The average US shower is 10 mins, this guy is taking nearly an hour. If he’s on the toilet for 25 minutes, he needs to eat more fibre and/or see a doctor. But really, he’s not doing this to get clean, he’s doing it for some quiet time to himself so his wife will handle all the kid chaos. I think that she should disappear into the bathroom for an hour after he finally joins them and see how he likes dealing with everything. Really he just needs to cut his bathroom time in half and start pulling his weight.

There are things they can both do better. Demanding that he not shower after working a physically demanding job for 12 hours is unreasonable. And taking ~60 minutes total in the bathroom is also unreasonable. Perhaps a good compromise could be that hubby takes 20 minutes in the bathroom and then they both work together to prepare dinner. That way, they're still on schedule to put the kids down on time.

If people actually read her come back then he is NOT in a physically demanding job. He is a sweaty person. I don't know if he ever takes time with the children. It doesn't sound like it. Maybe he could pick up some takeaways once a week, or help with tea. 25 minutes on the toilet, he either has serious health issues that mean he's having to take his time on the loo, or more likely he's reading a magazine or on his phone and avoiding her. And yes it doesn't take 25 to 30 minutes to have a good shower. Maybe if he were actually working in a filthy job, but not if he is 'sweaty' only. He may need to look at the fabric of his uniform if it causes him to be sweaty all day.

Let him cook his own dinner when he gets out! Stop tryna cook the little kids dinner that late. Make it mid morning when they nap so its ready for lunch/dinner. Or there are easier meal options. Toddlers wont care. Sounds like after dinner he plays video games and doesnt help at kids bedtimes either. F that!

Firstly, how does he spend 25 minutes in the shower? I am done and dusted in 20 minutes and that includes drying my hair. Secondly, sitting for too long on the toilet can lead to bowel problems, like piles. If he is sitting there reading then that is just selfish.

You can always tell the kids who have late bedtimes and late suppers. They're cranky to the point the parent is fed up and looking for someone else to blame for the poor evening meal and bedtime schedules. I agree with some of the people saying the kids could be fed earlier, as they should be. Yeah, her husband doesn't come home caked in dirt, but that sweaty feeling of being in damp clothes is no picnic. There are days I come home and immediately having a shower, then stepping into my cozy jammies for the evening. It seems like this mom really wants her husband to take the kids off her hands and do the bedtime routine. Not sure who is more realistic for their lifestyle and energy, but her husband may just not have the energy 2 hours later to want to shower by then.

Put the TV on for the kids and get into the shower with him ;) he'll take less time in there and it'll strengthen your relationship.

She seems like she will make this his fault no matter what the suggestions. I think it's unfair to expect him to not shower after work. He can probably cut that time down to 40 minutes. That is reasonable to me. Maybe use that time for the kid's TV time and they will be absorbed for an hour.

Reminds me of the time I asked my GP if spending more than 20 minutes on the toilet was down to male anatomy. A loooong-standing initiator of fights between our parents was his invariable habit of waiting until we were all ready to go somewhere and he would “just pop to the bathroom”, and literally spend 20 minutes or more, while us kids got progressively more antsy because we were bundled up ready to go and bored. He insisted that going #2 “takes time”. He would also hog the single bathroom every morning when there were 3 of us to get ready for school, leaving us to scramble to try to get there on time. According to my Dr. unless he had serious gastrointestinal issues, this was not true. Spent the next few decades wondering on and off why on earth he would do that when it always wound the mother up to screaming pitch. We’ve fairly recently come to the conclusion he is undiagnosed neurodivergent and this behaviour is/was driven by a need to go to the bathroom at home. OBVIOUSLY, the most logical thing to do was wait to the last minute, to ensure no chance of needing to go anywhere else and, clearly, he HAD to wait until he had passed something. So many of his idiosyncrasies, that were annoying as heII at the time, make sense in light of this probability.

Man, I'm grateful for my husband. When our kids were little, he'd come home and immediately jump in and help. He told me he works all day, I work all day and when he gets home is when we team up for the rest. We worked together to get dinner and bedtime routines done. He wanted time with the kids, and we wanted to decompress together. Sometimes we'd each be doing our own thing, but in the same room. But the point is, it was a team effort. This guy doesn't even seem to be involved with the kids. He hides the second he gets home.

you're the a*****e. If you did his job you would demand a shower. so shut up and WAIT!

