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I want to clear this stigma around mental health and hear your story told. I want people to understand that mental health is essential. And I want people to be heard.
As a person with mental health problems, I want to hear others' stories about what they had to go through. Mental health is important, and I want to give a place for people to vent and tell their own stories.
However, to keep this area safe, I'm implementing rules:
1. No Politics except for when ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. If politics have caused an issue with mental health, you may mention it. But no political arguments.
2. No hate comments. This is a safe spot to talk about your story and be heard, not a place to be mean. ALL HATE COMMENTS WILL BE REPORTED.
3. No form of hate is given to people just because of who they are.
4. Please, for some people, place a warning sign about highly sensitive topics.
5. No drug dealing posts here or inappropriate comments and images. I've had this happen in previous posts. If this happens, YOU WILL BE REPORTED AND POSSIBLY BANNED FROM BORED PANDA!
6. This may be about yourself or someone close to you.
Now, my pandas, what is your experience with your or someone else's mental health disorders?
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
*This submission contains mention of SA, Suicide, Self Harm, and Abuse. If you are triggered by these, please don't read spots flagged with this symbol: //
When I was younger, I lived in a home with a deadbeat mother and constantly angry father. They would get into arguments, and mother was often the cause of angry behavior.
// My mother would not clean, and our house was a pigsty. She would lash out at my older brother, duct taping him on the wall, forcing him to drink soap, trying to abandon him places, and much, much, more. I witnessed multiple events of this happening, and I would stand there, frozen, and scared. I felt extremely guilty. My mother tried to live her life through me, sold multiple things we've owned to fuel her habit of careless giving and spending of what money we didn't have. She eventually kidnapped and then abandoned us when my father managed to get us. She was cheating on my father and apparently, she got worse after she abandoned us. //
My father got sole legal custody of us, and we're in a safer spot now. But later, in middle school, all my mental blocks against me started collapsing inside of me and falling apart. I started developing severe anxiety, and even paranoia. I could not sleep with my door locked, and being home alone made me carry a knife with me at all times. I also developed severe depression, and my grades, my hygiene, my sanity, my self control, my ability to handle being touched, and my general ability to even do things just plummeted. I was having hallucinations.
// I started having thoughts of ending my life, feeling that nobody cared about me, and I developed an eating disorder and started ingesting harmful objects, but not enough to do serious harm. I couldn't do my homework as my brain just failed me and I couldn't do anything. Anxiety caused me to be scared of everything and anything, and I couldn't relax in the slightest. I started screaming and shouting in class, and purposely causing distractions so that somebody would notice, hear me, instead of abandoning me to my demons. But I had to hide that I'm not fine. I would start writing suicidal letters and letters of goodbyes, and I'd try to make a noose, because I couldn't sleep and wanted it all to end. I'd choke myself with ribbons, my sweatshirt, my ID, anything I could get my hands on. I finally managed to get it out that I was depressed when I started quitting everything I loved. //
I went to the mental hospital twice, where they incorrectly diagnosed me with an anger disorder, and correctly diagnosed me with MDD, PSD, SAD, and GAD. I had to go through multiple medications and strengths, but it wouldn't improve.
// Eventually, I finally let out my darkest secret and got more support for that, and I started to drastically improve; my brother would frequently SA me and force me down, and no matter how hard I fought, he would still prevail. In his anger at me being the favorite child, he SA'd me over 100 times, and he'd attack me. He'd scream at me, attack me if I didn't do anything his way or correctly, and he took away my innocence. He got arrested, and justice was done, and all because my father believed me. //
Things have been done to keep my family safe and secure. There are cameras around the house, and things are locked up. I got therapy, and now have my depression at a manageable level and still have some old habits to fight. I occasionally have relapses, but I've grown stronger after it, not because of it. I basically fought for my life and dealt with scars. I hope that nobody has to go through my pain everyday, and I'd never wish severe depression on someone; it's soul crippling.
Thanks for letting me talk about this. I hope you are doing alright. I love you pandas!
Final score:
24points
#2
My depression & anxiety problems started because of introvert personality. I have very few close friends. I don't really have a family & For many years my friends were around me so I felt normal. But eventually they got busy with their lives (family, marriage, boyfriend etc). Can't blame them, they have their own lives.
I tried making new friends but who wants to be friends with a boring introvert. I immersed myself in work during covid time & that kept me busy but eventually started getting anxiety attacks & palpitations.
Went for therapy & was diagnosed with severe depression as I have lost all self worth & gone into self loathing. I kept blaming myself for everything & started hating myself for being an introvert & fear of losing my few friends.
Therapy & medication initially helped but I hit a plateau.
I still don't feel good about myself. Sometimes I want to disappear. I have gone into self isolation . I haven't met my friends cause I don't want to spoil their mood again with nonsense going in my head right now. From a casual smoker I have become a chain smoker & have social anxiety now.
Things are better than they were a year ago but can't figure out how to feel normal & happy again. I know I have to do it on my own but it's easier said than done
Thanks for letting me rant
Final score:
13points
Leo Domitrix 1 year ago
We're here. And you don't have to do it on your own. If you can't find free help, there's always your fellow pandas to keep you company.
Lil Miss Hobbit 1 year ago
Hey, I'll be your friend.🤗 I'm also a boring introvert that struggles with depression.
#3
I don't have it that bad, but mine work together to cause havoc. I've been diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and sensory processing disorder, so it's pretty much the unholy trinity. This is how stuff goes:
Shirt feels weird. I can't stop thinking about the shirt. I am now unable to do anything with full effort because of the shirt. That guy looks suspicious, why is he looking at me. The class I'm in right now didn't have working speakers during the lockdown drill, what if someone comes in and we don't know? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY IS THIS SHIRT SO ITCHY?!?!?!
