One liners are one of the best forms of comedy. I wanna hear yours!

This post may include affiliate links.

#1

Welcome back to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces, and let me just say I am very disappointed in all of you.

Report

Final score:
107points
Lord pretzell
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu

You May Also Like:
#2

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

Report

Final score:
92points
Diana Lopetaitė
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#3

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

Report

Final score:
87points
Annabella Z
Add photo comments
POST
willowsweet_1 avatar
HooowlAtTheMoon
HooowlAtTheMoon
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

i feel like this would be on one of those "technically true" post pages

Vote comment up
12
12points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#4

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

Report

Final score:
80points
IguanaStampede
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#5

I don't respect you enough to care about your opinion of me.

Report

Final score:
75points
Glowdaddy
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#6

i got arrested for downloading the whole wikipedia, i told them i could explain everything

Report

Final score:
71points
-logansucrose- (he/him)
Add photo comments
POST
#7

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.
I M LIVID

Report

Final score:
71points
PurpleDoople
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#8

If your brains were tnt, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.

Report

Final score:
61points
Glowdaddy
Add photo comments
POST
mrkette avatar
Mary Rose Kent
Mary Rose Kent
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

Vote comment up
1
1point
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#9

My friend said the onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥

Report

Final score:
60points
Thefishtankguy
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#10

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Report

Final score:
51points
Caro Caro
Add photo comments
POST
#11

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what she laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Report

Final score:
50points
Small Galaxy
Add photo comments
POST
#12

I always loved one from the TV Series Castle. "This guy's dropped more pills than a three-fingered pharmacist."

Report

Final score:
49points
Carol Emory
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#13

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

Report

Final score:
43points
Caro Caro
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#14

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

Report

Final score:
41points
Kari Panda
Add photo comments
POST
marakitsch0 avatar
Candia Lee
Candia Lee
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A Rare Medium Well Done was a promotional slogan for PBS 7 in El Paso. The El Paso sun logo was made of 7s.

Vote comment up
2
2points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#15

Everything is better in moderation, even moderation.

Report

Final score:
36points
Titas Burinskas
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#16

The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese

Report

Final score:
36points
Winston Smith
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#17

A theatrical performance about puns is a play on words

Report

Final score:
35points
Emily Chandler
Add photo comments
POST
#18

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." (Tim Vine)

Report

Final score:
28points
Steve Barnett
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#19

If brains were elastic, you would not have enough to make garters for a sparrow.

Report

Final score:
26points
Emma
Add photo comments
POST
rcarson avatar
R Carson
R Carson
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just saw this on this site-my new favorite "have the day you deserve."

Vote comment up
8
8points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#20

A lady I work with kept complaining about how she always had a bad day when everyone else was having a good day. She said she was stuck in Murphy's law.
I asked her if she knew what Cole's law was. She didn't. My response, "it's lightly sauced cabbage."
Everyone started screaming.

Report

Final score:
25points
gbst47
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#21

Before using the toilet, know exactly where the tie to your bathrobe is.

Report

Final score:
21points
UnTethered
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#22

“Do you know What?”
“No, but Who is a good friend of mine.”

Report

Final score:
21points
GqIce
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#23

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Report

Final score:
20points
Caro Caro
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#24

Sometimes "all that glitters is gold" is really tinsel in a pile of dog cr@p.

Report

Final score:
20points
Jenna B.
Add photo comments
POST
mrkette avatar
Mary Rose Kent
Mary Rose Kent
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But the phrase is actually “All that glitters is NOT gold”...

Vote comment up
4
4points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#25

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Report

Final score:
20points
BingoMark
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#26

From a book I read, can't remember which one
He is one 'et' away from being an asset

Report

Final score:
19points
K D
Add photo comments
POST
#27

When I'm so tired that I'm on auto pilot... The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

Report

Final score:
19points
Braineating Spleen
Add photo comments
POST
dons avatar
Calypso poet
Calypso poet
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is the best example I've read so far! (That hasn't been heard a million times) slightly morbid with dead animals. Stealing it to use to describe my husband!😂

Vote comment up
0
0points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#28

Some people's birth certificates should be apology letters from the condom factory.

Report

Final score:
19points
Tracey Chananie
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#29

What did the hat say to the tie? "You hang around, I'll go on ahead."

Report

Final score:
17points
Sky Render
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#30

When somebody tells me to have a nice day, I respond "That's the plan!"

