Welcome back to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces, and let me just say I am very disappointed in all of you.

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Final score:

107points

Lord pretzell

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I, for one, like Roman numerals.

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Final score:

92points

Diana Lopetaitė

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Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

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Final score:

87points

Annabella Z

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A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

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Final score:

80points

IguanaStampede

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I don't respect you enough to care about your opinion of me.

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Final score:

75points

Glowdaddy

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i got arrested for downloading the whole wikipedia, i told them i could explain everything

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Final score:

71points

-logansucrose- (he/him)

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I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.
I M LIVID

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Final score:

71points

PurpleDoople

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If your brains were tnt, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.

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Final score:

61points

Glowdaddy

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My friend said the onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥🧅🥥

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Final score:

60points

Thefishtankguy

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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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Final score:

51points

Caro Caro

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I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what she laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

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Final score:

50points

Small Galaxy

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I always loved one from the TV Series Castle. "This guy's dropped more pills than a three-fingered pharmacist."

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Final score:

49points

Carol Emory

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We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

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Final score:

43points

Caro Caro

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A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

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Final score:

41points

Kari Panda

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Everything is better in moderation, even moderation.

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Final score:

36points

Titas Burinskas

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The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese

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Final score:

36points

Winston Smith

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A theatrical performance about puns is a play on words

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Final score:

35points

Emily Chandler

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"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." (Tim Vine)

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Final score:

28points

Steve Barnett

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If brains were elastic, you would not have enough to make garters for a sparrow.

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Final score:

26points

Emma

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A lady I work with kept complaining about how she always had a bad day when everyone else was having a good day. She said she was stuck in Murphy's law.
I asked her if she knew what Cole's law was. She didn't. My response, "it's lightly sauced cabbage."
Everyone started screaming.

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Final score:

25points

gbst47

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Before using the toilet, know exactly where the tie to your bathrobe is.

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Final score:

21points

UnTethered

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“Do you know What?”
“No, but Who is a good friend of mine.”

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Final score:

21points

GqIce

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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Final score:

20points

Caro Caro

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Sometimes "all that glitters is gold" is really tinsel in a pile of dog cr@p.

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Final score:

20points

Jenna B.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Final score:

20points

BingoMark

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From a book I read, can't remember which one
He is one 'et' away from being an asset

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Final score:

19points

K D

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When I'm so tired that I'm on auto pilot... The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

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Final score:

19points

Braineating Spleen

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Some people's birth certificates should be apology letters from the condom factory.

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Final score:

19points

Tracey Chananie

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What did the hat say to the tie? "You hang around, I'll go on ahead."

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Final score:

17points

Sky Render

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When somebody tells me to have a nice day, I respond "That's the plan!"

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Final score:

16points

John C

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Go brush your tooth...

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Final score:

16points

Whitey Black

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LET ME DRINK ABOUT IT!

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Final score:

16points

Arlene Lozano

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"I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumbass!"

I've been saying that since I was a teen and it still serves me well as a retort. 'Cuz I am a smart ass☺️

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Final score:

16points

Calypso poet

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My circus, my monkeys. Stay outta my business.

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Final score:

15points

Carmen Sandiego

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“Don’t be lasagna”- 12th doctor (Doctor Who)

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Final score:

14points

Artemis

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....and a man accused of hiding himself under a layer of iron oxide has been placed under a rust.

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Final score:

13points

Zak Rasten

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You couldn’t find your own ass with both hands.

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Final score:

13points

MoMcB

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I dreamed I ate a five-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone.

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Final score:

12points

Lorraine R

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A man accused of hiding himself inside a giant trifle is being held in custard.

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Final score:

11points

Zak Rasten

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I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

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Final score:

11points

Dr Nostromo

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Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

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Final score:

10points

Candia Lee

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I'm here to chew bubblegum and [do whatever I'm going to do], and I'm all out of bubblegum

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Final score:

10points

J. F.

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hey girl, you don't just look good, you look lesBIEN (Im a lesbian,its not supposed to be mean)

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Final score:

9points

z3r0

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Just recently in a chat room, someone asked if they made Coyote Off (like a repellant spray of some kind)

I said, "Sure. You can get it at the same place as Bear Off or Moose Off. They even have one for wild rabbits. It's called Jack Off."

