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40 Hilarious Quotes From The Most Famous People

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Usually, in a group of friends, there is a long list of inside jokes, sayings, and remarks. They are often the funniest words and expressions you’ve ever heard that make you chuckle every time. But there are also times when people who are known on a wider scale—celebrities—produce some hilarious quotes that make you roll with laughter.

From cute (and sometimes mischievous) jokes from the wonderful Betty White to light-hearted, positive, and funny lines about life from Stephen Hawking. There are plenty of fun quotes to discover. These funny sayings reflect the brighter side of life, turning hardships into comedy or just talking about seemingly mundane secrets behind their success.

So dive into this wonderful collection of funny quotes and sayings and add them to your daily repertoire of laughter. Vote for your favorites, as well as share the good vibes of the hilarious quotes with friends and family.

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#1

“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
—Betty White

410points

Ryan Deschanel 2 years ago

She is great, she is lovely.

88points

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#2

“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton

332points

Stephanie Did It 2 years ago

Looks AND Brains!

81points

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#3

“The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.”
― Stephen Hawking

331points

Snorkeldorf 2 years ago

Brilliant man with a wonderful sense of humor.

93points

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#4

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”– Jim Carey

284points

R Carson 2 years ago

No doubt.

48points

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#5

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
— Tom Clancy

280points

May 2 years ago

"Truth is stranger than fiction" - Lord Byron

68points

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#6

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
—Jack Handey

272points

Henry Russell 2 years ago

i have heard this quote before and it is so funny

41points

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#7

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein

263points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

Foshizzle, Dude!

31points

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#8

When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Surely nothing could be that funny.”

253points

R Carson 2 years ago

HA!

35points

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#9

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” —Jack Whitehall

244points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

Jack Whitehall is so utterly adorable!

43points

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#10

“This book was written using 100% recycled words.”
― Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters

239points

Miriam L 2 years ago

GNU Sir Pratchett

34points

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#11

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

232points

Stephanie Did It 2 years ago

Also take a road trip or go camping

63points

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#12

“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.”
― Michelle Obama

225points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

I know it’s never going to happen, but I would love, love, love to have Michelle Obama run for President!

122points

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#13

"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him."
— Oscar Wilde

219points

Caro Caro 2 years ago

I could embroider this on a little pillow slip and gift it to my hubby :D

38points

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#14

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” ― Bob Hope

214points

Mazer 2 years ago

Government sanctioned criminals

20points

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#15

“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting.“– Mark Twain

206points

Softball05 2 years ago

My nine-year- old eavesdropping self agrees.

35points

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#16

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov

205points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

FUN FACT: Isaac Asimov is the only person who has authored a book in each major category of the Dewey Decimal System

98points

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#17

“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.“ — Greg Tamblyn

204points

Henry Russell 2 years ago

true

23points

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#18

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”— Winnie the Pooh

201points

Piet Puk 2 years ago

'Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you are done.' Steve Martin

84points

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#19

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

195points

Ryan Deschanel 2 years ago

And books don't poop.

26points

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#20

“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
— Stephen Hawking

193points

Chicago Dog Lover 2 years ago

Well, lots of people say, "God will protect me (like from COVID)." To those who believe in God: He/She/They/It gave you a brain and expects you to use it to help protect yourself!

92points

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#21

"The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."— Terry Pratchett

183points

Mimi La Souris 2 years ago (edited)

Mr. Pratchett, i love you forever

39points

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#22

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
—Graham Norton

183points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

Graham Norton is THE BEST! I’m still working on my Big Red Chair story that I’ll never be able to tell because I no longer have enough money to travel abroad. Should the magic genie show up, I want to be ready!

31points

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#23

"When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative."
― Chris Rock.

178points

Stephanie Did It 2 years ago

Wow. I'm my own spin doctor!

13points

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#24

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
― Steven Wright

175points

Henry Russell 2 years ago

my new excuse

29points

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#25

“I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams

173points

Wondering Alice 2 years ago

One of my favorite thing about working with kids - every year you get a fresh crowd who you get to introduce to Douglas Adams.

