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138submissions
Finished
Hey Pandas, What Would Be The Opening Line Of Your Memoir Or Autobiography?
– Imagine that you are sharing your life story.
– Submit a single sentence meant to make your audience want to read more.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
I was the first in our group to kiss a boy, Louise was the first to get married, and Mary was the first to be murdered by an enraged jealous husband and buried in the back garden under a selection of concrete animal statues
Final score:
37points
#3
"For the better part of my childhood, my professional aspirations were simple–I wanted to be an intergalactic princess."
Final score:
25points
#4
First things first; f**k you for not paying the full price for my book.
Final score:
23points
#5
I would like to apologize in advance-
Final score:
22points
#6
This is the story of all about how my life got flip-turned upside down, And I'd like to take a minute,
just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the hot mess you see here.
Final score:
21points
#7
Liked by everybody but loved by nobody
Final score:
20points
#8
This is how I got a felony over a big Mac and a midget stripper.
Final score:
19points
#9
Don’t let this happen to you
Final score:
16points
#10
I've been called many things, but I have never been called an author.
Final score:
16points
NoiraLOL (Submission author) 2 years ago
OR maybe something like "I once got three likes on Bored Panda" OR "I was born at a very early age." What do you think?
#12
I can't believe I lived long enough to have a life story to share.
Final score:
12points
Jette Wang Wahnon 2 years ago
Well,Anne Frank was only 15 and left a pretty poignant story which can find an echo in the Now-a-days...
#13
It's all going to make sense in the end.
Final score:
12points
#14
Welcome to my long list of embarrassments and regrets.
Final score:
11points
#15
It was f*****g hot that day, my aunt told me.
Final score:
10points
#16
No one connected the child's birth to the gypsy woman's curse that was cast last year.
Final score:
10points
#17
I didn't know it at the time growing up, but i'm pretty sure my life was a shitshow from the start. I once read souls upstairs can pick their next reincarnated life, and know the reason why they want that life with those people. If that's true, someone needed to stop me and slap me upside the head.
Final score:
10points
#20
To annoy and distract, that was my purpose.
Final score:
7points
#21
If I answer your question, you have to promise me that we’re in this together.
Final score:
7points
#22
So many times I thought I’d reached bottom and then it turned out I was wrong .
Final score:
7points
#23
"A tale of love. A tale of tragedy. A tale of shoving fistfuls of shredded cheese into your mouth at 2 in the morning. This is the story of the life Tessa lived."
Final score:
7points
#24
It was dark and it was raining, but I knew where I was going.
Final score:
6points
#25
If she was trying to boast she would say she spent hours studying astronomy but the moment you left she would resume her youtube video about the universe while also scrolling through bored panda.
Final score:
6points
#26
I always knew my mother hated me and it took me until I turned 16 for the feeling to become mutual. That was the year that my sister and I decided that she and her pervert boyfriend should die so we poisoned them.
Final score:
6points
#27
There is a lot of fish in the sea, but a lot of trash too. A lot of trash in general.
Final score:
6points
#28
On the advice of my lawyers, I will attempt to explain my side of the story, with any any omissions protected by the fifth amendment.
Final score:
6points
#29
Nan had a strong back, she carried me on it for most of her life
Final score:
5points
#30
before we get to the content I wsnt to talk about today's sponsor...
Final score:
5points
#31
Procrastination has impacted my life in many ways such as
Final score:
5points
#34
Someone once said, "The only way to fail, is by giving up."
Final score:
4points
#36
If you’re reading this you must be either a very lonely person or somebody is forcing you- either way, I’m sorry for you.
Final score:
4points
#37
Born lost; never found her way.
Final score:
4points
#38
I left a class once because they wanted us to explore our emotions.
Final score:
4points
#39
Chapter one: me and a boob. The beginning of a long love story.
Final score:
4points
#40
My life resembles a bunch of mixed up game pieces in an old monopoly box, it's a mess.
Final score:
4points
DDmaybeandor 2 years ago
This is a good start. How about, “You might ask how a pink Barbie shoe, domino, and small ball of hair got mixed into this bedraggled Monopoly box I call ‘Life’, but only because you don’t know me yet.”
#41
Are you sitting comfortably? Good, then I'll begin....
Final score:
4points
#42
just letting you know before you continue reading, this book is going to be filled with a bunch of immature crap about butts and farts because that's the kind of little s**t you're reading about
Final score:
4points
#43
This is the space everyone has made for me in their lives! (6 feet under!)
Final score:
3points
#44
Well, the cat just climbed up and smooshed my face so I guess that's a good sign.
