Marriage should be an alliance of a lifetime between loving partners who support each other through thick and thin. This sort of rhetoric is echoed in the vows many couples make during their wedding. But humans are unfortunately no strangers to saying one thing and doing another.

A woman shared a heart-wrenching story of betrayal when she learned that her husband of six years had been cheating on her for months with her best friend. When turning off an alarm on her husband’s phone, she saw a text that led her to investigate the lies her partner and friend had been feeding her.

Finding out a long-term partner has not been faithful can flip a person’s whole life upside down

Image credits: drazenphoto (not the actual photo)

A woman discovered her husband of six years was having an affair with her best friend

Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)

Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Present-Hope4502

OP gave an update of how emotions a bit later and what she planned to do

She then detailed the final confrontation

Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Present-Hope4502

Cheaters give a number of excuses for why they betrayed another person’s trust

The “simple” explanation for why people cheat boils down to a lack of self-control and wanting more than they have. Lust is a cardinal sin for a reason, but many people might wonder why their long-term partners, who they think they know, give in to baser instincts so easily. The first explanation is that they don’t know them that well. People lie, manipulate and build a false impression of themselves. Digging deeper, there are other, emotional reasons why a person might decide to be unfaithful. This is a notoriously difficult topic to research, as most people aren’t exactly forthcoming with information about their infidelity, much less the reasoning behind it.

The research that has looked into this topic points to a variety of emotions. These include anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, as well as environmental factors like opportunity and circumstance. Generally, it’s a combination of them, as a desire without opportunity normally tends to not go anywhere. When interviewed, cheaters often justify their actions not due to an attachment for the new partner, but due to feeling a lack of affection in the first relationship. It is important to take these answers with a grain of salt, as the vast majority of people, faithful or not, still see cheating as something bad. Even in anonymous surveys, social desirability bias is still in play. The unfortunate truth is that we constantly want to look better to others than we really are.

Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)

It can be hard to understand why a person would throw away a relationship through dishonesty

This means that in most contentious topics, researchers have to be very careful to pick out real answers and people simply try to make themselves appear better. It’s easier to say that you cheated if you can blame your partner, instead of admitting to a lack of self-control. In a study conducted in the US, only half of the self-reported cheaters actually admitted to having sex with someone other than their partner. On average, women tend to have longer affairs, while men often cite revenge or an opportunity as their primary motivators, meaning they have no desire for a longer relationship. Interestingly, the majority of respondents that confessed did it to spite or hurt their partners, meaning it’s possibly less of a question of coming clean and more of inflicting more pain.

In the end, infidelity is ugly and hurtful in almost all situations. Yes, people have autonomy and consenting adults can make their own decisions, but the beauty of a marriage is that people decide, voluntarily, to give up certain freedoms. A commitment is only special if it costs you something. More often than not, it’s the lies that end up hurting more than the instances of cheating. OP documenting the entire saga is a good example of how to not lose your head in a horrible situation. Fortunately, she had access to legal assistance, family, and the element of surprise. Hopefully, she can make as good a life as she can after this situation, after cutting two manipulative liars out of her life.

Image credits: Ron Lach (not the actual photo)

Readers expressed their sympathy and disgust at the husband and friend

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