This didn't come from me, it was my little sister's story. We live in a Trailer park, very crucial to the story. Anyways He was bragging about how his shoes were $250 and talking crap about my little sister's clothes and shoes. She was NOT having it. She turns to him and says " if your shoes cost so much, then why are you living in a trailer? Shouldn't you be living in an actual house?" And the kid glares at her and starts picking on another kid... the kid kicked him in the balls.

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Final score:

101points

Aubryanna Walker

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A college friend was super tall and she always got asked, “You’re tall! Do you play basketball?”

Her response was, “You’re short! Do you play miniature golf?” 😂😂🤣🤣💀

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Final score:

78points

Kami Hayes

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Not My Quote, Its sorta a comeback

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed
~William Shakespear

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Final score:

62points

Della Racine

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My friend has to deal with this spoiled girl at school who joined the fashion police in 4th grade and this girl goes out of her way to find my friend just so she can tell her that her hoodie doesn't match her hair or eyes and that it was very unflattering. My friend says " You know, ----, you wouldn't look too bad in glasses. I think you need some because you keep mistaking people for mirrors."

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Final score:

61points

Sarina Greenhaven

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I envy people who haven't met you

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Final score:

61points

Elena B

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This was said by Alexander Hamilton to Thomas Jefferson:
"There are approximately 1010300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly explain how much I want to hit you with a chair."
Sadly wasn't in the musical lol

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Final score:

60points

Half-Jewish-Doggo

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In elementary, this girl would look at my friends and I and roll her eyes, we were a grade higher than her, and a bit less mature, anywho, one day it just got too annoying. She rolls her eyes, and I said, you may find a brain back there you little shi*.
I was deemed the best a**hole of the day, well, in her book.

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Final score:

57points

Nia

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There was also this one classmate who was trying to be amusing during a group project, by gnawing at a computer. No idea why. But he'd been asked to stop multiple times until another kid in my group was like, "hey, can u help out?" So I was like, "Hey Name, If your so hungry then eat a knuckle sandwich. I'll make it for you myself."

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Final score:

51points

Pearl Of the SeaWing RainWings

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Do you realise that you're the human equivalent of a participation award?

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Final score:

50points

Elena B

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In middle school there was this guy who was a certified b*tch. He always terribly made fun of me and my friends, for things like grades and being thin. After a month I had had enough. When he came around and did his usual thing. I said this time “Why do you think you are better than us?” He said “You are girls and not smart or pretty, I have a 94 grade point average, listen and weep”. I smiled and replied “I have a 97 grace point average. Maybe you should aspire to be like a girl.”

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Final score:

49points

Bliss

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So there was this one guy at my lunch table who was rambling on about how trump was the best and how Biden did such terrible things. One day my friend just turned to him and said “Bro how lonely is that single f*cking brain cell in your head?” That was the best moment of the week.

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Final score:

44points

Joseph Rychetsky

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Lady Astor: If was married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee.

Winston Churchill: If I was married to you, I'd drink it.

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Final score:

44points

Isadora Delgado

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I found this on my brothers phone:

Why play hard to get when you're already hard to want?

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Final score:

43points

Elena B

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(didn't happen to me or anyone i know, i saw it on the internet somewhere:)

some racist old lady told a pair of Korean men to speak English, and without missing a beat one of them said "OOOO i want a nice cup of TEA look at me i'm ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST"

i doubt it actually happened, but it's still funny

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Final score:

42points

juice

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Whoever told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice

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Final score:

38points

Elena B

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If someone ever says "f*ck you" to me, I like to respond with "f*ck me yourself, you coward."

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Final score:

38points

fishy

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It was me, I was arguing with this asshole and I said, “I’d slap you, but I don’t want to get arrested for animal abuse.”

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Final score:

36points

Aragorn II Elessar

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We were playing DnD, and we came across a place called the Mere of Dead Men. The DM told us that it would be perilous trying to get through, as many men had died in it.
The only girl in our group yelled, "I AM NO MAN!"
Not sure if it counts as a comeback but it sure was funny.

