"I love you" are just words.

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#1

That my toxic, abusive parents will not change their attitude towards me just because I desperately want them to.

I spent many years doing my absolute best to please them, to achieve things with no help or support from them, praying to hear a word of appreciation. They never bothered. Instead, they'd always find reasons to criticize and belittle me for trifles, even long after I became an adult.

It's sad that I got a lot of praise and appreciation from strangers, but not a word from my own parents. Like I don't matter or don't exist. Now they are "offended" that I refuse to visit or keep in touch with them (I wonder why :))).

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censorshipsucks
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

don't feel obliged to chase them anymore. Find new people, write them off. I had to do this.

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    #2

    That the cancer I've got is probably gonna kill me in the next 12 months..... And I don't really care. Die alone now, die alone in 10 or 20 years...Not much is gonna change in my life....

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    K- THULU
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    Bored Retsuko
    Bored Retsuko
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Have you been told that this is the case? Are you getting any sort of treatment? And, have you quit your job after all as you said you might?... (I would love to know all this, but I know you probably don't want to go into detail.) Wish I could do something for you. Sending hugs, too.

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    #3

    That nobody liked me, including me. I've spent a lifetime changing that fact, chasing my ideal self. Having people who actually care about you, is more important than wealth, fame or power. I'm lucky to now have a handful of people who love me for being me.

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    Caro Caro
    Caro Caro
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    True, being loved and having friends who really care about you are the best in life.

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    #4

    That I'm getting old and unattractive, my body is getting decrepit, and that I most likely will never find a good man to love me who I love as well, and who measures up to my fairly high standards (no, it isn't all about looks). It's even worse for me now because I'm barely 57 yrs old, but my body feels more like it's 70. I've wasted my life in anger and regret. Although to be fair, there was a basis for some of my feelings. But I didn't have to let those feelings drag me down. I should have only looked ahead instead of always looking behind to see who was to blame for my poor self esteem and failures, and how it could have all been different if "such an such" hadn't happened, or if "this and that" had been different.

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    Caro Caro
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Michele, you are not old - 57 is not old. And you are certainly not unattractive - nobody is. I hope you are at peace and wish you a healthy and happy 2023 filled with kindness, happiness and joy.

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    Dip thong
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Hey, you're heading into the best time of your life. Plenty of good men your age are out there looking for someone just like you. And, most of us are just like you. There is one thing I wished you would do for yourself. Look forward. Look in the mirror and accept yourself, for the person you are today. TODAY! And never look back. Forget about that s**t. It's in the past and has no hold on you anymore. Or, or you could be like me. When I look in the mirror, I see the real me and I say " good morning you wretched, wretched soul." Smile and go about my day hoping that I can hold the door open for somebody.

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    Michele Lein (Submission author)
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Thank you. It's really difficult to accept myself at 57 when I still feel 30. But thank you for taking time to reply and share your thoughts. It nice to think that there are still kind souls like you out there.

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    Legen ( wait for it ) dary
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    1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I was reading this and thinking : ooh s**t, that's me in same years(anger and regret due a abusive marriage and currently in a nasty divorce). I'm okay, but I'm still learning to be okay. Wish this would do a click on me and change my life because what you said it's very eyes opening . Now you know this about your past and yourself. You learned your lesson, so please, please, use your own words to aspire not actually getting to 70 years old and think, I wish when I was barely 57 I would do things differently, same as you are feeling now about your past. Now you know better. I know it's easy say then done but go out because other singles are wishing to know someone and let go on the whatever stopped you to live a full life and start looking forward . Hope this make sense to you as it makes in my head but can't really explain with words. Lots of love

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    Michele Lein (Submission author)
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Thank you for replying and sharing. And I do totally understand your words. It seems like everytime I start to come upon a new decade in my age, I always look back and say these things to myself. "Oh, if only I'd known this or that when I turned 40." Now it's happening again as I get closer to 60. I really try to learn from my past mistakes. But it's taken so long to acknowledge my mistakes and accept myself for who I am, flaws and all, that I'm going to b heading into my 90s before I get it right, lol. But thank you. You're and angel.

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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This is a very valuable insight - if you can, please join a therapy group and share your stories with the people living it now! Also: 57 is older than you've ever been, but there may be 20 more years before you're actually old. So if there's anything you'd like to do...

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    Margaret H
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    High standards are one thing but don't forget none of us is an angel and we have to accept that our partners sure aren't. After all, if they were angels, they'd hardly be likely to put up with our s***!

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    #5

    That I am the only one who can and should be responsible for my happiness, my mental and physical health, my coping with life and people. No one can "make" me do or feel anything - it's all my choice. And also, that that's true of everyone else too.

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    Legen ( wait for it ) dary
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Cheers to that. Back in time I used to have this "philosophy". Always cool and Zen. Then life happened, but I'm slowly walking to this philosophy again. I'm glad you fell this way too.

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    #6

    I depended more on my husband than I thought. I don't mean taking care of me but things like doing jobs around the house, a listener, a hug. Now, my cat has to listen and give me hugs :)

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    Bored Retsuko
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh dear Caro. That must hurt so much. But if you ask me, this is a good sign! It means that the two of you were really close!