4points

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#26

“Life isn't a fairy tale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.”
― Darynda Jones

168points

Henry Russell 2 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

11points

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#27

“Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” —Anonymous

167points

Bran Dragon 2 years ago

Anonymous sure is famous ;)

44points

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#28

“I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.’”
— Sheila Lee

157points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

I don’t know who this Shiela Lee is, but she’s a hoot!

17points

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#29

“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone

154points

Mimi La Souris 2 years ago

correct :D

13points

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#30

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
— Steve Martin

149points

Ace b 2 years ago

Or the apocalypse

16points

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#31

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”—Oscar Wilde

149points

Caro Caro 2 years ago

When they're picking a fight you could say "I love you" and see what happens. I guess they'll explode because it infuriates them, so it's a win win.

30points

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#32

“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.”
—Zach Galifianakis

148points

Priscilla Reshell 2 years ago

That's true lol

18points

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#33

”Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”— Doug Larson

147points

Grant Barke 2 years ago

And frogs.

35points

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#34

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.“ — George Burns

136points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

I miss George Burns! Old bastard up and died...what was he thinking?

36points

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#35

"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
― Stephen Fry

135points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

YEP! Yep yep yep yep yep yep yep!

21points

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#36

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
—Joan Rivers

130points

Mimi La Souris 2 years ago

this woman was very funny, too bad that we remember her more for these operations than for her mind

17points

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#37

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” —George Carlin

129points

Snorkeldorf 2 years ago (edited)

My favorite George Carlin quote based on anything and everything that came out in the news. This just in. Scientists have discovered: "Saliva causes cancer, but only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.". And, yes, I am a cancer survivor.

45points

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#38

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
—Noel Coward

126points

Sandy Kavanaugh 2 years ago

And on a short pier!

34points

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#39

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
—Steven Wright

124points

Judah Phelps 2 years ago

Yup.

9points

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#40

"Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” — Tina Fey

103points

Kirsten Kerkhof 2 years ago

I always tell my dancers that the top dancers are basically 50% skill and 50% stage presence. Yes, they are good dancers, but they are even better at selling the idea why they are good dancers.

29points

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#41

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron

42points

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#42

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’" —Conan O’Brien

39points

Henry Russell 2 years ago

like so duh

5points

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#43

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”– David Lee Roth

39points

Snorkeldorf 2 years ago (edited)

Or the old one.....I used to snort coke but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose. - author unknown.

12points

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#44

"The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided."– Casey Stengel

39points

Mtownmick 2 years ago

This needs to be higher.

4points

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#45

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez

38points

Caro Caro 2 years ago

You can't get cats to do anything. They, on the other hand, can get us humans to do stuff. We are their servants (or doorman as I call it....).

8points

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#46

“If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” —Judith Martin

36points

Nasta Klein 2 years ago

Someone showing you it's bad art piece : Howww, that's very *interesting/funny/original/unique* pick one and smile.

2points

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#47

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

35points

Tim Douglass 2 years ago

As someone who will, and has, literally crossed the street for the opportunity to speak in public this statistic is one I have a hard time identifying with. Give me a topic and a podium and I'm on it!

0points

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#48

“When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.'”— Yogi Berra

34points

Miss Frankfurter 2 years ago

Also said, in giving directions to a friend coming to his house "When you get to a fork in the road, take it".

2points

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#49

“I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.’”
— Larry Timmons

34points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

So GOOD!!!

2points

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#50

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller

34points

Dave Sturtz 2 years ago

My Dad said he wanted us kids to have things he never had as a kid, like straight A's on our report cards.

15points

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#51

“I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.’”
— Noelle Chatham

33points

#52

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
— Flip Wilson

33points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

I loved Flip Wilson...his delivery was always perfect!

3points

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#53

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
― Douglas Adams

33points

Gerard Neaux 2 years ago

Which swallow, the European one?

1point

#54

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates

33points

Saucy Aussie 2 years ago

A rare self burn

5points

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#55

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
—Robin Williams

32points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

I miss Robin!