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Final score:

34points

ProbablyIsaac

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You look like a before picture

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Final score:

33points

Elena B

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if people say your weird say: i'm not weird;i just fall outside your exceptional narrow view of the world

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Final score:

33points

(っ◔◡◔)っ im a domestic weeb

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Someone once told me nobody would want to have sex with me because I was a feminist and called them out on their misogyny.

Joke's on you, I'm asexual.

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Final score:

31points

Literal Pigeon

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Got in an argument with this really dumb kid in my class. I got fed up with her stupidity and said "Excuse me- Is your @$$ jealous of the crap coming out of your mouth?"
She then proceeded to roll her eyes, but didn't say anything else.

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Final score:

29points

Steve The Stomper

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this girl in my old class was just saying a lot of rude things about me and it was getting annoying so I interrupted her and said I'm sorry if I wanted a bitch, I would have gotten a dog. that shut her up for the rest of the year.

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Final score:

28points

Asy_End

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Once talking about an ex friend who was a major douche. Told my other friend "Ya know, I'd call him a pig, but that'd be insulting to pig-kind. Because not even an animal who rolls around in a mixture of their own shit and mud would want to be anything like him." Sorry to those of you who like pigs, don't kill me please! 😅

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Final score:

27points

Memento Mori

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-Your opinion is so invalid that even Blurryface doesn’t care what you think (don’t know who first said this but I love it)

-We’re Homo sapiens not hetero sapiens (in response to homophobic comments)

-Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump, but that’s comparing apples to oranges

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Final score:

27points

Harlø-Banditø

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a friend told me about this one, it was a group of first graders insulting each other, then one said "well, your not a nice person!" which earned a collective "oooh," from the group around them. oh, the innocence of first graders.

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Final score:

27points

Saphira

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It's not mine but I like it:"Are you really stupid, or are you just pretending?"

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Final score:

26points

Jelena

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Mom vs Sister
Sister: Your mom is stupid
Mom: Well your mom is ugly and stupid.
Sister: You are my mom
Mom: Utter Realization.....
Mom: To Che

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Final score:

25points

Percy

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Just this week my friend told this one guy who kept looking at us like we were a disease and was body shaming us that “I would say your life is a joke but jokes have meaning.” That shut him up quick

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Final score:

25points

Joseph Rychetsky

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This one's a weird one, but we're not allowed to swear at school. So in one Spanish lesson, can't remember the rule, but it went something like this:
Words that are feminine and plural end in "as".
So I called my mate (jokingly, we are always insulting each other) feminine plural, coz I wasn't allowed to say ass. Lol now the entire year group are calling each other feminine plural, the teachers have no idea what it means🤣😂🤣😂

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Final score:

24points

Blinding_Darkness

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My brothers were fighting once and my mom pulled the classic ẗreat others like you want to be treated" so the older brother told her that the younger brother treats him like shit so he's just returning the favor. She had no argument for that.

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Final score:

23points

Stack o' Pancakes

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This kid in my class was being a jerk to me, so I was all like, "Keep it up if you want a papaya shoved up your nose... Your nostrils are so colossal, it just might fit"

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Final score:

23points

Pearl Of the SeaWing RainWings

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I'd call you a dumbass, but that would be rude to ass's

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Final score:

21points

Elena B

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Once had a friend of mine that got fed up with someone else asserting themselves into his affairs. So he played the long game...

Told this guy he had a great idea for a financial endeavor that he thought this other guy would be an amazing fit to manage. The dude bought it, hook, line and sinker. So my buddy took this guy with him to the bank (there's one in the complex we work in) and they both sat down and applied for a small business loan. In from of the clerk and everyone else, when asked "Will it be both of you applying for this loan?" my friend replied "Nope, just him. I figured I would help him out starting a small business so he could mind his own instead of mine."

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Final score:

20points

von Funnyname

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(That 70s show!)

Laurie: You better watch your back

Jackie: Really? Because you should stop spending so much time on yours.

Kelso: BURN

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Final score:

20points

Im.in.wonderland

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Sorry for so much text.
One of my friends saw a comeback online and used it on a very annoying girl who kept on calling him ugly.
He said,
"Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside."