Everything is fine :)
Final score:
12points
just a girl who loves books 1 year ago
oh my gosh im the exact same! also i love your username
#4
I was raised by a narcissist for a mother but I love my dad. I didn’t even realize I might have depression until I was in my 20’s and later than that did I realize anxiety was having around with me living in a state of constant hyper awareness. I see that I now have unhealthy relationship with food and have been diagnosed with Binge eating. One of the best feelings was realizing my doctor believed me and want to make sure I have the right medication for me (for my depression and anxiety). I started therapy recently and it has been so emotionally difficult but so helpful in a variety of ways I wasn’t expecting. Slowly I’m beginning to build confidence in the way I look and learn to take care of myself physically and emotionally. I’ve still got a long way to go but now I can see more of my negative internal dialog even if I don’t have the strength to challenge it. Thank you for being a space to speak out about these things~ If you made it to here please know I at least have love for you even if you’re working on loving yourself ❤️
Final score:
10points
Marinasongs1432 1 year ago
Oh no! The cursed triple post glitch! But I'm so glad you're alright. I send you a virtual hug!
#5
[Trigger warning for mentions of self harm, eating disorders, and wanting to commit suicide] I have been depressed for about eight or nine years, and it started when I lost my great grandmother who I loved dearly, and after she passed away I became a shell of who I used to be, I stopped caring about most things, and I started to wish that I could simply stop being alive anymore. A while ago my classmate made a rude comment about my weight, and it made me realize that people think I look fat, and it caused me to not eat anything, then I gradually became skinnier and skinnier, and it has made me feel tired all the time, and I barely have any energy to do anything, and I have punched an ice covered snow bank and made my fists bleed, and I enjoyed it and I have wanted to commit suicide for a while now but the thought disturbs me.
Final score:
10points
Lil Miss Hobbit 1 year ago
Hey, you've got this! Keep holding on. You are wonderful as you are. And you are going to be okay. One step at a time.
#6
It's NORMAL and HEALTHY to get PTSD from horrible things, and kinda insane *not to*. So if you're not okay with something? You can't "let it go"? You're not the crazy one. We all have a different resilience mentally/emotionally. Sometimes, that rubber band resilience is exhausted, and sometimes, it isn't. We're each unique in how that plays out.
Diagnosed PTSD, heavy on the suicidal depression (AKA my inner abyss), had no pre-trauma life, but I've had a pretty good post-trauma one, and I never imagined that psosible... yet here I am. Bad days? Yes. Bad weeks? Yes. Bad life? No.
Final score:
10points
JoTheLizard 1 year ago
Thank you so much I am currently going through the same situation and feel so alone
#7
I'm just going to put mine on here to remind others that your life doesn't need to be traumatic for you to have "valid" mental health issues. It's valid, no matter the cause.
//WARNING: might cause triggers if you have depression or have been suicidal.//
I have the best family. They've always supported me.
About two years ago my very best friend in the whole world started dating my brother. Which is amazing, because she's now my SIL, but is also a huge bummer because everything became about THEM.
All the things I did as a normal bestie became "so cute" and "so responsible" if he thought of them as a boyfriend. Like making sure she ate enough and got rest (she has a chronic illness).
I was lonely and frustrated. My family didn't notice...they were really caught up in the "romance" of the situation.
Not even I realized it was a problem until it had spiraled into anger, then anxiety, then depression, then self-hate, and finally suicidal thought.
At that point, I was too afraid to tell my family because I felt like a horrible person for feeling this way over something so "small."
Around that same time my Dad lost his job because of COVID and we had to move...to a totally different country. I got a lot worse but I didn't know what to do.
When we finally ended up settling somewhere and most of the daily stress was removed, I was finally able to face my issues and ask for help. My family recognized that I really wasn't okay, and they have supported me since then.
I did counseling/therapy lately, got a puppy, and things are a lot better now.
It still affects almost everything I do, like making new friends or setting boundaries with my brother and SIS still, but I know that if I take one step at a time, I will be okay.
I like to say sometimes: Jesus loves the broken ones best.
Because I think He does. He didn't come to save the perfect people, but for the ones who break hardest and most often.
Final score:
9points
Leo Domitrix 1 year ago
Wow, who'd say you "need trauma"? Nope! You were left out/behind. That's sh*tty. Big old safe hug to you.
#8
My disorder is Recurring Major Depression, which I've suffered from since I was a child. I am now 81. Problems? Repeated suicide attempts, repeated admissions to mental hospitals, 60 years of various antidepressants (some more effective than others), many therapists, becoming disabled due to the depression, and by far the hardest of all, working full time while raising 5 sons.
What I am grateful for? The support from, help, and understanding of my family, support of friends, and some truly talented therapists. Without these things, I would not have survived to have and enjoy the life I have now.
FYI, I am still taking antidepressants.