8points

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#56

“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”
— Anonymous

31points

Red 2 years ago

Anonymous sure is famous. They're everywhere.

18points

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#57

“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.”– Mark Russell

31points

Mimi La Souris 2 years ago

never heard before, my new belief :D

4points

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#58

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball

30points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

I ♥️ Lucy

2points

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#59

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns

30points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

That can happen before you turn 80...ask me how I know!

1point

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#60

“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown

30points

Gerard Neaux 2 years ago (edited)

Unrelatable.

1point

#61

“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
—Groucho Marx

30points

Caro Caro 2 years ago

Ouch.

2points

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#62

“It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” —B. Birdsong

30points

David deVaull 2 years ago

Or in charge, e.g. "managing"

1point

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#63

“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”
—Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors

30points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

And then she did...

0points

#64

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone."
— Reba McEntire

30points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

Nailed it!

4points

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#65

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
— Tommy Cooper

30points

Donnie Mc00 2 years ago

One of the all time greats!

2points

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#66

”Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”— Billy Sunday

30points

UpQuarkDownQuark 2 years ago

And being a Christian doesn’t make you a good person.

17points

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#67

"My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I don't know how much she charges him though."― Emo Phillips

30points

Saimonas Lukošius

Caro Caro 2 years ago

Haaahaha this one is brilliant.

5points

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#68

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers."
—Matt Groening

29points

Ben Smith 2 years ago

I mean, technically Homer Simpson said that quote

7points

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#69

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
— George Gobel

29points

Miss Frankfurter 2 years ago

Under appreciated.

3points

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#70

”Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.”
— J. Paul Getty

29points

Ryan Deschanel 2 years ago

And be born in the right neighborhood.

5points

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#71

“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.“ — Helen Rowland

29points

Caro Caro 2 years ago

“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.“ :D

8points

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#72

“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”
—Anonymous

28points

JuJu 2 years ago

And it gets romantic when you do it with your partner "Honey, you get the milk and I will chose a few veggies and then we'll met at the wine."

6points

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#73

“If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.”– Muhammad Ali

28points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

I miss Muhammad Ali! He was the only boxer I ever watched when I could...he had a mouth on him!

5points

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#74

“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.” —Phil Pastoret

27points

Deppressedboo (gender fluid) 1 year ago

So it turns out they can talk and now my pant have holes in them

1point

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#75

“The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.” —Mark Twain

26points

May 2 years ago

I've not had a problem when I've lent money to friends, but I have seen friendships ruined over it. If you owe a friend money, maybe pay that back, before you buy that expensive handbag, and brag about it on social media..

3points

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#76

“Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.” —Leslie Nielsen

26points

Stephanie Did It 2 years ago

I'll finish tomorrow

7points

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#77

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”
― Steven Wright

26points

Ryan Deschanel 2 years ago

Brain.exe stopped functioning. Please reset.

15points

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#78

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker

25points

Mtownmick 2 years ago

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

3points

#79

“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
― Bill Watterson

25points

Sandy Kavanaugh 2 years ago

Go, Calvin!

9points

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#80

"Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch."
—Jon Stewart

25points

Terry Tobias 2 years ago

No offense to Trevor Noah, but I still miss Jon doing 'The Daily Show'.

6points

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#81

"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic."
― Jane Wagner

25points

Ryan Deschanel 2 years ago

Schizophrenic, or a chosen Saint.

0points

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#82

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

24points

May 2 years ago

Rodney Dangerfield - now there's a name I haven't heard in a long time. Completely forgot about him, but seem to remember he was a big star back in the day?

4points

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#83

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”
—Oscar Wilde

24points

Ryan Deschanel 2 years ago

But at least they are not in debt.

10points

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#84

Police officer: “Pull over.”
Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.”
—Harry Dunne, Dumb and Dumber

24points

Scagsy 2 years ago (edited)

Dumb & Dumber. A rare achievement in Hollywood; a very funny comedy.

