We all love jokes, especially funny ones! Tell us some of your favorites here. Vote for the ones you like best. Let's brighten each other's day and get some laughs in!

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#1

This is a long one so bare with me here.

3 men are standing at the gates of Heaven and St. peter tells the men "well guys Heaven is getting kind of full so I will only allow one of you guys in today. And the one with the most horrible death will get in."

Guy #1: " Well I was suspecting my wife of cheating on me for sometime, so I got home early from work to catch her in the act. Knowing someone was there I search the entire apartment. Didn't find anyone, until in an effort to calm down I went to the balcony and there was a man hanging on to the railing for dear life. I got so mad I started to stomp on his fingers but he still clung on, then I went and got a hammer, Mind you I live on the 24th floor of my apartment complex, so I hit this guys fingers and he finally lets go and he falls 24 stories on to some bushes. but before he could move I grab the fridge and toss it over the balcony and kill him. Then in my rage I had a heart attack and died. That's why I am here"

Guy #2: " I live on the 25th floor of my apartment complex and was doing my daily balcony exercises when I slipped and miraculously grabbed the railing on the 24th floor. So there I was clinging to life when this crazy man started stomping on my fingers. I hung on fighting the pain. Then he grabs a hammer and hits my hand and I let go falling 24 stories on to some bushes, when I landed I was stunned but alive. But before I could move he throws a fridge on me and kills me instantly and that's why I am here."

Guy #3: " I was the naked guy inside the refrigerator."

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Andres Tejeda
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    #2

    If I had a dollar every time a girl found me unattractive I would be found attractive.

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    Jackson Allinder
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    #3

    What's grey and lights up?
    An elephant when you tell them they're beautiful

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    Ben Stubbs
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    #4

    They told me I would be no good at poetry because I am Dyslexic. But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they look lovely!

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    Scagsy
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    #5

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

    Watson: "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

    Holmes: "Watson, you idiot, somebody's stolen our tent!"

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    Jeff Sandve
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    #6

    If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dog, I'd have a pound.

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    Scagsy
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    #7

    I invented a new word!

    Plagiarism!!

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    Hissi
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    #8

    So I went to the bank today and this woman asked if I could check her balance for her.

    So I pushed her over.

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    Kyana Winter
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    #9

    A man after buying a parrot, is frustrated that the parrot is cursing up a storm, being aggressive, and just acting terrible so the man decides in order to teach the bird a lesson he will put it in the freezer. Maybe the cold will calm him down. So he grabs the birds, shoves him in the freezer and for like 2 minutes the parrot is squawking and throwing a fit. Then the man hears a small knock on the freezer door. He opens it up and out comes the parrot calm and with his head down. The parrot says "Sir, I am sorry for my recent impropriety, I have acted unpleasant and I am truly sorry." The man says "apology accepted." then the parrot says "sir, might I ask a question?" the man says "you may " Parrot: "well sir, I noticed that when I was cursing and biting you threw me in the freezer for my actions. So I was wondering what did the chicken do?"

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    Andres Tejeda
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    #10

    Donald Trump's hair

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    Daniel Lewis
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    #11

    Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

    "Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

    Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"

    The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

    The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"

    The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

    The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

    Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."

    "Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

    Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

    "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

    Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

    Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

    Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"

    Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"

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    Billy The Kid
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    #12

    3 priests die and get to the gates of St Peters. St Peters tells them, "since all three of you lived near perfect lives, I will allow you to go and commit one sin. You then can return, drink from the Holy Water and then enter into Heaven."

    All 3 priests leave and return the next day.

    When they returned, St Peter asked the first priest, "What sin did you commit?" The first priest responds, "I committed adultery." St. Peter responds, "Go drink from the Holy Water"

    St Peter then asks the second priest, "What sin did you commit?" The second priest responds, "I got drunk and did drugs." St Peter tells his, "Go drink from the Holy Water."

    St Peter then turns to the third priest and says, "What sin did you commit?" The third priest turns to St Peter and says, "I peed in the Holy Water."

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    Ian Bartels
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    #13

    What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

    Dam!

