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Man Snaps After His Exhausted Stay-At-Home Wife Tries To “Police” His Showering Schedule
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Man Snaps After His Exhausted Stay-At-Home Wife Tries To “Police” His Showering Schedule

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Being a stay-at-home parent of small children is certainly a full-time job. But when your partner also works full-time outside of the home, it can be challenging to agree on how those hours after work should be spent. 

Below, you’ll find a story that one exhausted mother recently shared on Reddit, wondering if she’s wrong for trying to dictate when her husband is allowed to take showers. Keep reading to also find a conversation with Amy Webb of The Thoughtful Parent, as well as some of the replies invested readers shared.

It’s easy for parents of small children to feel like there’s simply not enough time in the day

Image credits: tkasperova (not the actual image)

So this mom is wondering if it’s fair for her to dictate when her husband gets to shower

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Later, after reading some responses, the mom provided additional details on the situation

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“Doing even normal household tasks with young children in tow is challenging”

To gain more insight on this topic, we reached out to Amy Webb, creator of The Thoughtful Parent, who was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda about the issue between these two parents. Amy shared that this type of situation is common, especially when families have young children at home. “Toddlers demand a lot of attention and are at an age where they have very little ability to manage their emotions, so tantrums and big emotional reactions are not uncommon,” she explained.

“Sometimes doing even normal household tasks with young children in tow is challenging. It can be a strain on a marriage if neither partner wants to compromise or recognize/empathize with the experiences and feelings of the other,” the expert continued. “If one partner does most of the childcare, the other one may not completely understand how challenging it can be to get anything done with toddlers in the house.”

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“Set up an activity for the children while you make dinner”

As for how parents can ensure that chores get done and dinner gets made even with little ones at home, Amy provided some recommendations. “Set up an activity for the children while you make dinner. Maybe a toy they haven’t seen in a while or household objects like big bowls and spoons they can play with near the kitchen so you can keep an eye on them,” she shared.

“Try to prep some portion of dinner earlier in the day when the kids are napping or watching TV (if you allow that). Even some simple chopping or other food prep in advance can help make the ‘witching hour’ less stressful,” Amy added. “Young children are known to get cranky from around 4-7 pm (i.e. the ‘witching hour’), so tasks may be especially difficult then. Doing them earlier might work out better.”

The parenting expert also says that babywearing can be a great solution for very young toddlers. “Strap your baby or young toddler into a carrier, and they are usually happy while you can cook or do chores,” Amy told Bored Panda. “Older toddlers (3+) may be able to help with some simple cooking activities like pouring, mixing, etc. This would give them something to do while you cook, so they aren’t underfoot and cranky.”

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It’s also important for parents to compromise with their partner. “Trade off cooking, so the other partner can watch the kids,” Amy recommends.

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“If neither partner really empathizes with the work that the other is doing, cultural stereotypes about ‘who’s working harder’ will likely prevail”

The expert also says it’s very important for working parents and stay-at-home parents to understand the other’s perspective as much as possible. “ALL parents are working parents! Whether you work inside the home caring for kids or outside, both have stresses,” she explained.

“Understanding that is key to making this type of relationship work. If neither partner really empathizes with the work that the other is doing, cultural stereotypes about ‘who’s working harder’ will likely prevail,” Amy warns. “Tune out the stereotypes and tune in and really listen to what each partner does in a day. Both jobs are hard; just in different ways.”

If you’d like to hear more words of wisdom about parenting from Amy, be sure to visit The Thoughtful Parent! And then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing conflicts between parents, look no further than right here.

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Some readers assured the mother that she hadn’t done anything wrong, noting that the situation itself is difficult

However, others thought the mom could try harder to find a compromise with her husband

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And some thought that both parents should work on finding a better arrangement

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Adelaide Ross

Adelaide Ross

Writer, BoredPanda staff

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Howdy, I'm Adelaide! I'm originally from Texas, but after graduating from university with an acting degree, I relocated to sunny Los Angeles for a while. I then got a serious bite from the travel bug and found myself moving to Sweden and England before settling in Lithuania about two years ago. I'm passionate about animal welfare, sustainability and eating delicious food. But as you can see, I cover a wide range of topics including drama, internet trends and hilarious memes. I can easily be won over with a Seinfeld reference, vegan pastry or glass of fresh cold brew. And during my free time, I can usually be seen strolling through a park, playing tennis or baking something tasty.

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Adelaide Ross

Adelaide Ross

Writer, BoredPanda staff

Howdy, I'm Adelaide! I'm originally from Texas, but after graduating from university with an acting degree, I relocated to sunny Los Angeles for a while. I then got a serious bite from the travel bug and found myself moving to Sweden and England before settling in Lithuania about two years ago. I'm passionate about animal welfare, sustainability and eating delicious food. But as you can see, I cover a wide range of topics including drama, internet trends and hilarious memes. I can easily be won over with a Seinfeld reference, vegan pastry or glass of fresh cold brew. And during my free time, I can usually be seen strolling through a park, playing tennis or baking something tasty.

Dominyka

Dominyka

Author, BoredPanda staff

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I'm a Visual Editor at Bored Panda, crafting captivating visual content to enhance every reader's experience. Sometimes my mornings are spent diving into juicy dramas, while afternoons are all about adding extra laughs to the world by editing the funniest memes around. My favorite part of the job? Choosing the perfect images to illustrate articles. It's like imagining a story as a movie in my mind and selecting the key shots to tell the story visually.

Read less »

Dominyka

Dominyka

Author, BoredPanda staff

I'm a Visual Editor at Bored Panda, crafting captivating visual content to enhance every reader's experience. Sometimes my mornings are spent diving into juicy dramas, while afternoons are all about adding extra laughs to the world by editing the funniest memes around. My favorite part of the job? Choosing the perfect images to illustrate articles. It's like imagining a story as a movie in my mind and selecting the key shots to tell the story visually.