A roast that I have said ( you might have heard of this before)
"I would prefer a battle of wits but it appears you are unarmed."
Sorry for so much text.

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Final score:

19points

CATMONSTER2018

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I was wearing cat-ear headphones on the bus once. Some girl got all snarky about it.

Her: Ugh, gosh darn anime people.

Me: I— you’re literally wearing a naruto shirt

It was infuriating. Apparently, she didn’t know it was anime

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Final score:

19points

Harlø-Banditø

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Eating dinner with my family my dad was teasing my mum about her past boyfriends and asked her "what happened to the short ugly one?" and without missing a beat I responded "oh, she married that one".

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Final score:

19points

Miriam Galpin

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So last night at work I had a migraine and diarrhea of the mouth. You know those days. Me (a female) and 4 guy co-worker friends of mine were hanging out and this car goes tearing out of the parking lot :
Guy one: Oh yea you're cool
Guy Two: Sounds like my lawn mower (all laugh)
Me: (without thinking) Sounds like a tiny dick.

All lost it and started cracking up. Also no offense to Mustang owners. I don't even mind a loud muffler as long as it' a muscle sound not an import sound on a muscle car.

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Final score:

18points

AzKhaleesi

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this isn't really a comeback, but i love it

I had to deal with a really mean girl in school. She went out of her way to make fun of my rapping skills. One day she said that I'm not a rapper so stop. I looked at my BFF and she started to beat-box. I then said,

" Talk to the hand cause the face ain't listenin'
I really don't care so stop on pissin'
Do u really ur the boss of me? oh wow
Ur just jealous cause u don't have the know how
*bell rings*
Oh did u hear that its time for class
But before u go, F*ck of my ass!"

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Final score:

18points

Phoenix

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once there was a girl who hated me and my friends she was telling me about how i dress like a 4 year old and i said "well at least i don't dress like a pros*itute but i guess you got it from your mom." i was in the 3rd grade.

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Final score:

18points

BlissTheDeer

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Once, playing DnD, one of the players casted "Shocking Grasp", one of the spells they had cast multiple times.

I replied..
"How shocking."

Left my character to 3 hp from pun damage.

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Final score:

17points

Soap

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I heard this one the other day at the mall a girl was apparently talking to a now ex-bf and after he begged her to take him back she said “ Honey I don’t know what your thinking but this isn’t Toy Story 3 I’m not giving my toys to the less fortunate it, your just dirty and used, I’m throwing you in the trash” then she walked off like the queen she was.

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Final score:

16points

dead gay heart

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did you break a mirror today? You just made me blind with disgust

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Final score:

15points

serenagun

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I was in a school bathroom when a girl was doing her makeup in the mirror to stall going to class, and i said, "we are supposed to be in class not doing makeup" "she responded with, " Hey, at least cover up that disgusting face of yours before going out" and I said " isnt that what you're doing?"

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Final score:

14points

Exotic Panda

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Well I just had a great comeback or just general statement to some rude comments regarding the Trans Woman’s article here on boredpanda. There were people saying how she wasn’t a woman and that she isn’t valid and here was my response:

I understand that everyone has a right to their own opinion but when your opinion is as valid as the s**t that comes out of your ass then I think maybe you should reevaluate your so called opinion. This woman is VALID!! Idc what anyone else says she is a woman and she is amazing and quite f*****g frankly she is hot as s**t so with that being said if you have nothing nice to say don’t f*****g comment!!!!!!! #MICDROP

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Final score:

13points

dead gay heart

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" My father will hear about this" Draco Malfoy

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Final score:

13points

Newsies forever!!

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Ran into an ex at a night club he was being all creepyq. My friend and I were leaving to go to another club and he grabbed my hand and said "What are you doing later tonight?". My response was "Not you!", and walked out. 20 years ago and it still feels good.

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Final score:

13points

Marlene James

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I was having a usually sibling fight when my older sister decided to try out the "you're adopted" scandal followed by "whoops i spilled the beans".

To which I laughed and said, "Thank God, for a second i was scared that i was related to you", her face after that is something i will never forget.

