Intimate doesn't mean sexual! And the OP SAID that the accusations were making him uncomfortable. They're best friends, goddammit. Quit it with the conspiracy theories and focus on the actual problem. If the roles were switched, husband would be TA. So the wife is TA here.

When people are convinced that men and women can't be platonic friends, or that close friend relationships are inherently sexual, I always assume that it's their projection of the fact that they personally couldn't keep it in their pants. Some of us are perfectly capable of not being sexual with every person we're close to. I'm bi/pan sexual and yet strangely I'm faithful to my husband.

No idea. Someone posts something and they just *have* to tear it apart, look for hidden meanings, etc. The wife kept bugging him after he explicitely told her he didn't want extended contact, so he turned the phone off. There's nothing wrong with that. And people can be friends without cheating, geez. There's a comment there that says OP said they hooked up - they didn't. He said they didn't but people are shoving their own conclusions based on their lives onto his. All you can do is take what he said at face value because that's the info you were given.

My straight male best friend shares a bed with his straight male roommate because of money issues. They get called gay, constantly (both have girlfriends and have never once expressed sexual interest in other males). Meanwhile, I, a lesbian with a live-in girlfriend, has to tell people multiple times that we’re a couple. My girlfriend is constantly hit on by guys when out with me (she’s the looker lol), and says “Sorry, this is my girlfriend.” and the guys assume it’s platonic anyway. People tend to assume women can’t be romantically and/or sexually involved, most likely because of the false idea that “it’s not sex without a penis.”

Yeah, this and the ‚you can’t spend an entire weekend away with someone else if you’re married’ seem really messed up to me.

While I agree with the premise of your comment, there IS quite the difference in sharing a bed with your BF for a month while traveling....and sharing a bed for 6 years while not being "completely platonic". Big difference. I am not "obsessed" with trying to find any type of affair...but YES, when an adult throws out that they slept in the same bed with their friend for more than half a decade (do you not think they could have afforded another bed in the SIX years they lived together? really?)...it may rightly raise a couple of eyebrows...lets not act like that suspicion is coming out of the blue!!

I would sleep with my sister in hotel rooms, doesnt make it incest. People like to jump the boat while its still a mile out at sea and end up swimming the wrong direction.

Has more to do with his evasive language. It wasn't "explicitly sexual" he is constantly going over alone to his house and never brings him to their house because 'the house has to be spotless', he is willing to abandon his wife at family dinners and such to take the Best friend's calls and more than likely runs off if there is a problem, but flat out said if she had reached him he wouldn't have come home, even though her sister could have died. Just because she DIDN'T doesn't mean hearing that news was any less emotionally devistating for his wife. But again Best Friend trumps wife. My first husband got handed his walking papers when my 18 year old nephew was killed in a car accident and his response was "I didn't know him well enough." When he treated my breakdown like one treats a dirty diaper. When I told him we were over, he threw his wedding ring at my head and told everyone I was cheating with my best friends because they cared and they stood by me even at the funeral.

Everyone needs to read his latest additions to the post. He deliberately omitted a LOT of information about his history with this "friend". If your spouse disappeared once a year for a long weekend with someone they used to share a bed with...that would make most people uneasy.

Probably because the guy is being super vague about it. Maybe not necessarily an affair, but certainly at the least hiding some details that would paint him in a poor light

Imo it becuse there is a LOT of gray area here and OP doesnt clarify. Sharing a bed sometimes is necessary and means 2 people sleeping separately on one mattress. Is there skin to skin contact? Nightclothes for both people? Intimate spooning? Nuzzling? Whispers of sweet nothings with eye to eye contact and touching foreheads? A good amount of that is what comes to mind when he says that a lot of people wouldnt consider it plutonic but he wouldnt consider anything sexual happened.

For me personally I find it very weird that a freaking 17 year old is friends with a 21 year old. 4 years is very big when its like this. The friend can drink while Op cant even vote. That is what seems sus to me.

Same here. I've slept on the same bed with friends, too, and had a routine very similar to what OP illustrated when we were spending more time together over summer break. Never got called a closeted lesbian for it. I do not understand why people are reading romantic implications into it, and I can see why OP is offended by it.

Same reason they scream "fake" when they see any video clip, low self-esteem transformed into braggadoccio, "I saw what nobody else saw!!!" yeah, because it's not there....

Exactly! If women do it it's completely normal but when men do it it's completely gay! That's so toxic!! I kiss my best friend all the time and people don't even bat an eyelash, let it be two men giving each other a hello or goodbye kiss? BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN!!!!!!!

If you expect time alone with that friend, not be bothered, but don't mind being bothered by said friend when you are spending time with ur SO, then there's more red flags waving than at a bullfight!!

If you read the full discussion, it's quite clear this guy does not see his wife in the same light as this friend. He describes his time with his friend as "joyous" while describing his role as a husband as "doing his share of chores and trying to be emotionally available". He also avoids making the effort to have a discussion with his wife and instead makes social plans after work.