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The Starsong Princess
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The average US shower is 10 mins, this guy is taking nearly an hour. If he’s on the toilet for 25 minutes, he needs to eat more fibre and/or see a doctor. But really, he’s not doing this to get clean, he’s doing it for some quiet time to himself so his wife will handle all the kid chaos. I think that she should disappear into the bathroom for an hour after he finally joins them and see how he likes dealing with everything. Really he just needs to cut his bathroom time in half and start pulling his weight.

Star Anäis
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She has the whole day. She can put the kids in a playpen and make the meals to be heated quickly when he arrives. Or feed the kids earlier, letting them both have peace to enjoy dinner. 13 hours work in construction, this man needs to relax, decompress and mentally reset. This is a much needed break. He will be a happier, more present person when he's done. He has plenty of time with the kids when he's finished and fresh. I personally wouldn't want him bringing germs, dust and grime around the children and home. My sister works an incredibly demanding job. Our family allow her the luxury of her 1 hr baths because it's a much needed calm and reset when she returns home.

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Terry Tobias
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If the kids are 1 and 3 they should be eating sooner than 7:30 at night. Since dad works so late, mom could feed the kids earlier and dad could take a quicker shower when he gets home. They could finesse the times and what each of them does every night to find what works best for all of them.They need to work together to accomplish that.

Nice Beast Ludo
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Seems like she is specifically waiting for him to get home so he can't have that time to himself.

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Petra
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There are things they can both do better. Demanding that he not shower after working a physically demanding job for 12 hours is unreasonable. And taking ~60 minutes total in the bathroom is also unreasonable. Perhaps a good compromise could be that hubby takes 20 minutes in the bathroom and then they both work together to prepare dinner. That way, they're still on schedule to put the kids down on time.

Ace
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The couple are engaged in a battle without even realising they're at war. She wants him to do more, or at least some, of the hands-on parenting; he wants to chill out when he gets home and not have to put up with the kids. Not sure who's more at fault, but it seems that the poster is unaware of the real underlying issues here.

Karen Philpott
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If people actually read her come back then he is NOT in a physically demanding job. He is a sweaty person. I don't know if he ever takes time with the children. It doesn't sound like it. Maybe he could pick up some takeaways once a week, or help with tea. 25 minutes on the toilet, he either has serious health issues that mean he's having to take his time on the loo, or more likely he's reading a magazine or on his phone and avoiding her. And yes it doesn't take 25 to 30 minutes to have a good shower. Maybe if he were actually working in a filthy job, but not if he is 'sweaty' only. He may need to look at the fabric of his uniform if it causes him to be sweaty all day.

Lola July
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She changed a lot of what she said in her 2nd answer. First it was preparing, cooking dinner, eating, cleaning, bathing and putting children to bed. 2 hrs. Then when she got some blow back it was 1/2 hr was needed? Right, she's going to prepare, cook dinner, clean up. He needs a shower. I had 2 kids 15 months apart. Not that difficult. My husband worked an exhausting job in construction. If he wanted to shower I wouldn't blame him! Her husband can shorten his time in the bathroom 25 minutes on the toilet? He also can get his butt out there and play with those kids, also help bath them and do jammy stuff too. We did. I did the housework the Children were our joy to spend time with! For me it was until 8pm then Mommy brain was done.😊

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Pittsburgh rare
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Cooking dinner during the day, reheat it at dinner time. Bam. You have no schedule problems. And yet... another story where she's frustrated by her own choice and he's clearly avoidant. Maybe the problem is deeper than dinner after all.

WindySwede
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The dinner is probably the manifestation of the problem? Did not read whole,was mom home by here own choice/will? Else find a jobb if possible and have daycare? It's important for the kids to socialise outside of family. But if just food, they could make large batches on weekends and freeze the food in portions. Both of them work hard with what they do, both deserves time for themselves to stress out? Is that the word?

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PrettyJoyBird
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Let him cook his own dinner when he gets out! Stop tryna cook the little kids dinner that late. Make it mid morning when they nap so its ready for lunch/dinner. Or there are easier meal options. Toddlers wont care. Sounds like after dinner he plays video games and doesnt help at kids bedtimes either. F that!

Chez2202
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No. He is on a 13 hour day working construction. She is at home with 2 kids. She can’t feed them earlier? She can’t put them in a playpen while she prepares the evening meal or do it while they nap? She wants whatever may be clinging to his clothes after a day at work to be all over their furniture? Just because he doesn’t work directly with things like fibreglass etc. does not mean he isn’t in contact with them on a construction site. She needs to manage her time better and get then they can BOTH relax in the evening. I don’t say this lightly. I worked full time when my daughter was a baby and still managed to do all of the other things around my work hours, my childminder only looked after my child and occasionally vacuumed when she napped.

Jill Bussey
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Firstly, how does he spend 25 minutes in the shower? I am done and dusted in 20 minutes and that includes drying my hair. Secondly, sitting for too long on the toilet can lead to bowel problems, like piles. If he is sitting there reading then that is just selfish.

Chelsea McKee
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm sorry, you seem really nice, but the man is going to and absolutely should take a shower whenever he wants. You have all day most days to be more prepared for dinner, since that seems to be your responsibility. I work at a restaurant and the first thing I do when I get home is shower. Now imagine being in the hot sun doing essentially mandatory laborious activities under constant supervision, coming home, and being told to not wash the day off. There are a lot of personal sacrifices somebody makes when taking in another person as the sole provider. It does take two, and people who stay home can make life more comfortable, but I feel as if you're being politely unreasonable.

Scott Rackley
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not to mention washing chemicals off himself that are used in construction that they might not want to expose the kids to. Industrial solvents, cleaners, paints, not to mention grease, hydraulic fluid and what not. All those are toxic, some highly toxic. Definitely something you don't want toddlers exposed to.

