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If you cringe hard every time you hear dad jokes, this list might not be for you… However, if you enjoy this type of humor and make yourself comfortable, as a boy, do we have a treat for you today?
Collected from the gold mine that is the ‘Dad Jokes’ subreddit, these jokes ought to make the hall of fame of puns dads are famous for. If you’re as excited about them as we are, wait no longer than a second and scroll down to view them. And make sure to upvote your favorites!
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#1
Why does Dracula always bite people in the neck?
Because he's a neck romancer.
EDIT: getting downvoted, might have been a grave mistake posting here...
EDIT 2: getting a lot of upvotes now, I guess the Count is rising
RELATED:
#2
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said... "...40 second birthday". I was so proud.
#3
My local barber was arrested yesterday for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years. Didn't even know he was a barber!
#4
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have [intercourse]?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
#5
Never understood why dads and corny jokes were a thing. I did notice it's a mostly true thing.
But I understand today. Asked my four year old what an 8 is. He doesn't know so I enlightened him that it's a zero with a belt.
Lost. His. Shit. He's just mastered numbers and letters and this was hysterical to him. I'm the funniest man alive. He's told the joke back to me about twenty times. Today.
Teenagers, this is why dads tell those jokes. They're chasing the indescribable high of this moment with a little kid. I found them cringeworthy as a teenager, but I get it now.
Ross “Sarcastic Dad” 6 months ago
This. I was a comedy GOD when my kids were little. Now I'm a source of embarrassment, lol.
#6
My son asked why Star Wars movies came out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3.
I answered in my best yoda impersonation: ‘In charge of scheduling, I was’
My son loved it, I heard a sigh from my SO, and when I looked at her, she just shook her head
#7
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again
#8
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: *turning to daughter* "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
#9
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?" I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
#10
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit
#11
My wife asked me to flip the calendar to the next month... To my surprise, the calendar skipped from April to June. I turned to tell her we're missing a month.
She said, "What's the matter? You look dis-Mayed..."
She's apparently been waiting a month for this set up
#12
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
Ali H M Salehuddin 6 months ago
I am in body-building program too. Though I concentrate only at the belly area. So far, in my 2 years of this body-building program, I've added 5 kg in that area.
#13
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
#14
The wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman can’t bend to pick it up because… ya know… she’s holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while she’s looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say…
“Here, let me give you a hand”
She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing
#15
A guy went to a costume party carrying a woman on his back. The doorman asks, 'What are you supposed to be?' The guy replies, 'A turtle.' The doorman asks, “What’s on your back?' The guy says, 'That's Michelle.'
#16
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know, one would have been enough.”
Anyone-for-tea? 6 months ago
Oh I am being very slow today! I couldn’t work out why he wanted to be a 1yr old, but I see it means fifty cards now…
#17
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... “That’s just spam.”
#18
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
#19
Just got a pet termite called Clint—Clint Eats Wood.
#20
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
#21
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
#22
My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.
#23
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian
#24
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!” I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
#25
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable
#26
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
#27
It was so cold yesterday my computer froze. It was my own fault though, I left too many windows open.
#28
Two men walk in to a bar. The first man says, 'I’ll have some H2O.' The second man says, 'I'll have some H2O, too.' The second man dies.
Anyone-for-tea? 6 months ago
I has to look it up as I didn’t know what H2 O2 was, and it’s hydrogen peroxide!
#29
Once upon a time, there was a king that was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible leader, but he made a great ruler.
Michael Largey 6 months ago
At 12 inches tall, he wasn't just royal - he was imperial. But then the people scaled the ramparts and overthrew him, founding a banana republic.
#30
What genre are national anthems? Country.
What do you think ?
WalterWhiteSavannah 6 months ago
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. So I did, but now I can't read the damn thing.
ConstantlyJon 6 months ago
Did you know that scuba and tuba are both acronyms? Scuba stands for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus. Tuba stands for terrible underwater breathing apparatus.
WalterWhiteSavannah 6 months ago
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. So I did, but now I can't read the damn thing.
ConstantlyJon 6 months ago
Did you know that scuba and tuba are both acronyms? Scuba stands for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus. Tuba stands for terrible underwater breathing apparatus.
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