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    Julie Fitzgerald
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    #14

    This one is a little bit naughty. There's a bus with an old man on it. A teenage punk gets on the bus and sits across from him. He has a mohawk with hair dyed all the colors of the rainbow and has piercings and tattoos everywhere imaginable. The old man keeps looking at him. Finally the teenager asks "What's the matter, old man? Haven't you ever done anything wild and crazy in your life before?" "As a matter of fact, yes. Back when I was in the Vietnam War, I once got really drunk and had s*x with a parrot in the jungle. I was wondering if you might be my son."

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    glowworm2
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    #15

    A father and son from a small hick town visit the big city. They are amazed at all the modern things they see. They watch as an older lady gets on the elevator and the doors close. A moment later, the doors open and a beautiful young lady exits. The man turns to his son and says "Quick! Go fetch yer Ma!"

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    BusLady
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    #16

    A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!”

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    Billy The Kid
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    lawstoryteller avatar
    averageperson
    averageperson
    Community Member
    4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Roman numerals always confused me. I hope the bartender is smarter than I am.

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    #17

    The local post master was having a baby shower. Her coworker asked "Is it mail or Email?"

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    Dragonfruit'nrollerskates
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    #18

    first post ever! yay :)

    A man walks into a pet store looking for a parrot. The attendant brings out the three parrots he has on stock.
    attendant: " I must warn you, these are pretty expensive as I am out of normal parrots."
    The man says: "OK, how much for this one?"
    attendant: " 200 dollars"
    The man is shocked at the price as he expected to only pay around 50 dollars and asks:" what is so special about this one?"
    attendant:" well, it can parrot but also converse and even do basic arithmetic."
    The man is impressed with the skill of the bird and feels the price justified and goes to ask about the second parrot.
    Attendant: "This one is 300 dollars".
    Slightly shocked at the large price increase the man asks what is special about the bird.
    Attendant:" well, it can do all the things the previous parrot can but can also translate what you say into seven different languages and can draw portraits of anyone it has ever seen."
    Again impressed with the skill of the bird, he informs about the third parrot.
    Attendant: "This one is 2000 dollars."
    Man:" WOW that is crazy compared to the other 2 parrots. What can this guy do?
    Attendant: "Nothing really, but the other two birds call him Boss..."

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    Dahungryfella
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    #19

    What do you call a dog with no legs?

    Doesn't matter you call him, he's not gonna come.

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    Ian Bartels
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    #20

    A bear and a rabbit go to take a dump in the woods. While they're squatting there, the bear says, "Excuse me, but do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?"

    The rabbit replies, "Why, no, I don't."

    So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.

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    Lisa Anne
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    #21

    where do you find a turtle with no legs?

    right where you left him

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    Logan Cheng
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    #22

    What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down the stairs?

    A condescending con descending!

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    Maisha Mir
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    heathervance avatar
    AzKhaleesi
    AzKhaleesi
    Community Member
    4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I work in a prison and we love that joke but we say falling down the stairs lol

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    #23

    A teenage boy is taking his girlfriend to the prom, so he needs to get ready. First, he needs a tux, so he goes to buy one, but the line is really long, but since he needs a tux, he waits anyway. Then, he needs to get her some flowers, so he goes to the florist. Yet again, the line is extremely long, but he waits anyway. Next, he remembers he needs to go get tickets, but you called it, the line is long, yet he waits anyway. Finally, the day has come and he's all ready, but sick of waiting in lines. He gets there and has to wait in a really long line to get in, but obviously, he does. When they do get in, they dance for a while, talk for a while. Then he decides to get punch. And after all that, there was no punch line.

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    ruthenium the ruther
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    #24

    Was is hard, long and full of seamen...?

    (A submarine)

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    Anton Kider
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    #25

    this isnt my joke and its pretty awful but for some reason i find it hilarious.
    a man walks into a bar, and says 'ow'.

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    Fred and George Weasley
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    #26

    How does an elephant get down from a tree?

    He sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.

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    Bazzinga
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    #27

    You know what they say?

    Words.

    (I'm so sorry.)

