A Collection Of History Jokes That Never Go Out Of Date

history joke about the pyramids and british museum Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

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71points

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The Radio Demon 2 years ago

"Oi mate why can't we take the right old bugger out of here" "Because it's too heavy" "P!SS OFF MATE I DO WOT I WANT"

8points

somegirlwho 2 years ago

Well of course the British would want to take them. Egypt is in Africa, so Egyptians are obviously incapable of taking care of their art/artifacts/etc all by their primitive selves. I mean just look at how they erode and deteriorate a little more year after year sitting all out their alone in the sun day after day. The British are actually doing God's work by trying to take them. Egyptians should be trying to make them lighter to facilitate their preservation by the Brits. Egyptians are so ungrateful.

1point

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Buren 2 years ago

Wait, Sphinx is missing some part of the nose...

4points

Headless Roach 2 years ago

You're ok Buren? Haven't seen you since this post a week ago.

0points

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Neil Marsden 2 years ago

We couldn't build a building big enough to accommodate them all

0points

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Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

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60points

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ArodTheHorrible 2 years ago

This one is almost too sad to be funny... almost :D

13points

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I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

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59points

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SoapMonkey76 2 years ago

We do celebrate the 4th of July, it's just called 'Traitors day'

10points

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It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

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53points

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Rajnish Dadarwal 2 years ago

lol

11points

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history joke about history repeating itself Why does history keep repeating itself?

Because we weren’t listening the first time.

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46points

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ArodTheHorrible 2 years ago

History and parenting LOL

5points

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Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744 at the age of 43.

Though his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.

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45points

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Rajnish Dadarwal 2 years ago

Classics!

8points

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How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

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40points

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sofacushionfort 2 years ago

I’ve noticed it’s always Englishmen who make this joke.

10points

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Last night on Dancing with the Tsars, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.

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39points

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Katja Katze 2 years ago

Dmitri faked the whole performance! https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_Dmitry_I

3points

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My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

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38points

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Rajnish Dadarwal 2 years ago

Hehehee

6points

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#10

On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call.

Moments later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.

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36points

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Smiley_Cat 2 years ago

wait... Arod the Horrible didn't comment!?

4points

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#11

Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

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35points

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Pandaroo 2 years ago

I think you mean world history

10points

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#12

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

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34points

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ArodTheHorrible 2 years ago

I laughed too hard at this one. Still chuckling

5points

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#13

history joke about isaac newton Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius.

Because I'm not dead.

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33points

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Buren 2 years ago

It doesn't mean you have the upper hand though

8points

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#14

A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!”

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31points

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Rajnish Dadarwal 2 years ago

9points

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#15

history joke about the lord and john And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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30points

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Dragons Exist 2 years ago

YO WE GOT A TOASTER 🍞

5points

#16

My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

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30points

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Maggie 2 years ago

That's tricky. Very good.

3points

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#17

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe.

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28points

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Asher Tye 2 years ago

Or the best.

2points

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#18

What do you call a Medieval spy?

Sir Veillance.

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28points

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Pandaroo 2 years ago

Very chivalrous sounding

3points

#19

A history degree is useless.

Because there's no future in it.

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26points

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Rajnish Dadarwal 2 years ago

I see what you did there

3points

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#20

The floor is lava!

Said everyone, Pompeii 79 A.D.

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26points

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ArodTheHorrible 2 years ago

Burn! Oh, wait... now I mad myself sad

4points

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#21

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

But two Wrights did make an airplane!

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25points

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Frank Hayes 5 months ago

the wrights had previously visited Lyman Gilmore, hoping he could assist with their rudder issues. Gilmore HAD an airplane and was using it to make deliveries as far as 200 miles away. He wasn't interested in patenting his ideas so they did. 'first in flight' baloney! A man in France made the first fully functioning airplane YEARS before Lyman Gilmore built his.

1point

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#22

history joke about alexander the great What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

The same middle name!

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25points

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John Barber 2 years ago

Winnie the Poo

5points

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#23

What did Richard III say when a planning proposal was submitted for building a parking lot?

“Over my dead body”

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24points

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Rajnish Dadarwal 2 years ago

😶

2points

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#24

Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age...

Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves...

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22points

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Pandaroo 2 years ago

bzzzzzzt. bzzzzzzt.