Report

Final score:
16points
John C
Add photo comments
POST
skara-brae avatar
Skara Brae
Skara Brae
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I might respond "And a nice cream." (If that isn't clear to anyone, it sounds like 'an ice cream')

Vote comment up
2
2points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#31

Go brush your tooth...

Report

Final score:
16points
Whitey Black
Add photo comments
POST
joe_stein avatar
Joe Stein
Joe Stein
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I live in an area with a huge meth problem. This made me laugh so hard.

Vote comment up
5
5points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#32

LET ME DRINK ABOUT IT!

Report

Final score:
16points
Arlene Lozano
Add photo comments
POST
#33

"I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumbass!"

I've been saying that since I was a teen and it still serves me well as a retort. 'Cuz I am a smart ass☺️

Report

Final score:
16points
Calypso poet
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#34

My circus, my monkeys. Stay outta my business.

Report

Final score:
15points
Carmen Sandiego
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#35

“Don’t be lasagna”- 12th doctor (Doctor Who)

Report

Final score:
14points
Artemis
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#36

....and a man accused of hiding himself under a layer of iron oxide has been placed under a rust.

Report

Final score:
13points
Zak Rasten
Add photo comments
POST
#37

You couldn’t find your own ass with both hands.

Report

Final score:
13points
MoMcB
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#38

I dreamed I ate a five-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone.

Report

Final score:
12points
Lorraine R
Add photo comments
POST
neilbidle avatar
Devil's Advocate
Devil's Advocate
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You're probably English, we always wake up "spitting feathers" (needing tea)

Vote comment up
3
3points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#39

A man accused of hiding himself inside a giant trifle is being held in custard.

Report

Final score:
11points
Zak Rasten
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#40

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Report

Final score:
11points
Dr Nostromo
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#41

Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

Report

Final score:
10points
Candia Lee
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#42

I'm here to chew bubblegum and [do whatever I'm going to do], and I'm all out of bubblegum

Report

Final score:
10points
J. F.
Add photo comments
POST
gclayton025 avatar
olx
olx
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

like the it crowd "I came here to drink milk and kick ass, and I've just finished my milk" - Maurice Moss. give me one of those sweet, sweet consonants!

Vote comment up
4
4points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#43

hey girl, you don't just look good, you look lesBIEN (Im a lesbian,its not supposed to be mean)

Report

Final score:
9points
z3r0
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#44

Just recently in a chat room, someone asked if they made Coyote Off (like a repellant spray of some kind)

I said, "Sure. You can get it at the same place as Bear Off or Moose Off. They even have one for wild rabbits. It's called Jack Off."

Report

Final score:
9points
Dr Nostromo
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#45

He talks so much he should go to On and On Anon

Report

Final score:
9points
Hotomato
Add photo comments
POST
#46

I shot an arrow a low hanging clouds, mist.

Report

Final score:
8points
Piet Puk
Add photo comments
POST
mrkette avatar
Mary Rose Kent
Mary Rose Kent
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think this would work better if you took out the comma and inserted the word “and” in its place

Vote comment up
1
1point
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#47

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Report

Final score:
8points
BingoMark
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#48

They were handing out brains, they thought they said grains and said no thank you.

Report

Final score:
7points
Glowdaddy
Add photo comments
POST
yottskry avatar
Stephen Branley
Stephen Branley
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've always preferred "When they were giving out brains you thought they said milkshakes and asked for a thick one"

Vote comment up
3
3points
Vote comment down
reply
#49

I don't have a dog in this hunt.

Report

Final score:
7points
Xenon
Add photo comments
POST
#50

It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.

Report

Final score:
7points
Stijn Olbrechts
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#51

I'd rather be resourceful, than smart. Aw heck! ... At my age, I'll take either.

Report

Final score:
7points
RLS
Add photo comments
POST
#52

Officer: Suspect is naked on the street.
Dispatch: Copy that
Officer: It's kinda cold

Report

Final score:
7points
ojjunior
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#53

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Report

Final score:
5points
Argus Brutus Maximus
Add photo comments
POST
#54

Is it half price if I only look with one eye?

Report

Final score:
4points
Jennifer .S
Add photo comments
POST
#55

Yes, I was wrong once but I divorced him.

Report

Final score:
4points
Hotomato
Add photo comments
POST
#56

- You have more fat cells than brain cells
- I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just saying I blame you
- I never said you're stupid, I said you lack the ability to be smart

Report

Final score:
4points
Dave van Es
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#57

I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.

