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Looking after an adult with autism can be challenging, and it can become more difficult if someone is downright forced into doing it. When it’s pushed upon a person, it’s neither good for them nor for the one who’s disabled, because coaxed relationships never really work.
Just take a look at Reddit user SecretAmbassador1979, whose husband wanted his autistic twin brother to move in with them, but she refused as she knew it would be a big challenge. This drew ire from her sister-in-law who was his previous caretaker, and it eventually ended in a family feud!
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
A person shouldn’t be forced to look after someone with autism as it would not be a healthy relationship
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster’s husband comes from a big family with 12 children, and he has an autistic twin, Sam, who’s been cared for by their eldest sister for a few years
Image credits: SecretAmbassador1979
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Now, the sister wanted to move in with her son, so the poster’s husband said that he wanted Sam to move in with them, but the poster didn’t want this
Image credits: SecretAmbassador1979
Image credits: Drazen Zigic / Freepik (not the actual photo)
When she told this to her sister-in-law she got annoyed with the poster and complained that she’d been looking after Sam and her kids for so long
Image credits: SecretAmbassador1979
The poster said that she was being cold to Sam who was very attached to her and this further angered the sister-in-law, ending things on a sour note
In today’s story, the original poster (OP) tells us about how her husband’s family has been the most frequent reason for arguments between the couple, who have been married for less than a year. Her husband comes from a family of 12 children, and he has a non-verbal autistic twin, Sam, and another autistic brother.
Once, the other brother stayed with the couple, but since it was for a few months, OP was fine with it. However, she clarified that his family staying with them was not really ideal for her. Both the autistic brothers stayed with their grandpa, but after it became difficult for him, the elder sister took in Sam with her.
While this worked for a few years, the problem arose when the sister wanted to move in with her elder son, which would only be possible if Sam found a new home. Well, OP’s husband wanted him to stay at their house and even added that he had the time and space to take care of him. He also felt that as a twin, it was his duty to look after Sam, but OP was having none of it.
She explained that it would be a massive change that would surely impact their future, and as she had not been informed about it before marriage, she had a right to say “no”. She also told her sister-in-law that they couldn’t take him in, but if she stayed with him, they could try to be of help to her.
The sister-in-law was annoyed and said she had looked after Sam and her kids for so many years and now, she finally had time to do what she wanted, but OP retaliated that she was being cold to Sam. She felt that he was attached to her and it would not be a good idea for him to live away from her, but this just further escalated their argument.
Image credits: Drazen Zigic / Freepik (not the actual photo)
After reading it online, netizens were divided in their opinions about the poster as they felt that she was right about one thing but wrong about the other. As per them, she had a right to decline to take him in because it would be quite a challenge for the couple in many ways, but wrong to guilt-trip her sister-in-law about it.
It has been observed that caregivers of adults with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) have a high emotional burden and might also experience a time-dependence burden, developmental burden, physical burden, social burden, and financial burden. Research also indicates that supporting an individual with autism spectrum disorder costs a family $60,000 a year on average.
Seems like it was fair of OP to refuse as she was well aware of how it would impact her future with her husband. Some folks also applauded her for staying firm with her decision even when her husband was arguing about it and they agreed that if he wanted this, he should’ve informed her before marriage.
Many people also argued that she was in the wrong for pinning the whole responsibility on the sister-in-law. It was quite clear that the woman was tired of caring for her kids and Sam, and as we already saw how burdening it can be, it’s no wonder that she wanted a break from it all.
Folks said that she already knew how it would impact Sam, yet she had made the decision, and when OP said she was being “cold” to Sam, she was simply guilt-tripping her. They felt that it was very hypocritical of OP to refuse to take care of him and at the same time, force this responsibility on the sister. Many people advised that they hire someone to care for Sam rather than enlist anyone in the family.
What would you do in this situation? Let us know in the comments!
Although netizens agreed with her choice not to take in Sam, they were annoyed that she tried to guilt-trip the sister into caring for him
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What do you think ?
Sathe Wesker 2 months ago
I am going to get massively downvoted but my honest main takeaway is that there are too many irresponsible people having too many kids. 12 siblings? Mother just ditched them all? SIL was a teen mom and decided to pop out six more? Naw, this brother is NOT this OP’s problem.
lenka 2 months ago
There are 12 siblings and they ALL flat out refuse to put him in a home. Me thinks those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. You cannot refuse to take care of him and at the same time refuse to entertain the idea of a group home. Everyone is an AH except Sam and the SIL.
Sunny Day 2 months ago
What happens when Sam outlives his siblings and there's no one left to live with? Answer- he goes into a home. So wouldn't it be better to place him somewhere now, where he can get the care he needs, AND have his family visiting often? He'll settle in, make friends, maybe gain some independence. Let him live the best life he can.
James016 2 months ago
This, Sam needs to be in a home. It will do wonders for him if my colleague's nephew is anything to go by. He is a minor in a care home and it has given him some independence and dignity. He can go to the toilet by himself now for one thing. Someone with the needs that Sam has will probably need full time care but I am speculating here.
Load More Replies...
Sathe Wesker 2 months ago
I am going to get massively downvoted but my honest main takeaway is that there are too many irresponsible people having too many kids. 12 siblings? Mother just ditched them all? SIL was a teen mom and decided to pop out six more? Naw, this brother is NOT this OP’s problem.
lenka 2 months ago
There are 12 siblings and they ALL flat out refuse to put him in a home. Me thinks those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. You cannot refuse to take care of him and at the same time refuse to entertain the idea of a group home. Everyone is an AH except Sam and the SIL.
Sunny Day 2 months ago
What happens when Sam outlives his siblings and there's no one left to live with? Answer- he goes into a home. So wouldn't it be better to place him somewhere now, where he can get the care he needs, AND have his family visiting often? He'll settle in, make friends, maybe gain some independence. Let him live the best life he can.
James016 2 months ago
This, Sam needs to be in a home. It will do wonders for him if my colleague's nephew is anything to go by. He is a minor in a care home and it has given him some independence and dignity. He can go to the toilet by himself now for one thing. Someone with the needs that Sam has will probably need full time care but I am speculating here.
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