Final score:
3points
#45
the sister series to "a series of unfortunate events."
Final score:
3points
#46
"The story of a useless person in society"
Final score:
3points
#47
It's difficult to live your life in a closet when the closet door is made of glass...
Final score:
3points
#49
Nothing was ever as it appeared to be.
Final score:
2points
#51
Mom, Dad, maybe you should have left me the f**k alone and let me be on the internet without you looking through my history.
Final score:
2points
#53
I have experienced 45-degree Celsius heat (at least it was a dry heat) and wind chill of 50 below, I have experienced several earthquakes, I have driven through tropical storms, I have seen a tornado, I have nearly been run over by a snowplow, I have escaped a psychotic Irish setter and his even more psycho owner, I have seen kittens get born, I have gotten gutter-wallowing drunk, I have eaten till I felt as though I would burst, I have been so thirsty that I would guzzle megabrewed Lite beer, I have driven across North America numerous times, I have drunk well over 10,000 different varieties of beer - in short, have I lived or not?
Final score:
2points
#54
She was the biggest weirdo I ever met.
-My best friends colaberating to write this
Final score:
2points
#55
I was the only redhead in my family.
Final score:
2points
HarriMissesScotland 2 years ago
You could be in my family. Out of 15 kids, 14 were redheads. Found a new redheaded cousin on Ancestry. I am The only blonde.
#56
That Katie, she thought she was funny bless her heart.
Final score:
2points
#57
My sister and I were born on February 7th into the loving arms of Kayla ****. We were in Nicu for a week before going home. But we didn't go the same home. This is the story on how I was separated from my twin sister for 15 years and how its affected my everyday life.
Final score:
2points
thee1nonlykRiS 2 years ago
I'm an identical twin & I couldn't ever imagine this reality you've lived. So very sorry for the pain this caused the 2 of you. Sending you both virtual hugs & positive vibes!
#58
If you are to read this, take what you think normal and throw it out of the window. There is no normal. There is no perfect. Even if there was, I am nowhere near that door.
Final score:
2points
#60
Some said I wasn’t normal they some called me odd a few called me downright evil and those few were right.
Final score:
2points
#61
Failure is most definitely an option. It it why I'm still here, for better or for worse.
Final score:
2points
#63
I know what you are thinking was it horrible, yes it was I am now going to make it your problem.
Final score:
2points
#65
Well, I made it to 20 which is more than everyone (including myself) thought I would make it to
Final score:
2points
#66
is your life a train wreck? well you'll feel better when you hear about my life :)
Final score:
2points
#67
So obviously, i F**ked up somehow for you to be reading this
Final score:
2points
#68
And her journey through the dark world of idiots now begins here
Final score:
2points
#69
We must first establish that the time tested rule that states"If anything Can Go Wrong, It Will", is the theme. Now, let's wait and see what happens. "Hmm. Oh no, oh dear, oh not that, o God what have I done?" were her last words, many times, in many lives.
Final score:
2points
#70
My Autobiography or "How not to end up serving as a warning to others in several easy steps. "
Final score:
2points
#71
I am the character that causes you to scream at the screen, yell at them not to do that.
Final score:
2points
#72
You may be wondering why I've gathered you all here today
Final score:
2points
#73
I gave my mother problems from the moment of conception.
Final score:
2points
#74
I have always been the strong weed that grows in the garden of society, the one that grows back every time it is ripped up by the roots, sprayed with poison, or burned - and I am tired of never being allowed to bloom.
Final score:
2points
#75
Everyone said I had a lot of potential. Everyone was dead wrong.
Final score:
2points
#76
hey there, you're probably wondering how i got here.
Final score:
1point
#77
most of her family, especially those who knew her in her youth, would be surprised that she was looking forward to her 65th birthday, never understanding how she survived life, not to mention her impulsive decisions.
Final score:
1point
#81
Life started on a snowy day in Feb and this is where it went from that...
Final score:
1point
#82
my mom always said the peonies in our front yard bloomer the day i was born.
Final score:
1point
#83
Well you could say it all started when 2 people got very drunk and decided to have sex....
Final score:
1point
#84
Not a whole lot happened in my life (and I'm surprised that I'm writing this) but I thought you might want to read it anyway. I haven't had a first kiss (or said more to a boy my age than 'hi' in the past few months) and I haven't had any huge self-discoveries (other than that I'm pretty good at lying), but I have had a happy life. I've lived, and for me, that's enough. Anyhow, I hope you enjoy everything! *Not part of the opening* I do have a journal I've been keeping since September of 2020, and maybe I'll publish it sometime in the future. It's pretty boring, but it's what's happened in my life, and I'm happy I've kept track of it.
