It’s important for new mothers to feel they have a safe space to ask questions and share their feelings. That place, however, does not need to be an online group. These controversial mommy groups have even sparked discussion from former members who have had enough. In 2020, Chelsy Theriault, creator of the blog Motherhood+Mayhem, published a piece on Filter Free Parents titled “6 Reasons I Hate Mom Facebook Groups”. She explained that at first glance, these groups seemed like a great community to be a part of. Over time, however, she realized that the groups “tended to be a crutch for mothers who either didn’t really want to deal with motherhood issues or didn’t want to (or have the courage or personal strength to) come up with their own solutions to parenting challenges”.

Chelsy went on to say that these Facebook groups invalidate mothering instincts. “It seems that many moms, instead of assessing a situation and formulating their own solution, immediately run to Facebook to seek advice.” Similarly to how Google seems to have killed many peoples’ critical thinking skills, these mothering groups have squashed some parents’ abilities to make decisions. Chelsy recommends that mothers follow their instincts and skip seeking out help for every minor question that pops into their heads. She also adds a bit of advice a good friend gave her following the birth of her daughter to reassure anxious mothers: “If you don’t drop them or sit on them, you’re doing great.”

The next concerning reason Chelsy cited for disliking these groups is that moms seek medical advice in them, rather than going to a real doctor. “I know of a local mom Facebook group in my area that had to put a stop to mothers posting pictures of their children’s rashes and other visible physical ailments,” she noted. Even pregnant women post asking for health advice for themselves, but it’s unlikely many people in the group are actually medical professionals. And with only a Facebook post describing symptoms to go off of, they probably couldn't be of much help anyway. If you are concerned about your own health or your child’s health, please seek out someone with appropriate credentials. Don't just take the word of Cindy from Ohio who is spending 7 hours a day on Facebook during her maternity leave.

Along the same lines, Chelsy points out that many mothers ask questions that could easily be solved with a quick Google search. “We’re moms. We’re busy. We don’t have time to do the Googling for other moms.” Next she notes her annoyance about posts that begin with “Okay, mamas, let’s talk [enter topic here]”. “Every time a post starts with this statement, all I can picture is some tacky infomercial tempting me to purchase some cheesy product,” Chelsy adds. Just cut to the chase. "For some reason, introducing a post with 'Let’s talk -' seems pushy and impersonal." 

Next, Chelsy comments on the odd habit some mothers have of displaying their shortcomings to gain pity and attention. She gives an example of a mom asking if she’s the only one who forgets to leave money from the tooth fairy, followed by multiple “haha”s and a face palm emoji. Of course she’s not the only one. Moms are not perfect, and Chelsy empathizes with the pressure mothers often feel. “I think these moms are simply looking for pity or for someone to console them and convince them that they are not a horrid parent. Perhaps they are trying to displace their mom guilt or trying to make light of their mom fails.” “Either way,” Chelsy adds. “It drives me nuts.”

Lastly, Chelsy points out another popular post style on the page: "Pic for attention!" “This is annoying,” she says. “But at least they’re being honest.”

Luckily for moms everywhere, not every online community is full of infuriating posts and medical misinformation. In 2018, Alexis Barad-Cutler launched Not Safe for Mom Group (or nsfmg) after becoming fed up with the “curated Instagram feeds, filtered momfluencers, and holier-than-thou Facebook mom groups that made her feel worse about her parenting”. "Whenever I would go to my mom groups, it felt like I was having a completely different experience than what my peers were having," Barad-Cutler said in an interview with TODAY. "I was mired in postpartum anxiety, depression and psychosis, and my baby was really colicky. So it just felt like there was a cellophane between me and the rest of the world — like I was living on a different planet."

So she channeled her frustrations into writing. But media outlets were not always on board with publishing articles depicting less than picture-perfect realities of motherhood. “That's where it started — the idea that I couldn't say these things out loud," she said. "I wanted to create a community. I wanted a place for people to go and be able to say the things that they're feeling out loud."

Thus, the Not Safe for Mom Group was born. On their website, the group is described as “an online — and IRL— community that welcomes challenging topics around motherhood in a judgment-free setting”. Nsfmg seems like a breath of fresh air compared to the chaotic groups being ridiculed on reddit. Under “who we serve” the site says, “Our community is centered on mothers, those on the journey towards motherhood, those who identify as mothers, the mom-curious, and the folks who support and love moms.” And the reasoning listed for why the site exists is because “tremendous healing can occur when we share our experiences and stories with others. We created this space as a safe haven for messy, uncomfortable dialogue that enables us to to learn and grow from each other."

While the website has been active since 2018, nsfmg recently began hosting a podcast as well. Episodes feature candid conversations such as “I Begged For Help and No One Listened: Mothering Through Mental Ilness” and “My Ex’s Sinister Secret: A New Mom’s Shocking Discovery”. Barad-Cutler welcomes these difficult topics on her site. “You don't have to preface anything by saying, 'I love my baby' — it is assumed that you love your child," she explains. "We invite you to curse — we love a good curse word. We welcome a difference of opinion, and we encourage people to use language like 'folks' or 'friends' — not heteronormative language, because we know that not everyone is married or cisgender."

In addition to the podcast, nsfmg’s website also includes a blog, resources for parents struggling with mental health issues or abusive relationships, virtual talking circles “for support in this sh*t-storm”, the opportunity to book private sessions with Barad-Cutler, and a shop (which features a tee shirt proudly saying “NO MORE MOTHERFU*KING MOM GROUPS).

For the ‘anti-mom group’ moms out there, nsfmg seems like an excellent alternative to the run-of-the-mill Facebook groups. 

Another resource for moms interested in critiquing online mommy culture is the podcast "Under the Influence", hosted by journalist and mother Jo Piazza. "Under the Influence" is described as “a deep dive into the Mom Internet, a place haunted by aspirational marketing where it feels like every other mom is a social media influencer trying to sell you something… Jo Piazza looks at how we got here, what it all means and how the commodification of motherhood is driving mothers a little insane.”

On the topic of mommy blogging, Piazza told TODAY, "It's a multi-billion dollar industry that gets ignored because women are doing it and it's a 'mom thing'. But they're building these huge platforms and I say it all the time: If they were men, they'd be on the cover of Forbes because they're building mini media empires."

Despite how much wisdom raising children can bring, being a mother does not automatically make someone an authority on health, wellness or even parenting. Be cautious of what overbearing mothers are posting in online groups, and find a community where you actually feel safe to express your parenting concerns. But if no online group makes you feel at home or you’re simply not a parent, you might as well get a laugh out of the Mom Group Drama subreddit. We certainly did.

Be sure to upvote the photos you find most egregious and let us know in the comments if you've ever witnessed questionable parenting posts online!