I never fail to be astonished by the number of YTAs. She's not doing it for the money, none of us are. But I can totally understand why it hurts.

NTA. Don’t let the comments of virtue-signallers get you down. Being a mother does not change selfish manipulative people into a nice caring person. Your first duty is to be an available mother to your own children. Why are you making your entire family sacrifice for this manipulative woman. She’s not starving. She’s enough money to hire a carer. I fear you may be drawn back into this manipulative web because you appear a very loving and forgiving woman.

I don't understand the YTA comments and I don't understand parents who treat their kids unfairly. The least she could do was let then share the money 50/50

OP's mother said that her brother couldn't help with some things because he's a guy. THAT is a key part of this. I've seen it with family and friends. The daughter is expected to shoulder the caretaking burdens of aging parents instead of the son. Doesn't always happen that way, but it's very common.

It appears that the reason she is so upset is because her mum doesn't appreciate what she has been doing for her all these years. To keep saying how fantastic her brother is when he does so little must really hurt. To now learn that her brother is going to inherit everything must suck majorly. She was not estranged from her mum when the will was written and mum obviously knew she had done the wrong thing by hiding it from her. Both children should be POA both medically and financially, this was the first red flag. To not divide the assets equally between the brother and sister is truly awful. I'd go LC if it was me, maybe the aunt can arrange for the mother to go to a facility near the brother, it's his turn now. I'd definitely voice my feelings to the mother sooner rather than later so that she can know the consequences of her actions before dementia sets in.

Likely, your brother will inherit nothing if your mother goes into memory care. That will blow through $250,000 in a few years.

Let her spend her money on caretakers then, since her son is absolutely worthless except to mooch off other people. That's what I'd tell her, "you have the money, just pay for a caretaker".

My father disinherited me and my 2 sisters in favor of his new family. I acted nobly, and I regret every sevond of time I gave to any of them. Disinheriting is disowning, declaring lack of relationship. Keep your time and your love for your spouse and children. Tha pain never ever goes away for the wasted time. She will never love you.

I always wonder about the YTA or ESH comments. I wonder if they are like OP's mother? Or are they that bitter with their own lives that they feel the need to lash out? Also, that one YTA comment about her mom getting cancer twice... did I miss something? (NTA BTW)

I can't understand why people think she should carry on regardless. I was the primary on-site (next door) care giver for Mum with my sister helping as much as she could from far away( trips to do home maintenance, dealing with agencies etc). I could not imagine a situation in which my mother would not have split the money in two. To be quite honest in our case it was unclear what was going to happen. We did not bank on the money as rest homes can take it all. It's not the money so much as the emotional meaness to expect someone to do lots of care and then cut them out of the will.

Nope! Mommy sounds cray cray histrionic.

The “mother” is a Witch, with a B . Leave her rely on brother dearest , NOT , and stay home with your husband and children. If family members complain , tell them to call your brother , then hang up !

It's not the money that's most important here; it's the cruelty, manipulation and ingratitude. Expressed by driving this poor bloody woman to the crazy house and the poorhouse simultaneously and not even bothering to pay her back.

The money and any property should be split equally between the kids. Mom is only giving golden boy money because he is a boy

I'm just waiting for my grandmother's will to come out this way. Her son does help, but only because she literally pays him to. For anything 'extra' it's always my mom. Despite the fact that my mom is the one trying to keep their mostly failed business afloat, so she's really just shooting herself and my uncle in the foot. I've told my mom she needs to drop the rope. She vents/dumps onto me and I'm sick of the whole situation just from that.

NTA. You need to focus on your own family. If I were your husband I'd be livid you're spending your PTO, family funds and missing out on your children to enable this entitled person. Stop engaging with her and this so-called family who expect you to be the skivvy because you're female. Stop engaging with her, too. 'You need to hire professionals, I'm not available for care anymore.'

What surprises me is that her 67-year-old brother cannot help her.

This seems to be the way it is 90% of the time. I am the youngest of four. I'm the one that stayed home and took care of her. Drove her every where she wanted. The only one that didn't take money from her GI loan account for various failed attempts at higher education. My sister, (the oldest) and my oldest brother were always asking her for money for one school or another that they never completed. At least my second to oldest brother went to teck school and came out with a degree and ended up working for Boeing. I was the one, along with my now wife, that drove here 50 miles to the hospital when she had a stroke. Went into debt so she could go into rehab and had to file bankruptcy and so much more. She left everything she had to oldest brother and sister and left me a dollar to symbolize "All I had taken from her in life". Because, as her story went, she had "died" for several minutes while giving birth to me.

Classic narcissist-codependent relationship. Codependent saying "I feel guilty, I feel like I've been bad" for considering applying a tourniquet -- as the narc greedily drains the last drop of the codependent's blood. Being a codependent is like having Stockholm Syndrome. The positive attention is so sparse that you will grovel for one crumb and be grateful forever, regardless of endless mistreatment. It's a disease.

