The modern world can get pretty hectic, with constant reminders, notifications, breaking news, and just the day-to-day hustle and bustle of life. In all this chaos, it can be easy to forget about just speaking to your loved ones.

So one man got in some hot water when his wife discovered that he used calendar reminders to make sure to ask her about her day. As a self-described “self-centered person,” he thought it was the best way to make her feel like he was involved and concerned about her. Netizens debated the pros and cons of this strategy in the comments section. We got in touch with Even_Tangerine_4201, who posted the story to learn more.

On a hectic day, it can be easy to forget to ask your partner how they are doing

Image credits: DragonImages (not the actual photo)

A husband had a sneaky method to make his wife feel cared about, he would set reminders about her day in his calendar

Image credits: davidpereiras (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Even_Tangerine_4201

The OP gave us some extra details

Bored Panda got in touch with Even_Tangerine_4201 and he was kind enough to answer some of our questions. First and foremost, we wanted to know if he would keep using the reminders. “Short answer: Yes. Long answer: It was actually a weird feeling writing and posting that. It’s one thing to do it in secret…it’s another to confess it to the world. In a small way, it made me reckon a bit about why I do it and even before I posted and people started commenting on it I think I already knew I wanted to drop the crutch a bit and get better about just remembering things. But I know I’m never going to be perfect and I know that’s ok. All in all, it’s probably healthier for my relationship with my wife to just own it – i.e. ‘hey I got my reminder today – how is that work project of yours coming along?”

“It honestly would have been fun and funny to have a couple of thousand strangers collectively decide I am an asshole. Lots of posts in that forum seem pretty high stakes – arguments with family where relationships seem to hang in the balance. This disagreement between my wife and I was not a very big deal between us, even at the time it happened. I just thought it was interesting because I could easily see both sides of it and I wanted to share it with Reddit and see where everyone else came down on it. I truthfully haven’t read the vast majority of the comments – the last I checked there were 3-4000 of them! – but of course, it feels nice to not only have people say you are not an asshole but for many to also say that in a weird way keeping the calendar is sweet, they wish their husband would do the same, etc. It sounds trite, but honestly, if a few people decide to adopt the idea themselves and it enables them to feel like they are being a better partner in their relationship, I am very happy to have been able to help.”

The way memories are formed differs from person to person

OP is right to mention that not everyone necessarily remembers some of the social norms we think are vital. He deems it being self-centered, but the truth is that people have different sorts of memories. Some people struggle to exit “work mode” even when off the clock, so they forget important details about loved ones, or, perhaps in OP’s case, these details are moved to the “unimportant” category. It takes a lot of training to change how we formulate memories, and OP is simply using the power of technology to help himself get ahead.

Even_Tangerine_4201 shared why he thought he needed the reminders. “I think I speak for most people when I say that I truly am busy and it truly is hard enough to keep my own stuff straight without having to worry about someone else’s. But the fact of the matter is if someone offered you a million dollars to be fully cognizant of someone else’s business for a year straight, it wouldn’t be hard to do it. When you just start dating someone you really like and you want to make a good impression, it isn’t hard to do it then either. So I’m going to go back to the reason I gave in the initial post and say that in large part it comes down to being a little too lazy and a little too self-centered.”

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Image credits: bisualphoto (not the actual photo)

“Although as I said I have only read a very small percentage of the comments on my post, from the ones I have looked at one thing surprised me: The number of people who have suggested I might be neurodivergent, have ADHD, etc. Of course, they might know something I don’t, but I doubt it. I know people in real life who legitimately need Adderall (for example) and I also know whatever challenges I have pale in comparison to theirs. I know I am asking for abuse in saying this, but I feel like while – and I cannot stress this enough – many people doubtlessly have legitimate issues that make it hard to focus or complete tasks or be on time or whatever, many people who claim these types of issues might be surprised how much their condition might improve if they just owned their shortcomings a bit and dug in on trying to improve. I know I have become a much more effective and accomplished adult than some people who knew me as a teen would have thought – in large part because I have been able to use my wife as a model of what a real adult looks like – and I suspect some people sell themselves short on their full potential when they accept diagnoses – especially self-diagnoses! – that tell them they are helpless to address and improve their shortcomings.”

There are multiple theories and causes behind why we forget things, even if they are relatively important. For example, leading theories about short-term memory indicate that unless the person consciously repeats or recollects the information, it’s lost after about thirty seconds. While we do not know exactly how OP processes information, it is possible that all these smaller details would have gone right over his head the moment his wife mentioned them. The process of him actually setting a reminder already might help him remember without any notifications.

There are a variety of tricks you can use to remember things

Another common reason we forget is because we don’t manage cues properly. If you have ever learned a second language, you are probably familiar with creating associations. You take something a new word reminds you of, and use it to help memorize it. When we don’t have a good “cue”, our brain often struggles to recall the information. It’s not gone, it’s just buried.

Image credits: friends_stock (not the actual photo)

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This does seem applicable to OP’s case, as it’s not like he has completely forgotten about the life events his wife is telling him about. Rather, in the stream of information he is no doubt processing every single day, it’s not “encoded” in such a way that he will remember it at the correct time. Setting a reminder isn’t exactly a cue, but it does the same thing, “pushing” some piece of information to the forefront of the brain when we need it.

While it’s easy to see why the wife might be a bit disappointed, in the long run, the husband’s strategy makes a lot of sense. After all, a boss doesn’t think you are a worse worker because you have notifications set on your Google calendar, rather, it actually makes you more conscientious. Let’s face it, the modern world has so much information flowing through it, our lives can get very, very hectic and busy, so there is no harm in trying to use technology to actually make yourself more productive.

OP shared what his reminders look like

Most readers didn’t think he had done anything wrong

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A few thought both sides had solid arguments and neither were jerks

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