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StrangeOne
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You can always tell the kids who have late bedtimes and late suppers. They're cranky to the point the parent is fed up and looking for someone else to blame for the poor evening meal and bedtime schedules. I agree with some of the people saying the kids could be fed earlier, as they should be. Yeah, her husband doesn't come home caked in dirt, but that sweaty feeling of being in damp clothes is no picnic. There are days I come home and immediately having a shower, then stepping into my cozy jammies for the evening. It seems like this mom really wants her husband to take the kids off her hands and do the bedtime routine. Not sure who is more realistic for their lifestyle and energy, but her husband may just not have the energy 2 hours later to want to shower by then.

Vladimíra Matejová
Community Member
7 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is not true kids with late bedtimes are cranky. We tried to put our son to bed early but he just wont go sleeping and if so he is already awake at 4 and wants to play. We gave up and let him go to bed later. He is still running around and refuses to go to sleep till the last minute, but at the end he falls asleep. She should allow him to shower quickly immediately after work but then he should help with the kids. If he wants to relax in a bathtube he can do it later when kids are asleep. But the wife needs his help asap after he comes from work. They are both the parents. He maybe works for 12 hours but she cannot work for 24/7. After he comes home they should work as a team and then relax together. Also ppl saying she should cook while they nap...well she also needs a lunch break, possibly get stg done around house, make planns, etc. Husband probably has a lunch break too

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Tams21
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It isn't even just about being unfair on his wife, it's also the fact that as a father who was out all day, you'd expect him to make an effort to see as much of his kids as possible, not avoid seeing them. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to shower after work but he should keep it to the time he actually needs to get clean - he can unwind later.

Vladimíra Matejová
Community Member
8 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Also he is blocking the bathroom for the whole family for an hour in the evening when kids will also need it

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Breadcrumb.
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Put the TV on for the kids and get into the shower with him ;) he'll take less time in there and it'll strengthen your relationship.

Kimberley Dillon Chapman
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Buy a Crockpot or Instapot. Meal prep. Freeze cooked meals for future dinners. Jeesh!

Nice Beast Ludo
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She seems like she will make this his fault no matter what the suggestions. I think it's unfair to expect him to not shower after work. He can probably cut that time down to 40 minutes. That is reasonable to me. Maybe use that time for the kid's TV time and they will be absorbed for an hour.

Anouk T
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

40 minutes is not a reasonable time for shower - 15-20 mins tops, he is clearly having a chill time there which sort of makes sense after work but she’s also working so they have to compromise , they are both unfair to each other

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JB
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Reminds me of the time I asked my GP if spending more than 20 minutes on the toilet was down to male anatomy. A loooong-standing initiator of fights between our parents was his invariable habit of waiting until we were all ready to go somewhere and he would “just pop to the bathroom”, and literally spend 20 minutes or more, while us kids got progressively more antsy because we were bundled up ready to go and bored. He insisted that going #2 “takes time”. He would also hog the single bathroom every morning when there were 3 of us to get ready for school, leaving us to scramble to try to get there on time. According to my Dr. unless he had serious gastrointestinal issues, this was not true. Spent the next few decades wondering on and off why on earth he would do that when it always wound the mother up to screaming pitch. We’ve fairly recently come to the conclusion he is undiagnosed neurodivergent and this behaviour is/was driven by a need to go to the bathroom at home. OBVIOUSLY, the most logical thing to do was wait to the last minute, to ensure no chance of needing to go anywhere else and, clearly, he HAD to wait until he had passed something. So many of his idiosyncrasies, that were annoying as heII at the time, make sense in light of this probability.

Austin L
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is a problem with the parent, not the children if they can cause that much trouble for a 30 min meal prep.

Tyranamar Seuss
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is what Baby Bum and Cocomelon are for. That 1/2-1 hr of sanity while you cook dinner.

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Amelia Jade
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Man, I'm grateful for my husband. When our kids were little, he'd come home and immediately jump in and help. He told me he works all day, I work all day and when he gets home is when we team up for the rest. We worked together to get dinner and bedtime routines done. He wanted time with the kids, and we wanted to decompress together. Sometimes we'd each be doing our own thing, but in the same room. But the point is, it was a team effort. This guy doesn't even seem to be involved with the kids. He hides the second he gets home.

Tyranamar Seuss
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Was your husband covered in sweat when he came home? I think that makes a difference. He could be faster but dude needs a shower.

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Fun Fan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In those 13hoursathome with children, she has plenty time tolearn to not to be messy eaters. Other moms do this beside working full-time.

Nonya Business
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

you're the a*****e. If you did his job you would demand a shower. so shut up and WAIT!

Deborah B
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is why humankind invented play pens. Regardless of husband's shower schedule, put the babies in a playpen with their toys, or put 1yo in a bouncer or walker, and have 3 watch cartoons. They can survive without being attached to you for half an hour while you make dinner. And why doesn't he just make it a quick scrub up and fresh clothes, without spending 50 min in the bathroom? ESH.

Mad McQueen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Here is an idea: prep dinner for the next day the night before. Then all you have to do is get it in the oven or put it on a burner to heat or cook so it's not too much time away from the kids. And you both can teach the kids to behave more as "messy eaters". Put mays under their chairs to help with the floor cleaning. He could give you 30 mins to set the food up from prep the night before to at least give them a little time before he clean up. Yeah my hubs takes an hour or more. Toilet. Tablet. Then change. Shower. Clean clothes. Sometimes it's around 45 min to 1 hr to hour an a half before he gets back to me. But I know I'll expect that and I PLAN AROUND IT. You could even prep dinner when the kids are napping or playing in their play pen with an eye on them. Sahm a working dads have their times with the kids too.

Anouk T
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They need to compromise. But also, she clearly has a schedule that is too strict with kids you need some flexibility. And I really can’t believe those kids always need exactly same bedtime and they need a bath everyday and can’t ever go to bed 20-30 mins later.

madbakes
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It really is best for kids to stick to a schedule, though they both have things they need to change.