Final score:
9points
#9
⚠️This post contains depression,self harm,anxiety and sort of dissociation⚠️
So I’ve struggled for a long time with different things.With anxiety i am very emotional,I am very paranoid and have very bad thoughts about myself.Depression sort of comes with that,and those thoughts and those thoughts provoke feelings of hurting myself.I’ve cut and scratched myself before just to feel something and it’s horrible,keeping clean is hard but I’m trying to do it.Over time I started to dissociate,I’d space out or feel confused what I’ve done or when I did something without knowing and it’s kinda scary to feel because I’m not sure what hall
Final score:
8points
crowspectre (he/they) 1 year ago
Honestly this sounds a lot like me. Half of my SH is more just to bring me back to my senses and actually be present, and I dissociate a ton when I'm feeling down. I hope you feel better, I believe in you
#10
I've been suicidal since i was just 8 when my uncle r*ped me. Even before that my mother made it clear every day that she hated me and I ruined her life by being born and she should have had an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with me. I told her the next day what her brother had done to me and she told me that I obviously had forced him to do it to me. I begged her to call the police and she said that they wouldn't believe an 8 year old over 2 adults who said I was lying and I believed her. Then she beat me for telling her. Spent my childhood trying to avoid her. She was also an alcoholic and a drug user but hid it well and always treated my 3 sisters like princesses. My sister 2 years younger had the same father as me and 2 younger sisters had my stepdad. As my father was in the military and was never around when mother got pregnant again she found my stepdad and he was there for the pregnancy and the birth so he always treated her as she was his own. At 11 I babysat for a new family a couple of miles away. I was supposed to be spending the night but the dad made me incredibly uncomfortable. They both got home drunk, she went straight to bed and he sat on the sofa where I was trying to sleep and was making inappropriate suggestions towards me and I decided to leave and walk home. I got attacked and r*ped but it wasn't the dad, just a random person who saw me. Told mother but of course she was drunk and didn't believe me. Mother had gone to rehab again and so after being released 5 months later she was sober and saw that I hadn't written down the dates of when my period had started and stopped and I told her that I hadn't had a period in that 5 months so she took me to the doctor and I was 5 months pregnant. Just turned 12. She told me that I was never allowed to tell anyone because she would kill me and my baby. I believed her. She carried on abusing me and when I was 8 months pregnant I started getting stomach pains and she called an ambulance. I found out later she told everyone it was my appendix. I don't remember much about being in the hospital but I remember someone telling me to push and I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told I had a girl and asked to hold her. No because her parents were waiting for her to arrive. I didn't sign any adoption papers and I can't find anything about her. All I can assume is that my mother did the adoption under the table and there wasn't a paper trail for me to find. She is 37 now and I hope and pray she got great parents to love and care for her. Still hurts. After giving birth my mother relapsed and refused to talk about my baby and spent the last years of her life in and out of rehab. I left home at 15 because I was so damaged by her and also because of what I did between the age of 13 to 15. I'd go to pubs and nightclubs, no alcohol or drugs just s.e.x. Low estimate of how many guys I was with is 1000+. No self esteem lead to me doing it. It was attention that I needed from them. I'm 50 this year and I've got really bad mental health issues. Chronic depression, ptsd, social anxiety and multiple suicide attempts. So much awful things have happened in my life that I really wish my mother had aborted me. I am unable to work so on a tiny disability pension and struggling to pay my bills or eat. No one cares or wants to help. I'm so tired of fighting every day and just want to die
Final score:
7points
Latonia Davis 1 year ago
I love you. Even if no ever says it or tells you. I. Love. You. Your worth your weight in gold. Your beautiful and perfect. You deserve all the happiness you can take and I want you to know there is No. One. Like. You. - Your more precious than air and I love you everyday your still here.
#11
since the year began, i feel like my life is falling apart. like nothing is going right and im drifting from someone i thought was a good friend
Final score:
7points
#12
Since me and my ex broke up in November I suffer from night sweats even if I’m cold. Or some days I will shake so bad I can’t drive. Dinner with my parents who I should be 100% comfy with for no reason the shakes start. When I get a tight chest and lump in the throat is the worst though because I can’t eat or drink. It’s not made me an introvert I still see family and friends but some things I just can’t control.
Final score:
6points
Lil Miss Hobbit 1 year ago
You need to tell your family though.👍 Get some help if you can. When your mental stuff starts becoming physical stuff, it's pretty bad.
#13
I was raised by a narcissist for a mother but I love my dad. I didn’t even realize I might have depression until I was in my 20’s and later than that did I realize anxiety was having around with me living in a state of constant hyper awareness. I see that I now have unhealthy relationship with food and have been diagnosed with Binge eating. One of the best feelings was realizing my doctor believed me and want to make sure I have the right medication for me (for my depression and anxiety). I started therapy recently and it has been so emotionally difficult but so helpful in a variety of ways I wasn’t expecting. Slowly I’m beginning to build confidence in the way I look and learn to take care of myself physically and emotionally. I’ve still got a long way to go but now I can see more of my negative internal dialog even if I don’t have the strength to challenge it. Thank you for being a space to speak out about these things~ If you made it to here please know I at least have love for you even if you’re working on loving yourself ❤️
Final score:
5points
#14
I've been depressed and an insomniac for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD when I was around 10 or 11. I got diagnosed finally when I was in my 30's with ADHD. Below I will be talking about nervous breakdowns and forgiveness - I don't know if someone is going to get upset about that or not so that's the only warning I have.
Just posting up the trigger warnings for my childhood would be a paragraph all it's own. Not to mention I'd need a longer character limit to even cover part of my story. I also don't want to get into to many details in part because I've traumatized a couple of my friends who pushed to know what happened to me. The fact that I made it to 18 alive is a miracle. I still have some physical issues from what happened to me when I was a kid, though thankfully almost all of the scars have faded.
Nervous breakdowns are hard, they can be terrible, but there's a clarity that you can sometimes gain on the other side of it that helps see things in a way you hadn't looked at it before. I realized when I was in my early 20's that I was holding onto my trauma like a demented teddy bear which had taken root into me. I was letting everyone who had ever hurt me still have power over me. The Rage I had from all of the abuse was draining me and it felt like that's all I had. The demented teddy and the rage.
I realized I was holding onto my trauma because I afraid of what I would be without it. That. That right there, was the realization I came to when I came out of my 3rd nervous breakdown. How messed up was that that I was defining myself by the worst things that had happened to me? I was afraid to put down that demented teddy bear because what would I be without it. When I realized that I got pissed off.
Not the best way to go down the path of letting things go but defiantly a motivator. Forgiveness isn't just a religious thing. It also doesn't mean you forget, or poof the anger and rage are gone. It took me years to dig out every throne that demented teddy I'd been clinging to had buried in my skin. I put it down a long time ago but it follows me everywhere. There are times where it will cling to me again digging in and setting back my progress. I didn't forgive anyone for them - as far as I'm concerned they can all go F themselves. I did it for me. I did it as an outlet to let go of the anger. To let go of the rage. To free myself from what they did to me and break the chains of passing that pain to another generation.
