Yeah, we know a hospital isn't the most fun place to be in. The hallways are entrenched with that formaldehyde and cleaning product odor that's most likely to make you either sneeze or shiver from unpleasant memories. The silence here isn't as comfortable as that in a library but rather somewhat ominous and foreboding. And the nurses scuttling around in their soft-soled shoes, rushing to god knows where gives it a sense of dire urgency even though you might be there just for a measly blood test. And the doctors! Don't even get me started on them - they're the embodiment of an omnipresent power only carried by them and bad omens. However, there's one easy way to lighten up the atmosphere (yes, even at a hospital) and strip away the bad omens, I mean doctors, of their dark powers. I think you already know the answer, for it is, indeed, laughter. And what's a better combo than a good joke about the exact place you are in? Probably nothing, and if you're looking for comedic relief while waiting to drop off a stool sample, here's our list of the best hospital jokes ever!
Not only does the hospital entity get laughed at in these written skits, but there are plenty of doctor jokes, nurse jokes, and even patient jokes on our roster, too. And why not - laughing at a hospital in its entirety is excellent but quite unspecific, and we do aim at covering all the bases for possible laughs, as niche as they might be. So, are you ready to laugh your hospital gown off? Well then, scroll on down below and meet the contestants to become the best hospital joke ever. Who'll decide their fate? Well, you, of course, by giving these silly jokes your vote!
As a Canadian. Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian... I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
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Kanye West was hospitalized... Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.
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An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car. He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him. He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?" The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."
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Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero. I donate five kidneys to the hospital and I get arrested.
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I’m in the hospital. Everyone should know… The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.
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I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office.
“Can I help you?” He asked.
“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.
“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”
“Yeah, I know.”
He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”
“The light was on.”
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My son called me today, telling me he was in the hospital... I told him to stop letting me know. He’s been a doctor for 12 years.
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Oh my goodness. First my wife is in hospital, and now my daughter! Then again... I guess that's just how childbirth works.
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Doctor: "Your wife is in hospital!"
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Oh, you get used to that."
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A man was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses. His condition has been described as stable.
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Overheard this at the hospital:
Phlebotomist: "I’m here to draw some blood."
Patient: "But I just received blood yesterday."
Phlebotomist: "You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?"
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Person: "Sorry to bother you, but what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital?"
Stranger: "Oh, just go stand in the middle of the road."
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Where’s the worst place to hide in a hospital?
The ICU.
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A priest, rabbi, and minister all had to go to the hospital. Turns out, they got alcohol poisoning from going to the bar so much.
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What’s it called when a hospital runs out of maternity nurses?
A midwife crisis.
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What’s the most common type of surgery preformed at the Lego hospital?
Plastic surgery.
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Who is the nicest guy in the hospital?
The ultra-sound guy.
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My wife gave birth in our car on the way to the hospital. I named him Carson.
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Because of a clerical error at the hospital we named both of our twin boys William. They billed us twice.
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Proofreading an instruction manual for a hospital ventilator, I did a double take when I came across this questionable troubleshooting tip: "If the problem persists, replace patient immediately."
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An unconscious pizza maker was admitted to the hospital. They called him John Dough.
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Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
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All I wanted to do was donate organs, but the hospital were being awkward about it. They kept asking me where I got them and threatened to call the police.
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As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns… I knew the end was in sight.
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What is the price on a human life?
The hospital bill.
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A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He yelled, "Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!" The Doctor replies, “I know, I amputated your arms.”
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Three patients with bipolar disorder are talking in a mental hospital. The first, who's in a manic episode, starts talking about his quest to find God. The second, who's severely depressed, says they don't believe in God. The third, who's in a mixed episode, says, "That's ok, I don't believe in myself either."
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The actor refused to get his broken leg treated at the hospital… Claiming he was already a cast member.
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I got hospitalized for my SpongeBob addiction. They put me in the Squid ward.
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Chuck Norris donated his heart to a hospital… Twice.
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What Christmas song do they play at the mental hospital?
"Do you see what I see?"
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What did the bird to the hospital for?
For tweetment!
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Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?
The hip replacement guy.
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I work in a hospital and tonight a guy game in who blew off his finger with fireworks. He was happy with his service but only gave us a 9/10 rating.
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The local hospital hired a Roman nurse. Complications arose when the IV was issued to bed #4.