0points

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#85

“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”
—Adam Gropman

24points

Piet Puk 2 years ago

60% Of statistics are made up on the spot.

5points

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#86

“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” —President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove

23points

#87

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
—Sir Norman Wisdom

23points

#88

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”– Bob Hope

23points

Okasan Willis 2 years ago

I can identify with this, we were 7 people (4 females) and one bathroom

3points

#89

“Don't make me an optimist. You will ruin my life.”– Fleabag, Fleabag

23points

Ryan Deschanel 2 years ago

This one can't be upvoted enough.

3points

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#90

”The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream."
― Bill Murray

22points

Guy MacGregor 2 years ago

Nah. Taxes are useful for yourself in the end, it does not disappear.

9points

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#91

“I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.”
— Matt Wohlfarth

22points

#92

“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie

21points

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#93

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
— Erma Bombeck

21points

#94

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
—Zach Galifianakis

21points

JuJu 2 years ago

It's time for a day in the fort and refusing to come out and be a grown up.

2points

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#95

“Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.” —Dennis Miller

21points

#96

“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”
—Anonymous

20points

#97

“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.” – Thomas Stephen Szasz

20points

Kimi Tomminello 2 years ago

"2 wrongs don't make a right, but 2 Wrights did make an airplane"- Groucho Marx (?)

9points

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Mom Leaves $250k Inheritance To Son, Throws A Fit When Daughter Stops Looking After Her

Mom Leaves $250k Inheritance To Son, Throws A Fit When Daughter Stops Looking After Her

Mom Leaves $250k Inheritance To Son, Throws A Fit When Daughter Stops Looking After Her

#98

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
—Mitch Hedberg

20points

#99

“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman

20points

#100

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” —Edgar Bergen

18points

Sandy Kavanaugh 2 years ago

Actually, hard work has killed lots of people. Steady work rarely does.

6points

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Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

#101

“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.” — Lemony Snicket

18points

Lord Mysticlaw 2 years ago

I love this

1point

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#102

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.”― Lynda Montgomery

18points

Saimonas Lukošius

Crazy Meerkat Lady 2 years ago

Or a retired one

1point

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"I Didn't Start The Dryer": Karen Gets Taught A Lesson After Throwing Out Neighbor's Wet Clothes

"I Didn't Start The Dryer": Karen Gets Taught A Lesson After Throwing Out Neighbor's Wet Clothes

"I Didn't Start The Dryer": Karen Gets Taught A Lesson After Throwing Out Neighbor's Wet Clothes

Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

#103

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
—Dave Barry

17points

#104

“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.”
— Reese Witherspoon

17points

#105

“An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’”
— Anonymous

17points

Mimi La Souris 2 years ago

jusqu'ici, tout va bien...

5points

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College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

Internet Gives Unemployed Woman A Reality Check After She Expects Friends To Buy Her A Trip

Internet Gives Unemployed Woman A Reality Check After She Expects Friends To Buy Her A Trip

Internet Gives Unemployed Woman A Reality Check After She Expects Friends To Buy Her A Trip

#106

“There are two classes of travel—first class and with children.”—Robert Benchley

17points

Miss Frankfurter 2 years ago

And the children aren't necessarily yours.

6points

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#107

“The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.” —Doug Larson

17points

Stephanie Did It 2 years ago

Cat is woman's best friend

3points

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#108

“A camel is a horse designed by a committee.“– Sir Alec Issigonis

17points

#109

"You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer."― Robin Williams.

17points

Saimonas Lukošius

#110

"My psychiatrist told me I am crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."― Rodney Dangerfield.

17points

Saimonas Lukošius

#111

"I love South Dakota, I do. And you know, the Black Hills of South Dakota are sacred to the Lakota Indians. And out of respect, our government carved four white guys into the side of a mountain."― Jim Gaffigan

17points

Saimonas Lukošius

Miss Frankfurter 2 years ago

If dynamite was used to blow up the rock to shape the faces, it can be used to remove them. Then pay the Lakota the amount of money in today's value matching all the gold the white man mined from their land, give all the land back and leave them alone!