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Mary Muir
Community Member
8 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Agree that husband needs and deserves his shower. But 50 minutes in the bathroom?? That's too long. I agree with Starsong Princess on this. Half an hour should be enough. But if he's not willing to do that, then move up meal time and feed the kids before he gets home. As soon as husband leaves the bathroom, whisk the kids into the bath, get them ready for bed. Ignore hubby. When he asks for dinner, say he has to wait, the kids need their time in the bathroom and they've been waiting on him to finish. By the time you're finished with the kids and go make his dinner (or reheat it), it will almost be his bedtime. And then maybe he will realize how his actions affect everyone else, and be willing to compromise.

Key Lime
Community Member
8 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He should quickly shower and change then take some time after he helps get the kids fed and to bed, for himself.

Key Lime
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's thr 25 mins on the toilet and then another 25 mins for a shower. That is a stretch. When my kids were young I was lucky to have 5 mins to myself EVER unless I was at work.

DrBronxx
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My impression is that the "YTA" people aren't parents. Also, 25 minutes on the toilet? See a doctor or don't bring your phone in there.

My O My
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If I, as a woman, can shower to sparkling cleaness after dairy farm work in under 10 minutes this father can too! Yes it's tough but bite through it for the five days a week and in two years things will be way easier. And most of all: talk to each other!

Carole Reid
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My Dad would have taken his shower no questions asked. She is trying to manipulate the entire situation.

MrsFettesVette
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Avoidant behavior. As soon as we were finished with dinner my dad would disappear into the bathroom so he didn't have to help clean up. My husband doesn't do it after dinner, but he also spends too much time in the bathroom, scrolling through Reddit on his phone, calls it "me time".

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Irene Bucior
Community Member
8 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

While cleaning up after breakfast, I would make part of dinner, i.e., salad, veggies side dish or a starch I could reheat in the microwave. Took 15 minutes tops. Then only needed to make the protein, steak, chicken, fish at dinner time. Chicken could stay warm in the oven no matter how you make it. Sometimes when kids napped I could make 20 meatballs, enough for two dinners. You’re making it hard on yourself and your husband.

Craig Reynolds
Community Member
8 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Let the man have his hour and she can adjust the way she does things. I cannot believe that in those 13 SAH hours, she find the time to meal prep or even fully prepare dinner that can just be warmed up later. Put the kids in front of a TV with cartoons on. Do they not take at least one nap during the day? If I was in sweaty clothes for 12 hours I would not want to wait, and I certainly would not want to touch anything, including the kids like that.

Brent Amador
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

YBTA neither of you understand that you both are working. He’s covered in sweat and whatnot, I assume you also get sweaty and covered in whatever your kids get on you. When do you get to take a shower? Im sure he doesn’t consider that. I would feed your kids before he gets home. There are plenty of fast(healthy) things they make for babies and kids now days.

Jude Laskowski
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Be grateful that hubs wants to be clean and presentable. Many ER nurses I've worked with also go home and walked directly into the shower and scrub the dirt, germs, blood, vomit, etc. off themselves while their scrubs are in the washer. I think OP needs better meal planning; maybe she can get someone to babysit a couple of hours a week so she can do meal prep or make a larger amount of something (spaghetti sauce, beef stew, lasagna, etc.) that can be reheated for other meals. Give the kids a healthy snack while dad's getting cleaned up so they can be under control.

Jake stenhouse
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I could hazard a guess as to why he’s spending so long in the shower but she’s not going to like it

Angela C
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As someone whose job gets them gross (food; I get sweaty and greasy and covered in raw chicken juice) 25 minutes to shower is not unreasonable at all. The 25 minutes of toilet time is a bigger issue. It shouldn't take that long. But the biggest issue is that this is a toxic situation all around. Both of them need to take each other's needs into consideration better.

Yin Lin
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

ESH. The guy should probably spend less time in the bathroom, but you’re refusing to let him take a shower at all after more than 12 hours working in filthy conditions? A*****e move. Find a way to compromise.

MR
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How on earth are you feeding these kids at breakfast and lunch? If you can't cook and/or clean without someone watching them, that seems problematic and one by now should have been solved. He definitely needs to cut that time in the bathroom. I get he needs some time to clean up and rest, but he also has two kids. That's life. Expecting him to hang around dirty because you haven't figured out a way to keep your kids occupied doesn't work. Nor does disappearing for an hour to clean up. Some semblance of balance must exist, but he does need to be allowed the time to clean.

Vladimíra Matejová
Community Member
8 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To not be able to cook and watch 2 todlers at the same time is totally reasonable. I only have one but the kid cannot be unsupervised with just tv or he would hurt himself ( constantly runs around climbs on sofa or table looks for things he could chew on etc) and he cannot be with me in the kitchen or he would cling to my legs and want to be held. I cannot imagine to have 2 of them like this. we do it this way: one of us cooks, the other plays with him. The food is prepared in the evening for the next 2-3days ( lunch). Other meals are quick and do not require cooking. So i say NTA and hubby should stop hiding in the bathroom. 10mins shower, 10mins max on the toilet then go help your wife for at least a few mins. You can relax when she is done cooking ( take a longer bath or whatever)

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Star Anäis
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Unreasonable woman. He's been up since 5am and spends 13 hours at work collecting germs, dust, grime. Personally, I would want him clean around the children and home, on top of care for his hygiene and comfort. She's at home all day. She could feed the kids early, prepare dinner early and warm it for 5mins at the stove when he arrives. Sounds selfish controlling to me. Showering is pleasurable and relaxing and can be a mental reset especially since he's been out on his feet half the day. I would let my man relax and have dinner ready when he gets out. She has the whole day at home.

Sue User
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

ESH. He is taking an hour to clean up. She is taking 2 hours to cook/ feed/ bathe kids. He could be quicker in shower, she could make meals the dont require " over the stove" time ( crock pot / instapot/ oven / microwave ).