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Little girl at the hospital: “Nurse, you’ve been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?”
Nurse: “Nah, graveyards give me the creeps”
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A bingo caller has a ball fly up at his face... It goes right up his noise and gets stuck. He goes to the emergency room, the doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have a tumor". The bingo caller looks shocked and asks, "What's the good news?" The doctor responds, "The tumor is B9."
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When I was in 4th grade, we wrote letters to kids in the hospital. I wrote: "It is a bumpy road but soon it will be a straight path." Not many people know I was talking about their heart monitor.
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I accidentally drank from a jar of invisible ink. I’m currently at the hospital waiting to be seen.
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I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section. I had to climb out of the sunroof.
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What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It’s morphine time.
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What did the narcissist say after entering the hospital ER?
"You can all go home, I feel great!"
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It's tough being an antivaxxer at the hospital. They could all use some encouragement when staying positive.
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If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable... I would visit you every day in the hospital.
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A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus that is extremely contagious!” “Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, Doctor?” “Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.” “Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, “No… but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
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A patient is in hospital and the doctor tells him "We've had your test results back and I've bad news and very bad news" the patient replies "Oh no, best tell me please?" , "The bad news is you have about 24 hours to live" says the Doctor "The very bad news is I was supposed to tell you yesterday."
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One afternoon in the hospital operating room where I am a nurse, I heard one of our nurse anesthetists trying to put a patient to sleep. "Now I want you to breathe in and out," she intoned. "In and out, slowly in and out." The patient opened her eyes and said, "Is there any other way?"
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I was hospitalized with an awful sinus infection that caused the entire left side of my face to swell. On the third day, the nurse led me to believe that I was finally recovering when she announced excitedly, "Look, your wrinkles are coming back!"
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Why don’t mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
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"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
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My friend got in an accident and lost an arm and a leg. When he left the hospital he was all right.
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As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.”. “Has it got rubies and diamonds?” I asked. “No,” he said. “But it costs just as much.”
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A man enters the emergency room with a duck attached to his head. Everybody is astonished, people can’t believe what they are seeing. The doctor is amazed, after a few minutes the doctor asks "What happened here?"
"I don’t know", answers the duck. "Everything started with a bit of pain in my foot."
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Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.
"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.
"No," John whispered. "I quit."
"That's good. When did you quit?"
"Around 9:30 this morning."
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Why do hospitals have emergency generators?
It seems to me they have enough emergencies there to begin with.
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What’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello? One is an inhospitable desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.
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A man runs into a hospital in a frenzy yelling, “I’m shrinking! I’m shrinking!” A nurse approaches him and says, “Sir, you’re just going to have to be a little patient.”
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I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital. It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job.
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Visiting a friend at the hospital and I noticed that all the nurses had red crayons. Found out they need them to draw blood.
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The weatherman for our local TV channel broke both his arms and his legs in a car accident. He is calling in from the hospital with his four casts.
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Poor guy just left the hospital after having half his body amputated. It cost him an arm and a leg.
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My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time. He got a trophy.
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Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital?
"Not me. Christ that table saw was sharp."
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Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”
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What's the difference between working hard and working harder?
The emergency room.
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A hospital surgeon told his patient: "I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first? "The patient said, "Give me the bad news." The doctor said, " We are going to have to amputate both of your feet." The patient said, "Oh, that's terrible! What's the good news?" The doctor said, "The patient in next bed wants to buy your slippers."
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The contest was simple: Which department in the hospital where I worked as a nurse could create the best Christmas decorations? While they didn't win first prize, the members of the proctology department did receive high honors with their distinctive sign, "Christmas is a good time to look up old friends."
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What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?
My heartbeat.
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A skeleton walks into the hospital and said "Doctor, doctor I broke my leg." The doctor said "I see…"
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I just heard there’s a new Canadian strain of Covid. People are showing up to the hospital eh-symptomatic.
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At the maternity hospital, a doctor handed the husband the baby and said, “I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t make it.” The husband handed the baby back and said, “Well then, give me the one my wife did make!”
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A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
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My son asked me to take him to the hospital because he had a big red mark on his face. I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”
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I had two opposite opinions at my last hospital appointment. It was a pair o' docs.
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I visited my grandfather in hospital... He didn’t look well and had gone downhill from last time I saw him. He told me that he is now incontinent. I said "I know grandad, you are in Australia!"