7points

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#112

“Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”
—Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids

16points

#113

"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."— Chelsea Handler

16points

#114

“It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.”
― Rick Riordan

16points

#115

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” —Fran Lebowitz

16points

Corey Smith 2 years ago

Huh, I use it pretty often. Woodworking, carpentry, scaling a recipe, figuring out relative prices. Lots of places.

3points

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#116

“The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.“ — Josh Billings

16points

Caro Caro 2 years ago

No no, he's here and is my best friend.

7points

#117

“If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.” – Dwight Schrute, The Office

16points

#118

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”― Charles Schulz

16points

Saimonas Lukošius

R Carson 2 years ago

Yay optimism!

1point

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#119

“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
—Jarod Kintz

15points

#120

"I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat."
― Harold Wilson

15points

Crazy Meerkat Lady 2 years ago

And this is called a realist, which a lot of people confuse with a pessimist

4points

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#121

"Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine."
— Karl Pilkington

15points

Crazy Meerkat Lady 2 years ago

Mine definitely does whatever the f it wants

3points

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#122

“Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

15points

#123

“There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.”
― Sylvia Plath

15points

#124

”Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”– Jules Renard

15points

David deVaull 2 years ago

Requiring exhausting practice

4points

#125

“I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”
—Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada

14points

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#126

“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”
—Harry, When Harry Met Sally

14points

May 2 years ago

I know it's a joke, but it makes no sense - why wouldn't the wife still be living in the apartment?

2points

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#127

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” — Erma Bombeck

14points

Miss Frankfurter 2 years ago

At the hospital I used to work at, in our unit we set up a room to just sit and be quiet. We got a goldfish. We set up a "medication" record to sign when the fish was fed so they didn't get overfed and die. One day someone was cleaning the fishbowl and the fish fell on the floor. Got them back into the bowl in time, but still, they didn't look so good. We attached oxygen tubing and put it in the water to try to help, but they died. We had a small funeral before flushing them down a large disposal. No way we were going to tell our patients we couldn't keep a goldfish alive!

4points

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#128

“Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.”
— Rhea Butcher

14points

#129

"Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter."
— James A. Garfield

14points

James016 2 years ago

Absolutely.

1point

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#130

“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney

14points

R Carson 2 years ago

I'd take the risk.

3points

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#131

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”– Al McGuire

14points

Ryan Deschanel 2 years ago

For if they had an accident before pearl-harboring their targets. If you can use one again, it is still better than having to teach a new one.

1point

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#132

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."― Mitch Hedberg.

14points

Saimonas Lukošius

#133

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”― Lily Tomlin

14points

Saimonas Lukošius

#134

"Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers."― Eugene Bertin

14points

Saimonas Lukošius

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#135

“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”
—Dorothy Parker

13points

Ryan Deschanel 2 years ago

But it can buy medication (looking especially at you, insulin), appointments with the best doctors, healthy food, and... yeah, diamonds. Diamonds are pretty cool too.

6points

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#136

“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”
— Lin-Manuel Miranda

13points

#137

“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
— Will Rogers

13points

#138

“Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.”
― Howard Nemerov

13points

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#139

A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don't think of it first.”
― Oscar Levant

13points

Otter 2 years ago

No, quoting TV commercials is the lowest form of humor.

0points

#140

“When asked, "Why do you always wear black?", he said, "I am mourning for my life.” ― Anton Chekhov

13points

#141

“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota

13points

Caro Caro 2 years ago

I sent my hubby roses for our first anniversary ... when he had forgotten ... and was at a client .... Embarrassed the heck out of him lol.

2points

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#142

"For those of you who don't know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all 'Eye of the Tiger' and soldiers on." ― John Mulaney.

13points

Saimonas Lukošius

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

Poor John. Sigh!

1point

#143

“You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.”
— Dennis Miller

12points

Piet Puk 2 years ago

Reading, writing and arithmetic.

