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You know that feeling when you’re having a heated conversation, and you want so badly to come up with the perfect response, but your mouth just can’t seem to form the words? Your brain glitches for only a second, and suddenly you’ve missed your golden opportunity to craft the perfect insult or comeback because the moment has passed. Well, if you’d like to be prepared for the next time that opportunity arises, pandas, we might have the perfect article for you.   

If you’re not familiar already, allow us to introduce you to the Rare Threats subreddit. This intimidating group is dedicated to sharing the most creative and brilliant threats the internet has ever seen, and you just might want to keep some of them in your back pocket for the next time you find yourself in a heated argument. From oddly specific to frighteningly ominous threats, this subreddit has it all, so enjoy scrolling through this list and be sure to upvote any rare threats you plan on utilizing in the future! And you better read them all, or I’ll hide all of your fruit in the oven and you won’t know until you preheat it for dinner then open it up to find blackened apples and bananas.

#1

Found On R/Skyrimmods. Op Got Flamed For Asking A Basic (But Genuine) Question

Found On R/Skyrimmods. Op Got Flamed For Asking A Basic (But Genuine) Question

not_mel_torme Report

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    The Rare Threats subreddit has been around since January 26, 2019, and it has already amassed an impressive 60k members, likely through its expert use of intimidation. This isn’t the first time we’ve featured the Rare Threats subreddit at Bored Panda, though. And lucky for us, the last time we covered the group, about four months ago, my colleague Jonas was able to get in touch with one of the sub’s moderators, Left4pillz.

    Left4pillz was kind enough to provide some insight into how the group formed and what it has been like running it. Apparently, the post that started it all was a man’s bizarre threat to continue taping fish onto out-of-order ATMs until they were fixed. You can find that full post right here. That inspired the mods to create Rare Threats, and the group has only been growing ever since. 

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    #5

    🕳

    🕳

    SAR_and_Shitposts Report

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    Alex and definitely not Sauron
    Community Member
    1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That is exactly why we commit war crimes, or maybe start a war and begin using your powers as the dark lord while looking for a piece of jewellery

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    We also previously asked moderator Left4pillz about the challenges of managing the Rare Threats community, and they shared that the biggest difficulty is simply having enough time for the subreddit. "Between my job as a cycle courier, and the hobby of porting and recreating older video game maps for Pavlov VR, I don't really have much time to spend moderating here,” they told Bored Panda. “Thankfully, the report system makes it easy enough to see the posts that break the rules more easily without having to spend tons of time looking at every post.”

    Left4pillz also shared what they personally believe makes for the best rare threats. They noted that creativity and brevity are always key, urging threat artists to avoid “[going] on for paragraphs.” Incorporating humor is also a plus, they added!

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    #8

    There Is No Worse Sin

    There Is No Worse Sin

    A_Salty_Cellist Report

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    #9

    Tortilla Chip

    Tortilla Chip

    Nonkel_Jef Report

    "Generally the best posts are threats/warnings that are found naturally, rather than ones made specifically for the sub,” Left4pillz previously told Bored Panda. “And in my opinion, the real best of the best ones are found in real life as they're typically much rarer, like these two," the mod said, referring to these hilariously threatening signs right here and here. And while it may be hard to spot rare threats such as these in real life, it seems to become easier and easier to find them online nowadays, considering that they can be found on any social media site and even other places online. And I have to admit, I’m extremely thankful for the unlimited content the sub has now. Although, I might be a bit frightened if I heard any of these threats directed at me…

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    #10

    Organic Carrot

    Organic Carrot

    theDogofDeath Report

    #11

    Cheese?

    Cheese?

    Penna_23 Report

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    Hugh Cookson
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    No, a better way - which I did many, many years ago to an inconsiderate arsehole of a neighbour - is to buy a kipper or smoked mackerel and rub it through their air inlet grilles on the car ; it takes about a minute and the smell lasts forever, especially when its hot .... If you really want to ruin someone's car and life do this with Surstromming .... look it up, nasty, nasty stuff but surprisingly tasty with pickles and black bread !!

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    As with anything in life, threats are more fun when executed with a bit of creativity and eloquence. Gone are the days of ending a threat with an ominous, “Or else…” We have evolved, and now we know that it might be even more effective to threaten to make someone’s skin vanish or to utilize very realistic fears like choking on a tortilla chip or getting shampoo in your eye. But while the Rare Threats subreddit may be only 4 years old, the act of using rare threats actually goes much further back. We can credit some of the best rare threats to the man who was a brilliant writer of comedies, tragedies and insults: Shakespeare.   