Marnie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Someone suggested she just wait for him before making dinner. He comes home at 6:30, takes almost an hour in the shower, which brings us to 7:20. If she makes dinner then, the kids have maybe 10 minutes to eat and then straight to bed. You shouldn't eat right before bed. And also, that's way too late for little kids to have dinner. They have tiny stomachs and fast metabolisms. They need to eat more frequently. Also, 50 minutes is way too long to get cleaned up when he has two small children. Also, he and she are both working the same number of hours during the day. Why does she have to keep working when he gets home, but he doesn't?

Ima Manimal
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I seriously would NOT want to come home to that every day. She’s emasculating him and disrespecting him.

SlightlyTarnished
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Something doesn't add up. If, and it's a big IF, the husband sits on the toilet for 25min, he needs to see a doctor, this isn't normal and would likely have hemorrhoids like no other. Likely the wife may be exaggerating a bit time in the bathroom. Also, a 25min shower is a long shower, long enough to drain even a robust hot water heater. Something doesn't sound right with these timelines.

Miki
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She is 100 percent AH, but after he is done he should help her!!!

A girl
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Compromise on time. My construction worker husband was so dirty when he got home sometimes he'd undress in the garage and march up to the shower in tighty whities. He also refused to use portapoties so i can see the extra time. That being said, maybe quick shower, help SAHM, then power BR after. And fiber. My legs would fall asleep with rhat amount of throne time.

Amused panda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is unclear if OP even understands why he takes 25min showers (a quick shower could solve the a "sweaty mess" issue, he might feel the need for longer if he's dealing with aches/pains or using it as relaxation time). But 25min on the toilet indicates either he's an issue with his diet, which he might need to see a doctor about, or he's using it as reading time. Either way, 50 minutes in the bathroom when he gets home knowing two toddlers are left waiting for an evening meal is unreasonable. At the same time, whilst eating a meal as a family would be nice, it is not always practical - they could eat earlier than mom & dad. If she can't cook with them around, and can't distract them herself of an evening, meal prepping (which could be done when he's home to help), setting something in a slow-cooker earlier in the day, and/or reassessing what can be made without too much effort seems like obvious solutions so the kids can eat at a more reasonable time.

Rebel Peewee
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds like he can take a 10 min rinse (OP says he's not covered in grime, he's just sweaty) and malice get his bowels checked so he can take faster poops bc yikes. Spasms like he's straight up hiding from them. Also, she should invest in a kitchen helper stool and put toys or playdo on the counter for the kids. Kitchen helpers are *the cure* for whiny kids at your legs as you good. Or ask a neighbor preteen to watch them for an hour as you cook and pay them $5.

Yin Lin
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OP doesn’t know s**t about construction and apparently neither do you. He WILL be covered in grime, and he is NOT “just sweaty”.

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WonderWoman
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No one should be taking 25 min to poop and 25 min to shower. Do your business as expediently as possible and help with your children so you all can eat.

The Starsong Princess
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The average US shower is 10 mins, this guy is taking nearly an hour. If he’s on the toilet for 25 minutes, he needs to eat more fibre and/or see a doctor. But really, he’s not doing this to get clean, he’s doing it for some quiet time to himself so his wife will handle all the kid chaos. I think that she should disappear into the bathroom for an hour after he finally joins them and see how he likes dealing with everything. Really he just needs to cut his bathroom time in half and start pulling his weight.

Star Anäis
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She has the whole day. She can put the kids in a playpen and make the meals to be heated quickly when he arrives. Or feed the kids earlier, letting them both have peace to enjoy dinner. 13 hours work in construction, this man needs to relax, decompress and mentally reset. This is a much needed break. He will be a happier, more present person when he's done. He has plenty of time with the kids when he's finished and fresh. I personally wouldn't want him bringing germs, dust and grime around the children and home. My sister works an incredibly demanding job. Our family allow her the luxury of her 1 hr baths because it's a much needed calm and reset when she returns home.

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Terry Tobias
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If the kids are 1 and 3 they should be eating sooner than 7:30 at night. Since dad works so late, mom could feed the kids earlier and dad could take a quicker shower when he gets home. They could finesse the times and what each of them does every night to find what works best for all of them.They need to work together to accomplish that.

Nice Beast Ludo
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Seems like she is specifically waiting for him to get home so he can't have that time to himself.

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Petra
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There are things they can both do better. Demanding that he not shower after working a physically demanding job for 12 hours is unreasonable. And taking ~60 minutes total in the bathroom is also unreasonable. Perhaps a good compromise could be that hubby takes 20 minutes in the bathroom and then they both work together to prepare dinner. That way, they're still on schedule to put the kids down on time.

Ace
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The couple are engaged in a battle without even realising they're at war. She wants him to do more, or at least some, of the hands-on parenting; he wants to chill out when he gets home and not have to put up with the kids. Not sure who's more at fault, but it seems that the poster is unaware of the real underlying issues here.

Karen Philpott
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If people actually read her come back then he is NOT in a physically demanding job. He is a sweaty person. I don't know if he ever takes time with the children. It doesn't sound like it. Maybe he could pick up some takeaways once a week, or help with tea. 25 minutes on the toilet, he either has serious health issues that mean he's having to take his time on the loo, or more likely he's reading a magazine or on his phone and avoiding her. And yes it doesn't take 25 to 30 minutes to have a good shower. Maybe if he were actually working in a filthy job, but not if he is 'sweaty' only. He may need to look at the fabric of his uniform if it causes him to be sweaty all day.