4points

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#144

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
—Les Dawson

12points

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#145

"If you text 'I love you' and the person writes back an emoji - no matter what that emoji is - they don't love you back."– Chelsea Peretti

12points

#146

"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three." — Alice Kahn

12points

#147

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."― Ellen Degeneres.

12points

Saimonas Lukošius

Frisinator 2 years ago

He's really far away from Ellen...

-1point

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#148

"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."― Jimmy Kimmel.

12points

Saimonas Lukošius

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#149

“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” —Jerome K. Jerome

11points

Mtownmick 2 years ago

I'm not afraid of hard work, I can watch if for hours.

0points

#150

"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, Coming to America

11points

#151

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley

11points

#152

“Love is not a sprint, it’s a marathon -- a relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms ...or hits you with the pepper spray.”– Howard Wolowitz, The Big Bang Theory

11points

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#153

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that." ― Mitch Hedberg.

11points

Saimonas Lukošius

R Carson 2 years ago

Hedberg was great-too bad he died young because of drugs-sad.

1point

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#154

“I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths.”
— Kenneth Cole

10points

R Carson 2 years ago

Choking hazzard.

0points

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#155

“I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” — Charles Barkley

10points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

An unexpected moment of clarity from Charles Barkley!

2points

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#156

"True love is singing Karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddy Mercury part."– Mindy Kaling

10points

#157

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”
— Clint Eastwood

9points

#158

"I married a woman who loves to camp ... and I am what you would call indoorsy."– Jim Gaffigan

9points

#159

"When I'm walking down the street I don't think anybody goes, 'Hey look at that man', they're just like 'Woah, that tall child looks terrible'."― John Mulaney

9points

Saimonas Lukošius

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

Somebody hating on John.

0points

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#160

“In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.”
― Hermann Hesse

8points

#161

"Math was my worst subject because I could never persuade the teacher that my answers were meant ironically"― Calvin Trillin.

8points

Saimonas Lukošius

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

I love Calvin Trillin. [Note to Self: Put Calvin Trillin on library list!]

1point

#162

"I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals."― Demetri Martin.

7points

Saimonas Lukošius

#163

"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'"― Demetri Martin.

7points

Saimonas Lukošius

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

Oops...this guy is looking for me!

0points

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#164

"I don't know much about The Bible myself. I haven't read it 'cause I don't have to, 'cause I'm Catholic."― Jim Gaffigan

7points

Saimonas Lukošius

May 2 years ago

I'm an atheist - I've read it. It's a big reason why I'm an atheist.

18points

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#165

“Even as a junkie I stayed true [to vegetarianism] - 'I shall have heroin, but I shan't have a hamburger.' What a sexy little paradox.”― Russell Brand

7points

Saimonas Lukošius

#166

"Zombies eat brains, you are safe."― John Stewart

7points

Saimonas Lukošius

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

Jon Stewart or a different guy?

0points

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#167

"I recently hurt myself on a treadmill and it wasn't even on."― Amy Poehler.

5points

Saimonas Lukošius

Miss Frankfurter 2 years ago

That's me!

1point

#168

“You are more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51.” ― Ted Lasso, Ted Lasso

2points

Saimonas Lukošius

#169

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
—Sir Norman Wisdom

-3points

OsmoTosmo 2 years ago

repeat

5points

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#170

“I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home.”
— Kanye West

-7points

AnnaBanana 2 years ago

This guy is trash personified.

6points

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Neilas Šurkus

I'm Neilas, Content Production Manager for Bored Panda in the Home & Design category. In this role, I try to ensure the quality of our articles to bring the best possible web surfing experience to our readers. I love a well-structured, informative, and illustrative article, whether it's for design ideas, gardening solutions, or cute dogs and cats. I made it my mission to ensure our readers get to experience the same thing. As for my personal interests, I produce music, sometimes go out and take pictures of nice stuff, and have petrol running through my veins. I'm an avid fan of Formula 1 and Motorsport in general, taking every chance I get to burn some rubber at local go-cart tracks. Of course, movies, gaming, and racing simulators are a big part of my daily life, too.