Report

Final score:
4points
Seán Baron
Add photo comments
POST
#58

You can't cure stupidity but you can sedate it

Report

Final score:
4points
Rannveig Ess (don't / care)
Add photo comments
POST
#59

When entitled people ask "Do you know who my father is?"... "No, but ask your mother there's a slim chance she may remember."

Report

Final score:
4points
Ru Bee
Add photo comments
POST
#60

Not mine, well, Phoebe Buffay's- Oh! I wish could but I don't want to.

Report

Final score:
3points
DUN DUN
Add photo comments
POST
#61

There are two kinds of people in this world. One, those who can form logical conclusions based on limited data.

Report

Final score:
3points
David Martin
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#62

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent

- Qui Gon Jinn

Report

Final score:
3points
Cactus
Add photo comments
POST
#63

Your gene pool could use some chlorine.

Report

Final score:
3points
Sleestak
Add photo comments
POST
#64

Person 1: "I'm afraid of the 15th, 9th, and 3rd letters of the alphabet." Person 2: "Oh, I see." Person 1: *faints*

Report

Final score:
3points
PixxelDust
Add photo comments
POST
#65

You look good enough for an open casket funeral!

Report

Final score:
3points
Pryjmaty
Add photo comments
POST
#66

I hate mornings so much I sleep till noon

Report

Final score:
2points
Scarlett O'Hara's Ghost
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#67

Descartes walks into a restaurant. The waiter asked if he’d like wine with dinner. Descartes said “I don’t think” and disappeared.

Report

Final score:
2points
Deanna Crichley
Add photo comments
POST
john_ballin avatar
John Ballin
John Ballin
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I heard a slight variation on this joke, where the punchline is him saying, "I think not," but either way, I still find this one hilarious!

Vote comment up
0
0points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#68

When arguing that I am right/always right: "I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken."

Report

Final score:
2points
over it already
Add photo comments
POST
#69

I'm leaving this world the same way I came into it: screaming and covered in somebody else's blood.

Report

Final score:
2points
Lucinda Speer
Add photo comments
POST
#70

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.

The brilliant Tim Vine!

Report

Final score:
1point
Seán Baron
Add photo comments
POST
#71

A Roman walks into a bar, puts 2 fingers up and says "5 beers please"

Report

Final score:
1point
Ian Reynolds
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#72

A snake walked into a bar, the bartender asked "how did you do that?"

Report

Final score:
1point
dragons grish
Add photo comments
POST
#73

When I started working for this company, I was young and impoverished.
But after forty years of hard work and loyal service, I am no longer young.

Report

Final score:
1point
Michael Largey
Add photo comments
POST
#74

Pardon me for talking while you were interrupting.

Report

Final score:
1point
Bani Daniell
Add photo comments
POST
#75

I stopped calling my toilet the John and started calling it the Jim. My friends are well impressed when I tell them I go the the Jim twice a day!
Seen in The Rotherham Bugle

Report

Final score:
1point
Johnny Sunshine
Add photo comments
POST
#76

I once heard my friend say “are you a coffin cause I’m dying to get inside of you” h actually got the girls number too.😂😂😂

Report

Final score:
1point
DaShaun Trosper
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#77

On a Friday, say "Day five of the hostage situation"

Report

Final score:
1point
Janus Preez
Add photo comments
POST
#78

Your incompetence is beginning to grow taxing...(I stole this from Underworld and have found it quite useful)

Report

Final score:
0points
Erin Snodgrass
Add photo comments
POST
#79

Give yourself a break do it since a perfect house isn't going to help our tired bodies only the eyes😁 (an advice I give my friends and mum a lot)

Report

Final score:
0points
Meghna Mohan
Add photo comments
POST
#80

Living and dying in Texas is redundant.

Report

Final score:
0points
Jan Hallett
Add photo comments
POST
#81

Why is a German stone intelligent?

Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein

Report

Final score:
0points
Ian Reynolds
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#82

I would tell you a joke about noble gases but it wouldn’t get a reaction

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can helium and you can’t curium you may as well barium

To people walked into a bar. One asked for h2o. The other asked for h2o too. He wasn’t specific enough. He promptly died. Knowledge is power kids. Yay. Long live the nerds.

Report

Final score:
0points
CorgiChameleon
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#83

I hate my social media accounts. I hope they blow up.

Report

Final score:
0points
PixxelDust
Add photo comments
POST
#84

You might be kind, but German children will always be kinder

Report

Final score:
0points
Starbug
Add photo comments
POST
#85

"Do you live around here often?"

Report

Final score:
0points
thewickedwest
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#86

There is no "I" in team, but there is a "u" in F$#k you.