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Final score:

13points

Katherine Cor

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not mine but from an eps. of Buffy which could be adapted for individual situations .... just replace slayer & tailor to your own.

"Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron."

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Final score:

12points

Laura Dawson

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(Don't know if this counts but) 8th Grade. Kid comes up to me and starts talkin' smack about how my friends and I are slow and that he could beat us in any race or event, how we are "slower than turtles because those f*ckers are slow as hell". This is track season mind you so we had plenty of opportunities to prove him wrong... Right before a 200-meter dash and he is in the lineup with myself and 2 other of the supposed slow people, the gun goes off, we run it all out. My friends and I got top 3 and the guy was last. Just to really rub it in we say, "Turtles are slow? I think the animal you are looking for is the tortoise, we were the hare, just not cocky and a lying piece of sh*t.

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Final score:

12points

Wesley Boylan

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I blush really easy and I'm really white so it shows up really bright. I was in HS and this guy kept joking around to make me blush. I was and to an extent still back a comebacks so I went to one of the girls I was friends with and asked for help. She was a genius. 1st class the next week:

Him - Flirty in appropriate sexual comment.
Me - Wanna Screw?
Him - Wh...what?!
Half of the class - What?! (Friend silently dying in her seat)
Him - What did you just say?!
Me - I asked I'd you wanna Screw?
Insert him blushing like mad looking dumbstruck, half the class going, half the class still not believing they heard right.
Me - What's wrong with you? Do you want the screw or not? *I hold up a 2 inch screw I had gotten from my shop class.*

The teacher had to leave the room she was laughing so hard. The entire highschool found out ( it was a K-12 school so very small highschool). I gave her credit then, I still give her credit today. He left me alone after that but it was AWESOME!

Only one I have besides that was when one of my cousins came over while I was visiting my Aunt. Haven't seen him in ages and he looked as me and goes 'Hey cuz, whaddya know?'. I looked at him and deadpanned 'I know a lot you're gonna hafta narrow that down a bit'. I've never seen that man speechless before.

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Final score:

12points

Roadkill The Brave

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hmmmm........ I would say the best come back i've heard was in Amoung us. Two people where fighting and one of them said ¨ And thats why ur dad left you for me love ¨ They got banned after saying that though because the owner of the game left and the other person they was fighting with was the owner now. I had a good laugh though

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Final score:

11points

A U T O P H O B I A

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After hitting someone on the arm with a book, "OMG, I am so sorry, my book slipped, I was aiming for your head, silly me."

Next time,"OOPS! I thought I had a hammer, turns out it was just a book, at least I got the head right? My aim is terrible, all I see is a butt."

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Final score:

11points

Kya Junior

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When my boyfriend's mum tutted at something he'd done, so my boyfriend said to his dog, "You're my friend, aren't you?"
Boyfriend's mum immediately came back with, "yeah, but he eats poo."

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Final score:

11points

HS

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Seen on a t-shirt --- Girl speaking to a super obnoxious pest of a guy who wouldn't take a polite no for an answer : "If your dick and your brain were as large as your mouth, then.... maybe."

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Final score:

11points

Dukes Miller

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This is an example of a terrible comeback. This teacher for band told this girl on french horn that she was too loud. Her comeback was... "At least I don't look like you." We were all like girl what the heck?

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Final score:

11points

Levi Baker

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I heard this story but I was not in any way shape or form involved in it

This teacher was talking about whales in class and said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human whole and this girl said "What about Jonah?" the teacher said "Well we can't exactly ask him now can we," and the girl replied when I get to heaven, I'll ask him," and the teacher said "what if he went to hell?" and the girl said, "Well then you can ask him."

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Final score:

11points

YellowOchre

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One time my sister and I were fighting and she threw in a little, "You're Adopted!" and I immediately responded to that with "Well At Least They Wanted Me, But They're Stuck With You Now!"

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Final score:

11points

Joseph8338

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'You're just a child!'
'Well, you're just a teenager.'

Thank you A:TLA 😌

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Final score:

10points

Noelle (he/fae/xe)

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Once, a colleague of mine, who was also a young mum, discovered she was a little younger than me (like 2 years).

