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Hey Pandas, What Are Some Of Your Favorite Dad Jokes? (Closed)

I’m not going to write a long description, but I will say that my dad is a master of dad jokes and puns. Having gotten my sense of humor from him, I would love to get some new jokes as well as share some with the rest of you. It can be as cringe-worthy as you want; the cornier, the better! Feel free to make one up, too, if that’s something you’re good at. Have fun!

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#1

i was kidnapped by mimes
they did unspeakable things to me

Final score:

37points

The sea pancake

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#2

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Final score:

23points

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#3

Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked

Final score:

20points

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#4

Kid: "Dad, im hungry"
Dad: "I'm Austria the country nextdoor".

Final score:

19points

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#5

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent

Final score:

19points

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#6

i'm going to make an airline for bald people its going to be called receding airlines.

Final score:

19points

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#7

Do trees poop? Of course they do! How else would we get #2 pencils?

Final score:

18points

Kevin the Manager

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#8

𝑺𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒘𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒔 𝒇𝒖𝒏 𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒔𝒐𝒂𝒑 𝒊𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔. 𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒂 𝒔𝒐𝒂𝒑 𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒂!

Final score:

18points

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#9

What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.

Final score:

17points

censorshipsucks

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#10

“I’m hungry”
“Hi hungry I’m dad”
And that’s the story of how I started saying “I crave food”

Final score:

15points

Mini is gone(???)

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#11

What does James Bond do before he sleeps?
He goes undercover!
And why does he go to bed early?
So he can wake up at 0:07

Final score:

13points

#12

Me: that doesn't make sense

Dad: you're right it makes dollars

Final score:

13points

Spleens the cat fan 🇵🇭

#13

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

Final score:

13points

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#14

I'll start us off with a personal favorite...
Why did the pony go to the doctor?
It was a little horse. (Hoarse)

Final score:

12points

Emotional Support Velociraptor

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#15

"I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."

Final score:

12points

#16

What do you call an amputee doing karate?

Partial arts.

Final score:

11points

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#17

Daughter/Son: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Dad:I dont know. Why?
Daughter/Son: To get to the idiot's house. Knock Knock.
Dad:Who's there?
Daughter/Son:The chicken.
Dad:You live with me though, daughter.
Daughter/Son:...

Final score:

10points

What_the_actual_sloth?

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#18

Dad: what do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
My daughter: I don’t know dad.
Dad: Nacho Cheese!

Final score:

10points

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#19

Dad: What do you call a king who's only 12 inches tall?
Son: IDK
Dad: A ruler!

Dad: What do you call two banana peels?
Dad: A pair of slippers!

Final score:

9points

#20

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the “P” is silent

Final score:

8points

#21

When people discover I'm a bad electrician, they're shocked.

Final score:

8points

#22

I went to the doctor because I drank invisible ink. She still hasn't seen me.

Final score:

8points

#23

How does the Pink Panther handle pesky picnic insects?
"Dead ant, dead ant, dead antdeadantdeadant,"(and so on...)

Final score:

7points

Jennifer Potter

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#24

I never believed orthopedic shoes worked. I now stand corrected.

Final score:

7points

#25

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
‘Cos he was outstanding in his field

Final score:

7points

#26

Slightly offensive joke incoming...

Q: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an itheburg.

Final score:

7points

#27

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You see one later and one in a while.

Final score:

6points

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#28

Norway started putting barcode on their ships so they can scandinavian

Final score:

6points

Rachel Reynolds

#29

Why are spread sheets so weak?

They have all them cells, but no mitchondria

Final score:

5points

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#30

Why did the Toilet paper roll down the Hill? To get to the Bottom

Final score:

5points

#31

Dad Jokes
What do you call a cow with two legs: lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs: ground beef.
Why are cows so dramatic: because they’re milking it.

Final score:

5points

Average Chicago sports fan

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#32

What type of pants do the Super Mario Brothers wear?

Denim. Denim. Denim.

Final score:

4points

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#33

This morning, I coughed up a rook, knight, and a p**n. I think it's a chess cold.

