"Do you have a moment to listen to our message about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?" I shut the door, disappointed. It was not the pizza delivery guy.

"I'm here to talk to you about your car's extended warranty $

That person was a serial killer and he was willing to train me on the art of putting cherries on milkshakes

It was an ex-girlfriend and she was holding a baby she said was mine.

"Ah. Finally found you." Death said reaching for me from the porch.

"It was my son. How did I know? He looked exactly the same as when I gave him up for adoption all those years ago."

The elation that was flowing from me came to a strangled gasp as a HUGE bloody hand snaked out and yanked me by the throat from my front door. The last thing I saw as I was shooting straight up in the sky with my unknown kidnapper, was my poor neighbors dog, with his tail between his legs, yelping and frantically scratching at the front door to be let inside

His handsome physique made me weak at the knees and as I opened my mouth to speak, he said "Please stop your dog from pooping on my lawn two houses down." I was speechless!

Then, upon being informed I do not have a porch, he stopped hovering in place and fell to the ground.

" I've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty"

“Would you like a Amazon package for 1000000$ dollars?” “No” I said and I woke up in heaven

ITS MICKEY MOUSE WITH A SHOTGUN RUUUUN

She said looking at an onion.

mom and dad were getting it on for the 10th time this week!

"That's right, you're a loan" said a loud, hissing voice behind me "and I'm here to collect WHAT is owed me!" Then, to my right, a partially eaten apple thumped on the ground next to me!

hope for one last meal, before the critical cancer reaches my brain. if it gets to my spine, there will be no hope that my race can overtake the humans, and survive on this planet. my name is byerkan the first, and this is the story of the end of the humans.

Who lost his 8th shoe.

"But", I wept, " i just can't sit through another star wars movie..."

This was the moment i realized that I had walked into the kitchen cabinet accidentally

"But it's all natural." Aunt said. "Healthy, organic ingredients only." No wonder it tasted weird. It was missing my normal sugars, flavorings, and preservatives. I could already feel the withdrawal symptoms rising to an unwholesome crescendo. How dare she do this to me.

Indeed you are. Wait, she said, who is speaking to me? It is me, the voice said, Albus Dumbledore

She killed the petty cashier from Walmart. All because she couldn't win the $500 gift card from the survey.

" SHUT UP MELVIN, SHE STOLE MY PRINGLES. SHE CAN DIE FOR ALL I CARE"

"CUT! Honestly Steven, how many times do I have to tell you, you look like a walrus chewing a wasp when you stick out your bottom lip during emotional scenes! Reset everyone, let's try it again and this time for goodness sake try and be a little less wooden!"

... but then Ryan Reynolds appeared out of nowhere and stole my sunglasses.

If only we had bullets to put in the gun.

They had received tickets in an envelope the previous day, and they were SO excited! But they were not so sure about the address of the park...Area 51? What area was this? 25? 37? How many more blocks to go before they reach 51? They decided to ask the man standing ta bit farther, in the all black attire. They hoped he would know where to go from here.

But the witness was not JUST a witness. He was... The victim.

...and shoving cabbage into her mouth like there was no tomorrow. I got so mad! Doesn't she know about the cabbage price hike!? How can she finish all of it at once!? That was a week's worth of stuff right inside that mouth of hers.

You called me; you should know where I am.

My vision went black, and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in a hospital with severe 4-degree burns on my fingers and hand. That w(b)itch! She electrocuted me when I was high!

My old skis were in there, right where I left them.

The cliff in realty was no maybe about as big as a boulder, I hear his sneakers crunch on the gravel on the other end. He returns his face flushed with embarrassment "It was cooler in my head"

With the cost of living rocketing , he thought he may have to sell his other hand too

You again!?

Still, the advantage was plenty of whale oil for his lamp, so he lit it. "Bloody heartburn", grumbled the whale. Must be something I ate.

"Uh...okay but do you want fries with that?" The fast food worker asks.

"What about my own nation? Yes, that seems about right."

This time the preist had a plan, he sent a bunch of killer bees wearing trench coats to steal her money in the form of a billionare

I jerked back in suprise at the eyes staring at me. I must have been hypnotized by those eyes, I didn't realize that I was also in the hole now sinking deeper until a chunk of dirt fell in my head

Dreamed it, she must have. It was crazy. Of course Nicolas Cage didn't just offer to set up a doorbell for her new apartment. But his face, perpetually and simultaneously in a state of confusion and petty sarcasm, was so clear to her...

I died of exsanguination; all because of my stupid brother!