Lola July
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She changed a lot of what she said in her 2nd answer. First it was preparing, cooking dinner, eating, cleaning, bathing and putting children to bed. 2 hrs. Then when she got some blow back it was 1/2 hr was needed? Right, she's going to prepare, cook dinner, clean up. He needs a shower. I had 2 kids 15 months apart. Not that difficult. My husband worked an exhausting job in construction. If he wanted to shower I wouldn't blame him! Her husband can shorten his time in the bathroom 25 minutes on the toilet? He also can get his butt out there and play with those kids, also help bath them and do jammy stuff too. We did. I did the housework the Children were our joy to spend time with! For me it was until 8pm then Mommy brain was done.😊

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Pittsburgh rare
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Cooking dinner during the day, reheat it at dinner time. Bam. You have no schedule problems. And yet... another story where she's frustrated by her own choice and he's clearly avoidant. Maybe the problem is deeper than dinner after all.

WindySwede
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The dinner is probably the manifestation of the problem? Did not read whole,was mom home by here own choice/will? Else find a jobb if possible and have daycare? It's important for the kids to socialise outside of family. But if just food, they could make large batches on weekends and freeze the food in portions. Both of them work hard with what they do, both deserves time for themselves to stress out? Is that the word?

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PrettyJoyBird
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Let him cook his own dinner when he gets out! Stop tryna cook the little kids dinner that late. Make it mid morning when they nap so its ready for lunch/dinner. Or there are easier meal options. Toddlers wont care. Sounds like after dinner he plays video games and doesnt help at kids bedtimes either. F that!

Chez2202
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No. He is on a 13 hour day working construction. She is at home with 2 kids. She can’t feed them earlier? She can’t put them in a playpen while she prepares the evening meal or do it while they nap? She wants whatever may be clinging to his clothes after a day at work to be all over their furniture? Just because he doesn’t work directly with things like fibreglass etc. does not mean he isn’t in contact with them on a construction site. She needs to manage her time better and get then they can BOTH relax in the evening. I don’t say this lightly. I worked full time when my daughter was a baby and still managed to do all of the other things around my work hours, my childminder only looked after my child and occasionally vacuumed when she napped.

Jill Bussey
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Firstly, how does he spend 25 minutes in the shower? I am done and dusted in 20 minutes and that includes drying my hair. Secondly, sitting for too long on the toilet can lead to bowel problems, like piles. If he is sitting there reading then that is just selfish.

Chelsea McKee
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm sorry, you seem really nice, but the man is going to and absolutely should take a shower whenever he wants. You have all day most days to be more prepared for dinner, since that seems to be your responsibility. I work at a restaurant and the first thing I do when I get home is shower. Now imagine being in the hot sun doing essentially mandatory laborious activities under constant supervision, coming home, and being told to not wash the day off. There are a lot of personal sacrifices somebody makes when taking in another person as the sole provider. It does take two, and people who stay home can make life more comfortable, but I feel as if you're being politely unreasonable.

Scott Rackley
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not to mention washing chemicals off himself that are used in construction that they might not want to expose the kids to. Industrial solvents, cleaners, paints, not to mention grease, hydraulic fluid and what not. All those are toxic, some highly toxic. Definitely something you don't want toddlers exposed to.

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StrangeOne
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You can always tell the kids who have late bedtimes and late suppers. They're cranky to the point the parent is fed up and looking for someone else to blame for the poor evening meal and bedtime schedules. I agree with some of the people saying the kids could be fed earlier, as they should be. Yeah, her husband doesn't come home caked in dirt, but that sweaty feeling of being in damp clothes is no picnic. There are days I come home and immediately having a shower, then stepping into my cozy jammies for the evening. It seems like this mom really wants her husband to take the kids off her hands and do the bedtime routine. Not sure who is more realistic for their lifestyle and energy, but her husband may just not have the energy 2 hours later to want to shower by then.

Vladimíra Matejová
Community Member
7 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is not true kids with late bedtimes are cranky. We tried to put our son to bed early but he just wont go sleeping and if so he is already awake at 4 and wants to play. We gave up and let him go to bed later. He is still running around and refuses to go to sleep till the last minute, but at the end he falls asleep. She should allow him to shower quickly immediately after work but then he should help with the kids. If he wants to relax in a bathtube he can do it later when kids are asleep. But the wife needs his help asap after he comes from work. They are both the parents. He maybe works for 12 hours but she cannot work for 24/7. After he comes home they should work as a team and then relax together. Also ppl saying she should cook while they nap...well she also needs a lunch break, possibly get stg done around house, make planns, etc. Husband probably has a lunch break too

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Tams21
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It isn't even just about being unfair on his wife, it's also the fact that as a father who was out all day, you'd expect him to make an effort to see as much of his kids as possible, not avoid seeing them. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to shower after work but he should keep it to the time he actually needs to get clean - he can unwind later.

Vladimíra Matejová
Community Member
8 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Also he is blocking the bathroom for the whole family for an hour in the evening when kids will also need it

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Breadcrumb.
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Put the TV on for the kids and get into the shower with him ;) he'll take less time in there and it'll strengthen your relationship.

Kimberley Dillon Chapman
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Buy a Crockpot or Instapot. Meal prep. Freeze cooked meals for future dinners. Jeesh!

Nice Beast Ludo
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She seems like she will make this his fault no matter what the suggestions. I think it's unfair to expect him to not shower after work. He can probably cut that time down to 40 minutes. That is reasonable to me. Maybe use that time for the kid's TV time and they will be absorbed for an hour.

Anouk T
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

40 minutes is not a reasonable time for shower - 15-20 mins tops, he is clearly having a chill time there which sort of makes sense after work but she’s also working so they have to compromise , they are both unfair to each other

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JB
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Reminds me of the time I asked my GP if spending more than 20 minutes on the toilet was down to male anatomy. A loooong-standing initiator of fights between our parents was his invariable habit of waiting until we were all ready to go somewhere and he would “just pop to the bathroom”, and literally spend 20 minutes or more, while us kids got progressively more antsy because we were bundled up ready to go and bored. He insisted that going #2 “takes time”. He would also hog the single bathroom every morning when there were 3 of us to get ready for school, leaving us to scramble to try to get there on time. According to my Dr. unless he had serious gastrointestinal issues, this was not true. Spent the next few decades wondering on and off why on earth he would do that when it always wound the mother up to screaming pitch. We’ve fairly recently come to the conclusion he is undiagnosed neurodivergent and this behaviour is/was driven by a need to go to the bathroom at home. OBVIOUSLY, the most logical thing to do was wait to the last minute, to ensure no chance of needing to go anywhere else and, clearly, he HAD to wait until he had passed something. So many of his idiosyncrasies, that were annoying as heII at the time, make sense in light of this probability.

