Relationships are complicated, but there are several things most couples need to maintain a healthy connection: communication, trust, respect, love, and for many of us, some form of intimacy. But physical intimacy is only welcomed when both parties are 100% on board.

After one man turned to Reddit to complain about his wife who refused to sleep with him, she decided to remind everyone that there are two sides to every story. Below, you’ll find the heartbreakingly honest rant that this frustrated woman shared, as well as some of the replies concerned readers left her, an update she later posted, and a conversation we were lucky enough to have with Relationship Coach and Marriage Mentor Katariina Räike. 

After refusing to sleep with her husband, this woman discovered that he had been going online to complain about her

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So she decided to write an open letter detailing her side of the story

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“For women, an experience of sexual intimacy is very much like the famous box of chocolates: You never know what you’re gonna get”

To gain more insight on what it takes to maintain a healthy marriage, we reached out to Marriage Mentor, Relationship Coach and CEO and Founder of Building Positive Relationships, Katariina Räike. Katariina was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda about this open letter that was shared on Reddit. “For women, an experience of sexual intimacy is very much like the famous box of chocolates: You never know what you’re gonna get,” she shared. 

“It varies from time to time, even with the same partner. The amount of physical and emotional arousal and the intensity and fulfillment level of the experience for women depends on several factors: the level of the emotional connectedness with the partner in that very moment, balance of multiple hormones, possible sleep deprivation, stress levels, the overall emotional balance, and several physical factors,” the expert explained, noting that the most important elements are the emotional ones. “It is obvious that the emotional connection with her partner was completely missing for the writer, and it had not been there for years.”

When it comes to how important physical intimacy is in a marriage, Katariina says that it’s completely up to the couple to decide on their own rules, but, “It is important that both are aware of their true hopes and desires and are completely transparent and honest.” A couple may need to ask one another questions such as, “How can we express appreciation for each other?” “How often would you like to have sex? This is how often would feel good for me.” “How can I say no thank you in a way that doesn’t feel bad for you?” “What could I do to inspire you to sexual intimacy? This is what would work for me.” “This is what makes me feel emotionally connected with you, how about you?”

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“Sexuality is seen to be a physical need, as well as an opportunity for emotional connection”

Katariina explains that physical intimacy in one form or another is typically part of any healthy marriage. “Sexuality is seen to be a physical need, as well as an opportunity for emotional connection. A good sex life can be one of the connecting pillars and strengths in a marriage, a true gift that keeps on giving!”

When it comes to why women decide to stay in marriages like this, where they’re feeling unappreciated and disappointed, Katariina says that, “Typically this is the case because it’s in our nature as human beings to feel afraid of the unknown. It’s easier to stay, even if it is not good, but it is something I know and am familiar with. Leaving can feel unsafe because of the uncertainty, especially for women. And especially on the emotional level. This is probably the case for this woman as well.”

But it’s natural for women to experience some level of ebb and flow in terms of how physically attracted they are to their partners. The marriage expert says it can be impacted by how connected we feel to our partners, how much love we feel for and from them, how healthy the relationship’s communication is at the time and more. But if you start to notice the spark in your relationship fading and notice that negative feelings towards your partner are creeping up more frequently, Katariina says to be aware that these things tend to escalate quickly. Check in with yourself, and remember that you’re responsible for your positive state and your communication.

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Concerned readers began pouring out their support for the woman, noting that she certainly deserves better

Some even shared similar personal experiences that they’ve had

“The only way to ensure you don’t find yourself in a situation like this is to build a positive foundation of friendship”

“If you find yourself withholding love and appreciation and not bringing in everyday kindness and physical closeness because you need him to do something first for him to deserve it, things are not looking good,” Katariina told Bored Panda. “Take responsibility for the state of your marriage and what you are bringing to it, and if you’re lacking the relationship skills to increase the understanding and connection, get some training!”

“The only way to ensure you don’t find yourself in a situation like this is to build a positive foundation of friendship, as well as good communication skills,” she explains. “When the ability to communicate is there and the willingness and desire to maintain a good emotional connection, things never get this out of hand. In the follow-up letter, she says her husband did not take any responsibility on his part even after seeing her letter, and that they’re now divorcing. Unfortunately, this is the solution very often. However we should be aware that the same patterns tend to get carried into the next relationship, and into the one after that, if we don’t learn to communicate.”

“When we’re able to purposefully cultivate good moods and find reasons to appreciate our life and our partner, we will automatically have a better marriage”

Katariina also warns couples to avoid simply reading tips online and watching YouTube tutorials. “You need professional support, find the best person for you and do what it takes to get started immediately. Together or alone, it does not matter. Just get started. This is the exact same advice I would have given this woman,” she shared. 

“Our emotional state plays a far more important role in our life experience than we often understand. When we’re able to purposefully cultivate good moods and find reasons to appreciate our life and our partner, we will automatically have a better marriage,” the marriage expert continued. “Plus it is a lot of fun! That’s what life is about, sharing the fun (and the box of chocolates) with your best friend, your partner.” If you’d like to learn more about Katariina or seek some wisdom from her on repairing your own relationship, be sure to visit her website right here.

We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas, and then if you’re interested in checking out another Bored Panda article discussing relationship conflicts, we recommend reading this piece next!

Later, the wife posted an update detailing her husband’s reaction to the initial rant

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Readers applauded the woman for her strength and her optimism about the future

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