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When a man hesitates to hug male friends in public or sweats at the mere thought of carrying a female friend’s purse for her, it makes you wonder how come this is such a big deal. But while we all bear different perspectives on the world around us, some of these unexplainable behaviors can reveal a way bigger picture.

People say it has to do with some men being insecure about their masculinity. How come? Well, it’s the fear of losing one's status as a “real man” in other people’s eyes, which makes the guy think he would be looked at as tenuous. There’s an old-fashioned belief that a man has to earn his status through proof of action, or a test of some sort, that makes him the man he really is. And although many men are aware of the fact that this is not how gender works, some still follow this ancient notion of manhood.

So when a TikToker @richtiktoxic asked people “What is something that men do that lets you know their insecure about their masculinity?” his video went viral with 1.1M views. “I’ll go first. As soon as a man refers to himself as an alpha, you know he’s insecure,” said Rich and passed the baton onto other people on social media who had a lot to say on the topic.

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Insecure-Men-Masculinity-Signs

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Dragon girl
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3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes, you're right, but we'll look past these things because we love them and they had a bad day. Plus they apologized and promised it will never happen again.

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Susan Green
Community Member
3 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That is controlling behaviour. He’s more than just insecure.

Carol Emory
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Had a friend that got married too young. her husband was a controlling douche. She had red hair, fair skin and green eyes. He demanded that she wear only pink because he thought she looked fantastic in it. She did have some pink clothes, but not a lot. She came home from work to find that he had tossed her dresser off the second story balcony of their apartment and everything that wasn't pink was strewn all over the grass around the dresser. She called the cops, he was arrested, she moved out and served him with divorce papers. To this day, she refuses to wear pink.

Agnes Jekyll
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My ex told me that he would break up with me if I ever started smoking. (Both my grandfathers smoke and died of cancer). When I told my mom what my BF told me, she looked at me and said, "Start Smoking." He also told me that I was not allowed to get out of a car unless he opened the door for me. My dad said, "If you think he's not going to hit you one day, you are kidding yourself"

Dragon girl
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My ex told my mom he would marry me if I lost weight. I wasn't even overweight, just not the 120lbs I was at 20y.o. when we met.

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Celtic Pirate Queen
Community Member
3 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Any kind of controlling behavior is abuse. Shortly after the ring went on my finger my ex suddenly decided it was inappropriate for me to hug any male who wasn't a blood relative - my best friend was a guy and I'll hug him any time I f*****g feel like it, thank you very much. Also, I apparently laughed to loud (??) and my skirts were too short. Um, what? I have always dressed conservatively, but I guess showing your knees is considered "lewd". WTF? I was like HAVE YOU MET ME? He lasted less than a year.

Richard Portman
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No fooling, is this how you are? We are right in the middle of a pandemic, revolutions, climate change, religious fanatics and the whole apocalypse. Here we sit talking about insecure boys. Get serious.

backatya
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No that's a control freak and you need to leave him before you're another statistic. Why would you even stay with a man like that?

Danny Heath
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"Men" can have all the rules they want, why would anyone listen? If he's single, rules don't matter! If you have love and trust, all you need!

Dragon girl
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There are controlling abusive women as well; unfortunately men are looked at like they are wimps because they can't handle their woman.

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Dillon Hughes
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's so stupid when things are said so vaguely. First women do the same thing, like my lady dosent let me go out without wearing boxers, no one wants to see my bulge, and if they do we don't want them to. My lady dosent let me drink straight hard alcohol. Nothing wrong with that. There are rules on what you where and do no matter where you go! I wouldn't let you to my kids birthday party in a thong! I wouldn't meet my lady's parents in my pjs... but yes there is bad ones that use it for control, men and women both. My lady and I last relationship were both very abusive, this is not a man thing only.

Celeste Grant
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Surely the difference is that all the things you mention are social niceties that you should be able to decide for yourself. And that is a long way from one partner having rules that their partner must not wear high heels if that makes them taller than them, or that they can't wear jeans or swear or see their friends which is what is inferred here.

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Mewton’s Third Paw
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3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The only rules about that kind of stuff should be to treat each other with respect.

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    Edward Shaw
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    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I believe the word "Alpha" has just replaced the word "Arsehole".

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    Bored Panda reached out to the author of the video named Richard, better known by his TikTok handle @rich.tik.toxic. Rich is a successful online content creator and journalist with 333.7k TikTok followers who was happy to answer some questions for us. When asked how Rich got the idea to ask people about the signs of insecure masculinity, the author said that “the video that sparked this entire debate was one created by my good friend Brittany Guzman (@_brittguz on TikTok).”

    “It was a reference to a study done in the UK regarding the prevalence of sexual harassment. She encountered an incredible amount of hate comments simply for referencing a study. Men made it known they were unhappy with her bringing this data to light; so much so that at one point I think her video had 100 likes and 1000 comments,” Rich explained.

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    Brendan
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    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I love that my wife earns more; it means we have more money. Who cares you which of you has the higher paycheck?

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    “In comparison,” he continued: “most videos have five to ten times more likes than comments. If you are not a man who sexually harasses women, why would you be triggered by this study? I realized it's because 'being a man' has become the defining characteristic of men’s self-identity.”

    Rich also said that “Pointing out how problematic typical male behavior has become is perceived by men as a personal attack.” According to him, “until men can realize that their biological sex is no more than a scientific category, they’ll be unable to truly define their self-identity.”