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    #7

    I learned something about myself this year and that is that I am Asexual, I am different from 97% of people and I really think that if I had realized this when I was young I wouldn't have had two failed marriages. I don't know if it's because of childhood sexual abuse or just a trait because I have another sister who also told me she thinks that she is too after I told her about myself. My life's decisions would have led me on a different road and I could have just traveled to different countries working in different restaurants because I wanted to soak up knowledge of different cuisines. I think I have cancer now and will not fight it I have been very ill for so many years that now I just want to rest and go to sleep peacefully and and be pain free, I may change my mind but for now it is going to be DNR.
    My advice is to travel and have fun in your youth because if you wait for retirement you might not be in good health so that you can walk and explore things and think of it like this, no matter what kind of job you have they have those kinds of jobs in Belgium, France, Spain, and Italy too just save enough to get you there and work to live don't live to work life is to short so have fun now.

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    Caro Caro
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Elena, I'm sorry. Such a shame that you missed out on things you wanted to do in your life. You say you think you have cancer - are you having tests done? Hugs and keep me posted.

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    #8

    That people will believe a beautiful lie over the ugly truth. Even if there is evidence supporting the truth.

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    #9

    I can't save those who refuse to be saved. All the research, data, work, discussion, treatment means zero if they refuse to even hear us (the medical profession). Or if they take the headline version of a study and don't understand what the study results really *say*, in context, etc. And... yeah, all that.

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    Earl Grey
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    1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Ugh, I’m going through that now with a family member. You absolutely cannot help someone who refuses to fully participate in their own rescue and repair. Complete waste of time and money as your efforts are thwarted, subverted and disparaged at every turn, while the “blast radius” slowly widens to consume more and more family and friends. You want to respect a family member’s autonomy, but once delusions and paranoia set in it’s time to just move on and let nature take its course.

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    #10

    that my old best friend doesn't care about me. she doesn't give a s h i t about my feelings and how much she messed me up. some people just get everything they want all the time who don't deserve it.

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    beethebi (banned)
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    StrangeOne
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Don't know why you were downvoted. I gave you an upvote. I know the feeling. My old best friend reached out to me just to invite me over and it ended up being an MLM party. She dropped contact and pretty much kicked me out when I wasn't interested in being recruited.

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    #11

    That everything will always change. One person will love one BIG forever because they said nothing would or could ever change that not even that person. It's not true even love changes. Treat your partner well and one should have no worries. Especially if your the only one that they see and they truly do love you and you love them don't hurt them don't lie to them because many years later if they don't leave you the love from them WILL CHANGE!

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    Dip thong
    Dip thong
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    There is a lot of truth here. Let me speak for just me though. I'm married for 39 years. It's been a rollercoaster of a marriage. We grew apart, separated but never divorced. I have loved and hated the same man. Today I love him more than ever before. People ask me how we do it. My answer is " I think you have to go through hell and back." That's the best I've got.

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    #12

    Knowing our childhood was not normal.

    Setting healthy boundaries with my family because of the childhood.

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    #13

    That people can turn on a dime. My husband of 44 years just died & his whole family, mother & 3 brothers have turned their backs on me. It is either for a perceived slight on the day he died or a future money issue, such as cutting me out of the mother's will. I have no family & my husband always said, "you'll have mine". Guess I don't.

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    #14

    that just because they're your parents, it doesn't mean they love or care about you.

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    #15

    That no matter what, I will always be older than someone.

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    BeepBeepBoopBoop
    BeepBeepBoopBoop
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    but in most cases, someone will always be older than you! Probably til you reach like 120th birthday lol

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    #16

    That my dating/boyfriend days are over . . .

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    Octavia Hansen (Submission author)
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I thought it was too dismal to post anything more . . . BUT . . . I'm REALLY into traveling now, and I mostly do it alone. Go where I want, when I want, eat what I want, change plans on a moment's weather notice. What I lost in companionship I have gained in miles. And now I have my senior pass to ALL the national parks, and recently grabbed my state pass for Texas. I'm a stay-at-home spinster. I'm now a moving target that men can't keep up with!

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    #17

    People are so easily corrupted. Covid taught me that. How fast we go from disagreement to anger to actual hate. People who loved you can just up and choose not to. Friends will walk away. You will be left behind. That's why it's important to learn grace and to never give up on the people you love.

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    #18

    That I am not suited for close relationships and best to just do the FWB thing or be aroace. It's really too much hassle to deal with people's irrationality and selfishness. People seem to think that once you're "with" them that you must (a) spend all your time with them and (b) that you must never disagree with them and (c) you must do only what they want to do and (d) you must not spend time with anyone else and (e) you must stop your hobbies apart from their hobbies. I guess maybe I only am attracted to narcissists. So sick of it.

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    Caro Caro
    Caro Caro
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You probably are suited for a close relationship bc what I just read is not someone you want to be with unless it's a dog :). If you love someone then leave them their hobbies, their nights out with mates, etc. I always say "if you don't do things apart from your partner then you end up having nothing to talk about". Thankfully my husband agreed.

