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At this point, the number combination of 20 and 20, aka 2020, the year the world went nuts, is a joke in itself. And quite a good one. But in case you were out and about on Elon Musk’s SpaceX and haven’t enjoyed all the tragi(comedic) fun that has been going on for the past… since January 1st, we invite you to sit back for an open mic.
We hand-picked the funniest jokes from the r/jokes subreddit that has been getting 500 or more puns, one-liners, and witticisms every day from its 18.9M members. It’s like an online comedy cellar on its own that has been helping people to “Get Your Funny On!” since it was launched in 2008.
This year, however, has been particularly fruitful for r/jokes. I mean, do ya seriously need an explanation why?
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#1
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
RELATED:
#2
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
#3
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
#4
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
#5
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
#6
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
#7
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
#8
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
#9
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.
#10
If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "BOOM" I hope that blew your minds
#11
I just discovered that the word "nothing" is a palindrome...
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
#13
They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
#14
Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
#15
Dude 1: Hey, bro?
Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure
#16
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
#17
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
#18
My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther
He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.
#19
My roommate says our house is haunted
I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed [crap]
#20
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
I know he means well.
#21
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
#22
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
#23
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
#24
Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
Perhaps the Hippies should have won half a century ago so we wouldn't be in this mess today.
#25
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......
Whoever [messed] this up should be stabbed!
#26
imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
there would be mass confusion.
#27
In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
#28
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.
#29
We cannot allow this year to end
That would be admitting that 2021
#30
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
#31
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
#32
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
you get them VERY ANGRY
#33
This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men
We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing
#34
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
#35
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
American democracy. The guy with the least popular votes is made president by his powerful pals.
#36
My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”
“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”
#37
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
#38
50 shades of grey
#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676
#39
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender
#40
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
#41
Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.
But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.
#42
We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…
Minneapolis
#43
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch
Ouch
#44
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
#45
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything
Kendra Miller 4 years ago
Actually they totally let people do that, from select pages to sections to the whole freaking thing.
#46
What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?
North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
Rule of thumb: The dumber his plans are, the more serious he is. Nuking tornado's, buying Greenland, ingesting disinfectants, having his own Gestapo, Opening schools.
#47
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
#48
Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
#49
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
⚞ Katniss Everdeen ⚟ 4 years ago
(For the record, yes, Taiwan is a country, with it's own government, just in case you were wondering :)
#50
All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
#51
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.
I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
#52
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
#53
I really hope coronavirus can't spread through sex
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
#54
Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Nadine Khazaka 4 years ago
You should check out his social media, he's got a great web presence.
#55
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
#56
When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.
The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".
#57
Why didn't 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
#58
I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more. Man, I love working at the orphanage.
#59
What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu
Raichu
What do you think ?
Aragorn II Elessar 4 years ago
*sarcasm on* Well, I’m so glad people are taking this post so well. Love all of the delightful and cheerful comments. *sarcasm off*
Steve Cruz 4 years ago
After a lovely evening, my date cheerfully suggested, "We should have dinner again." I replied, "Thanks, but I'm full."
Steve Cruz 4 years ago
"…Here Are 45 Of Their Funniest Ones" There are 59 jokes, so I guess 14 are duds.
Aragorn II Elessar 4 years ago
*sarcasm on* Well, I’m so glad people are taking this post so well. Love all of the delightful and cheerful comments. *sarcasm off*
Steve Cruz 4 years ago
After a lovely evening, my date cheerfully suggested, "We should have dinner again." I replied, "Thanks, but I'm full."
Steve Cruz 4 years ago
"…Here Are 45 Of Their Funniest Ones" There are 59 jokes, so I guess 14 are duds.
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