I'm Neilas, Content Production Manager for Bored Panda in the Home & Design category. In this role, I try to ensure the quality of our articles to bring the best possible web surfing experience to our readers. I love a well-structured, informative, and illustrative article, whether it's for design ideas, gardening solutions, or cute dogs and cats. I made it my mission to ensure our readers get to experience the same thing. As for my personal interests, I produce music, sometimes go out and take pictures of nice stuff, and have petrol running through my veins. I'm an avid fan of Formula 1 and Motorsport in general, taking every chance I get to burn some rubber at local go-cart tracks. Of course, movies, gaming, and racing simulators are a big part of my daily life, too.

Saimonas Lukošius

Saimonas is a list curator at Bored Panda with BA in Multimedia. Saimonas has mainly worked as a freelance graphic designer, illustrator and finds joy in anything related to visual arts.

Saimonas is a list curator at Bored Panda with BA in Multimedia. Saimonas has mainly worked as a freelance graphic designer, illustrator and finds joy in anything related to visual arts.

Justė Kairytė - Barkauskienė

Justė is a copywriter here at Bored Panda, and though her studies at the Veterinary Academy seemingly have nothing to do with writing, the passion for animals and nature helps in creating the most interesting and engaging posts. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier. Justė's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. Ask her anything!

Justė is a copywriter here at Bored Panda, and though her studies at the Veterinary Academy seemingly have nothing to do with writing, the passion for animals and nature helps in creating the most interesting and engaging posts. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier. Justė's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. Ask her anything!

Jurgita Dominauskaitė

Having started as a content creator that made articles for Bored Panda from scratch I climbed my way up to being and editor and then had team lead responsibilities added as well. So it was a pretty natural transition from writing articles and titles as well as preparing the visual part for the articles to making sure others are doing those same tasks as I did before well, answering their questions and guiding them when needed. Eventually I realized editing gives me the most enjoyment and I'm focusing only on that right now.

Having started as a content creator that made articles for Bored Panda from scratch I climbed my way up to being and editor and then had team lead responsibilities added as well. So it was a pretty natural transition from writing articles and titles as well as preparing the visual part for the articles to making sure others are doing those same tasks as I did before well, answering their questions and guiding them when needed. Eventually I realized editing gives me the most enjoyment and I'm focusing only on that right now.

Saulė Tolstych

Saulė is a photo editor at Bored Panda with bachelor's degree in Multimedia and Computer Design. The thing that relaxes her the best is going into YouTube rabbit hole. In her free time she loves painting, embroidering and taking walks in nature.

Saulė is a photo editor at Bored Panda with bachelor's degree in Multimedia and Computer Design. The thing that relaxes her the best is going into YouTube rabbit hole. In her free time she loves painting, embroidering and taking walks in nature.

What do you think ?

Sarah 2 years ago

One of my favourites: "It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That is not failure, that is life" -Captain Jean Luc Picard, Star Trek the Next Generation. It reminds me that when something doesn't work out, it's not always because I messed up. Helps keep me from being too hard on myself.

18points

RoseTheMad 2 years ago

"The enemy isn't men, or women, it's bloody stupid people" - Sir Terry Pratchett (and honestly, this certainly seems truer and truer in current times)

14points

Amy Stone-Chandler 2 years ago

My mother: "Can't use logic with people that are illogical." Unknown comic: "best way to a man's heart? A knife through his chest." (joking obviously!)

4points

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Sarah 2 years ago

One of my favourites: "It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That is not failure, that is life" -Captain Jean Luc Picard, Star Trek the Next Generation. It reminds me that when something doesn't work out, it's not always because I messed up. Helps keep me from being too hard on myself.

18points

RoseTheMad 2 years ago

"The enemy isn't men, or women, it's bloody stupid people" - Sir Terry Pratchett (and honestly, this certainly seems truer and truer in current times)

14points

Amy Stone-Chandler 2 years ago

My mother: "Can't use logic with people that are illogical." Unknown comic: "best way to a man's heart? A knife through his chest." (joking obviously!)

4points

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