I'm not saying any of this so anyone will hop of the forgiveness train - I would never say that is mandatory for anyone. It's just the path that works for me. Do I still get angry? Yes. Do I still have times where shove the truth down peoples throats? Yes. But I don't let any of that control me anymore and it hasn't for well over a decade.
I'm still clinically depressed and always will be. I still have triggers that if they get flipped it's going to be a bad week. I still have problems sleeping and hangs ups about weird stuff. But I've learned how to manage all of that. It'll never go away, just like that demented teddy is going to be following me around forever, but I give it a nice punt every now and then to keep it from getting to close to my happiness today. There is happiness. There is joy. There is a lot of good where there wasn't. It's worth it to me and I like who I am today.
Final score:
5points
Marinasongs1432 1 year ago
I'm sorry about your trauma. If you want it, ofc, because I don't like when people apologize for my trauma. I send you virtual affection, from one survivor to another.
#15
I have OCD (Obsessive- Compulsive disorder). A lot of people think it just means you just like things to be tidy, or wash your hands a lot. It is frustrating when people perceive me that way. The reality is that it is Intrusive thoughts and compulsions. OCD is an anxiety disorder. You have these intrusive thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive behaviors/rituals (compulsions).You then have the urge to perform a task to get get rid of the intrusive thoughts . The thing is that the tasks only provide temporary relief. This forms the cycle, making it almost endless. Then all the other disorders that can forms off of OCD.
An example is Trichotillomania, when someone cannot resist the urge to pull out their hair. I have this. I have gotten better at controlling it with medication, and constant reminders though. For a while I had a bald spot on the front of my hairline, so I had to part my hair a certain way to hide it. (It grew back, so no worries)
Another example is Compulsive skin picking (CSP). I pick at my upper arms, and sometimes my face. I refuse to wear tank-tops due to my upper arms being revealed because it gives me the urge to pick at them. I have scars due to picking at them in the past. I try my very hardest not to pick at them.
I think I might also have Obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). Haven't gotten diagnosed, but I match all the check marks.
Final score:
5points
harurand 1 year ago
I get you .. I also have very bad OCD and the intrusive thoughts... it's a nightmare.. but you are not alone and there are ways to try and reduce the thoughts. when the thoughts are there, see it as a little devil following you around, turn around and say Something positive like "ok, follow me around if i'm that important or you love me so much you can't stand being without me" and sort of make fun of him or she or it. If you do this every time, you can start to see it as a joke almost. Easy to say but I totally understand it's not easy doing.. we will make it eventually my friend :)
#16
***tw: sh, descriptions of anxiety, body image struggles, and mentions of depression***
mine is not nearly as bad compared to some people, but here goes. i've struggled with generalized anxiety disorder for most of my life, but i only realized it when it got worse a few years ago, and i've only been officially diagnosed for a month though i've had it waaay longer. along with that i also have moderate social anxiety. oh and i have a weird phobia of robot voices/automated sounds. like voicemails, and scam calls, and the emergency alert alarms like weather and amber alert sounds. i've not met anyone else with this exact phobia. and my parents refuse to get me tested for depression, like it won't be real if they just don't get me tested ugh. and my whole family has adhd and i've always shown the symptoms but again, they don't want to get me tested. probably because they believe the stuff inside my head can just be prayed away and they don't want to put me on medication. next part of the story: i've struggled with body image issues for as long as i can remember but when it got worse was when i was twelve years old and it's gotten even worse as the years go by. i try to not eat but i always end up eating anyway. it's gotten the worst after i realized i'm nonbinary and now dysphoria is part of the mix. this past summer i started cutting just to where my parents wouldn't notice. i wore a looot of bracelets. but then my mom saw some cuts on my leg and she started to get concerned, and my parents searched through my phone and found out i was gay. they basically told me i was too young to be gay and it's probably just a phase. i'm sure you can figure out that did wonders for my mental health...so i'm still in this jumbled mess of undiagnosed and diagnosed mental illnesses and i don't know how or when i'm gonna get out of it.
Final score:
4points
Huddo's sister 1 year ago
I really hope things get better for you. I find it so hard to understand parents who refuse to get their kids tested for anything. I think that is because I am a teacher, so dealing with diagnosed and undiagnosed children, and also because my siblings and I have all had various problems and our parents always made sure we were tested so we could get treatment. I get that it is a huge thing to admit children aren't 100% healthy, but by ignoring it you are not helping them deal with it so the symptoms just get worse.
#17
*TW sh, intrusive suicidal thoughts*
So recently I got diagnosed with ADD (ADHD) and that explains a lot of my anxiety, stress, and inability to get school assignments done. I'm on anxiety meds. But sometimes when the assignments get way out of control and I think I can't finish them, I'll look around the house for a sharp knife and try to slit the skin at my wrist. I haven't done it in a couple of weeks because my parents hid the kitchen knives and the butter knives aren't sharp enough. Sometimes I'll just wind up crying in the middle of the night because intrusive thoughts will come through and then I'll think about suicide and what my relatives and friends' lives would be like if I didn't exist anymore. Then I'll snap out of it. And I've been a bit clingy with my friends because I'm scared that something bad's gonna happen and one of us is going to die. Sometimes I also doubt my sexuality and gender identity just because I'm bored even though I know it's how I feel. I honestly don't know. I hate it all. But I send love to you pandas that are struggling with much worse than this.
Final score:
4points
#18
I only have adhd. people say I have personalty disorder due to me pretending to be my oc's all the time. I do things they want instead of doing things I want. I pretended to like science because my oc likes science. now i only have two science classes.
Final score:
4points
*Displayname*=idk 1 year ago
I also pretend to be my Oc's all the time. To me, that is how I cope with the daily struggles of life. I thought it might be normal?