2points

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#25

What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?

Marco Polo.

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21points

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#26

It's amazing that the ancient Greek sculptors made statues without arms.

I mean, how did they hold the tools?

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21points

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Norma Jean Morrissey 1 year ago

Funny!

0points

#27

history joke about the broze age Before the Bronze Age...

People who came in third place were just called losers.

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21points

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#28

A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian replies, “You’ll only lose it.”

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20points

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gerard julien 2 years ago (edited)

"If you repeat a lie often enough, people will believe it, and you will even come to believe it yourself. If you tell a lie long enough, it becomes the truth." Joseph GOEBBELS. Pathetic joke made by pathetic people.

4points

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#29

Why is England the wettest country?

Because the queen has reigned there for years!

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20points

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Rajnish Dadarwal 2 years ago

😳

4points

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#30

What is Abraham Lincolns least favorite phone box?

John Wilkes Booth.

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20points

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Hestia Moon 2 years ago

*incolherant screams*

3points

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#31

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece?

Well, step one, become an oracle.

Step two:

Prophet.

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20points

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Rajnish Dadarwal 2 years ago

Step 3 and the most Important: Always say in the kings favour 😬

6points

#32

history joke about aztecs To the many that have been ritually sacrificed by Aztec kings... My heart goes out to you.

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20points

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Natalia Larkin 1 year ago

Too soon, bruh

1point

#33

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts...

...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

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20points

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#34

Haegel, Nietzsche and Aristotle walk into a bar...

Why?

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20points

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badger 2 years ago

why Kant they?

16points

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#35

What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?

The Maskedonians.

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20points

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#36

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

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19points

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#37

What’s the most popular kids’ movie in Ancient Greece?

Troy Story.

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18points

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#38

history joke about american colonists What kind of tea did the American colonists want?

Liberty.

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18points

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Rachel Ainsworth 2 years ago

Liver-tea *yuck*

8points

#39

Why didn't Isaac Newton dodge the apple?

He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

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18points

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Gillian Gray 1 year ago

Booo 😂🤣

1point

#40

What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?

I don't know, I wasn't invited!

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18points

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#41

Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?

Laughayette.

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17points

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#42

history joke about history What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?

Hissssstory.

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16points

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Norma Jean Morrissey 1 year ago

That is my favorite too!

0points

#43

What do French recruits learn in basic training?

How to surrender in 17 different languages.

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16points

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John Barber 2 years ago

😂😂😂😂😂TESTIFY!!!!!!

2points

#44

Why did Captain Cook sail to Australia?

It was too far to swim.

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16points

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#45

I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person, all this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

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16points

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Norma Jean Morrissey 1 year ago

Cute! Did the scientist, Dr. Harvey, ever return the brain to his family, after he studied it?

0points

#46

history joke about the declaration of independence Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom!

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15points

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#47

Why did Columbus cross the ocean?

To get to the other tide.

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15points

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Hestia Moon 2 years ago

“To get to the culture he would diminish and kill 90% of” would be a better punchline

4points

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#48

What did the terminator say when he accidentally got sent back in time to the renaissance?

I'll be Bach.

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15points

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RafCo (he/him) 2 years ago

Then he would be nearly 150 years early, as Bach lived from the late 17th to mid 18th centuries. And the Renaissance really covers 14th to the 16th centuries. Maybe go back to the Enlightenment. Also, what happened to his Bach? It got baroque.

3points

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#49

A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is...

These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their bum.

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15points

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#50

What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-Apart!

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15points

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John Barber 2 years ago

*Blown apart.

3points

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#51

How do you contact the Roman Empire?

Pick up a phone and column.

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15points

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#52

What did King George think of the American colonies?

He thought they were revolting.

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14points

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le_smol_froge 2 years ago

Haha

2points

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#53

What was Camelot famous for?

It’s knight life.

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14points

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Lace Neil 2 years ago

It's only a model.

2points

#54

history joke about atlas If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?

His family and Friends.

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14points

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Rajnish Dadarwal 2 years ago

lol

1point

#55

What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?

A rockstar!

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14points

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Thomas Bentley 10 months ago

If they were off balance they would be a rolling stone.

0points

#56

history joke about george washington Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?

Because he couldn’t lie.