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    aw man i'm all outta cash
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    #28

    me and my missus watched all the star wars films back to back. luckily enough i was the one facing the telly

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    Billy The Kid
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    #29

    When I was a kid, i told everyone I wanted to be a comedian. They all laughed.
    Now that I am a comedian, no one is laughing.

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    Billy The Kid
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    #30

    There were three tailors whose shops were all on the same street (bad for business I know but let's continue). The first one puts up a sign that reads, "I am the best tailor in the city!" The next one has a sign that says, "Best tailor in the world, I am!" The third one has a sign, "Best tailor on the street."

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    Antonio Lucio Vivaldi
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    #31

    Ok... I know I've posted already but I found a really good one.

    A father is looking at his phone when his son asks him "what is 'upset'? what is 'anger?' what is 'to go mad?' what is 'dumbfounded'"?"

    The father doesn't know how to answer, so he says "How about this? I'll show you, and then you'll understand!"

    The father dials a random number on his phone. The other side says "Hello, this is the Lin residence." The father says, "hello, is this zhou yun-fa?" The other side says, "No, didn't you hear, this is the Lin residence!" The father again asks, more urgently "Hello, is this zhou yun-fa?" Then, the other side says "Gosh darn it, didn't you hear, this is the Lin residence!" The father says "Oh. well, you'll help me find zhou yun-fa, right?" "NO!" the other side hangs up. The father says to his son, "now they are upset."

    Then, the father dials the same number. The other side says, "Hello, this is the Lin residence." The father says, "Can you help me find zhou yun-fa?" The other side yells "This is harrassment! If you call again, I'll call the police on you!" With a slam, the other side hangs up. The father says to his son , "Now they are angry".

    The father dials the same number. The other side says "PLEASE STOP CALLING ME!" The father calmly says "Hello, is this the Lin residence?" The other side quickly says "Oh sorry. I recently had some annoying spam calls. So sorry about that." The father says "Oh, good. Can you help me find Zhou yun-fa?" The other side yells, "STOP CALLING ME! I'LL CALL THE COPS!!!". The father says to his son, "see? Now they have gone mad."

    The father dials the same number. Before the other side can speak, the father calmly says, "Hello, this is Zhou yun-fa. Has anyone been looking for me?" and hangs up. The father says, "See? Now they are dumbfounded."

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    InstantRamenGuy
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    #32

    What did the green grape say to the purple grape? breathe! breathe!

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    Billy The Kid
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    #33

    A man(lets call him Jeff) walks into a bar. He sees another man(Jerry I guess) staring at a bowl of chili. Jeff asks Jerry,
    ¨Are you gonna eat that?* And Jerry says, ¨Nah, you can have it, I´ve lost my apetite.¨ So Jeff walks to a nearby table and digs in. He gets to the bottom of the bowl, and sees an *ahem* DEAD MOUSE. And you know what Jeff does? He pukes all of the chili back into the bowl. Jerry walks over and says, ¨Yeah, that was my reaction too.¨

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    KIANA CAFFERY
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    #34

    Q can a kangaroo jump higher than a building?
    A yes because buildings cant jump

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    Billy The Kid
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    #35

    An Englishman, a Frenchman and a New Yorker are on a safari when they get separated from the group and run into a tribe of cannibals. The cannibal chief tells the men that they will be killed, eaten, and their skins will be made into canoes. "But we are not complete savages," he says. "You shall be allowed the weapon of your choice and can commit suicide." So the Englishman asks for a sword, and as he thrusts it into his heart, he exclaims, "Long live the queen!" The Frenchman asks for a pistol, and puts it to his head yelling, "Viva la France!" The New Yorker says, "gimme a knife," and then proceeds to stab himself all over the place... his arms, his legs, his torso... and the cannibal chief, watching this, finally asks him what he is doing. The New Yorker replies, "f**k your canoe."

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    Winter
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    #36

    This was the very first joke I ever heard and 5 -year old me thought it was hilarious:
    A man tunnels his way out of prison and comes up in the middle of a playground. As he sticks his head out of the hole, he sees a little kid with a lollipop staring at him and he cries, "I'M FREE! I'M FREE!" The little kid takes the lollipop out of his mouth and says, "So what? I'm four."

