Not that witty but just happened like 30min ago.
(And i need to rant)
Backstory: I found out over 6monts ago that my ex(we broke up over 2 years ago) had cheated on me with his ex before me. The "other" woman told me to get revenge on my ex in some way .I didn't even get mad as it was ancient history by then to me and told the woman that im not interested in talking about it with her or anybody and not to bother me anymore.
Fast forward to today!
I work in a store in a mall and have a good view of the surrounding area. Almost an hour ago I saw the woman standing ferly far away in a shadowy area staring at me for about 15min. Then she comes in the store to tell me how I hurt her felling's when i told her i didn't want to talk to her or want her to contact me. And apparently i should apologize. I calmly in my customer service voice and manner as she was any random customer told her that i can not talk about this subject at work nor do i want to outside of work and just stared at her blankly until she left.

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Final score:

6points

Mis Stake she/her 🇫🇮🇬🇧

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I'd challenge you to a battle of wits, but you're unarmed.

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Final score:

5points

Someone

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Guy I used to work with to another co-worker: “I’ll give you $500 if you hit that guy” meaning me.
Me: “How about I knock you out for free?”

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Final score:

5points

JustinTime

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my family and i were playing Rummy, and for those who don’t know, if you get caught with a joker in your hand, you get 13 points, and points are bad,
so my dad goes “i hope your mom gets stuck with a joker,” and without any thought, i say “she did”
(my dad. he makes lots of jokes. my dad was the joker. )

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Final score:

5points

DustTea (she/her)

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Heard this one from BP: Croatia will be a nuclear power before [something] happens

Also I have this to reply instead of saying 'who asked':
Your father will come back before I find out who asked

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Final score:

4points

IDidntChooseReality

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*someone says something mean*

wow! thanks for your opinion! now hold on a second while i find a *f**k* that i give

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Final score:

4points

Mike_the_nike

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Some a*****e decided to tell me my dad was wishing my mom wasn't pregnant.
My response: That's because they were about to have you.

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Final score:

3points

Axle McDowal

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Care to borrow my chapstick? I'd like you to moisturize before you kiss my a*s.

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Final score:

3points

shawn mckinney

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Not mine, but my wife's. When someone misbehaves or says something bad, she always says:

"What have happened to you to become like this?"

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Final score:

3points

Rizzo

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I once had a guy with a .22 rifle threaten to "take me out bush, make me dig a hole and shoot me" my response was "I'm not digging the hole". He got so mad and kept threatening me but I kept responding "I'm not digging the hole" lol.
He was jealous about this girl I was seeing who lived on the neighbouring property (It was in Ballarat Vic, well a couple of towns over in the backwoods of VIC). The entire next day he was firing his gun on his property for my benefit

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Final score:

3points

Mickysixxx

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When someone said to me,"Your head is filled with s**t".
I said "That's why a pig like you keeps eating it".

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Final score:

3points

Isa

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The best come-backs are situational.

Such as, when the bossy bully b**ch that had been working at the company for about 14 years but was the same position as me (who had been there a year), but thought she ran the place, said to me 'You need to do as I say! I'm your senior!'. To which I replied, 'Darling, the only way you're senior to me is years since birth!'

I'm also fond of the simple confirmations.
'...Don't talk to me like I'm a c**t/idiot!'
'But... you ARE a c**t/idiot!'

'Do you think I'm Stupid?'
'Yes! I do!'

'Do I look stupid?'
'Is that a rhetorical question?'

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Final score:

2points

Donkey boi

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Well, I dated a guy who became incredibly paranoid about me cheating on him (context: we were together for about a month and he thought the fact that I enjoyed eating lunch by myself and not telling him where it was was really suspicious). Eventually I gave up and broke up with him. Since the beginning he had asked me if I could tell him if someday I fell in love with someone (which I thought was pretty dramatic since my mindset was like "I don't wanna be with anyone right now, but let's give it a shot"), but I said sure.
A few months later he ended up annoying me so bad that during an argument when he said "when we were together you promised me you would tell me the truth" I went like "well, good thing we're not together anymore".
I know it's not much, but it felt great to stop worrying if I was hurting him, since he had repeatedly hurt me for a year or so. The truth, though, (and I told him multiple times) was that I actually enjoyed my single comfort zone, but he never believed it, I guess

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Final score:

2points

Take me to dinner first

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(Somebody tries to argue with me about something that i really just do not care about.)
Hold on i gotta go stop wasting my time with you bye

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Final score:

2points

the one dude who likes cheese

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I am known for being a cheeky bugger who has an answer for everything. Can't give you my wittiest comeback but I cab give my proudest moment as a professional smart a**e. I work in a special assistance school and we have a lot of kids with behavioural problems. I had a new student who was getting cheeky and trying to shock me. One of the other kids in the class go "give it up, Micks got an answer" lol

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Final score:

2points

Mickysixxx

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To make this work you need some background information.
We have a thing called Courtesy Busses in Australia. They drive you home from the pub or club. Its customary and sometimes the rule that you give a gold coin donation ($1, $2) for the ride. Now with that information we can begin. I went to the local Bowling Club for a beer and ran into my friends (lets call him C) ex girlfriend lets call her T. Now I never liked T, for reasons we won't get into right now. Fast forward 15yrs. I never pretended to like her but this particular night she saw me at the club. She comes up to me and goes "Hey Mick, Guess what?" Me "ahh what" T says "I'm pregnant..........guess who's the father" I go "..........not C?" T laughs "haha no its the courtesy bus driver's " and I say quick as a whip "What didn't you have a gold coin donation?" Hahaha

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Final score:

2points

Mickysixxx

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Guy told me that the sport I do isn't a sport (Color Guard) then he goes on how he lost 10 lbs this week. I smiled and said "Try Color Guard! You'll lose some of that weight." FYI he has a lot of meat on his bones and does track. He has a higher chance of gaining double that weight he lost than losing double the wieght.

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Final score:

1point

Skyler_They/Them

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when someone says something rude about me;

thanks for the opinion that i never wanted OR thanks for your meaningless opinion (said with a hint of sarcasm)

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Final score:

1point

Mike_the_nike

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