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Why did the frog go to the hospital?
He needed a “hopperation!”
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A doctor is examining a woman in the Emergency Room.
The doctor takes the husband aside and says, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
“Me neither, Doc. But she’s a great cook and she is really good with the kids.”
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Why did Sherlock Holmes not want a second cup of tea in the emergency room?
Because it was More ER Tea.
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A man was recently admitted to the emergency room because of a tendency to talk with his hands too much. He was diagnosed with gesticular cancer.
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How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?
Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.
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Why’s it painful to have your attorney with you in the hospital?
The damages are severe.
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My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital.
“Two EMTs?” I asked her. “Don’t you mean a pair o’ medics?”
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What part of the hospital has the least privacy?
The ICU.
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Why was the DJ no longer allowed at the vegetable hospital?
He kept dropping sick beets.
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Why is the morgue the best place to work at a hospital?
They give you the coroner office.
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What’s it called when a hospital loses all of its Labor & Delivery nurses?
A mid-wife crisis.
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Did you hear about the guy who was rushed to hospital with a bayonet stuck in his chest?
He didn’t make it, unfortunately he was pronounced dead on a rifle.
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A man was driving his pregnant wife to the hospital to deliver their baby. The car got stuck in the mud. He said, “I guess one of us is gonna need to push.”
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The birthing wing at the hospital should really be called the emerge-ncy room.
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Where do sick groundhogs go?
To the hogspital.
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Where does a kangaroo go that can’t hop?
Hopspital.
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I had to take my son to the hospital after he swallowed ten quarters. He was rushed to surgery. After half an hour I saw a nurse so I asked her how he was. She said, “There’s no change yet.”
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Why does the infectious disease ward at the hospital have the fastest Wi-Fi?
Because it has all the hot spots.
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Why did the Mexican go to the Emergency Room (ER)?
Because of Hispanic attacks.
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Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus. In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already. Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti.
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Patient: "Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
Doctor: "To the morgue."
Patient: "But I’m not dead yet!"
Doctor: "And we’re not there yet…"
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My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?” I asked. “Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”
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I got kicked out of a hospital once, I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.
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Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.
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At the hospital I was admitted to, apple costs $2, pumpkin $3 and blueberry $4 per slice. Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.
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Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital. So I pushed her under a bus.
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I went to the hospital because I had a hard time opening a banana. I told the doctor I wasn’t peeling well.
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A friend of mine tore his tongue in two in a freak accident. I told him to get to the hospital lickety-split.
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A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger. Apparently he is now in a stable condition.
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Had to wait ages for my X-ray today at the hospital. There was only a skeleton staff working.
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Patient to Doctor: "Please help me! My pee is red!"
Doctor: "Urine danger!"
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I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.
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My father used to work as a hospital renovator. He found it very re-ward-ing.
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Did you hear about the guy who’s blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
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Did you hear about the dog that sat outside a hospital for an entire day?
It was a patient dog.
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Why did the dermatologist lose his position at the hospital?
He made too many rash decisions.
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How did the pig get to hospital?
In a ham-bulance.
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For those of you that don't already know, I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I have only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was a large spring onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring.
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What do you call a hospital who lists all their donor patients in alphabetical order?
Organ-Ized.
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A man was rushed in to hospital yesterday because he swallowed a five pound note. They are keeping him in for observation on his condition - but so far there has been no change!
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Why did Mr. Peanut go to the hospital?
Because he was a-salted.
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One day I saw my friend in a hospital bed. He told me to call 911. Instead I called his parents.
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A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
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They are keeping him in for observation on his condition, but so far there has been no change!
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My son swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital. When I asked how he was, the nurse said, “No change yet.”
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A mom gets a call from the hospital... She picks up the phone and says: "Hello, whose this?"
A doctor responds: "Hello Ma’am, I am calling from the emergency room."
Mom: "What? What’s happened?"
Doctor: "Well, I have some good, bad, and worse news."
Mom: "Ok, well tell me the good news first."
Doctor: "Well, your son is alive."
Mom: "Thank goodness! What happened?"
Doctor: "That’s the bad news. Your son has been in a car accident."
Mom: "Oh that’s terrible! What’s the worse news?"
Doctor: "The worse news is that I was lying about the good news."
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