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    Stephanie Did It
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    #37

    Eating clocks is so time consuming...

    especially when you go back for seconds!

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    ThreeOfAKind
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    #38

    How to you interrogate a horse? You ask it equestrian.

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    InstantRamenGuy
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    #39

    Where does a General keep his armies?

    In his sleevies.

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    Chich
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    #40

    I never really got on with my parents. The first two years of my life i never spoke to them

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    Billy The Kid
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    #41

    how do you know if carrots are good for your eyes? have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

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    Billy The Kid
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    #42

    At Al Qaeda training it came to 'how to blow yourself up'
    The tutor starts of with "watch very carefully as i can only show you once"!

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    Billy The Kid
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    #43

    what happened when 100 hares got lose in the city?
    The police had to comb the area!

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    Germaine
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    #44

    What do you call a Magician who's lost their magic?

    Ian

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    TuxCat13
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    #45

    You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You

    You're So Lazy You Did Not Read All The You's You Did Not Even Notice One Of Them Is Actually "Yoo"

    Now You Are Looking For The "Yoo" And Dissapointed You Did Not Find It.

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    Nature Girl
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    #46

    why cant dinosaurs clap?

    because there dead

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    Logan Cheng
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    #47

    Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoe’s. After that, who cares! Your a mile away from them and you’ve got their shoes!

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    CharlieKaye
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    #48

    A ghost walks into a bar. When asked if he wants something, he replied, "No thanks, I'm laying off the boos."

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    Henry Cheves
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    #49

    What did the pencil say to the paper?
    “I dot my i’s on you.”

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    Rainbowskull13 (she/her)
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    mohrataylor avatar
    ArhomR
    ArhomR
    Community Member
    4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What did the paper say to the pencil? I dot care a jot.

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    #50

    What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with implants? Well, one's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

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    Maisha Mir
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    #51

    Nothing is truly lost until your mom can,t find it

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    (っ◔◡◔)っ im a domestic weeb
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    catmarshall57 avatar
    BusLady
    BusLady
    Community Member
    4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My son can spend 10 minutes rummaging through a drawer or cabinet: Its not in here! I stop what I'm doing, get up and go over there. 10 seconds later: its right here!

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    #52

    What's E.T short for?


    Because he only has little legs

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    Ben Stubbs
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    #53

    The Bear and the Rabbit are friends, go fishing in the river and catch the magical Golden Fish (Easter European version of a Genie). The fish begs them to throw him back and grants them each three wishes.

    The Bear says he'll go first, because he's bigger and brawnier. The Rabbit just shrugs.
    "All my life female bears have shunned me, so I'd like one who'll love me. And make her sexy, like the ones from Playbear" begins the Bear. "Granted" says the Fish, and, lo and behold, a female bear appears out ow nowhere and throws herself at the Bear.
    "I'd like ten million dollars" asks the Rabbit, and, as he says it, a suitcase full of money drops at his feet.

    "Second wish" says the Bear. "You know what, I think just one female bear isn't enough, the way I've been treated until now. I deserve more. Say, can you make it so I'm the only male bear in the whole country?" "That's really creepy" says the Fish, "but fine, you're the boss".

    "For my second wish, I'd like a really really fast motorcycle" the Rabbit says and the Fish makes it so. Meanwhile the bear pauses from his orgy to poke fun at the Rabbit - "look at this guy, he wasted a perfectly good wish when he could have just bought the motorcycle from the money!". The Rabbit ignores him.

    "Ok, last wish, everyone!" announces the Fish.
    The Bear scratches his head in thought then says " You know what, I think I deserve to be the only male bear in the whole world! That'll teach those bear b*tches for spurning me!"
    "Ok, mate, you do realise that'll mean your whole species will go extinct, right?" interjects the Fish.
    "I don't care, as long as I'm getting some, so get on with it, Nemo, or I'll have you for lunch!" says the Bear angrily, stomping his foot. The Fish shrugs even deeper than last time and grant's the Bear's wish.

    Meanwhile, the Rabbit is up on the motorcycle, revving it, helmet on his head, suitcase full of money securely tied in the back. "You know, I've had it up to here being this guy's friend for so many years, so, you know what, for my last wish, please make the Bear gay" he says and drives off...

