Anyone can be difficult to live with, whether they are related to you or not. But for some reason, having an infuriating family member or spouse just seems so much worse than a random roommate who doesn’t respect boundaries or your shared space. Our family members are supposed to be on the same team as us. They should know our pet peeves and work to avoid them. They should want us to be happy and comfortable in our own homes. But unfortunately, they know exactly how to push our buttons, and sometimes, it seems like they are trying to drive us crazy.

I have to admit that I’m a bit of a neat freak myself, pandas, so many of the photos on this list would be cause for divorce, abandonment or moving out ASAP, depending on the nature of my relationship with these people. But I’m feeling extremely grateful for my partner after viewing these horrifying photos, because even though we get on each others’ nerves at times, at least we’re both clean. We know how to put groceries or dishes away without throwing them in a pile. Small things like a sponge being left in a dirty sink, a bag of snacks being left wide open, and dirt being tracked into the apartment can drive me up the wall, but I realize now, those are nothing compared to what other people deal with. So if you too have great roommates, pandas, count your blessings. It appears that there are plenty of monsters wreaking havoc out there…

To gain more insight on this topic, we reached out to licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Jude Bijou, who was kind enough to have a conversation with Bored Panda about the difficulties of living with family members. “I’ve learned that the problem with living with family members is that people don’t know how to communicate constructively with each other,” Jude told Bored Panda. 

“This, of course, is because they weren’t taught by their parents, and so they continue the tradition and lump, dump, and blame each other rather than speaking up and listening effectively.”

“This ignoring of how one’s words and behavior affect other family members or spouses causes those most near and dear to them to feel huge amounts of sadness, anger and fear,” she explained. “The recipients in turn resort to the same destructive strategies and the patterns get ground in as an appropriate and acceptable way to communicate.”

“These unconscious ways we talk and listen are blithely perpetuated by society's role models and peers. It’s no wonder there is so much dysfunction in families,” Jude added. “The solution is for everyone from small children to adults, neighbors to strangers, as well as politicians to teachers to learn and practice the four rules of communication, as outlined and practiced according to Attitude Reconstruction.”

According to Jude’s book, Attitude Reconstruction, the four rules of communication are: talk about yourself, stay specific, stay kind, and be sure to listen. “The four rules bring loving, effective communication and feelings of connection,” Jude says. “These rules are very simple (but not easy), and the rewards of abiding by them are great. In contrast, the violations apply in virtually every setting and cause communication breakdowns and distance.”

If you’d like to learn more wise words from Jude and acquire better communication skills for addressing conflicts within your own family, be sure to visit her website right here!

If you know the struggle of living with family members all too well, you might need some tips on how to manage the stress of sharing food, a bathroom or space in general with your loved ones. Just because you share the same blood doesn’t mean it’s natural for you all to occupy the same space without getting into arguments and getting on each others’ last nerves. That’s why we consulted this list from U.S. News with tips for living with relatives, so you can keep your sanity without sacrificing your relationships.

First, they recommend setting up basic ground rules. Just because your parents own the house or changed your diapers when you were young doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to privacy. And you should all be on the same page about shared responsibilities. “Establish the need for private space. In addition, openly discuss who takes care of chores, cooking, and shopping,” Money Crashers writes. “Don't leave this to the homeowners, even if they insist on doing things for you. Everyone should equally share the tasks for running the household.”

When living in the same household as your family members, it’s also important to discuss compensation. No, you should not charge your children rent when they’re 8 years old. But if you’re an adult who moved back in with your parents or a sibling, rent might be on the table. Or, if you’re staying with a relative who won’t accept rent, try to work out some other way to help them. Buying groceries and doing extra chores around the house will keep you from feeling like a burden, and your family will be more likely to let you stay for an extended period of time if you make their lives easier. Never assume that a family member will let you stay for free just because you’re family, and be careful not to overstay your welcome or take advantage of a relative’s kindness.        

When it comes to living with anyone, a roommate or a relative, it’s important to remember to choose your battles. Unless you live alone, compromises will have to be made at some point. Letting them hang up that poster that you find extremely ugly, dealing with the scent of fish when they prepare their favorite meal, sacrificing your parking spot so you can have the bedroom you prefer, or agreeing to organize the dishes how they like because you got to choose where the glasses go. When you feel yourself becoming infuriated by minor details, ask yourself if it’s really worth it to pick a fight over it. And if you decide that something is worth addressing, be sure to keep your composure. They might have no idea that one of their habits has been bothering you, so don’t approach the topic like they have personally offended you. More likely than not, they just did not realize it was a problem. 

If it’s your spouse or partner who has been triggering many of your pet peeves at home, it’s important to nip the issues in the bud before they start eating away at your relationship. So if you’re curious about the best way to address issues such as these, we consulted this list from PsychCentral where psychotherapist and author Christina Steinorth, MFT, shared some of her top tips for addressing pet peeves in a relationship. First, she recommends not bringing up the pet peeve in public. It’s never a great idea to approach sensitive topics when around others, and somehow, a conversation about washing the dishes can quickly derail into a discussion about the relationship as a whole.

Steinorth also notes that it’s helpful to acknowledge what behavior you do appreciate when having conversations with your partner about what you’d like them to change. “If you compliment your partner generously and genuinely, you send a powerful message that has more impact to change his or her behavior than criticizing,” she told PsychCentral. We all like to be acknowledged for our best habits, and taking time to remember what your partner does well might make you less upset about what annoys you. For example, when you realize that you haven’t taken  out the trash in a month because your spouse always does it for you, it might not bother you so much that they always leave their socks on the floor for you to place in the laundry basket. 

Steinorth also recommends considering what would be a possible solution before approaching the topic with your partner, so they don’t feel attacked. “Instead of doing that, could we try to do this? That way, we both get what we want. How does that sound?” If they take up too much time in the bathroom when you need to get ready for work, maybe you can ask them to wake up 10 minutes earlier or allow you to shower first in the morning. If they never clean up the kitchen after cooking, maybe you can agree that they’ll give you a massage every time you have to do all of the dishes for them. Figure out what works best for the two of you, and find a way not to get hung up on little living habit pet peeves.