She proceeded to tease me about it, and tell me how, at her age, she had more experience than me professionally.

My comeback:
"Well at least when I was your age, I wasn't changing diapers!"

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Final score:

10points

Lea

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'If I wanted shit from you I'd squeeze your head.'

A%20Mormon%20Friend Report

Final score:

10points

T. Ferguson

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I made one and its like: Sorry, *digs hand in pocket* it seems I ran out of fucks to give about this conversation but I might have a couple of pennies in my bag you can use to save up to buy a new personality because I doubt anybody would like to exchange yours.

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Final score:

10points

Jozie Annabeth

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In my twenties I would frequent a local college bar often and would often see the same people. One evening I overhear a "bro" call me a slut..welp, I had to just tell him "I'm a bitch, not a slut because a slut sleeps with everyone. A bitch sleeps with everyone but you". I haven't been able to live that shining moment down. My friends still retell the story.

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Final score:

10points

Scarface's Mom

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well i just broke up with someone he was like have a nice life im like as long as i never see or hear from you again i will after that he said something and i kept on making him sound stupid then i blocked him

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Final score:

9points

SADEY WHEELER

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this isn't really a comeback, but i love it

I had to deal with a really mean girl in school. She went out of her way to make fun of my rapping skills. One day she said that I'm not a rapper so stop. I looked at my BFF and she started to beat-box. I then said,

" Talk to the hand cause the face ain't listenin'
I really don't care so stop on pissin'
Do u really think ur the boss of me? oh wow
Ur just jealous cause u don't have the know how
*bell rings*
Oh did u hear that its time for class
But before u go, F*ck of my ass!

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Final score:

9points

Phoenix

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"Thou loggerheaded long-tongued hedge-pig!"

-Shakespeare

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Final score:

9points

starsailor (they/he)

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When my aunt died at 40 i didn't went to school because it was awfull. I was back to school the saturday of her ceremony (i live in France, we had saturday school at morning, and my mum who was a teacher thought that it was better to return to scool that day because it was sport and technology). The technology teacher teased me the entire class(you lost your boyfriend it is cool...don't be sad....). I was brave, then he sayed "you are going to do an intership to be a hairdresser?" because i was pulling aside the mermaid hair of my friend..... "NO SIR, I WILL DO A TECHNOLOGY INTERNSHIP TO BECOME A TOTAL IDIOT" . I don't have an once of regreat in myself, it was well deserved.

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Final score:

9points

cassiushumanmother

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I posted a nice photo of my mom from when she was a model in her younger days. Some mouth breather commented "I just ****** *** to this". I responded: "Thank you for taking 30 seconds out of your day."

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Final score:

9points

kate h

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Ran into an ex at a night club he was being all creepyq. My friend and I were leaving to go to another club and he grabbed my hand and said "What are you doing later tonight?". My response was "Not you!", and walked out.

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Final score:

9points

Marlene James

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My friend and I were in town years ago, when she saw a girl who lived on her street. This girl was always with a group of friends and always took great pleasure of taking anybody down with her mean comments and relished the pleasure of having her entourage to back her up. She was also one of these girls who always had a boyfriend. My friend had never had one at this stage (we were all teenagers at the time) and this girl for no reason said to my friend "aw still not got a boyfriend? Well I guess you better get used to it, after all they're too busy going out with me." My friend looked crestfallen so I just said so loudly so every one could hear, "Of course all boys will go out with her. You see, most boys love a bargain and keeping things simple, so rather than go out with someone classy and and worth so much more like you, they go out with someone cheap and easy like her." Even the girl's little gang laughed as her face went bright red. Best of all it made my friend smile.

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Final score:

9points

IlovemydogShilo

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I said something body-shaming and about how weird I was and my best friend said “ people that are different or just better than everyone else.” - Scarlett 2020 😂

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Final score:

8points

moonstone_plays

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I know my rights and you should know them too.