This looks like the mother could have narcissistic personality disorder: emotionally immature, refuses to engage in straight talk because it risks making her look bad, trash talking daughter to others, golden child brother, lack of empathy, self-victimisation, entitled to daughters time and resources but complaining she's not doing enough and never appreciative... I'm no diagnostician but OP needs to look after her mental health and stop being mummy's 'supply'

I'm really hoping YTA people didn't read the WHOLE story. Like how OP is spending her OWN MONEY to travel and take care of Mom. Leaving HER family & job when Bro barely has a job and no kids so CHOOSES to be an a$$. Mom SHOULD NOT be driving and the fact that Mom would rather pay for everyone to come to her than travel shows she's pathetic. Because that means less work for her and more time to be pitiful

Okay, BP. Get rid of the damn Hulu Ad. On every page and you literally can't see anything as it takes up the entire screen.

My brother was the favored one in our family. My Mom was a chronic alcoholic. My sister handled her finances and I got all the phone calls — calls saying she passed out in public — calls that she went to the hairdresser naked and poopy, etc. And gold brother who lived the closest? Nothing. However, my point is this to you: Your Mom is an ungrateful person who plays favorites — therefore, a bad Mom. Sadly, I see you unwilling to cut the cord. She taught you to be a "good girl" and it's hard to stop, but at this point you must think of your family. Some of your anger surely sifts into your family life. Stop. trying. to. please. everybody. Stop. worrying. about. what. people. think.

Wow, I really felt this. My mom is very similar. She relies on me to do everything, rarely asking my older brothers for help. I'm the only one that still has a kid at home, but she always thinks I'm avoiding her if I tell her I am busy. Meanwhile, my oldest brother is her favorite. She goes on and on about any little thing he does for her.

NTA. Your mom doesn't appreciate all what you've done for her and sacrificed on her behalf. She's had the child moments and family moments that you are now missing with your own. Those are important. Your brother has made his own choices (and yes, I can see how the favor has played for him and being entitled is a consequence of those actions). Your mom needs to realize that the only way to help him, is to not bail him out of life. Leaving him that money is doing him a disservice. She should have discussed things with both of you regarding her POA (especially if he doesn't know what that entails), the will, the future plans, etc. Her passing is an absolute. To do it the best way is communication.

NTA ... I bought my birth pod a house, where she wanted to live. After I signed all the paperwork and had the keys, she decided that she didn't want to contribute to the mortgage, she would have received housing benefit due to being retired. Needless to say I ended up with a house in an area I would never live so it's been rented ever since and not to her. Thankfully she's dead now, don't have deal with her or her toxic personality.

Been there, in a manner of speaking. I was the only one who took care of my wheelchair bound mother after a stroke for four years (she couldn't even stand or go to the washroom, I had to supply and change her diapers l, etc etc etc) yet she split everything equally between me and my siblings. But as soon as she passed, they somehow made the time to come and get what heirlooms they wanted, and basically I was forced to sell the house I had lived in for 24 years to settle her estate. Do not for one second think your family is different, money makes people do crazy things! She is totally NTA.

The mother leaving her money to her son & nothing to her daughter demonstrates how little the mother respects or appreciates her daughter

NTA. Yes, it's about MONEY! It's about that OP spent all of HER OWN MONEY to drop her own life on a dime & run to take care of an ungrateful mother, who in turn saved up all of HER money to bestow on the favored but truly unworthy sibling. These days, don't try & act as if money isn't the main factor of EVERY decision, because that's just delusional.

Let her hire her caregivers. Apparently she can afford it.

I have a sister with autism(eldest) and an older brother. All my adult life, it's been expected that I'm the one to call to help out. I went throug vacation time, time off without pay and my own personal savings to do so. Never any thanks or any thought to the time off or money spent. The will divided the estate equally between all 3 siblings. I have requested reimbursement of expenditures for traveling costs, or personal items for my sister always backed up with a receipt. It is a problem for my brother who has asked the bank to hold any requests until he approved them ( no requests for reimbursement from him, as he never visited her or had her over to his place) . I'm still expected to attend all appointments, pick her up and bring her back to the group home for home visits. Last month I finally said "enough" and stepped away until the finances are worked out. It seems they are coping very well without me.

If Mom wants you around for things, let her know you want to be there for her, but you need to be there for your family, too. So the best way to do that is have you all living near each other! And gosh, Mom, spouse and I can't really leave our jobs, but maybe you could move up near us. Aunt said you were considering a move - I know change can be scary, but with you up near us, I'd get to visit with you not just when you're sick, but also just for fun! And grandkid 1 and grandkid 2 would love to visit with you too - they know how special you are to me, and want to get to know you. This way she moves to a place where she gets some professional care, you get to be there providing support, and you don't have to use PTO and leave your family to do it. And Golden Boy can still come visit when it's convenient for him. Win-win.

I don’t think the OP is at fault for withdrawing. Boundaries should have been set years ago. Help but within reason - not spending vacations, savings or missing important moments with children and spouses to do so. Voice of experience here. Also, sometimes, we incorrectly assume money correlates to our value or regard in the eyes of others. We see our familial relationships as transactional - like employment, which it is not. When you have a close-knit group of friends and one is not as financially solvent as the rest, generally the others will pitch in to allow that individual to participate if an activity is too luxurious for them. No one rants “what about me?”. The OP did say her younger brother is typically employed in low wage jobs - to offer a differing perspective, what if that money was set aside so OP didn’t have to become responsible for him later in life? Inheriting a home and then a quarter mil, would do just that.