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    #13

    No Amount Of Dietary Fiber Could Make That Easy

    No Amount Of Dietary Fiber Could Make That Easy

    Rogueshoten Report

    Shakespeare might be better known for his insults, such as, “Away, you starvelling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish!” But he was also a master of the rare threat. For example, “By this hand, I will supplant some of your teeth.” And, “I will deal in poison with thee, or in bastinado, or in steel. I will bandy with thee in faction; I will o’er-run thee with policy; I will kill thee a hundred and fifty ways.” They may be mouthfulls, but they’re certainly effective. Some of my other personal favorites are, “Your hearts I’ll stamp out with my horse’s heels and make a quagmire of your mingled brains.” And, “I will beat thee into handsomeness.” And finally, “I’ll spurn thine eyes like balls before me! I’ll unhair thy head! Thou shalt be whipped with wire and stewed in brine, smarting in lingering pickle!”

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    #18

    “You Put A Block Of Cream Cheese In A Casserole Dish, I’ll Put One On Your F***ng Tombstone”

    “You Put A Block Of Cream Cheese In A Casserole Dish, I’ll Put One On Your F***ng Tombstone”

    CoodereRainy Report

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    Stephanie Did It
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh wow this is so easy, this is gonna be so good y'all, you start with 2 sticks of butter and this block of cream cheese, you're gonna love it!

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    One famous character of Shakespeare’s who was a master of the rare threat was Prospero in The Tempest. One threat he gives Ariel, a spirit servant of Prospero’s, is, “If thou more murmur’st, I will rend an oak and peg thee in his knotty entrails till thou hast howled away twelve winters.” Prospero also threatens Caliban, his slave, with, “If thou neglect’st or dost unwillingly what I command, I’ll rack thee with old cramps, fill all thy bones with aches, make thee roar that beasts shall tremble at thy din.” 

    And finally, Prospero threatens Ferdinand, his soon-to-be son-in-law that if he sleeps with his daughter before the wedding, “No sweet aspersion shall the heavens let fall to make this contract grow, but barren hate, sour-eyed disdain, and discord shall bestrew the union of your bed with weeds so loathly that you shall hate it both.”

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    #19

    I Don’t Know A Title

    I Don’t Know A Title

    Bee_Pin Report

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    waddles
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    when i was eight i spilled glitter. i still found glitter everywhere months later when i had MOVED TO A NEW HOUSE

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    #21

    He Is Truly In Danger

    He Is Truly In Danger

    TheSteveBeans Report

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    VidGam4
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Lemme just say that, as an orchestra kid, that part at least is definitely true

    crowspectre (he/they)
    Community Member
    1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm a choir and band kid and I'm an introvert who's embarras3d to sing alone and also incredibly cool

    Angie Chiyoko ( She/they)
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I saw this and I knew you'd have to comment and you'd find this amusing. I was waiting for this. But yeah, choir kids being extroverts is a lie.

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    Autumn
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Pardon me sir? We’re not cool? I will bring my supersonic silver pipe down on the back of your neck, kick your shins, and play super C in your ear. Goood luck with the pain.

    laura lee
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Choir contralto and cellist here, I will sing loudly a song about murdering you

    Appalachian Panda
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Band kids are actually pretty cool. Smart, motivated, more likely to do well in school and go on to college. Conversely, the kids who think they're cool are usually jerks.

    Laura Williams
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Wow he had some interesting opinions about band kids but at least the band kids have a skill worth mentioning.

    A Wild Bean
    Community Member
    1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    In my experience, band is a weird mix of cool kids, socially awkward gremlins, and at least four instrument-based rivalries

    Ponyo (they/them)
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    ok but my friend lived in a small town with only one high school and coincidentally the nerds completely outnumbered jocks and “popular kids”. so it was actually like this there and i resent my own mind everyday for not transferring there

    Artpanda_5sos
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I take offense that art wasn't included. Though most of us are probably the quiet kids sitting in the corner and watching choir, band, and orchestra battle out who is the coolest.

    Okatango
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Doesn't the military always have bands serenading them on their way to kill people and die?

    GayBoi
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Me, in choir, being extremely introverted: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA lies.