Austin L
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is a problem with the parent, not the children if they can cause that much trouble for a 30 min meal prep.

Tyranamar Seuss
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is what Baby Bum and Cocomelon are for. That 1/2-1 hr of sanity while you cook dinner.

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Amelia Jade
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Man, I'm grateful for my husband. When our kids were little, he'd come home and immediately jump in and help. He told me he works all day, I work all day and when he gets home is when we team up for the rest. We worked together to get dinner and bedtime routines done. He wanted time with the kids, and we wanted to decompress together. Sometimes we'd each be doing our own thing, but in the same room. But the point is, it was a team effort. This guy doesn't even seem to be involved with the kids. He hides the second he gets home.

Tyranamar Seuss
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Was your husband covered in sweat when he came home? I think that makes a difference. He could be faster but dude needs a shower.

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Fun Fan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In those 13hoursathome with children, she has plenty time tolearn to not to be messy eaters. Other moms do this beside working full-time.

Nonya Business
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

you're the a*****e. If you did his job you would demand a shower. so shut up and WAIT!

Deborah B
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is why humankind invented play pens. Regardless of husband's shower schedule, put the babies in a playpen with their toys, or put 1yo in a bouncer or walker, and have 3 watch cartoons. They can survive without being attached to you for half an hour while you make dinner. And why doesn't he just make it a quick scrub up and fresh clothes, without spending 50 min in the bathroom? ESH.

Mad McQueen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Here is an idea: prep dinner for the next day the night before. Then all you have to do is get it in the oven or put it on a burner to heat or cook so it's not too much time away from the kids. And you both can teach the kids to behave more as "messy eaters". Put mays under their chairs to help with the floor cleaning. He could give you 30 mins to set the food up from prep the night before to at least give them a little time before he clean up. Yeah my hubs takes an hour or more. Toilet. Tablet. Then change. Shower. Clean clothes. Sometimes it's around 45 min to 1 hr to hour an a half before he gets back to me. But I know I'll expect that and I PLAN AROUND IT. You could even prep dinner when the kids are napping or playing in their play pen with an eye on them. Sahm a working dads have their times with the kids too.

Anouk T
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They need to compromise. But also, she clearly has a schedule that is too strict with kids you need some flexibility. And I really can’t believe those kids always need exactly same bedtime and they need a bath everyday and can’t ever go to bed 20-30 mins later.

madbakes
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It really is best for kids to stick to a schedule, though they both have things they need to change.

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Mary Muir
Community Member
8 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Agree that husband needs and deserves his shower. But 50 minutes in the bathroom?? That's too long. I agree with Starsong Princess on this. Half an hour should be enough. But if he's not willing to do that, then move up meal time and feed the kids before he gets home. As soon as husband leaves the bathroom, whisk the kids into the bath, get them ready for bed. Ignore hubby. When he asks for dinner, say he has to wait, the kids need their time in the bathroom and they've been waiting on him to finish. By the time you're finished with the kids and go make his dinner (or reheat it), it will almost be his bedtime. And then maybe he will realize how his actions affect everyone else, and be willing to compromise.

Key Lime
Community Member
8 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He should quickly shower and change then take some time after he helps get the kids fed and to bed, for himself.

Key Lime
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's thr 25 mins on the toilet and then another 25 mins for a shower. That is a stretch. When my kids were young I was lucky to have 5 mins to myself EVER unless I was at work.

DrBronxx
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My impression is that the "YTA" people aren't parents. Also, 25 minutes on the toilet? See a doctor or don't bring your phone in there.

My O My
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If I, as a woman, can shower to sparkling cleaness after dairy farm work in under 10 minutes this father can too! Yes it's tough but bite through it for the five days a week and in two years things will be way easier. And most of all: talk to each other!

Carole Reid
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My Dad would have taken his shower no questions asked. She is trying to manipulate the entire situation.

MrsFettesVette
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Avoidant behavior. As soon as we were finished with dinner my dad would disappear into the bathroom so he didn't have to help clean up. My husband doesn't do it after dinner, but he also spends too much time in the bathroom, scrolling through Reddit on his phone, calls it "me time".

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Irene Bucior
Community Member
8 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

While cleaning up after breakfast, I would make part of dinner, i.e., salad, veggies side dish or a starch I could reheat in the microwave. Took 15 minutes tops. Then only needed to make the protein, steak, chicken, fish at dinner time. Chicken could stay warm in the oven no matter how you make it. Sometimes when kids napped I could make 20 meatballs, enough for two dinners. You’re making it hard on yourself and your husband.

Craig Reynolds
Community Member
8 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Let the man have his hour and she can adjust the way she does things. I cannot believe that in those 13 SAH hours, she find the time to meal prep or even fully prepare dinner that can just be warmed up later. Put the kids in front of a TV with cartoons on. Do they not take at least one nap during the day? If I was in sweaty clothes for 12 hours I would not want to wait, and I certainly would not want to touch anything, including the kids like that.

Brent Amador
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

YBTA neither of you understand that you both are working. He’s covered in sweat and whatnot, I assume you also get sweaty and covered in whatever your kids get on you. When do you get to take a shower? Im sure he doesn’t consider that. I would feed your kids before he gets home. There are plenty of fast(healthy) things they make for babies and kids now days.