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Final score:

9points

Dr Nostromo

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He talks so much he should go to On and On Anon

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Final score:

9points

Hotomato

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I shot an arrow a low hanging clouds, mist.

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Final score:

8points

Piet Puk

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Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

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Final score:

8points

BingoMark

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They were handing out brains, they thought they said grains and said no thank you.

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Final score:

7points

Glowdaddy

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I don't have a dog in this hunt.

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Final score:

7points

Xenon

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It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.

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Final score:

7points

Stijn Olbrechts

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I'd rather be resourceful, than smart. Aw heck! ... At my age, I'll take either.

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Final score:

7points

RLS

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Officer: Suspect is naked on the street.
Dispatch: Copy that
Officer: It's kinda cold

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Final score:

7points

ojjunior

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How can I miss you if you won't go away?

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Final score:

5points

Argus Brutus Maximus

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Is it half price if I only look with one eye?

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Final score:

4points

Jennifer .S

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Yes, I was wrong once but I divorced him.

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Final score:

4points

Hotomato

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- You have more fat cells than brain cells
- I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just saying I blame you
- I never said you're stupid, I said you lack the ability to be smart

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Final score:

4points

Dave van Es

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I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.

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Final score:

4points

Seán Baron

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You can't cure stupidity but you can sedate it

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Final score:

4points

Rannveig Ess (don't / care)

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When entitled people ask "Do you know who my father is?"... "No, but ask your mother there's a slim chance she may remember."

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Final score:

4points

Ru Bee

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Not mine, well, Phoebe Buffay's- Oh! I wish could but I don't want to.

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Final score:

3points

DUN DUN

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There are two kinds of people in this world. One, those who can form logical conclusions based on limited data.

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Final score:

3points

David Martin

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The ability to speak does not make you intelligent

- Qui Gon Jinn

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Final score:

3points

Cactus

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Your gene pool could use some chlorine.

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Final score:

3points

Sleestak

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Person 1: "I'm afraid of the 15th, 9th, and 3rd letters of the alphabet." Person 2: "Oh, I see." Person 1: *faints*

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Final score:

3points

PixxelDust

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You look good enough for an open casket funeral!

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Final score:

3points

Pryjmaty

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I hate mornings so much I sleep till noon

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Final score:

2points

Scarlett O'Hara's Ghost

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Descartes walks into a restaurant. The waiter asked if he’d like wine with dinner. Descartes said “I don’t think” and disappeared.

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Final score:

2points

Deanna Crichley

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When arguing that I am right/always right: "I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken."

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Final score:

2points

over it already

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I'm leaving this world the same way I came into it: screaming and covered in somebody else's blood.

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Final score:

2points

Lucinda Speer

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I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.

The brilliant Tim Vine!

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Final score:

1point

Seán Baron

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A Roman walks into a bar, puts 2 fingers up and says "5 beers please"

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Final score:

1point

Ian Reynolds

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A snake walked into a bar, the bartender asked "how did you do that?"

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Final score:

1point

dragons grish

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When I started working for this company, I was young and impoverished.
But after forty years of hard work and loyal service, I am no longer young.

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Final score:

1point

Michael Largey

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Pardon me for talking while you were interrupting.

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Final score:

1point

Bani Daniell

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I stopped calling my toilet the John and started calling it the Jim. My friends are well impressed when I tell them I go the the Jim twice a day!
Seen in The Rotherham Bugle

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Final score:

1point

Johnny Sunshine

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I once heard my friend say “are you a coffin cause I’m dying to get inside of you” h actually got the girls number too.😂😂😂

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Final score:

1point

DaShaun Trosper

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On a Friday, say "Day five of the hostage situation"

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Final score:

1point

Janus Preez

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Your incompetence is beginning to grow taxing...(I stole this from Underworld and have found it quite useful)

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Final score:

0points

Erin Snodgrass

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Give yourself a break do it since a perfect house isn't going to help our tired bodies only the eyes😁 (an advice I give my friends and mum a lot)

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Final score:

0points

Meghna Mohan

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Living and dying in Texas is redundant.

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Final score:

0points

Jan Hallett

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Why is a German stone intelligent?

Because its not just a stone, it's ein Stein

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Final score:

0points

Ian Reynolds

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I would tell you a joke about noble gases but it wouldn’t get a reaction

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can helium and you can’t curium you may as well barium

To people walked into a bar. One asked for h2o. The other asked for h2o too. He wasn’t specific enough. He promptly died. Knowledge is power kids. Yay. Long live the nerds.