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    Alexandru Bucur
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    #54

    What's brown and sticky?... A stick.

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    Bunny Wood
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    #55

    A biologist was on vacation, taking a leisurely drive through the countryside, when he encountered a shepherd herding a large flock of sheep across the road. He stopped and got out of his car to watch, then had an idea. He called out to the shepherd, "Hey, if I can tell you how many sheep you have there, will you let me have one of them?" The shepherd figured this was a good bet, so he said. "Sure." The traveler told him, "You have 1,264 sheep." The shepherd was astounded. "That's exactly right," he replied. The scientist selected one of the animals a started back to his car, when the shepherd said, "How about double or nothing? I'll bet I can guess what your line of work is." The traveler said, "Well, all right, but it is a rather obscure one." The shepherd replied, "You're a molecular systematist." It was the scientist's turn to be astounded. "How on earth did you know?" "Oh," said the shepherd, "it was just a good guess." Then, as the scientist was walking away, shaking his head, the shepherd called after him, "Can I have my dog back now?"

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    Lorraine R
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    #56

    What does a ghost wear to the beach?

    A boo-kini

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    moonstone_plays
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    #57

    It's difficult to say what my wife does for a living. She sells seashells by the seashore.

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    Scagsy
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    #58

    What has 18 wheels and flies?

    A garbage truck.

    (sorry)

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    averageperson
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    mohrataylor avatar
    ArhomR
    ArhomR
    Community Member
    4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Not a good enough apology. SMH sorry, Might do it.

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    #59

    3 drunk guys entered a taxi. the taxi driver knew they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again.then he said we have reached the destination. the 1st guy gave him money the second said thank you. the third one slapped the driver. the driver was shocked he thought he was drunk. But He Asked What Was That For? The Third Guy Replied" Control Your Speed Next Time You Almost Killed Us!"

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    Nature Girl
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    #60

    What's small, round, white, and giggles?

    A tickled onion.

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    HyacinthTheRainWing
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    #61

    What would Elvis be doing today if he was alive?


    Clawing at the lid to his coffin.

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    Erick Blood
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    #62

    So, I was out on the boating pool with my dad and this fella comes on the loudspeaker: "Come in number 91, your time is up!" and the bloke next to him says: "We haven't got a number 91". So, he get back on the tannoy and says: "Are you in trouble number 16?"

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    falkedesaladil avatar
    Caridina
    Caridina
    Community Member
    4 years ago

    This comment has been deleted.

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    #63

    I applied for a job clearing drains but the interview didnt go down too well

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    Billy The Kid
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    #64

    I have discovered the chemical formula for Christmas spirit! H3O3

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    Henry Cheves
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    #65

    Ok this one is super naughty.... but it's been a fave of mine for a looong time. Bear with me...

    It's Johnny's 5th birthday and he has a party with all of his friends. His dad is a truck driver and is supposed to be home any minute. Finally his dad pulls up and he knows that there's gotta be something super awesome in the back of his rig. His dad opens up the back and there it is... a shiny new tricycle. Johnny jumps on it and tears off. He races through the front door, grabs a handful of M&M's and pops them in his mouth, cruises by the cat and bites him on the tail and races out the back of the house circling to the front. He flies by his parents and does another lap, grabs the M&M's pops them in his mouth, bites the cat and circles around again. Johnny does this a couple more times when his mom looks at his dad and says what's he doing??? His dad shrugs and says who knows? Johnny whizzes by again, and again, Grabs the M&M's, bites the cat and comes around. This time Johnny's dad stops him with his foot. "Son... what the heck are you doing? Johnny looks up with a big smile on his face "I'm playing truck driver daddy just like you, Popping pills, eating pussy and riding like hell"

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    AzKhaleesi
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    #66

    Hi, my name is Cliff, drive over sometime!

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    FLASH
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    #67

    Two nuns are strolling through the park when suddenly, two men each grab one and drag them into the bushes. Much thrashing around in the bushes, then from behind one bush the first nun yells "Forgive them Lord, they know not what they do!" From behind the other bush comes the second nun's voice: "This one does!"