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    Dana Dara
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    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I feel like this question does matter. There is a lifestyle/personality difference between a woman who’s slept with a couple of men and one that’s slept with like 100. If you answer and the guy shames you, that’s one thing. If you ask him and he says his number being high is different than yours being high, that’s bs. But asking in itself isn’t toxic.

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    Speaking of the answers he received, Rich said a few of them caught him by surprise, “more so because of how accurate and detailed many of the responses were. Just about all of these behaviors are the manifestation of outdated societal norms that men are told to abide by.”

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    “Things like driving a lifted truck, unnecessary assertions of dominance, and disliking anything feminine were common responses. Those behaviors seem so ridiculous when looked at from an objective standpoint.”

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    Donkey boi
    Community Member
    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Me and my wife blame each other for everything as a... sort-of-joke (I don't really want to use 'Joke' but can't think of another word that fits). She farts, then says 'Babe that's disgusting!' and I say 'sorry'. I'll forget to put something away, then say, 'Oh Darling, you've left this stuff everywhere!' and She'll say 'Sorry. Can you deal with it for me now?'

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    “The beauty of the time we live in is that you get to be whoever you want,” Rich said and added: “Don't do yourself the injustice of using outdated gender stereotypes and norms to create your identity. Stop putting value in the contemporary ideals of what is masculine and what is feminine.”

    “Masculinity is defined,” he concluded, “as having the traits of someone who identifies as a man. If you identify as a man, you are already masculine. You get to decide what masculinity means for you.”

    #9

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    JXXXF
    Community Member
    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Everyone who has ever played team sports and had to have a communal shower knows the foot/p*nis size thing is a myth... in fact, its more of an insecurity from those who have big feet but are ashamed of the size of their manhood...

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    #10

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    Queen Jackson.
    Community Member
    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Also, if you tell a friend you’re bisexual and the first thing they wonder is if you like them or have a crush on them, think about that. Not telling you what to do, but just think about it.

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    Rich’s TikTok audience is expanding rapidly, but he assured us that he never wanted to be an influencer. “Even calling myself an influencer feels so ridiculous. I was always the person behind the camera. I worked with a few social media celebrities when I was starting as a photographer and videographer creating viral content on platforms like Snapchat and Instagram,” the author confessed.

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    Mojones
    Community Member
    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Isn't this when they don't want to date trans girls, only born girls? Makes sense for me to give it a name.

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    #14

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    Deborah B
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    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Speaking as someone currently on her period, I can confirm that periods are gross. And man, woman, or other, any one is entitled to be grossed out by used sanitary products or menstrual blood left on the loo seat. That said, unused sanitary supplies are not gross, and a man secure in his masculinity should not hesitate to buy them for the women in his life if requested to do so.

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    “However, my life's goal has always been to do everything possible to save the planet. As I got older, I started to realize that without copious amounts of money, the only way I could have a substantial impact would be to put myself both behind and in front of the camera. That's when I started utilizing everything I had learned in the years creating content for influencers for my own content.”

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    #15

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    Viviane
    Community Member
    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I need one of those insecure men as a referee this morning. Hubby and I are fighting over who gets to wear the forest green sweater in the Zoom meeting.

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    Viviane
    Community Member
    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "I'd share with you, but I know tough guys don't eat chocolate." Yum, I get the whole box to myself.

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    #17

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    Brendan
    Community Member
    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have to admit that, in my teenage years, I denied liking anything feminine (such as rom coms and soppy love songs). I now look back and laugh at the old me.

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    Rich believes that as much as virality hinges on luck, “the only people that get lucky creating viral videos are the ones actively trying to create them. Fight to get to the front of the line so you have the highest chance of actually getting what you want,” he concluded.

    #19

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    Donkey boi
    Community Member
    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm on the fence. I understand who this is targeting (the same people that say 'all lives matter'), but the phrase doesn't belong to one group and one subject matter alone. A girl at work has just split up from her boyfriend, she says 'All men are arseholes' I say, 'most of them, yeah', But when she asks me why all men cheat, I will say, 'Not all men, just the ones you've dated so far.'

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    #20

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    Donkey boi
    Community Member
    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    As a former heavy drinker, I can quite happily say that the best alcoholic drinks are the one that don't taste like your drinking alcohol. If you like the taste, drink it! But please drink responsibly.

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    #22

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    Lauren Caswell
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I've had that tried on me, but I have a killer grip strength so they only try it once :) still hurts tho! (Edit: my legs are ok-ish for walking and not much else, So I do most chores purely on arm strength where possible, hence crazy grip. One of my only physical strengths ^-^)

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    #23

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    Jaekry
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    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Men can wear whatever they want; nice clothes, nice shoes, nice haistyles, nice rings, nice jewelry, nice nails. You know,... like ALL ppl... ;)

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    JXXXF
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    European here, unpopular opinion here... I just don't get the US obsession with trucks full stop... they are ugly, slow, poorly made, a massive waste of space, drive awfully and almost everyone who has one just uses it for their commute or to pop down to Walmart...

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    #26

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    Bobert Robertson
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    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Wait what? People don't like when a woman compliments them on their appearance? It's nice to hear from anyone, male or female, that you look good today

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    #28

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    JXXXF
    Community Member
    3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I am sorry but stating their opinion is fine, taking it further by trying to belittle them or make fun of them is where the line is crossed...

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