#19
I have adhd, and it makes me not be able to sit still and feel jittery a lot of the time. It also makes me forget or not pay attention to when I need to eat, drink water, and go to the bathroom. I have trouble focusing and stare into space a lot, and I forget stuff all the time. This is probably the worst thing. I have a really good memory long term, but my short term memory is s**t. I constantly forget to turn stuff in, clean, do chores, set alarms, and literally everything.
Final score:
4points
Huddo's sister 1 year ago
My sister has ADHD (as well as a number of other things) and I know it is so hard! She has a good psychologist though and has worked on strategies to cope with it, so she was actually able to complete a certificate in screen and media last year, which is amazing as she only completed a certificate in applied learning, rather than a certificate for learning (which is the standard) for high school and had tried a certificate in media earlier and not been able to complete it because of the problems with focus and getting work in on time. I hope you are able to find ways to cope with your symptoms and find your place in life too.
#20
Trigger warning: self harm and self-unaliving mentioned.
I tried self-unaliving once. My issue was social phobia. I overcame it with systematic exposure to stressors/fears/crowds. I started by just being near them. Then entering the crowd. Then standing still in the crowd. Then timing how long I could stand. After about a year of doing this every day I got over it. I am now quite extroverted. I hope this helps someone.
Final score:
4points
Finley Claypool 1 year ago
I am going through the same and my anxiety and depression make it worse I am always anxious so much I get noauos for those curios I am on meds
#21
*TW for all except first + last paragraph (SH/CSA/ED/etc)*
What started out as delayed-onset PTSD snowballed into so many other things... Panic disorder, Social anxiety/agoraphobia, GAD, MDD, OCD, phobias, AN, BDD, DDNOS-1b, C-PTSD, and seasonal depression (initially misdiagnosed bipolar)...
I was CSAed by an uncle, and emotionally/psychologically abused by people I lived with at 13-14, but possibly what messed me up the most was that my mother told me to keep the CSA a secret so as not to rip apart her sister's family. She protected him instead of me. He committed suicide when I was 11 or so and shortly after that is when the PTSD started (it was not 'safe' for me to have feelings until then). I went from being a smiling (but emotionless) straight A student to the psych ward for self-harm in a few months. I woke up with dread and despair almost every day for the next 15 years. I was filled with self-hatred and my only 'light at the end of the tunnel' was death, but I decided I 'wasn't allowed to die' because it would hurt people and I deserved to suffer. I pretended to be ok whenever I was able to. I isolated myself, was afraid to connect with anybody, convinced I would hurt them and they would hate me too. I self-harmed for years, moving to burning when my cuts got too deep (I didn't want to get caught). I was so disgusted by my body that I would go weeks without bathing.
The self-hatred and unresolved trauma turned into various degrees of anorexia. It was easier to put the overwhelming guilt/shame/fear/disgust/sadness onto food/my body than it was to deal with the trauma (that I 'should get over'). AN was a passive suicide, but I wasn't 'allowed' to kill myself, so when the doctors started to tell me I could die in my sleep from low potassium, etc I admitted myself into the ED ward to be tube fed, discharged myself as soon as I could finish a meal without crying about it, and told my family that my mysterious 'digestive disorder' had been cured by 'GI specialists'. After gaining/maintaining a healthy weight my mind was still 98% ED thoughts and it took two years before I would menstruate again. I was constantly counting calories, etc. I thought mental recovery was impossible.
During these 15 years dissociation was my #1 coping mechanism. I would 'disappear' (lose all awareness) any time I was overwhelmed; sometimes I would just go blind/deaf, or physically/emotionally/mentally numb. For most of my life I had given up and other 'parts' would take over: more functional (social, or emotionally numb) parts (they would go to therapy to make the therapist happy), or equally non-functional parts who were stuck in trauma (a scared child part, a depressed part); there was an abusive teenager part. They would interact with each other and eventually with me, when I started to engage with them in my mid-20s.
That is when I decided I would try to show up to therapy, to try to be emotionally present for it. The first time I acknowledged that I was feeling ashamed I spent the rest of the hour dissociating - drifting in and out of the room. Eventually I dared to try trauma work again. I would start off saying 'I remember' and for the next two hours a little girl voice would take over, talking in present tense, while I watched in horror from behind, convinced we'd be locked up. I had tried to do trauma therapy before, right before a major AN relapse, but we only had an hour to do it so the emotionless part did it and it was in no way cathartic. The real trauma therapy took years. It was incredibly intense. I needed medication to prevent dissociative shut down. I needed to take baby steps. But afterwards every single diagnosis except for the seasonal depression was gone.
I now (at 37) am happily married, self-employed, and probably have a better relationship with food/body image than most women do. I only need medication in the winter months. I feel very lucky and grateful to be alive :) Recovery is possible!
Final score:
4points
#22
Alright so for context, I have depression, social anxiety, and Autism.
I have multiple stories to share (all relatively short)
1. We had just had our winter concert for band. The next day during class, the band director is talking to us about the concert. I guess he had found out about a couple of the band members having panic attacks because he said that anxiety is "selfish" and if we are nervous it's because we aren't prepared. I didn't like this and had to hide the fact I was crying because I was afraid he would call us out. He asked us if we had any other reasons for why we would be anxious besides a lack of preparation. If I had trusted everyone in the room (and didn't have social anxiety) I would've said that diagnosed anxiety disorder and Autism would be a really good reason.
2. I struggle with performing and public speaking of any kind. This isn't as bad when I have notice, but unfortunately, I have learned that notice isn't always possible. The first week of school was stressful. I had I think 5 marching band performances, maybe 6. When I was in English class that week, we had to do presentations. Nothing really difficult just an "all about me" type presentation. however, we found out about this and had approximately 30 minutes to prepare. Not enough for me. After my mini-panic attack is over, I go up to the substitute and ask to go see the counselor. I was told yes, however, once I got to the counselor, I had to sign up to talk to them. This was the last 20 minutes or so of the school day. Instead, I ended up talking to one of the vice principals.