I agree but I also think op isn't drawing a clear line with his words, people understand platonic as not romantic, he could just say we're really close friends like family, but it's a platonic relationship, if he himself says it wasn't platonic people will assume that even if not sexual there's emotional cheating, or they had an emotional romantic affair. OP is acting suspicious with his responses, but the comments accusing are going over the top and making assumptions, it also don't explain the wife's actions since she was fine in the years before but not this year.

It's the oddly specific (and incomplete because this isn't the reddit post) comments the OP made. Also the unhealthy red flags of a minor and an adult being friends with a gap so large they wouldn't have been friends if the older one was in high school too. More than meets the eye regardless on if it's a physical affair or not.

That sounds pretty stupid after OP's update confessing the decade long affair, but sure.

well, have you seen his update? He is gay and in love with his friend. I think it was pretty clear he didn't even like his wife. https://www.reddit.com/user/Remarkable-Use-8439/comments/10s5t37/update_aita_for_missing_an_actual_emergency/

In later comments, he outright described his relationship with the "friend" as nonplatonic.

And the people who can't grasp having a best friend in your teens and 20's? I feel sorry for them. Having a best friend of the same sex, with NO serial interest in one another, is special. You know how my bf and I used to refer to each other? As sisters. Because we were family, though not by blood. I don't get how wife was okay with it and now suddenly pulled a 180. If she's feeling insecure it could be for lots of reasons, but she is the one who needs to figure out her feelings and deal with them. If anyone had tried to come between my best friend and I, we wouldn't have made it to marriage. If I have to take the MIL with the man, then he has to take my bestie with me. Lol Also, in the US sleeping in the same bed seems weird but, he says they were in tight quarters. I've read of entire families sleeping in the same bed. I never had to share a bed with my bf but would have thought nothing of it. No physical attraction, not sexual. Ppl are so uptight about intimacy.

People on reddit do this all the time whenever two men have a close friendship. It's so weird and disturbing. If this had been a woman going on vacation with her best friend no one would've expected anything. They probablh would've even called the bf controlling and obsessive

Lovely double standard right? If OP was a woman nobody would have batted an eye at the friendship but since he's a dude "oh he must be secretly gay!"

Sharing a bed for a month whilst travelling, no doubt to cut down on costs, is vastly different from sharing a flat for years and sleeping in the same bed. The only way this would be similar is if you married a guy but went on holiday with your female friend and switched your mobile off.

🤷I saw Brokeback Mountain for the first time last month and after reading this story it's all I can think of.All those fishing trips 🤨

Because that is Reddit. Marital problems? Either one of the partners is having an affair, or they need to get a divorce.

It sounds like a queer platonic relationship to me. I say as an aspec person who is in a queer platonic and even occasionally sexual relationship with another aspec person. Most people don't really understand QPRs, especially those who aren't on either the asexual or aromantic spectrums (aspec). But often they look like a "bromance" or something between platonic and romantic that may or may not have sexual aspects (Jd+turk). To the vast majority of people they see a relationship like that and either take a hard line "it's purely platonic" stance (usually if it's a het pairing, like you see in team rocket) or they think there's a secret romanic or sexual aspect that maybe people aren't being honest about (most often for non het couplings or even for children or others who haven't openly been in romantic relationships before/express romantic interests/element of "exploration" "epiphany" etc. Simba+Nala/Spock+kirk) I honestly have given up on trying to have any open or honest conversations with friends, family etc. Only queer groups

It's perfect normal for women to share a bed lol

If they used the words and phrases he used to describe what happened in their alone time then yes, they would say the same about two women. Ya'll throw everything under the sun out there to try and justify a mans suspicious behavior if it seems hes cheating but let it be a woman and everyone automatically jumps to that conclusion

Nope! If it were just two men who were friends no one would blink an eye. He admitted their friendship was more than platonic! He said it wasn't sexually explicit, then what was it? I'm a gay man and I have straight male friends. We don't hook up. I also don't get uncomfortable when other gay men aske me if we have. I find it annoying AF, but it doesn't make me uncomfortable. His discomfort and admitting that his relationship was more than platonic makes me think they are having a romantic affair and they turn off their phones to lessen the guilt. Just my opinion, but that's the vibe I got. If two women were taking these trips and admitted to having hooked up before, I would assume the exact same thing.

What do you think would have happened if his wife was mugged, shot and the hospital would have been trying to contact her next of kin? I agree with the commenter who said a number for the hotel lobby should have been left in case of an emergency. He is married and he is her next of kin...the one that has to make medical decisions when she is unable. Phone free weekends are terrific when single with no obligations. That is not the case now. She should have laid off the calls, I can agree with that...but acting like she had no right to be able to reach him is simply immature, imo...he is a whole husband now with responsibilities. .