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Husband Doesn’t Want To Lose His Privacy, Won’t Allow In-Laws To Move In, Wife Tells Him To Leave
Have you ever given your spouse an ultimatum? Maybe you were joking around about who’s doing the dishes or finally watching that movie you’ve been nagging about. Ultimatums, whether serious or silly, make us think of what is really important in our relationships. But what happens when an ultimatum isn’t about who takes out the trash but whether your in-laws can move in? Well, that would make things complicated real fast.
One Reddit user shared her emotional rollercoaster of a story, asking if she was wrong for giving her husband an ultimatum about her mom and brother moving in.
More info: Reddit
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A woman plans on moving her elderly mom and disabled brother in with her and her husband, but he is not happy about it and refuses, so she tells him to hit the road
Image credits: Josh Appel (not the actual photo)
The woman has 3 siblings, and all of them take turns caring for the family
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
The husband tells his wife he doesn’t want to lose his privacy or have to deal with her 74-year-old mom’s nagging, causing his wife to snap
Image credits: u/Tr0uble12312333
In a heated moment, the wife tells her husband that if he doesn’t like the situation and won’t help care for the family, he is free to leave
The OP (original poster), a 35-year-old woman, had been in a relationship with her husband for 15 years but married for only 3, and they shared 2 kids. From day one, she made it crystal clear to her husband that she’d eventually need to take care of her disabled brother, who has cerebral palsy, and her aging mom.
The OP’s 74-year-old mom could no longer handle the caregiving on her own, even with the help of a cousin, so all 4 siblings had to take on the responsibility.
Here’s where things turned sour. The OP’s husband wasn’t at all thrilled about the idea of her mom and brother living with them, as he was worried about losing privacy and dealing with potential nagging from his mother-in-law. “My husband does not want to have them in our home for months at a time,” the OP recalls. In a heated moment after hearing such comments, the OP told her husband that if he couldn’t handle it, he might as well hit the road.
The OP would not be shouldering this burden alone, as she had 3 siblings, who all agreed to take turns caring for their mom and brother. The goal? To prevent anyone from being overwhelmed and to keep their loved ones out of a nursing home, which they believed wouldn’t be the best environment for them.
One hot suggestion from the Reddit crowd was to consider building an in-law suite. This would give the OP’s mom and brother their space while maintaining privacy for her family. The OP mentioned this idea was already on their radar, and she and her husband were committed to finding a solution that would work for everyone.
Image credits: Jsme MILA (not the actual photo)
Balancing caregiving with other family responsibilities can be challenging, but it can be done. You just need a bit of strategy and some solid family support, and voilà, you can manage the chaos. According to experts, communication is key if you want to make things work. So, have those heart-to-heart chats with your family about who does what in the caregiving department to make sure no one’s drowning in duties.
“Your loved one who needs care is their family member too. So be candid. Explain to your spouse and children how their loved one’s memory and behavior are changing. And help them understand the demands that you’re facing as this person’s caregiver,” experts suggest.
Taking care of a family member who can no longer take care of themselves is no walk in the park. Whether it’s elderly parents or a disabled relative, it requires a blend of compassion, patience, and practicality. As the experts put it: “Caregiving is a significant responsibility that becomes more challenging as your parents age. Their needs tend to grow over time, making the caregiving process even more demanding.” So, creating a safe and comfy living space that meets their mobility or medical needs is a must.
And let’s not forget about you. Caring for yourself is just as important. “The advice to care for yourself first is like the airplane rule of putting on your oxygen mask before helping others. You can’t take care of anyone if you are incapacitated. Find ways to nourish your body and spirit so you have the energy, stamina, and resources to be a caregiver,” experts advise. So, make sure you’re getting the me-time you need to keep going strong.
What do you think of this story? Was the OP the bad guy here, or was she just a loving daughter trying to do right by her family? Share your thoughts below and join the conversation.
People in the comments said that the wife was not a jerk in this story, as she had discussed the situation with her husband from the start
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What do you think ?
Sunny Day 5 months ago
I think the 3 siblings should pitch in and hire someone to take care of brother in their mom's home.
Mike F 5 months ago (edited)
FWIW, I agree with you wholeheartedly. In that scenario everyone maintains their current living situation. I've been in a similar situation and no matter how many times you are told "you won't even know they're here" or "I'll do the heavy lifting (think day to day care)" it never turns out that way. She was raised by the mom and lived her young life in that situation, she's simply turning a page. The husband AND CHILDREN are going to the the ones who end up paying for this. The marital situation will change and the kids will end up being rooked out of part of their childhood experiences. The question was posed in regard to the husband, but there is a larger picture. Parents always assume (wrongly) that the kids will adapt because they're young. Pool the $$ and have them cared for in their own home. There may even be a government stipend available for this very situation. You can make promises till the cows come home, until you have kids, then it's time to get real.
Load More Replies...
Papa 5 months ago
While the situation isn't as clear-cut as I expected from the title, she's still the AH. Moving people in is one of those things in a marriage that requires two Yes votes. It's an AH move for either person in a marriage to say "Do what I say or move out!" (Of course there are exceptions, such as if one person is doing something illegal or abusive.)
Hphizzle 5 months ago
These situations are always difficult. I like how this family is handling it. It an ongoing discussion with all parties involved. Houses and family planning are taken into consideration. What we are reading is a bump in an otherwise well thought out road. Kudos to them for working through this as a family and as adults.
Roberta Surprenant 1 month ago
What we are reading is that wife and siblings made plan without taking husband's view into consideration. After her ultimatum, that marriage is toast.
Load More Replies... Sunny Day 5 months ago
I think the 3 siblings should pitch in and hire someone to take care of brother in their mom's home.
Mike F 5 months ago (edited)
FWIW, I agree with you wholeheartedly. In that scenario everyone maintains their current living situation. I've been in a similar situation and no matter how many times you are told "you won't even know they're here" or "I'll do the heavy lifting (think day to day care)" it never turns out that way. She was raised by the mom and lived her young life in that situation, she's simply turning a page. The husband AND CHILDREN are going to the the ones who end up paying for this. The marital situation will change and the kids will end up being rooked out of part of their childhood experiences. The question was posed in regard to the husband, but there is a larger picture. Parents always assume (wrongly) that the kids will adapt because they're young. Pool the $$ and have them cared for in their own home. There may even be a government stipend available for this very situation. You can make promises till the cows come home, until you have kids, then it's time to get real.
Load More Replies... Papa 5 months ago
While the situation isn't as clear-cut as I expected from the title, she's still the AH. Moving people in is one of those things in a marriage that requires two Yes votes. It's an AH move for either person in a marriage to say "Do what I say or move out!" (Of course there are exceptions, such as if one person is doing something illegal or abusive.)
Hphizzle 5 months ago
These situations are always difficult. I like how this family is handling it. It an ongoing discussion with all parties involved. Houses and family planning are taken into consideration. What we are reading is a bump in an otherwise well thought out road. Kudos to them for working through this as a family and as adults.
Roberta Surprenant 1 month ago
What we are reading is that wife and siblings made plan without taking husband's view into consideration. After her ultimatum, that marriage is toast.
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