Report

Final score:
0points
Simon Oosterman
Add photo comments
POST
#87

You go to an American bathroom and suddenly, you're a Russian. When you come out, you're Finnished

Report

Final score:
0points
LeProudDork(She/They)
Add photo comments
POST
#88

(someone commenting on a woman's practically theoretical dress) "I've seen more cotton in an aspirin bottle."

Report

Final score:
0points
Theoretical Empiricist
Add photo comments
POST
#89

If you wake up and smell the roses chances are you’ve been buried alive.

Report

Final score:
0points
WillemPenn
Add photo comments
POST
peter_roosdorp avatar
Concept-Peter Roosdorp
Concept-Peter Roosdorp
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not really, most roses have very little smell, so you need to be very close to the flower in order to smell it at all.

Vote comment up
0
0points
Vote comment down
reply
#90

If some one says to me "Drive safely" I reply "I will drive as I want to"
Or "Sleep well" I reply " I will sleep as I want to"
All with a very serious and indignant face. :) Then I smile.

Report

Final score:
0points
Korrie Broos
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#91

If someone is weareing a very bright or off beat shirt or shoes etc I always say " You can wear that shirt/shoes/tie etc with any thing" Then I pause to see how their face lights up and feel proud, then I reply the second part "Because it goes with nothing." :)

Report

Final score:
0points
Korrie Broos
Add photo comments
POST
anyoldjunk87 avatar
Jo87
Jo87
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I mean what is the need... If they're happy leave them alone

Vote comment up
1
1point
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#92

A guy was so lazy that he got up at 3 am so he would be able to do nothing for a longer period of time.

Report

Final score:
0points
John Legere
Add photo comments
POST
#93

We went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog there. It was a s**t zoo!

Everything is getting smaller or an inferior quality. Terry’s Chocolate Orange is now a chocolate satsuma.

Innuendo – an Italian enema.

We used to cough to hide a fart, now during covid we fart to hide a cough.

Those three little words to keep your wife happy – you’re right dear!

Report

Final score:
0points
Johnny Sunshine
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#94

Get someone else’s life -- yours is not working.

You ask if he had any enemies? Do you have a phone book?

Don’t be so open minded that your brains fall out!

A guy said he wanted to get into my pants.
Not possible, I said, there’s only room for one asshole and I’m it!

A guy said, “If you ain’t from Texas, you ain’t s**t.” I felt bad, but then wondered if I would have felt any better if he said I was s**t.

Have you been to Area 51? Not that I remember.

Customer at a drive thru window: Is Jack here?
Server: No, Jack’s off tonight.

Date said: I can’t tell you what I do for a living and then let you live.
Me: Well, can you hint at it and just beat me up?

Fired at the guy, missed his ear by 3” -- yup, got him right between the eyes.
I did fire a warning shot through his liver.

The car could stop on a dime. Unfortunately, the dime was in some guy’s pocket.

You look tired. Let me hold your wallet.

I am single by choice. You, however, are being rejected.

I’m really an asshole but this is my day off.

Report

Final score:
0points
Octavia Hansen
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#95

I shoot in the low 70's, gets any colder than that, I don't go out.

Report

Final score:
0points
Patricia Manteuffel
Add photo comments
POST
#96

How come you're late so soon? you used to be behind before but now you're finally first at last

Report

Final score:
0points
Bradley V.
Add photo comments
POST
#97

Not me, but one of my friends. I was telling him about the time I went behind the bleachers and saw some clueless couple doing IT....and he said, "Would be good practice for when I'm an adult." It was two weeks ago. I'm 13 and he's 14.

Report

Final score:
0points
Pumpkin Spice
Add photo comments
POST
#98

Nothing is better than the best

Report

Final score:
0points
Kumar Ghodekar
Add photo comments
POST
#99

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

- Groucho Marx

Report

Final score:
0points
Kevin Hickey
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#100

I encourage friends with this classic line from Rodney Dangerfield [google him]: "Look out for number one and try not to step in number two."

Report

Final score:
0points
KellyO
Add photo comments
POST
#101

Tell me something I don't know about you.. Like you phone number

Report

Final score:
-1point
Bob Builder
Add photo comments
POST
#102

I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.

Report

Final score:
-1point
Seán Baron
Add photo comments
POST
#103

I’m an acquired taste, if you don’t like me, acquire some taste.

Report

Final score:
-1point
Rebekah Tracy
Add photo comments
POST
#104

What makes you think evolution cares whether or not you believe in it.