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Final score:

8points

Aj Grimes (he/him)

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So there was this guy that had the locker next to mine but he had a mirror in his locker and always checked it between classes, so I asked him about it and he said in a mean way, " To see how I look!" and I said If you wanna see yourself just lift up a horse's tail! His face was so red! LOL XD

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Final score:

8points

Person

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Doing karaoke with some girls from school in eighth grade and this girl sings the song 'Hello'. Afterwards says: "Wow I didn't know I knew all the right words!" So badly wanted to say, "Too bad you didn't know the notes."

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Final score:

8points

Emilingo

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Does a physical response count? Well my BFF who live in Texas is a third-degree black belt. This guy was making fun of her for how thin she was. She proceeded to warn him about not making fun of people. He continued. She broke his leg.

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Final score:

8points

Bliss

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Ok well it's not a comeback, but my friend asked me if I wanted a sucker and I said "No, I don't wanna sucker I wanna suck you."
I thought I said it in my head...

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Final score:

7points

Person

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a simple and straight forward

fuck off

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Final score:

7points

Jayme Lowit

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Oh we were doing Shakespeare in class, our teacher made a PowerPoint all about Shakespearean insults (they're all really good) one of them was HAGSEED. It was so funny. I guess it's because witches were a big thing around then, and were often called hags. I guess the seed means child, so 'child of a witch' maybe? HAGSEED sounds funny ho, I use it wayy too much. Lol 🤣

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Final score:

7points

Blinding_Darkness

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Did you know that when you go outside it’s considered littering? -me

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Final score:

7points

BoredDragon

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An a**hole in my class made fun of me for being short. I'm taller than him, and I replied accordingly. He never talked to me again.

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Final score:

7points

jaz

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“I do desire we may be better strangers.” - Shakespeare

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Final score:

7points

Rainbowskull13 (she/her)

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Once insulted a friend as a joke, and he responded with; "Oh Yeah? Well, you're so unlikeable that NationWide isn't on your side." Kudos to that guy.

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Final score:

7points

ThatOnePerson

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But, did I ask?

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Final score:

6points

Ana

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All throughout Elementary School this kid called me toaster (Literally just cuz he didn't know my name eventually my dad scared the sh*t outta him tho and he stopped but it was still a joke between us) So one day He goes "Sup' Toaster" and me knowing he probably had a crush on me or something cuz thats how middle school boys act, said "Oh Hey Toaster Pastry" And he looked at me and goes "Don't those go inside-" And I just stood there watching as his face got super red and he just kinda walked away. we were still friends tho. Later he even admitted that he probably would have had a crush on me if my dad hadn't scared him so bad. Which i'm glad he didnt like me. Since I couldn't like him.

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Final score:

6points

MustardLemon

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Whenever someone starts complaining about something stupid, I say, “here’s the problem, it’s not my problem”.

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Final score:

6points

David Jones

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Not so exciting but: My brother casually talking and saying something is awful.
Me: Your awful

We do this all the time, I just casually roast him while he is talking to me. Not good roasts mind you.

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Final score:

6points

Idk Katniss Potter

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Had a person go on an angry tirade at me. Just said, "Do you feel better now?" Smiled kindly and walked away.

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Final score:

6points

Zophra

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Not mine, but a quote from a book:

"If you thought I was an a**hole at 5 years old, think of what a fantastic b**ch I am now."
Also, not sure if it counts as a comeback, but still.

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Final score:

5points

Lady Artemis

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Some asked why I didn't like there sex. I said

"Who wants to date you?"

They had no reply. #Mr.lonely

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Final score:

5points

Happy Days

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There are 10, 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 particles in the universe that we can observe...
Your momma took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd!

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Final score:

5points

A

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I was admin of my college whatsapp group and like any local/national leader, me and my fellow admins were supported and sleazed a lot. There were times, people randomly added me into a group so they could curse me. The reason for that was my anti sleazing/abusing code, so anyone who abused in group,i will temporarily kick them out. They could ask for an invite again in a week or so.But usually they will dm me with all their abuses, so i banned them permanently from my account.So there was this newbie who joined the group and started using Fs, Ns and MFs. I asked him to stop. He was like "Ke kar lega" or what can you do? My co admin replied.. "He will do that thing after which you will dm him with abusive rubbish, and he will block you with a laughing emoji" i.e For this stupid shit, he will be temporarily kicked, but he will backfire and get permanently banned.
He shut up and never used these words again in course of 3 years.