Here is an idea: prep dinner for the next day the night before. Then all you have to do is get it in the oven or put it on a burner to heat or cook so it's not too much time away from the kids. And you both can teach the kids to behave more as "messy eaters". Put mays under their chairs to help with the floor cleaning. He could give you 30 mins to set the food up from prep the night before to at least give them a little time before he clean up. Yeah my hubs takes an hour or more. Toilet. Tablet. Then change. Shower. Clean clothes. Sometimes it's around 45 min to 1 hr to hour an a half before he gets back to me. But I know I'll expect that and I PLAN AROUND IT. You could even prep dinner when the kids are napping or playing in their play pen with an eye on them. Sahm a working dads have their times with the kids too.

Agree that husband needs and deserves his shower. But 50 minutes in the bathroom?? That's too long. I agree with Starsong Princess on this. Half an hour should be enough. But if he's not willing to do that, then move up meal time and feed the kids before he gets home. As soon as husband leaves the bathroom, whisk the kids into the bath, get them ready for bed. Ignore hubby. When he asks for dinner, say he has to wait, the kids need their time in the bathroom and they've been waiting on him to finish. By the time you're finished with the kids and go make his dinner (or reheat it), it will almost be his bedtime. And then maybe he will realize how his actions affect everyone else, and be willing to compromise.

It's thr 25 mins on the toilet and then another 25 mins for a shower. That is a stretch. When my kids were young I was lucky to have 5 mins to myself EVER unless I was at work.

If I, as a woman, can shower to sparkling cleaness after dairy farm work in under 10 minutes this father can too! Yes it's tough but bite through it for the five days a week and in two years things will be way easier. And most of all: talk to each other!

Woman sounds like manipulative trash. What a mistake having children with that.

You're the AH.

Let the man have his hour and she can adjust the way she does things. I cannot believe that in those 13 SAH hours, she find the time to meal prep or even fully prepare dinner that can just be warmed up later. Put the kids in front of a TV with cartoons on. Do they not take at least one nap during the day? If I was in sweaty clothes for 12 hours I would not want to wait, and I certainly would not want to touch anything, including the kids like that.

Be grateful that hubs wants to be clean and presentable. Many ER nurses I've worked with also go home and walked directly into the shower and scrub the dirt, germs, blood, vomit, etc. off themselves while their scrubs are in the washer. I think OP needs better meal planning; maybe she can get someone to babysit a couple of hours a week so she can do meal prep or make a larger amount of something (spaghetti sauce, beef stew, lasagna, etc.) that can be reheated for other meals. Give the kids a healthy snack while dad's getting cleaned up so they can be under control.

As someone whose job gets them gross (food; I get sweaty and greasy and covered in raw chicken juice) 25 minutes to shower is not unreasonable at all. The 25 minutes of toilet time is a bigger issue. It shouldn't take that long. But the biggest issue is that this is a toxic situation all around. Both of them need to take each other's needs into consideration better.

How on earth are you feeding these kids at breakfast and lunch? If you can't cook and/or clean without someone watching them, that seems problematic and one by now should have been solved. He definitely needs to cut that time in the bathroom. I get he needs some time to clean up and rest, but he also has two kids. That's life. Expecting him to hang around dirty because you haven't figured out a way to keep your kids occupied doesn't work. Nor does disappearing for an hour to clean up. Some semblance of balance must exist, but he does need to be allowed the time to clean.

ESH. He is taking an hour to clean up. She is taking 2 hours to cook/ feed/ bathe kids. He could be quicker in shower, she could make meals the dont require " over the stove" time ( crock pot / instapot/ oven / microwave ).

He should get a vasectomy

I seriously would NOT want to come home to that every day. She’s emasculating him and disrespecting him.

She is 100 percent AH, but after he is done he should help her!!!

It is unclear if OP even understands why he takes 25min showers (a quick shower could solve the a "sweaty mess" issue, he might feel the need for longer if he's dealing with aches/pains or using it as relaxation time). But 25min on the toilet indicates either he's an issue with his diet, which he might need to see a doctor about, or he's using it as reading time. Either way, 50 minutes in the bathroom when he gets home knowing two toddlers are left waiting for an evening meal is unreasonable. At the same time, whilst eating a meal as a family would be nice, it is not always practical - they could eat earlier than mom & dad. If she can't cook with them around, and can't distract them herself of an evening, meal prepping (which could be done when he's home to help), setting something in a slow-cooker earlier in the day, and/or reassessing what can be made without too much effort seems like obvious solutions so the kids can eat at a more reasonable time.

No one should be taking 25 min to poop and 25 min to shower. Do your business as expediently as possible and help with your children so you all can eat.