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Final score:

0points

CorgiChameleon

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I hate my social media accounts. I hope they blow up.

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Final score:

0points

PixxelDust

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You might be kind, but German children will always be kinder

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Final score:

0points

Starbug

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"Do you live around here often?"

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Final score:

0points

thewickedwest

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There is no "I" in team, but there is a "u" in F$#k you.

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Final score:

0points

Simon Oosterman

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You go to an American bathroom and suddenly, you're a Russian. When you come out, you're Finnished

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Final score:

0points

LeProudDork(She/They)

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(someone commenting on a woman's practically theoretical dress) "I've seen more cotton in an aspirin bottle."

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Final score:

0points

Theoretical Empiricist

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If you wake up and smell the roses chances are you’ve been buried alive.

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Final score:

0points

WillemPenn

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If some one says to me "Drive safely" I reply "I will drive as I want to"
Or "Sleep well" I reply " I will sleep as I want to"
All with a very serious and indignant face. :) Then I smile.

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Final score:

0points

Korrie Broos

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If someone is weareing a very bright or off beat shirt or shoes etc I always say " You can wear that shirt/shoes/tie etc with any thing" Then I pause to see how their face lights up and feel proud, then I reply the second part "Because it goes with nothing." :)

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Final score:

0points

Korrie Broos

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A guy was so lazy that he got up at 3 am so he would be able to do nothing for a longer period of time.

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Final score:

0points

John Legere

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We went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog there. It was a s**t zoo!

Everything is getting smaller or an inferior quality. Terry’s Chocolate Orange is now a chocolate satsuma.

Innuendo – an Italian enema.

We used to cough to hide a fart, now during covid we fart to hide a cough.

Those three little words to keep your wife happy – you’re right dear!

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Final score:

0points

Johnny Sunshine

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Get someone else’s life -- yours is not working.

You ask if he had any enemies? Do you have a phone book?

Don’t be so open minded that your brains fall out!

A guy said he wanted to get into my pants.
Not possible, I said, there’s only room for one asshole and I’m it!

A guy said, “If you ain’t from Texas, you ain’t s**t.” I felt bad, but then wondered if I would have felt any better if he said I was s**t.

Have you been to Area 51? Not that I remember.

Customer at a drive thru window: Is Jack here?
Server: No, Jack’s off tonight.

Date said: I can’t tell you what I do for a living and then let you live.
Me: Well, can you hint at it and just beat me up?

Fired at the guy, missed his ear by 3” -- yup, got him right between the eyes.
I did fire a warning shot through his liver.

The car could stop on a dime. Unfortunately, the dime was in some guy’s pocket.

You look tired. Let me hold your wallet.

I am single by choice. You, however, are being rejected.

I’m really an asshole but this is my day off.

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Final score:

0points

Octavia Hansen

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I shoot in the low 70's, gets any colder than that, I don't go out.

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Final score:

0points

Patricia Manteuffel

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How come you're late so soon? you used to be behind before but now you're finally first at last

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Final score:

0points

Bradley V.

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Not me, but one of my friends. I was telling him about the time I went behind the bleachers and saw some clueless couple doing IT....and he said, "Would be good practice for when I'm an adult." It was two weeks ago. I'm 13 and he's 14.

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Final score:

0points

Pumpkin Spice

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Nothing is better than the best

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Final score:

0points

Kumar Ghodekar

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

- Groucho Marx

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Final score:

0points

Kevin Hickey

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I encourage friends with this classic line from Rodney Dangerfield [google him]: "Look out for number one and try not to step in number two."

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Final score:

0points

KellyO

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Tell me something I don't know about you.. Like you phone number

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Final score:

-1point

Bob Builder

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I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.

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Final score:

-1point

Seán Baron

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I’m an acquired taste, if you don’t like me, acquire some taste.

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Final score:

-1point

Rebekah Tracy

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What makes you think evolution cares whether or not you believe in it.

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Final score:

-1point

Allan Miller

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Most people get mad when a sentence doesnt end like its potato

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Final score:

-1point

olek olok

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When they were handing out brains, you thought they said 'rain' and ran for the porch.