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Final score:

5points

A. B

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One more from my whatsapp group. Apparently *i will f*** your mom* or i did it, is a very common abuse here. But it is very abrasive as well. So one day, these two guys were sqabbling i will... Your mom, i will...your sister. My coadmin got the report, and before kicking them out said, "ask your grandmother who your grandpa was?"
We still laugh at this one, even today though that admin was kicked by teachers himself later on.

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Final score:

5points

A. B

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One girl tells me: "You're so fat you don't even need to wear belts." Lift my shirt up enough for her to see I am wearing a belt. "You're not wearing a belt." I don't know why she thought weight had anything to do with belts though.

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Final score:

5points

Emilingo

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When someone’s excuse is that someone else told them to do something
“(Name) can go snort a bucket of worms for all I care”
Also any other WoF comeback or insult, like “go suck a lime”

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Final score:

5points

Yes, I’m a Bookworm (she/they)

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Hi King Leonidas here. Back in the day this stroppy bloke popped by saying something about ‘If you don’t surrender, yadda yadda yadda’. So, I just said ‘IF!’. Still makes me chuckle every time. Oh, I also kicked that bloke down a flipping deep well.

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Final score:

5points

Steve Barnett

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when people call me motherf**ker my response is "yep your right i am. as i do have kids so i must be"

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Final score:

5points

Billy The Kid

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Freind: "That's such an old roast!"
Me: "Well I cant belive you still get roasted by that since you consider it as a "roast""

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Final score:

5points

Jing Gu

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To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep that could outsmart you. I've worn dresses that have higher IQ's than you.

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Final score:

5points

Anne Wood

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So my pfp on on of my social medias is an angry emoji😡😡and one of my friend was like, raven, no offense but when i look at ur pfp it makes me think ur mad ALL of the time.'
so i said: 'well ur pfp is a picture of you so i guess that ugliness is permanent'.

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Final score:

5points

Raven

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I'm watching "What's Up, Doc?" starring Barbara Streisand...

B.S. (seductively): "Has anyone ever told you that you are very, very handsome?"
Jerk: "Well, actually, no."
B.S. (w/attitude): "And they never will."

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Final score:

5points

TheAnimalLady

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Well, first of all, the worst comeback EVER is killing 'them' with kindness. "I couldn't be happier right now. For the first time in my life, a girl told me that she loves me." Someone replies with " Aren't moms great?"... I'm just like daaaannnnng ROTFLMAO. Someone says "When I die, I want my epitaph to read: "Mistakes were made" " Someone replies with " Wasn't that already on your birth certificate?"... Okay i got a couple more... "Maybe it's not about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something new..." Someone replies with " That's why you have a little brother" and last but not least " Single (noun) A man who makes jokes about women in kitchens" reply-"Stupid (adjective) Women who think single is a noun." Okay sorry I have one more... " This song does things to me that my girlfriend can't do." "that's because this song is real, while your girlfriend isn't."

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Final score:

5points

Your.New.Husband

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literally everything said on twitter that has been featured in a bored panda article.

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Final score:

4points

.

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Several years ago i met an American family visiting Brugges (Belgium) and we had a little talk. On a moment the son of the American family said: without us Americans we would all speak german in Europe (funny, because i am actually German but live in Belgium). And my wife replied, as kind as she can be: without us Europeans, Asians and Africans there would not be any Americans.

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Final score:

4points

Stefan Jäger

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This was kind of a double punch in the face to me.

"No one like me" -Me
"That is the most true thing I have ever heard you say" -Kid sitting next to me.