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    Stephanie Did It
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    #68

    A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. “I’d like some raisin bread, please,” the man says politely.

    The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

    Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

    After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. “Is yours raisin too?” the clerk yells testily.

    “No,” croaks the feeble old man... “But it’s startin’ to twitch.”

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    #69

    A policeman, a woman and her child, the smartest man in the world, and the pilot of a plane are in a plane about to crash. There are only four parachutes. Everyone jumps.
    Later, when the child from the plane was being questioned by the press, they were asked about the whereabouts of the smartest man in the world. Why did the child say?



    "He took my backpack."

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    TuxCat13
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    #70

    Why did the girl eat bullets?

    She wanted to grow bangs.

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    Ashley Minton
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    #71

    Two silkworms had a race.

    It ended in a tie.

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    Barbra Pemberton
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    #72

    Whats a robots fave type of music?

    Heavy Metal

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    #73

    Do you know that gullible guy who loves lollipops?

    Yeah, he's a sucker!

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    Flare
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    #74

    This one is kinda mean but you have been warned:

    What is green, red, and moving at 300mph
    A frog in a blender

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    (っ◔◡◔)っ blush
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    #75

    What’s a farm animals favorite makeup line?

    Neighbelline Moo York

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    CallMeRen
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    #76

    what did one snowman say to the other snowman? does it smell of carrots around here?

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    Billy The Kid
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    #77

    doc i've broken my arm in 3 places. where about's? the living room, the kitchen and the bathroom

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    Billy The Kid
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    #78

    if i have 10 bricks in one hand and 10 in the other what have i got? big hands

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    Billy The Kid
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    #79

    Time flies like and arrow
    But fruit flies like a banana

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    The Hufflepuff Bookworm
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    #80

    So you know how when you eat cereal sometimes there’s milk left at the bottom so you add more cereal but you add to much so you add more milk and then its an endless cycle. Anyways that’s why I’m fat.....

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    Tanner Kurut
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    #81

    Two nuns walk into a bar.

    The third one ducks...

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    Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W
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    #82

    I had a mate once who asked me to borrow him £10,000 for a face lift but now i dont recognize him to get my money back!

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    Billy The Kid
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    #83

    A man walks into a bank and says give me the money or your geography! The person behind the counter then says dont you mean history? man says dont change the bloody subject!

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    tacticalsquirrel23 avatar
    Conrad Strucker
    Conrad Strucker
    Community Member
    4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    *you're geography damn they should really change the subject to english

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    #84

    I had a kebab last night but im sure it was horse meat because i woke up with the trots

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    Billy The Kid
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    #85

    This one's a combination of some Elephant Jokes and the Brick Joke.

    A helicopter is carrying 500 bricks. One falls off. How many are left?
    499.

    How do you get an elephant in a fridge?
    Open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.

    How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?
    Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.

    How do you get four elephants in a Mini?
    Two in the front, two in the back.

    How do you get five donkeys in a Crown Victoria?
    Two in the front, two in the back, and one on the roof going "Hee-haw hee-haw".

    How do you get two Whales in a Polo?
    Down the M4 and across the Severn bridge.

    It's Simba's birthday party and everyone's invited. Who doesn't show up?
    The girrafe.

    Indiana Jones is crossing the jungle, he comes across a river known for being full of crocodiles. He swims through it without problems. How?
    They were at Simba's birthday party.

    How did Simba know there were four elephants in his fridge?
    There was a mini parked outside.

    Indiana Jones crosses the river but dies once he gets to the other side. How?
    The brick hit him.

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    Bacony Cakes
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    #86

    This one was my grandma's favorite joke

    Knock Knock!
    Who's there?
    Interrupting cow!
    Interrupting cow-
    MOOOOOOOOOooooo!!!

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    Popcorn Colonel
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    #87

    Horse joke my Vetranarian grandpa loves to tell.

    How do you know how many oats a horse wants?
    Lift up his tail!
    His answer... A phewwwww. (that is how horses fart!)