3. (Last one) So I traveled with pep band around four hours away from home for regional basketball. Well, being Autistic, I have sensory sensitivities. We go to the hotel, unpack, and whatnot, but I leave my headphones in my bag, thinking I won't need them. When we get to the game, we are early so we go in and there is another game in progress. Complete with band. Cue a panic attack. I was trying to hide it because I don't want the attention on me, but apparently, when you're crying, people notice. A couple of people in my section are like "hey *name* are you okay?" I obviously said yes. One of the staff members noticed and had me sit on the side for a little bit. I had to sit out for the first quarter of the first game (we had to play for boys and girls) but was eventually fine.
After the game I was texting my mom, and she says that she is at the ER with my dad. Cue panic attack number two.
I cried after the games the next day as well.
Then had to explain to my band director why I was unable to go to state tournament...
(Just realized these are all from this school year and about band >_
Final score:
4points
Kevin Christoffel 1 year ago (edited)
That band director is nothing short of a clueless douchebag, pardon my French! SHAME ON HIM!
#23
*war and family death*
I was born in Russia- and have lived there until last year. I was almost forced to sign up for the army to fight for a cause i didn’t believe in, and my only choice at that point was to flee the country. My older brother and my uncle didn’t make it out, and they were forced to fight. I got the news four months ago that my uncle’s died.
I crossed the border to Ukraine in the north with my mother and my sister. We had to move as inconspicuously as possible, and this whole time i felt the most paranoid and depressed i’ve ever felt in my whole life. During our trip, my mother broken her left leg, and my sister got frostbite in her left fingers, having to remove two of them. I managed to make it out with only a migraine and a twisted ankle.
We managed to migrate to the west end of ukraine, where we momentarily camped with other refugees there, until my auntie who lives in singapore came for us.
I live in singapore with my auntie, sister, and ma now, and i receive correspondence from my brother. But since then, i’ve been treated for PTSD, paranoia, sever anxiety disorder and depression. I also now have a fear of speaking my own native language in public- i usually speak english, japanese or malay. (i learnt english as a toddler and have attempted to retain fluency)
I also have attachment issues to my sister ant mother. I call them on the hour, just to check in.
thanks for listening to my rant, have a wonderful day my friends!
Final score:
4points
#24
When I'm calm and relaxed my mind is clear and calm.
When I'm feeling pressured and hustled for time and getting things done quickly, I just cave. My mind will tell me I'm just not good enough, fast enough.
When people tell me to do something I was already about to do, or tell me something I already know my mind tells me that they think I'm too stupid to think for myself, and then I'm convinced maybe I am too stupid.
I'll smack my head a bit when it gets intense. Not in a painful way, but I've been called out about it at my last job.
Final score:
3points
#25
Tw; mention of suicidal ideations and very minor SH
Compared to some stuf on here, this really isn't anything, but I have anxiety and might (?) have depression or bipolar. I couldn't really explain how anxiety feels as I've had it all my life, but what might be depression or bipolar started happening pretty recently. I've been sort of bouncing between feeling like I want to die every day, being too tired to do anything, lashing out at people, and considering suicide as a serious option, and being confident to the point of idiocy- I never think, I'm cocky as f**k, and I have what I could only describe as delusions of grandeur. I think about how much other people must like me and value me, how much I've done for people, and I genuinely believe that I'm actively helping in other people's lives. I'm much more comfortable with myself in this setting, and I think I'm generally a better person. I'm more charismatic, kinder to others and myself, and I have more energy. I wish I could just keep it like that, but it just keeps rebounding and going back and forth with pretty much no in between. When I hit a low spot, I start hating myself and thinking the world would be better off with me dead. I do engage in SH sometimes, but it's never bad and I've only broken the skin a few times. It's still exhausting and I feel like it takes too much energy to be alive and I can barely focus on/ appreciate the good things. Then a week later I'm back to what I consider my normal self- overconfident, outgoing, a complete lack of hatred or sadness (I can't feel sadness normally but hey that is an upside!!), and generally (hopefully as I am me and cannot observe this) a fun person to be around. I've never injured myself in this state, although I definitely do overestimate my abilities a lot and have strained myself before. Currently I'm in the latter phase (I think) but it still feels like I can hear the voice in the back of my head telling me that I should be dead and I should hate myself. I don't listen, of course (one of my main skills is ignoring things! I developed it during math class), but I know that that's going to be all I hear in a bit, whether it's a few days or a few weeks. I can only hope that next time won't be the one that pushes me over the edge.
Anyways yeah I'm probably fine there's like a 80% chance it's just me being a dramatic teenager lol. Still a bit worrying but hey I'm fine I've been fine before I'll probably be fine lmao
Final score:
3points
Kevin Christoffel 1 year ago
I hate to be an armchair therapist, but what you describe of your life sounds very close to what I felt like as a teenager, before I was properly diagnosed and medicated. The extreme ups and downs, the feeling worthless one day to only feel on top of the world the next, the "confident to the point of idiocy," the SH that isn't really too bad (I have a bunch of very small scars on my left forearm from cutting), and the "world would be better off with me dead." All of that completely syncs with my experience, and I sincerely hope that you can find therapists like I did. Once I was on medication, I still had "highs" and "lows," but they weren't nearly as towering or valley-like, and I was able to finally focus on things like college, work, and improved relationships. I am sending you healing vibes, for sure!
#26
TRIGGER WARNING for mentions of self-harm and anorexia
*********
I have struggled with anorexia for two years, at one point working my starved body down to a BMI of 13 or lower. Anyway, after the second year of this, my family stuck me in an eating disorder clinic. I hated it. I hated feeling fat next to the other emaciated girls; I hated looking into the mirror one week and knowing for a fact that I was bigger than the last; I hated trying to tell the therapists there that my twin sister, who has always had a competitive dynamic with me, was also involved in a toxic starvation competition with me, only to be told that I wasn't thinking straight.
