What is the smoothest comeback you ever heard that will work 99% of the time?

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#1

Heard this one in school :0( names protected): (R is speaking): HEY (M)! (J) wants to show you his d*ck! (M is speaking): Sorry, I forgot my microscope today.

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sneksneksnek
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#2

My favourite is I get told "f you " a lot and my knee jerk reaction is to say either, " I bet you'd love that, wouldn't you" " I bet you would and I bet you'd like it" or " You think about that a lot, dontcha?"

Works almost every time and they tend to get flustered and annoyed.
It's really funny.

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Ang Chiyoko/Koharu
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chuckycheezburger avatar
Chucky Cheezburger
Chucky Cheezburger
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My standard replies to "F-you" are "You couldn't handle the ride" "Is that a threat?" (turn on sultry, sexy eyes) "Or a promise?" or "I'd just lay there and be disappointed"

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#3

If someone tells you that you are ugly say “ I don’t care or want your stupid opinions”

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Iris the Orca
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#4

3rd grader boy: Girls are stupid.
3rd grader girl: Especially your mother because she didn't get an abortion.

Same boy: I hate girls.
Same girl: You're just mad that your d**k is the same size as a girl.

I was the third grader girl. I got detention for saying the second thing. To make things better, the boy got a long lesson on not to be sexist and his parents were called. Third graders. Can you believe it? That's what happens when you let 10th graders eat lunch with juniors. Insulting d**k sizes

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Slithery snake
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#5

"You all are so gay."
"You don't get an opinion until you're taller than your instrument."

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QueerAxolotls
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#6

-you are so stupid!
- If I'm stupid what does that make you then?

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that_gay_snake
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#7

Boy:you look stupid.
Me:I'm sorry were you born on a highway?Cause' that's where most accidents happen?
Boy:Wow you really are stupid.
Me:At least i'm not your mirror.
Boy:...
Me singing:Girls go to College to get more knowledge,boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.
Boy:(Walks away stunned)

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Hermione
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#8

I'm sorry I forgot when I asked your opinion

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That midget Jo :)
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#9

I’ve got two. One, telling people “I hope you have the day you deserve.”
The second one was after someone I silted one of my friends she told them something along the lines of, “you know, you remind me of a jukebox. They were cool once and now they only exist in vintage stores. Someone f****d you once and now you think everyone wants a piece of you, but the only girls who would make that mistake are found in vintage stores. Maybe you should go there.” There isn’t a lot that people I know need comebacks for…

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Cypress
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#10

The one’s used at my school often are “your mom and your face”

Examples:
-What are you doing later?
Your mom.
-That’s annoying.
Your face is annoying.

They are versatile, and they leave people stymied because there’s no immediate comeback for that.

BTW, I don’t really use comebacks; I just say the first thing that comes to mind in response, and that usually works.

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HistoryLover(she/her)
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#11

Me: I don’t want to argue with you
Husband: We aren’t arguing, we are discussing things the hard way.
Love, love, love this man.

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Lauren Kane Galante
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#12

My dad loves to try and pinch my nose while saying "I got your nose!" in a Russian accent (why Russian, I have no idea).
One day, he pinched it and pulled away, smiling as he said the line.
Being a smart-alec, I point to my nose and say "no you don't!"
Without a moment of hesitation, still in character, he looks at my nose, then down to his hand. He opens it and in a Russian accent, he goes "oh c**p." I lost it.

Not really a mean comeback but I think it's a great way to save his character.

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Allydog57
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#13

The girls at my school would always sing "Girls go to college, to get more knowledgeable, boys go to Jupiter, to get more stupider." And I would always reply with: "You must have gone to Jupiter too then, because your Grammer sucks." Not the best comeback, but the only one I could come up with

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A Fox Eating Waffles
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#14

So’s your face!
To be honest it only works when someone calls you a name or something:
“You’re a stupid head!”
“So is your face!”

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Smorescout
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#15

Guy: a fat cow wouldn't even want to date you
Girl: I know I wouldn't want to date you either

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Rowan_the_raging_raven
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#16

My co-worker: "Shut your whore mouth"

Me: "Your wife, mother and sister love my whore mouth all over them"

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Joshua Moore
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#17

Kid: ”you look like a joke”

Me: “you are a joke”

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AwfullyWaffley
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#18

These are some of the things I've said to my boss. Keep in mind that these were said as playful, friendly banter, and not in anger.
One time boss said that I should keep my peter trap shut, so I pressed upwards on his chin and said "Alright, the thing that usually traps my peter is closed boss."
Another time, he told me to kiss his @$$. So I grabbed him by the ears and kissed him on the forehead. Of course, he looked shocked, and I said "Well, you said to kiss your butt.Whats wrong?" He said "Im glad I didn't say bite it!"
Last one. Once I called him a clapped out size queen. He looks confused and asks what that is, so I open my phone and tell him here's a picture of one. Ot was his picture.

Like I said, these are all said in good nature and we laughed about it and he gets in his shots on me just as much. He's a good boss and where we work is a pretty good place to work.

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Chucky Cheezburger
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#19

This came from Sam & Dianne of the TV show Cheers.
Sam: You’re drunk!
Dianne: You’re stupid. Tomorrow I’ll be sober!

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Denise Wads
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#20

kid: f u f*****
my friend: i would but im too lazy, can you do it for me.

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Boatboy Ash R
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ashenbrooks avatar
Ashen Brooks (They/Them)
Ashen Brooks (They/Them)
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would say "are you sure you can handle it with ME? you dont wanna mess up your first time"

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