Jude Laskowski
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Be grateful that hubs wants to be clean and presentable. Many ER nurses I've worked with also go home and walked directly into the shower and scrub the dirt, germs, blood, vomit, etc. off themselves while their scrubs are in the washer. I think OP needs better meal planning; maybe she can get someone to babysit a couple of hours a week so she can do meal prep or make a larger amount of something (spaghetti sauce, beef stew, lasagna, etc.) that can be reheated for other meals. Give the kids a healthy snack while dad's getting cleaned up so they can be under control.

Jake stenhouse
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I could hazard a guess as to why he’s spending so long in the shower but she’s not going to like it

Angela C
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As someone whose job gets them gross (food; I get sweaty and greasy and covered in raw chicken juice) 25 minutes to shower is not unreasonable at all. The 25 minutes of toilet time is a bigger issue. It shouldn't take that long. But the biggest issue is that this is a toxic situation all around. Both of them need to take each other's needs into consideration better.

Yin Lin
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

ESH. The guy should probably spend less time in the bathroom, but you’re refusing to let him take a shower at all after more than 12 hours working in filthy conditions? A*****e move. Find a way to compromise.

MR
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How on earth are you feeding these kids at breakfast and lunch? If you can't cook and/or clean without someone watching them, that seems problematic and one by now should have been solved. He definitely needs to cut that time in the bathroom. I get he needs some time to clean up and rest, but he also has two kids. That's life. Expecting him to hang around dirty because you haven't figured out a way to keep your kids occupied doesn't work. Nor does disappearing for an hour to clean up. Some semblance of balance must exist, but he does need to be allowed the time to clean.

Vladimíra Matejová
Community Member
8 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To not be able to cook and watch 2 todlers at the same time is totally reasonable. I only have one but the kid cannot be unsupervised with just tv or he would hurt himself ( constantly runs around climbs on sofa or table looks for things he could chew on etc) and he cannot be with me in the kitchen or he would cling to my legs and want to be held. I cannot imagine to have 2 of them like this. we do it this way: one of us cooks, the other plays with him. The food is prepared in the evening for the next 2-3days ( lunch). Other meals are quick and do not require cooking. So i say NTA and hubby should stop hiding in the bathroom. 10mins shower, 10mins max on the toilet then go help your wife for at least a few mins. You can relax when she is done cooking ( take a longer bath or whatever)

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Star Anäis
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Unreasonable woman. He's been up since 5am and spends 13 hours at work collecting germs, dust, grime. Personally, I would want him clean around the children and home, on top of care for his hygiene and comfort. She's at home all day. She could feed the kids early, prepare dinner early and warm it for 5mins at the stove when he arrives. Sounds selfish controlling to me. Showering is pleasurable and relaxing and can be a mental reset especially since he's been out on his feet half the day. I would let my man relax and have dinner ready when he gets out. She has the whole day at home.

Sue User
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

ESH. He is taking an hour to clean up. She is taking 2 hours to cook/ feed/ bathe kids. He could be quicker in shower, she could make meals the dont require " over the stove" time ( crock pot / instapot/ oven / microwave ).

Marnie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Someone suggested she just wait for him before making dinner. He comes home at 6:30, takes almost an hour in the shower, which brings us to 7:20. If she makes dinner then, the kids have maybe 10 minutes to eat and then straight to bed. You shouldn't eat right before bed. And also, that's way too late for little kids to have dinner. They have tiny stomachs and fast metabolisms. They need to eat more frequently. Also, 50 minutes is way too long to get cleaned up when he has two small children. Also, he and she are both working the same number of hours during the day. Why does she have to keep working when he gets home, but he doesn't?

Ima Manimal
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I seriously would NOT want to come home to that every day. She’s emasculating him and disrespecting him.

SlightlyTarnished
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Something doesn't add up. If, and it's a big IF, the husband sits on the toilet for 25min, he needs to see a doctor, this isn't normal and would likely have hemorrhoids like no other. Likely the wife may be exaggerating a bit time in the bathroom. Also, a 25min shower is a long shower, long enough to drain even a robust hot water heater. Something doesn't sound right with these timelines.

Miki
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She is 100 percent AH, but after he is done he should help her!!!

A girl
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Compromise on time. My construction worker husband was so dirty when he got home sometimes he'd undress in the garage and march up to the shower in tighty whities. He also refused to use portapoties so i can see the extra time. That being said, maybe quick shower, help SAHM, then power BR after. And fiber. My legs would fall asleep with rhat amount of throne time.

Amused panda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is unclear if OP even understands why he takes 25min showers (a quick shower could solve the a "sweaty mess" issue, he might feel the need for longer if he's dealing with aches/pains or using it as relaxation time). But 25min on the toilet indicates either he's an issue with his diet, which he might need to see a doctor about, or he's using it as reading time. Either way, 50 minutes in the bathroom when he gets home knowing two toddlers are left waiting for an evening meal is unreasonable. At the same time, whilst eating a meal as a family would be nice, it is not always practical - they could eat earlier than mom & dad. If she can't cook with them around, and can't distract them herself of an evening, meal prepping (which could be done when he's home to help), setting something in a slow-cooker earlier in the day, and/or reassessing what can be made without too much effort seems like obvious solutions so the kids can eat at a more reasonable time.

Rebel Peewee
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds like he can take a 10 min rinse (OP says he's not covered in grime, he's just sweaty) and malice get his bowels checked so he can take faster poops bc yikes. Spasms like he's straight up hiding from them. Also, she should invest in a kitchen helper stool and put toys or playdo on the counter for the kids. Kitchen helpers are *the cure* for whiny kids at your legs as you good. Or ask a neighbor preteen to watch them for an hour as you cook and pay them $5.

Yin Lin
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OP doesn’t know s**t about construction and apparently neither do you. He WILL be covered in grime, and he is NOT “just sweaty”.

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WonderWoman
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No one should be taking 25 min to poop and 25 min to shower. Do your business as expediently as possible and help with your children so you all can eat.

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