Final score:
1point
#85
as you may expect, this is a story of how I died....internally, on the outside I'm doin great-ish. But anyways, I die a slow and painful death, like most people my cliff diving skills, don't exactly succeed first try without trying, but my self esteem decided to give it a whirl.
Final score:
1point
Meridith (Submission author) 2 years ago (edited)
training* (instead of trying) [it's late here I'm tired]
#88
This is the story of a stupid human who thought they might achieve something in life.
Final score:
1point
#93
You gotta believe me when I say I'm absolutely, 100%, batshit crazy. But everything in this book is true.
Final score:
1point
#94
What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. Allow me to explain via my life.
Final score:
1point
#95
A boys life, at 4 yrs father's drunken every night,bare mattress no diapers, whipped to near death for peeing my bed.
Final score:
1point
#96
If you like a happy ever after sort of ending, this book is not for you.
Final score:
1point
#98
To the surprise of everyone, especially myself - I am still alive ...
Final score:
1point
#100
The clairvoyant told my mother
I see a son, he’s into cars, but he should never buy a blue one, he’ll get divorced and tell him NEVER to wear a uniform.
Final score:
1point
#102
I won’t bore you with my childhood prior to seventh grade cause that is really were it started; pucking in the sink in science class.
Final score:
1point
#103
Hello and welcome. Here is the story of the interesting parts of my life. I assure you, it will be very short.
Final score:
1point
#106
You should never say "what else could go wrong" because sure as s**t something will.
Final score:
1point
#108
When I was 9 our cat caught fire.
Final score:
1point
#109
Dying was not something I did often, so of course I took the opportunity to capitalize on it.
Final score:
1point
#110
Hey. Hey, you! We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty
Final score:
1point
#111
This is the story of my life, how it sucked, and how it ended. Quick tip: Don't be like me, or your life will suck just as much.
Final score:
1point
#112
She came, she saw , she moved. I have moved 51 times in my life and have yet to feel at home.
Final score:
1point
#115
Listen, I wouldn’t describe myself as quirky but… there is definitely something wrong with me.
Final score:
1point
#118
I don't even know what I'm going to write. All I know it this'll be weird
Final score:
1point
#120
“I’m the most evil and selfish human to ever live on this planet!”
Final score:
0points
#121
If you need a drink to make it through it, I won’t blame you. If you need to put it down before you can pick it up again, I won’t blame you. If you can’t make it through all of it, I won’t blame you. I lived it; trust me I know how f*cked up this entire thing is.
More than one line but the most poignant part of the warning at the beginning of me telling my story.
Final score:
0points
#122
My mother’s wedding night was a threesome: My mother, father, and Joe, an Episcopal priest, who was my father’s favorite lover.
Final score:
0points
#124
Suicide is a pretty shitty way to die, take it from me. This is gonna be a mess so grab your drink and a cat and buckle up.
Final score:
0points
#125
There was once this girl who binge-watched all 3 Mighty Ducks movies, lemme tell you, she then started scaring all the people around her to hell.
Final score:
0points
#126
Some girls go to college after high school graduation. Some go to the stage, wearing a lacy g string.
Final score:
0points
#127
My dead best friend, whom I still refer to as “Chair”, tried to get me to join him, but instead we still make our mischief together here, where it really counts.
Final score:
0points
#128
This is NOT how I imagined my life would turn out to be...
Final score:
0points
#129
No, I am not the DJ and get your f#%king drink away from my console!
Final score:
0points
#130
Fortunately it was not a bad day to be a dog.
Unfortunately I was a vet assistant and thusly not a dog.
Final score:
0points
#131
"I'm okay", I would say to the stranger in the mirror; each time hoping that i would recognize her, and each time hoping that she would believe me.
Final score:
0points
#132
Dear readers, by the time you read this, I will probably be floating in space, and if purple wasn't stupid enough to protect his friend even though he was clearly an Imposter.
Final score:
0points
#133
get ready to hear the most normal and scientifically average life story you've ever heard... if you are worried about being bored, don't worry. I lived the thing, and even I was pretty bored.
Final score:
0points
#135
If you are reading this I am probably dead. Most likely killed by a vengeful soul or my best friend trying to shove extra cheesy cheez its down my throat.
Final score:
0points
#136
Warning you are about to experience an insane amount of graphic stupidity and second hand embarassment
Final score:
0points
#137
needless to say, I led a very pathetic life. There were many reasons why. including.....
Final score:
-1point
What do you think ?
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