Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

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Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

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I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

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It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

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Why does history keep repeating itself?

Because we weren’t listening the first time.

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Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744 at the age of 43.

Though his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.

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How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

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Last night on Dancing with the Tsars, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.

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My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

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On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call.

Moments later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.

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Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

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How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

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Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius.

Because I'm not dead.

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A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!”

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And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

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My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe.

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What do you call a Medieval spy?

Sir Veillance.

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A history degree is useless.

Because there's no future in it.

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The floor is lava!

Said everyone, Pompeii 79 A.D.

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Two wrongs don’t make a right.

But two Wrights did make an airplane!

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What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

The same middle name!

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What did Richard III say when a planning proposal was submitted for building a parking lot?

“Over my dead body”

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Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age...

Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves...

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What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?

Marco Polo.

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It's amazing that the ancient Greek sculptors made statues without arms.

I mean, how did they hold the tools?

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Before the Bronze Age...

People who came in third place were just called losers.

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A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian replies, “You’ll only lose it.”

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Why is England the wettest country?

Because the queen has reigned there for years!

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What is Abraham Lincolns least favorite phone box?

John Wilkes Booth.

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How do you get rich in Ancient Greece?

Well, step one, become an oracle.

Step two:

Prophet.

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To the many that have been ritually sacrificed by Aztec kings... My heart goes out to you.

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In a democracy, it's your vote that counts...

...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

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Haegel, Nietzsche and Aristotle walk into a bar...

Why?

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What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?

The Maskedonians.

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No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

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What’s the most popular kids’ movie in Ancient Greece?

Troy Story.

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What kind of tea did the American colonists want?

Liberty.

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Why didn't Isaac Newton dodge the apple?

He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

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What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?

I don't know, I wasn't invited!

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Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?

Laughayette.

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What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?

Hissssstory.

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What do French recruits learn in basic training?

How to surrender in 17 different languages.

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Why did Captain Cook sail to Australia?

It was too far to swim.

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I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person, all this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom!

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Why did Columbus cross the ocean?

To get to the other tide.

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What did the terminator say when he accidentally got sent back in time to the renaissance?

I'll be Bach.

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A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is...

These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their bum.

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What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-Apart!

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How do you contact the Roman Empire?

Pick up a phone and column.

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What did King George think of the American colonies?

He thought they were revolting.

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What was Camelot famous for?

It’s knight life.

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If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?

His family and Friends.

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What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?

A rockstar!

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Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?

Because he couldn’t lie.

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Where did Montezuma go to college?

Az Tech.

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Why didn't the crusades happen overseas?

Because you can't sail a holey ship.

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Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?

Because there were so many knights.

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How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?

Shocked.

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What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?

Floodlights!

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Why aren't you doing well in history?

Because the teacher keeps on asking about things that happened before I was born!

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What was the most popular dance in 1776?

Indepen-dance.

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Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?

He wanted to Mark Antony.

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Who was the biggest thief in history?

Atlas. He held up the whole world.

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I started studying art history.

I'm really learning a lot. This painter named 'Renaissance' is just amazing.

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Which Pharoah played the trumpet?

Tooting-khamun!

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How much oil did Christopher Columbus need to reach America?

3 Galleons.

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Can you conquer the largest continent on earth?

No, but Genghis Khan!

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Why did Napoleon conquer so much land?

Because he didn't have much Toulouse.

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What did the Greeks say after Constantinople was taken by the Turks?

What a load of Istanbull.

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After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name.

Unfortunately, Iran was already taken.

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How did the Vikings send secret messages?

By Norse code!

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What did Mason say to Dixon?

We’ve got to draw the line here!

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Why is history like a fruit cake?

It’s full of dates.

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How are the first Americans like ants?

They both live in colonies.

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What’s an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?

Pizza Tut!

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What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?

It can’t sit down.

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My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

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What do you call a businessman who lives within the Byzantine Empire?

A Byz-nessman.

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Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?

Julius Sneezer.

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Why did the Cold War end?

Global warming started.

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How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles?

Baroque.

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Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?

Yeah, it cracked me up too!

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Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day!

Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the schoolbus like everyone else!

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What did Americans do because of the Stamp Act?

They licked the British.

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Where do young Vikings hang out?

In the Norsery!

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What was the fruit that launched a thousand ships?

Melon of Troy.

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My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History.

The teachers tended to Babylon.

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A joke that only 1300's kids would get.

The Bubonic plague.

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What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

Plymouth Rock!

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What was the most popular band in prehistoric times?

Stone Age Temple Pilots.

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In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?

The battle of Portaloo.

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Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?

Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.

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Do you guys like Civil War jokes?

Because General-Lee I don't find them funny.

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Why was WWI so quick?

Because they were Russian.

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How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?

With hero-glyphics.

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Why was the pharaoh boastful?

Because he sphinx he’s the best!

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You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.

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Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?

At the bottom of his garden!

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