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    #88

    I don't know if these are on here yet but I have three. Sorry :((( I really want to put all of them here. 1: A redhead, a brunette, and a girl with green hair were walking down the road next to a farm. The farmer was resting when they walked past them. He said to the redhead, "I love your hair!" She ran her hand through it, saying, "It's natural." He then said to the brunette, "I love your hair!" She, too, ran her hand through her hair, saying, "It's natural." He then said to the green-haired girl, "I love your hair!" And she ran her hand up her face from the nose and smoothed her hand through her hair, filling it with snot. "It's natural.". 2: Three men were on a plane- a priest, a soldier, and a demolitionist. They were sitting and talking when the stewardess walked in and told them that the cabin pressure was immensely high. "You're all going to have to get rid of some extra weight, unless you want to crash." She said fretfully. The priest said a prayer, and dropped his Bible out of the plane. The soldier saluted to the stewardess, and chucked his swiss army knife out of the plane. Finally, the demolitionist decided to sing his favorite song, and he lobbed a grenade he had on him out the plane. The stewardess went and checked the pressure, but came back very stressed. "The cabin pressure is still too high. I'm afraid you will all have to jump." She gave them parachutes and they all jumped out of the plane. When the priest landed, he heard someone crying. He found them in a driveway, rocking back and forth. "What happened?" He asked. The man replied, I just got back from the car dealership. I was about to take a picture of my brand new Ferrari, and then this bible FELL OUT OF THE SKY and DESTROYED THE HOOD!" The man was quite upset. The priest thought, ohhh crap. A couple miles away, the soldier landed and also heard someone crying. He rushed to find them, and saw a woman crying over a red mass. He thought she was severely injured, so he ran over to her. But when he got there, he saw it was really just a watermelon split open. "Are you ok?" He asked. The woman replied, "NO! I've been growing this watermelon out for MONTHS. I was going to enter it in the state fair and win prize money for the rent! Then, suddenly, a KNIFE FELL OUT OF THE SKY AND SPLIT IT OPEN! Now I don't know WHAT I'll do!" The soldier thought, ohhhh crap. A couple miles away, the demolitionist landed, and heard somebody laughing hysterically. He went to find them, and saw a man in his driveway. He could barely contain himself. He was laughing like a hyena! The demolitionist asked, "What's so funny?" And the man wheezed, " I was just gardening, and then, and then I farted, and then my neighbor's house EXPLODED!!" And the demolitionist thought, that's pretty fricken great.
    3: So, say a shipment of 500 bricks is flying over Africa. One falls out. How many are left? (499.) Yep. So, on the subject of Africa, what are the steps to putting an African Elephant in the refrigerator?( Opening it, putting the fellow in, and closing it.) Yeah, that was easy. But I bet you can't get the steps to putting a GIRAFFE in. (Opening the refrigerator, taking out the elephant, putting the giraffe in, and closing the refrigerator.) Hey, you jerk getting the answers. Let's do something else. So, the Lion King is having his birthday party. He's invited every single animal in the kingdom, but one person didn't show. Who could it be? Why? ( The giraffe. Because he's in the refrigerator.) Ok, fine. Let's get away from animals. A human girl named Allison was on an African Safari, and she needed to cross an alligator infested river. Thing is, she didn't know it was alligator infested! But she walked across without getting a single nip. Why, you ask? (All them gators are at the birthday party.) Yeah. But, as soon as Allison get across, she drops dead on the spot! Why would this happen? What killed her?! (She was hit on the head by a flying brick.....) I have more but this is long

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    QueenoftheSquids
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    #89

    uhhhhh, lemme think...

    ok so there was this boy and he really wanted a fish so him and his parents went to the fish store and the boy wonder around a bit until he spotted a goldfish and he was thinking of names like joey, Jeffery, Jamie until he said Jonny so the fish jumped up and he continuously said Jonny, Jonny, Jonny, and the fish jumping up and flipping every time so a few tests and a few days later he brings Jonny to a local river and dipped him in and said Jonny several times and his friends were amazed but one of them said hey mate your fish is swimming away, so he goes around the corner the to where the fish went and he was yelling out Jonny, Jonny, Jonny. several hours went by and several Jonny he finally gave up, as he got home he went to drink out of the tap,




    what came out of the tap?...














    water

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    ravager
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