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    #19

    That I was in a toxic friendship and a toxic school (around the ages of 9-10)

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    #20

    That nobody likes me and I'm doomed to spend life alone. It's a fact that I will just have to c

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    #21

    My realization that i am coming to terms with is that my oldest son is no longer my baby boy, he is now a teenager. Daughter 6 yr old, son 3 year old and daughter 10 month old. Children are growing up way to fast. They will grow to become independent which is also a good thing, but I am realizing I cannot be there with them all the time. Hoping they choose to make the right decisions in life. Stay on the right path that I plan for them. Backstory....Teen Parent here now my son is 15 years old. Had him during 11th Grade, now he is a 9th grader. As they get older what will they do, where will they go, will they continue on to college, will they be ok financially. Thinking about this is tough. I would love for them to stay home where I know they will be safe and sound, but realistically that cannot happen. Well All I can do is Pray they become respectable young adults and not make the same errors I made. Not that I Wish my son away, but I want them to enjoy their teen years, not having to grow up fast like we did.

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    #22

    Nobody will ever hate you more than you already hate yourself.

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    that one ace lesbian genderfae
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Not true in my case. I'm more than happy with myself, and there are quite a few people that hate me.

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    #23

    People with no kids/dependants will just never understand the actual juggle. No matter how nice or considerate they are…and that’s totally okay :)

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    censorshipsucks
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Or people that think that having a dog or cat is the same as a kid. It's not. Kids require way more work. A cat is almost potplant level maintenance. You just have to put water down and some food occasionally. A kid, not so much. So don't tell me your "fur babies" are your kids. They're not remotely close.

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    #24

    This isn’t as hard as others on the list, but the hardest realization I’ve had is that, I’m Aroace. I’ve just hoped I’d get crushes later in life, well, every…milestone has hit, and nothing has sparked. I don’t want to be a part of the lgbt, I want to be sure that I can just say who I like and my (homophobic) family can like it. I wish I liked people at all. I want to understand what my friends are going through with this. I don’t want to be alone, I want someone to be with on valentines, or to prom, but I know it won’t happen. No hate to the lgbtq though, but I want to be a normal kid again. I want to be the person my parents thought I’d be. But I’m not. I’m just not.

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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This is the first part of growing up: realizing who we are, and usually that's not who our parents thought we'd be. And that's more than okay! It's not easy to be an individual, but it sure beats the alternative. Now go prepare for the next step: everything always changes, including you :)

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    #25

    I can't make other people like me, or make them be happy.

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    Lil Potato IS BACK!!!!
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    #26

    You can't help anyone. Not where, when, or how it counts anyway.

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    Caro Caro
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yes you can. Some need a friendly word, understanding and an ear. That goes a long way. I hope you are ok. We are here for you if you want to talk.

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    #27

    Most people won't ever get promoted at work, and those promoted are not the hardest, most deserving employees.
    I'm not manager material.
    No one listens to anything I say, and everything I do say gets countered. Few people take me seriously and I may have no desire to be in charge, anyways.
    I don't like it because I want a shot at leading people. I haven't led anyone in all my life.
    I'm not managerial material.

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    Cleo Neufeld
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Im with you on that one. I wouldn't make it as a manager. Its just not my place.

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    #28

    That my ex was an alcoholic who would never change and that I couldn't help. It ended up with a straight decision between trying to help her, or ending up as a mental basket case myself. In the end I noped the hell out of there which might sound cowardly but the hard realisation bit was that some folk jut cannot be helped.

    Four years later I found out from a mutual friend that she'd died of chronic liver failure and had requested that I attend her funeral (a request I declined). I still think about the number of times well meaning friends and family told me to get out and I didn't.

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    Caro Caro
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That must have been a tough decision to make. It's true, some won't and can't be helped. I really hope you are happy now.

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    #29

    I believed that my golden years were in middle school. I had an amazing friend group, got good grades, and a relationship (which I thought was the best).
    High school made me realize that all but one of my friends used me because I am smart and would help them if they pretended to be my friend, they never cared about me, and why you don't date in middle school (I was naive and just wanted a friend, he wanted a relationship and I couldn't say for out of fear).
    It took me two years of high school and a true friend group to realize that they were using me in middle school. I stayed at our K12. They all left and never talked to me again. I am still dealing with the anxiety and imposter syndrome and uncertainties that came out of that era, but my friends now are close to family now, and we are working through our stuff together.

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    #30

    That how much I drank, what I drank, and how long I drank had nothing to do with being an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic because of *why* I drank and how I changed when I was drunk. It took 6.5 years of 12-step meetings and therapy to finally feel like I was good enough (or bad enough, I suppose) for help. That realization was so freeing, and I was finally able to start healing. I celebrated 10 years sober in December, and it's the best part of my life.

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    Earl Grey
    Earl Grey
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    1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Congratulations on coming to terms with your relationship to alcohol. Once you figure that out, it becomes a realistically manageable situation.

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