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Final score:

-1point

Dirk Luchsinger

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I almost went on America’s Got Talent until I realized I was the one that was supposed to have talent to go :-(

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Final score:

-1point

Justin Patel

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I went to the doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula ~ Mitch Hedberg

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Final score:

-1point

Tracer:-)

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Eagles soar high, but weasles don't get stuck in jet engines.

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Final score:

-1point

Simon Oosterman

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I could only think of this one, though it was dumb.
What's up? - The sky (or the ceiling)

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Final score:

-2points

Erjenn Rejano

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Can I asked a question? You just did.

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Final score:

-2points

CorgiChameleon

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"not my circus, not my monkey"..........

or

"la-dee-frickin'-da"

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Final score:

-2points

Kay Nuehark

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Being a smart a$$ only proves that an a$$ can occasionally be intelligent.

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Final score:

-2points

Sheila who?

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Half the population is below average intelligence.

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Final score:

-2points

WillemPenn

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Context: Cop busted a guy for painting a guy red and blowing up his house

"Unless you wanna see if your blood is tuscan red, I'd recommend you stay put."

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Final score:

-2points

Outlawzen

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How you Doing?
"I'm doing as I please!"

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Final score:

-3points

Sherri Streff

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Have ya ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight ?!!?

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Final score:

-3points

Patrick Doty

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Hey buddy you got a match?

Yes, your face and my bum.

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Final score:

-3points

Grant Barke

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A seal walked into a club.

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Final score:

-3points

Flexiegirl94

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I live on a ranch. This means I know the difference between horse s**t and bull s**t.
This place is a powder keg and these people are a match away.
When I look at you, I think, THATS the sperm that won?
You are what happens when there is no life guard at the gene pool.
Some people are young and foolish, at least you still have foolish.
Till I spoke to you I didn’t know stupid was a career option.


( These are just a few off the top of my head. I was born and raised in NJ. Sarcasm is our Kung Fu … and it is strong grasshoppers. )

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Final score:

-3points

Lucky2BAlive

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A dwarf prisoner escaped becoming a Small Medium at Large

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Final score:

-3points

T McClung

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Is must be hard going through life being so nasty all the time.

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Final score:

-4points

jm french

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-You are absotively, posolutely correct because pobody's nerfect!
-Huked on fonics werked fer mee
-How about a department of common sense?
-The beatings will continue until morale improves
-The bureaucracy will expand to meet the needs of the expanding bureaucracy!
-What is the first law of a bureaucracy? Survival.
-Department of redundancy department.
-That boy is about as sharp as a bag of wet mice!

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Final score:

-4points

TMinus6 and Counting

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[someone saying f*ck you]
me: you would want to wouldnt you?

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Final score:

-4points

just.a.loser

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I always lie

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Final score:

-4points

Anton Kider

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I’m dying, your dying, the world is dying, and the universe in inevitably drifting apart. Happy Day. (o)>

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Final score:

-5points

CorgiChameleon

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Live Love Laugh and Enjoy the Lightness of Being

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Final score:

-6points

Marti Zuidam

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Everyone knows inventors are crazy.
Inventors know everyone is crazy.

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Final score:

-6points

Bob Stuart

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I am only one week away from breaking my own record of not using the word "Beans" for 400 days in a row...

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Final score:

-6points

Tom Hardeveld

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A hardworking kid will grow up... tired.

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Final score:

-6points

Carmela Jimenez

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A guy lets a fart, smiles, and says "Ducks."
I reply, "Hell no. That was the quack of your ass.".

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Final score:

-6points

Grady'sRaider

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'Oh don’t s**t yourself' - absolute fav

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Final score:

-7points

Weronika Kasperska

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Yes indeede, sweetie

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Final score:

-7points

Allen Lavine

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Yer a unit of power Harry
I’m a watt??

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Final score:

-7points

CorgiChameleon

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I’m the one that killed Monday, shot Tuesday, put Wednesday in the hospital, Call Thursday, To tell Friday Not to give birth to Saturday on Sunday (dolomite)

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Final score:

-8points

Allen Lavine

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There's a name for you ladies, but it isn't used in high society...outside of a kennel! - Crystal Allen (Joan Crawford)

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Final score:

-9points

JB

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SOME PERSON: Do you want some corona?

ANOTHER PERSON: *achoo* I already have some!!

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Final score:

-10points

GreenTeaCatt :)

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If you have a d**k, you ain’t a chick

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Final score:

-15points

Danger

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