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Final score:

4points

rgr8

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I was going into a local village post office/shop and there were several boys standing outside, being loud and obnoxious and making comments to older folks going in. They were young 12-14, seemed harmless, but some of the older folks passing seemed nervous.
After thinking quickly, I approached the shop and the most vocal boys started making loud comments at me.
I look at him and said "Oh dear, have you gone off your meds?"
He said "What! What do you mean meds."
I said " ’Your medication’, nothing to be ashamed of lots of people your age need to take medication to control themselves." I looked at his friends and told them "to take him home as him mom needed to give him more medication now."
His friends started laughing hysterically. The boys kept insisting he didn't take any medication.
I said “Yes dear, whatever you say but you may need to go home and take more now." I smiled at him and went into the shop.
That ended the adult-baiting for the day and everyone got a laugh, even the boy I talked to was laughing when I left the shop.

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Final score:

4points

KatLurkin

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So onetime my sister and I were arguing. She decided to say, well your adopted, trying to be mean. My response was, well at least they wanted me.

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Final score:

4points

CharlieKaye

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A few years ago, I moved from South America to the Netherlands, and although I love this country and people are simply amazing; sometimes I could get ‘jokes’ about cultural differences.

Usually, Dutch people have sandwiches for lunch, which I found nice and practical. However, in my country, we typically eat a warm meal.

During my first week at the office, I decided to bring some food from my country. While I was warming up my food, an ex-colleague who wanted to be ‘funny’ commented: What’s that? Is that from your country? It looks like dog food.

And I replied: Well, it looks like that cause I prepared it with your local ingredients.

Although I’m not extremely proud of my reaction, he never commented back.

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Final score:

3points

Luna

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Well once there was this girl who thought she was better than everybody. Wrote a poem about depression. I wish I'd said "Thanks now let me rewrite it legibly then you can see what happiness looks like."

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Final score:

2points

Emilingo

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My brothers and sisters and I were sitting around bullshitting and throwing out insults with each other, one brother made a joke about my sister selling herself on the street corner. My other brother said that because of her age she would have to have a half price sale. Then I said "How do you split a quarter in half?" and if looks could kill, this would be a memorial to me.

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Final score:

2points

Kiss Army

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"Are you just talking to your reflection or....?" Mine, in response to insult

"Haha, that's funny! I was going to say the same thing about you!" A movie, I guess it doesn't count but I thought it was a good one.

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Final score:

2points

Creepie Clownie

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So one time I was in debate, I was on the cat team (no offense dog lovers ) then I said "sometimes you misunderstand cats" then the dog team said, "That's cause they are hard to read, and therefore, dogs are better than cats." Then my friend said, "No that's just cause you are stupid."

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Final score:

2points

Jing Gu

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One time this super annoying guy in my class LEGIT ASKED ME, "Is there such a thing as 0.1???" So my comeback was, "Yes, and there's also such a thing as stupid people, and I'm looking at one right now. Everyone started laughing and basically treating me like a savage queen the rest of the day. It was EPIC

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Final score:

2points

Pansexual Froggo

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so, I said something to my little sister and she responded, "I know you are but what am I?"
I said back to her, "bad at comebacks."
not the best one ever but I'm proud of it.

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Final score:

2points

null

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This isn’t really a come back but it’s funny
A guy I hated told me this.
Him:Look knows ur keyboard... it says u and I together
Me: underneath it says jk
He got the line from a popular meme, unlucky for him, I had seen the meme also, 😂

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Final score:

2points

Bliss

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Someone told me that I was ugly but I told her back that I was not a mirror that shut her up for the rest of the school year

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Final score:

2points

Roxy

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We were driving with my dad and he had to merge with traffic really quick (it wasn’t his fault it’s just how the freeway was built). He kind of cuts this lady off and she drove past us and gave my dad the finger. He just smiled and waved as we drove off laughing.
FYI — she was driving a little car and we were in a Ford F-250. It just made it funnier.

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Final score:

2points

Isabella Vega

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A friend was being mean, and he said what he though and how important that was..
I kept quiet till he finished,.. and then told him ""Thinking does not look good on you, please dont do that again...and i walked away

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Final score:

2points

Shykkxs

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Anytime Zendaya disses me

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Final score:

1point

TheRealTomHolland

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To your question..
"I am not a panda.. I am a BEAR! ".
(Add lazy panda to hulk level panda animation.)

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Final score:

1point

A. B

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