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13points

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#57

Where did Montezuma go to college?

Az Tech.

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13points

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#58

Why didn't the crusades happen overseas?

Because you can't sail a holey ship.

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13points

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#59

Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?

Because there were so many knights.

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12points

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#60

How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?

Shocked.

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12points

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John Barber 2 years ago

He probably didn't feel anything, because he was constantly drunk.

2points

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#61

What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?

Floodlights!

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12points

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J Roberts 2 years ago

For late night ark welding

6points

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#62

Why aren't you doing well in history?

Because the teacher keeps on asking about things that happened before I was born!

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12points

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#63

history joke about 1776 What was the most popular dance in 1776?

Indepen-dance.

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12points

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#64

history joke about julius caesar Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?

He wanted to Mark Antony.

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12points

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#65

Who was the biggest thief in history?

Atlas. He held up the whole world.

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12points

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#66

I started studying art history.

I'm really learning a lot. This painter named 'Renaissance' is just amazing.

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12points

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#67

Which Pharoah played the trumpet?

Tooting-khamun!

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12points

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Rajnish Dadarwal 2 years ago

Lmao

1point

#68

How much oil did Christopher Columbus need to reach America?

3 Galleons.

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12points

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#69

Can you conquer the largest continent on earth?

No, but Genghis Khan!

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12points

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#70

Why did Napoleon conquer so much land?

Because he didn't have much Toulouse.

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12points

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#71

What did the Greeks say after Constantinople was taken by the Turks?

What a load of Istanbull.

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12points

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#72

After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name.

Unfortunately, Iran was already taken.

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12points

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John Barber 2 years ago

For sale: 50,000 WW2 French Army rifles. Never fired, only dropped once. Best offer.

2points

#73

history joke about the vikings How did the Vikings send secret messages?

By Norse code!

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11points

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Norma Jean Morrissey 1 year ago

That’s funny!

1point

#74

What did Mason say to Dixon?

We’ve got to draw the line here!

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11points

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#75

Why is history like a fruit cake?

It’s full of dates.

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11points

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#76

How are the first Americans like ants?

They both live in colonies.

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11points

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#77

What’s an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?

Pizza Tut!

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11points

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#78

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?

It can’t sit down.

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11points

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#79

history pun My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

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11points

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#80

What do you call a businessman who lives within the Byzantine Empire?

A Byz-nessman.

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11points

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#81

history joke about julius ceasar Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?

Julius Sneezer.

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11points

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#82

history joke about the cold war Why did the Cold War end?

Global warming started.

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11points

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#83

How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles?

Baroque.

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10points

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Norma Jean Morrissey 1 year ago

Mostly, the French peasants. We’re broke!

0points

#84

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?

Yeah, it cracked me up too!

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10points

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#85

history joke about abrahan lincoln Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day!

Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the schoolbus like everyone else!

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10points

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#86

What did Americans do because of the Stamp Act?

They licked the British.

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10points

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#87

Where do young Vikings hang out?

In the Norsery!

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10points

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#88

What was the fruit that launched a thousand ships?

Melon of Troy.

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10points

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#89

My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History.

The teachers tended to Babylon.

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10points

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#90

A joke that only 1300's kids would get.

The Bubonic plague.

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10points

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Norma Jean Morrissey 1 year ago

Again, a mass tragedy. Not funny!!!

0points

#91

history joke about about piligrims What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

Plymouth Rock!

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9points

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#92

What was the most popular band in prehistoric times?

Stone Age Temple Pilots.

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9points

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#93

In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?

The battle of Portaloo.

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9points

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#94

Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?

Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.

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9points

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#95

Do you guys like Civil War jokes?

Because General-Lee I don't find them funny.

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9points

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Norma Jean Morrissey 1 year ago

Heard this before. Again, not at all funny!

1point

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#96

Why was WWI so quick?

Because they were Russian.

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8points

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#97

How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?

With hero-glyphics.

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8points

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#98

Why was the pharaoh boastful?

Because he sphinx he’s the best!

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8points

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#99

history joke about railroads You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.

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8points

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Norma Jean Morrissey 1 year ago

Just plain stupid! There are many, many things to poke fun or laugh about. Wars and human tragedy, and great personal efforts that results are not amongst them!

0points

#100

Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?

At the bottom of his garden!

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