Fast-forward to getting out of the clinic. Sure, I was bigger, but was I cured? Heck no. I was far from it. As a competitive runner, I have always been competing with my sister over running on top of eating; realizing that I was slower after weight gain was INCREDIBLY hard. I am. I have to face it. I partially relapsed. I skipped meals, days of them, twice, and when I couldn't run as a result, I slit my wrists. There are still scars.
To make it harder and to realize my worst fear, the one I spent months and months lying awake hungry to fight off, my twin, who I tried to tell the therapists had an eating disorder, has lost a very sudden amount of weight and has become the thinner, faster twin as a result; however, her exercise is limited for now, since my family is aware of it, and she is talking to a therapist. Hopefully, most of the fight is over.
This is a reminder that it does get better. My twin is not prettier than she was when she was healthy. She is a pale teenager with dark circles under her eyes and the body of a fifth-grader, with arms that are barely even sticks. I was never that thin, but instead of being envious, I am glad that I am healthier and, yes, bigger.
Final score:
3points
#27
Ok,I’m gonna start of by saying that I don’t have a reason of why I’m not ok.My life is going really well(not to rub it in I’m sorry if it seems like that).Also,for clarification,I’m in between 10-14(for my own privacy I will by keeping that).That being said,let’s start.It all started when I was nine,this 40ish year old man started hitting on me while I was walking my dog,my dog barks and I’m like great I have an excuse to leave.I run home but I don’t say anything to my parents because I’m to scared that they might think I’m lying.Depression starts after that,can’t focus on school.After that I get concerned about what people think about me,if they think I’m ***(im sorry some people including me get triggered by words like that)I’m getting better but it’s hard not being able to tell my family,I’ve thought about sh for a little while and have done it but nothing to extreme.Anyways, I’m sending love out to all you pandas if you would like it!😘
Final score:
3points
Doodles1983 1 year ago
I had similar at 13 when an older guy started meeting me off the school bus. But, I did tell my family. Their reaction was that they believed me and went after the guy to warn him away. I got confused about it for a while because it felt like I had done something wrong. Physical ill-health is “normal”. From coughs and colds to cancer. At any age. Mental ill-health is just as normal at pretty much any age! Keeping it from everyone isn’t ok, you should speak up to someone you trust. If not family, a friend, teacher or counsellor. The sooner things are acknowledged, generally, the better you have a grasp of mental health and recognise when you’re good, or, not so good.
#28
I am a 44-year-old male with Bipolar II, initially diagnosed with Unipolar Depression as a teenager. As a result, I have been forced to find a balance between professional help and medication, which has taken many years. The current diagnosis was not even available at the start of my journey, and I want to emphasize to everyone that will listen that honestly delving into your own psyche with a person trained to give you succinct, applicable advice is worth the time and effort. I did not know that I could feel better mentally than I did at 15, and that has happened three times over the decades as new treatment methods, medications, and research has become available. Stick with it, and know from my story that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Good luck!
Final score:
3points
#29
(TW, Suicide, abuse)
I'm currently having to deal with being bullied at school and being abused at home. at some point i almost ended it all. That is all I wanted to say.
Final score:
3points
ОльхаКинг(AlderKing) 1 year ago
I hope you’re getting help and feeling better, if there’s anything i can do here in the comment section tell me!
#30
Im 50f. My husband is 58. He has been diagnosed w early onset dementia, bipolar, ocd, chronic pain n refuses to take any meds. I can handle the dementia, but sometimes the violence is too much. Especially with a 4yo in the home. My father, 80yo has full on dementia. He wanders off and finds himself in another person’s home. When they enter “his” home he gets violent. Obviously confused. Family has decided a nursing facility would be best for him. It’s all very trying, but patience and understanding go a long way with confused people. I have found it most effective to be calm and listen.
Final score:
3points
Huddo's sister 1 year ago
That's so tough to deal with! A friend of mine's husband also has early onset dementia and is refusing treatment and it is taking a toll on both of them. I was going to say that I hope things get better, but with degenerative diseases that is not likely to happen until they reach the end so I guess I just hope you get more support.
#31
TW: Mentions of abuse, Suicide and self harm
I’ve been abused by my parents since I was 5 and bullied for a while when I was 6. I began having this habit of crying if anyone gives me any criticism or if I’m slightly stressed. Something eventually snapped in me when I became 12 and I stopped feeling any positive emotion. I began glorifying suicide in my head and decided that I’d jump off the balcony at night. My former friend found out and told my mom who yelled at me for thinking such things. My father decided to threaten to kill me because he found it a joke. He once threatened to kill me with a knife. I got out of the dark place i was in until last year when I moved houses. Things get darker and darker everyday. I couldn’t fit in with kids in my new neighbourhood and nobody was my age so I could either hang out with people on their phone all the time or with people who constantly told me I was annoying. After a long day of being taunted at by them, I found myself in the kitchen with a knife about to slice my hand open. I was so shocked that I went and cried all night. My fathher has a problem with how I dress. I dress like a boy with shirts and pants but otherwise I’m quite feminine. He thinks I want to be a boy and constantly puts me down because of it. He called me a disgusting fat boy the night before my birthday and said a lot of terrible stuff that night. I had a panic attack for the first time that night and cried into my pillow. The next day on my brithday we had a fight and he called me a donkey which was a. Very demeaning thing to say in my native language. I need some way to let off stress so I keep scratching myself and bite my skin to stay in control. I keep getting called fat at home when it turns out that I’m on the edge between being average and skinny. I have intense pyrophobia which only one person in my life takes seriously (my bff). A psychologist who took an assessment at my school said that I need therapy which my parents are denying. My final exams are going on and I have zero motivation to study so I’m most likely not going to do very well but at least I’ll pass. I’m constantly anxious and on the verge of tears most of the time and I just want it all to end, I want a different life where I’m the person I want to be. I just want to turn off and stay tuned out for long enough to help me calm down.