Report

Final score:
-1point
Allan Miller
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#105

Most people get mad when a sentence doesnt end like its potato

Report

Final score:
-1point
olek olok
Add photo comments
POST
#106

When they were handing out brains, you thought they said 'rain' and ran for the porch.

Report

Final score:
-1point
Dirk Luchsinger
Add photo comments
POST
#107

I almost went on America’s Got Talent until I realized I was the one that was supposed to have talent to go :-(

Report

Final score:
-1point
Justin Patel
Add photo comments
POST
#108

I went to the doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula ~ Mitch Hedberg

Report

Final score:
-1point
Tracer:-)
Add photo comments
POST
#109

Eagles soar high, but weasles don't get stuck in jet engines.

Report

Final score:
-1point
Simon Oosterman
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#110

I could only think of this one, though it was dumb.
What's up? - The sky (or the ceiling)

Report

Final score:
-2points
Erjenn Rejano
Add photo comments
POST
deannababy61 avatar
Deanna Crichley
Deanna Crichley
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When I ask my SO what's up? He always says 'a chicken's butt when she eats'.

Vote comment up
6
6points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#111

Can I asked a question? You just did.

Report

Final score:
-2points
CorgiChameleon
Add photo comments
POST
#112

"not my circus, not my monkey"..........

or

"la-dee-frickin'-da"

Report

Final score:
-2points
Kay Nuehark
Add photo comments
POST
#113

Being a smart a$$ only proves that an a$$ can occasionally be intelligent.

Report

Final score:
-2points
Sheila who?
Add photo comments
POST
#114

Half the population is below average intelligence.

Report

Final score:
-2points
WillemPenn
Add photo comments
POST
#115

Context: Cop busted a guy for painting a guy red and blowing up his house

"Unless you wanna see if your blood is tuscan red, I'd recommend you stay put."

Report

Final score:
-2points
Outlawzen
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#116

How you Doing?
"I'm doing as I please!"

Report

Final score:
-3points
Sherri Streff
Add photo comments
POST
#117

Have ya ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight ?!!?

Report

Final score:
-3points
Patrick Doty
Add photo comments
POST
#118

Hey buddy you got a match?

Yes, your face and my bum.

Report

Final score:
-3points
Grant Barke
Add photo comments
POST
#119

A seal walked into a club.

Report

Final score:
-3points
Flexiegirl94
Add photo comments
POST
#120

I live on a ranch. This means I know the difference between horse s**t and bull s**t.
This place is a powder keg and these people are a match away.
When I look at you, I think, THATS the sperm that won?
You are what happens when there is no life guard at the gene pool.
Some people are young and foolish, at least you still have foolish.
Till I spoke to you I didn’t know stupid was a career option.


( These are just a few off the top of my head. I was born and raised in NJ. Sarcasm is our Kung Fu … and it is strong grasshoppers. )

Report

Final score:
-3points
Lucky2BAlive
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#121

A dwarf prisoner escaped becoming a Small Medium at Large

Report

Final score:
-3points
T McClung
Add photo comments
POST
#122

Is must be hard going through life being so nasty all the time.

Report

Final score:
-4points
jm french
Add photo comments
POST
#123

-You are absotively, posolutely correct because pobody's nerfect!
-Huked on fonics werked fer mee
-How about a department of common sense?
-The beatings will continue until morale improves
-The bureaucracy will expand to meet the needs of the expanding bureaucracy!
-What is the first law of a bureaucracy? Survival.
-Department of redundancy department.
-That boy is about as sharp as a bag of wet mice!

Report

Final score:
-4points
TMinus6 and Counting
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#124

[someone saying f*ck you]
me: you would want to wouldnt you?

Report

Final score:
-4points
just.a.loser
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#125

I always lie

Report

Final score:
-4points
Anton Kider
Add photo comments
POST
#126

This submission is hidden. Click here to view.

#127

This submission is hidden. Click here to view.

#128

This submission is hidden. Click here to view.

#129

This submission is hidden. Click here to view.

#130

This submission is hidden. Click here to view.

ADVERTISEMENT
#131

This submission is hidden. Click here to view.

#132

This submission is hidden. Click here to view.

#133

This submission is hidden. Click here to view.

#134

This submission is hidden. Click here to view.

#135

This submission is hidden. Click here to view.

#136

This submission is hidden. Click here to view.

ADVERTISEMENT
#137

This submission is hidden. Click here to view.

#138

This submission is hidden. Click here to view.

Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Start writing!

Follow Bored Panda on Google News!