    Kim Kermes
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Former and current military band members and I beg to differ. We are the cool kids and have the military training to back it up.

    Melody
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "The choir people are the extroverts that sing in the hallways in school." Yeah, that was just me (except for the extrovert part; I consider myself an ambivert). The other choir kids didn't sing in the hallways. XD

    Jilltdcatlady
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I Knew the band/ orchestra classes had their own wing of the school. Way, way at the end of that hall. No witnesses, no crimes.

    ThatOnePortobelloMushroom
    Community Member
    1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    For us chorus is people who don’t want to commit, or people who like singing but was deeply disappointed Orchestra is for the tryhards or the people who parents make them take RSM Band (me) kids who hate signing but don’t want to commit

    Thomas Bentley
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    there would be a world coalition that has to be formed to protect you from one with rage akin to SCP- 096, cause akin to John Wick, and the rest of the world supporting them like russia supported trump.

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    Obviously, on paper, threatening others is not really a great skill to have. But when it’s done in a comedic way by someone who does not actually have any harmful intent, threats can be enjoyed like clever jokes or even poetry. And if you’re interested in crafting some of your own rare threats, it might be best to think about niche fears that your target has. If your roommates keep stealing your food, perhaps you can put a label on your products threatening to put anything they steal in their beds or write, “If you eat this without asking me, I will tell the cute barista that you like that you got arrested for stealing donuts from the grocery store.” Something along those lines, feel free to get creative. 

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    #22

    Gummy Bears

    Gummy Bears

    Weegee_1 Report

    #23

    Salting Someone's Liver

    Salting Someone's Liver

    Nomad_BO4 Report

    While rare threats can be found anywhere, there are some brilliant ones that have been featured in films. In They Live, John Nada utters the famous line, “Put on those glasses or start eating that trash can.” In Anchorman, Ron Burgundy states the threat, “I’m going to punch you in the ovary. That’s what I’m going to do. Straight shot. Right to the baby maker.” And in Gangs of New York, Daniel Day Lewis, as Bill “The Butcher” Cutting, threatens, “You see this knife? I’m going to teach you to speak English with this f****** knife!”

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    Are you feeling like you’ve mastered the art of rare threats, pandas? Whether or not you plan to utilize any of these in the future, we hope you’ve enjoyed scrolling through them and learning just how creative people can get with threats. Threatening is an art form, really. Keep upvoting your favorites, and feel free to let us know your best rare threats in the comments below. Then, if you’re interested in checking out even more threat inspiration, you can find Bored Panda’s last article featuring this intimidating subreddit right here

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    #33

    The People I Have To Deal With (Jk I Love Them)

    The People I Have To Deal With (Jk I Love Them)

    I_Eat_Clothes Report

    #34

    Here's A Threat That Doesn't Involve Kneecaps

    Here's A Threat That Doesn't Involve Kneecaps

    wawreeuh Report

    #35

    Oh- Oh My

    Oh- Oh My

    Lazy-Drink-277 Report

    #38

    Mmm Gas

    Mmm Gas

    Digi_girl_ Report

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    The Original Bruno
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And I'm gonna leave your front door ajar, so every time the wind blows your security system starts beeping like crazy.

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    #39

    I Found This In R/Teenagers

    I Found This In R/Teenagers

    TallCryptographer394 Report

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    666Slay.Com
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh I love radium! Now hand it over so I can sit and let my mouth cave in over a sharp 8 month period of suffering leading to death

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    #40

    An Interesting Title

    An Interesting Title

    AcejokerUP415 Report

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    SheamusFanFrom1987
    Community Member
    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Note to self: Pick up goat's blood, lizard eyes, nightshade and a Goodyear for the next summoning ritual XP

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    #42

    A Short But Rare Threat

    A Short But Rare Threat

    SamsungSmortFridge Report

    #44

    Found On The Oatmeal. About “Gif”… You Know What Happened

    Found On The Oatmeal. About “Gif”… You Know What Happened

    Severe-Flower2344 Report

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    #48

    Hee Ho!

    Hee Ho!

    SomeRobot141 Report

    #51

    Thorax Arson

    Thorax Arson

    CyprusTheSergal Report

    #53

    (Context Break My Face Is A Song And I Insulted A Different Song)

    (Context Break My Face Is A Song And I Insulted A Different Song)

    reddit.com Report

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