Final score:
3points
Stardust she/her (Submission author) 1 year ago
I’m sorry for ranting, it’s just that I need to clear out my head so I felt that doing this would help. If you want then here’s a TL;DR: my parents are s****y people and I cry all the time
#32
TW: some suicidal thoughts and mention of self harm
My bio-father was mentally abusive and I dealt with self-doubt along with being a perfectionist and a people pleaser. For months I thought if I messed up I was worthless and made the people's lives around hard and should die. Someone on discord told me I might be depressed and should look for help. For a week I looked into it and realized what I was going through was a serious thing. Finally I wrote a letter to my bio-father telling him what was going on. He told me it's just in my head and I was overreacting. That turned us into a full-blown argument. That night, I almost ran away but I didn't bc I was only 14 and didn't have any money. The thoughts got worse and I started to scrape my skin with scissors and knives being careful not to be break skin. The thoughts started turning into how I was overreacting and only doing this for attention with the previous ones still there. Eventually my grandmother got me a counselor and lo and behold I was diagnosed with depression. My bio-father was still mentally abusive after my diagnoses but I didn't tell anyone bc I thought the situation I was in was normal. I got out of that situation when my aunt who lived in a different state wanted me to visit. I told her what was happening and CPS got involved. The reason why I'm saying this is bc my mental health got worse after my bio-father told me I was overreacting. Even though I won't get told I'm overreacting, telling anyone about thoughts that come and go still gets me anxious and want to suck it up and not tell anyone. Please guys DO NOT TELL ANYONE THEY ARE OVERREACTING WHEN IT COMES TO SITUATIONS LIKE THIS! It can cause more harm
Final score:
2points
Doodles1983 1 year ago
My mum used to say things like you’re only (e.g., 16). What do you have to be depressed about? And “you have not got the nappy marks off your bottom yet.” Every human has potential for poor mental health at any age. Pressure is a huge reason for it. She added to the pressure and didn’t alleviate it. The first time she took it seriously was when I was 26 and had a full on breakdown and refused to open my front door to anyone except my best friend for 4 months solid.
#33
I have severe anxiety which branches off into ocd, adhd, dependent personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Some of these are related to trauma from figuring out my sexuality while being in an abusive relationship (which leads to triggers people call stupid like yellow hoodies and white cars) and some are from birth. I’m not comfortable fully elaborating my trauma but anyone with questions feel free to comment, because this stuff is important to know about
Final score:
2points
#34
i dont know if autism counts but if so im autistic and it has impacted my social life for sure
Final score:
2points
Marinasongs1432 1 year ago
I also have autism, and autism also affects mental health. It counts :)
#35
I Was depressed after some things happened and then partner died. I left to stay with a friend. I detoured and attempted something that didn't work. fast forward to friend came and got me, let me sleep for 2 days and then when I was up, proceeded to tell me it's because I am just like my mum, I don't smile enough, I am abrupt and that's why people don't like me, and on and on and on.
Well. that helped.
Final score:
2points
#36
Trigger Warning for Self-Harm.
I very likely have anxiety, perhaps other disorders, but I haven't been diagnosed.
It's hard, and it has lead to impulsivity and paranoia.
I've cut myself so many times. There's tiny scars that have pretty much faded from scissors, lines that were formed by scissors and needles. There's a small roundish scar on the top of my arm, just past my left hand. I had scraped away the skin with my nails until it started oozing pus. The only regrets I had were that I hadn't done it in a less noticable location, and that it hadn't bled. When I was asked about the injury, I lied and said I didn't know how it had happened, and it took weeks to scar. I've been trying to stop, and it's been working fairly well, but a few days ago I tried to hurt myself again, attempting to push a. sewing needle into my skin and failing.
I prefer to sit with my back against the wall at any times I can, because I'm afraid thay someone could look over my shoulder otherwise.
I'm afraid to leave home, move out, because then there's not going to be anything to stop me from going farther, from moving on from cutting myself with scissors and nail clippers and needles. I don't want to die, I don't even hate myself, I just like the way the pain feels, and I don't care enough to stop.
Final score:
2points
#37
I have ADHD and Separation anxiety disorder, so school was hard. While I already had trouble with school, I also constantly wanted to break out in tears because I missed my family and my home.
Final score:
2points
#39
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Final score:
1point
Booker (Submission author) 1 year ago
This is a continuation of my post. Something prevented completion. I've been diagnosed with ADHD-Inattentive (ADD) and taught math and science to at-risk high school students for over 25 years. Whenever a student first came into one of my classes, I would gather background info one-on-one and start the process of normalization. During this, I would let them know I had ADHD and would ask if they wanted to share any diagnoses, but it was fine if they didn't. About half my students said they also had been diagnosed with ADHD. At some point, I'd ask them, "If you had a chance to totally get rid of it, would you?" During all my teaching, only one said they would. Then I would truthfully tell them I agreed with them as did all but one of my previous ADHD students, and that I personally considered it my greatest gift. I finished up the interview by telling them I would help them recognize their strengths and find workarounds for their weaknesses. Most of these students did well in college and trade school. I still firmly believe ADHD is a gift.
#40
Bad. Just a bad experience all around for pretty much everyone involved.
Final score:
1point
Kevin Christoffel 1 year ago
Genuinely sorry to hear. I hope there is still time to find something better. It took me decades. Sending hugs!
What do you think ?
freakingbee (they/them) 1 year ago
just in case i can help someone struggling with sh, i have a tip. keep a rubber band around your wrist and snap it whenever you feel an urge to harm yourself. it shocks you enough but it doesn't cause any permanent damage. it really helps me, especially when i'm feeling like there's too much going on around me.
freakingbee (they/them) 1 year ago
just in case i can help someone struggling with sh, i have a tip. keep a rubber band around your wrist and snap it whenever you feel an urge to harm yourself. it shocks you enough but it doesn't cause any permanent damage. it really helps me, especially when i'm feeling like there's too much going on around me.
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