Final score:

4points

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#34

I used to think this one was SO funny, and Idk why...
why was 6 afraid of 7
because 7 ate 9
I remember giggling for 12 hours straight because of this joke when i was 6 or 7. I thought it was hilarious.

Final score:

4points

[untitled human]

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#35

If you see a very drunk person hanging on a lamppost, how can you tell that he is a Freudian Psychologist?

He is singing the old Victorian love song "I want a girl, just like the girl, that married dear old dad."

Final score:

3points

#36

Do you know what Mt. Saint Helen's looked like before they carved it?
They say its beauty was un-president-ed (unprecedented).

Final score:

3points

Lil Miss Hobbit

#37

What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
Sofishticated

In the event of a fire, what steps should you take?
Really big ones

Final score:

3points

MicrowaveGoddess

#38

Did you know that Diarrohea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans

Final score:

3points

#39

Actually said by my dad-

Me: So, are you good at PowerPoint? 'Cause I need help.
Dad: I can say that I EXCEL at it.
Me: Was that a microsoft joke?
Dad: Word.

I'm fairly sure he watches too many shorts.

Final score:

3points

Pansexual Child of Hades

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#40

son: dad... im gay....
mom: fred... don't. you. dar-
dad: HI gay im dad!

Final score:

3points

Everest the bookworm

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#41

Q: Why were sodium and chlorine arrested?
Ans: For a salt

Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
Ans: If you can’t helium or curium then you might as well barium

Final score:

2points

Stardust she/her

#42

Can February March?
Idk, but April May!

Final score:

1point

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#43

I had a job at an ED clinic…
I had to quit because I haven’t gotten a raise in years.

Final score:

1point

#44

Kid: "Dad, how long to dinner?"
Dad: "about 2 and a half foot"

Final score:

1point

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#45

My sister once asked my dad if she was adopted and he replied "if I had a choice do you think I would've picked you?" Hahaha he has a wicked dark sense of humour

Final score:

1point

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#46

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No-eye-deer

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no-eye-deer

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, ears or legs?
A: Anything you like, he can't hear you

Final score:

1point

#47

Squirrel fried itself on a transformer, power went out. Next station picks it up, comes back on. It fails, power goes out. This happened about 5 times. After power out for the time being, Dad looks at me and says "This is the worst disco I've ever been to."

Final score:

1point

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#48

Orignally, the Dwarves from Snow White, were 9, not 7. But, when Tasty went missing, Hungry got banished

Final score:

1point

#49

How does a cheerleader answer the phone?

Give me an "H", give me an "E", give me an "LL-O"!!!!

Final score:

1point

ArodTheHorrible

#50

How did Hitler tie his shoes ?

In little knotsies !

Final score:

1point

#51

How many times do you have to tickle and octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-Tickles…

Of course it already has 8 of them, so the first two are just Test-Tickles!

Final score:

1point

#52

What did the pencil say to the paper?
“I dot my i’s on you!”

Final score:

1point

Rainbowskull13 (she/her)

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#53

two guys walked into a bar. you think the second one would have seen it coming

Final score:

1point

DustTea (she/her)

#54

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef

Final score:

1point

#55

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

Final score:

1point

#56

Where did George Washington hide his armies?

In his sleevies

Final score:

1point

#57

Q: How do you make a sausage roll?
A: You push it down the hill.

Final score:

1point

#58

Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was assaulted!

Final score:

0points

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#59

It's easy to make plans for date-night with a gymnast - they're very flexible.

Final score:

0points

#60

Know why your bike is leaning against the garage?
It's TWO tired. get it?
Two tired.

Final score:

0points

#61

[At the grocery store] Don't look at that shelf! Don't watch salad dressing, you pervert!

Final score:

0points

#62

Two nuns walk into a bar and the third one ducks.

Final score:

0points

Green Shoe Laces

#63

Me: Dad, you really can't believe everything you hear on Fox News! You have to do some research!
My dad: If I wanted to hear from an a*****e, I'd just fart.

Final score:

-1point

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#64

This one is a joke my step dad likes to tell. He's a Catholic for background.

Dad: how do you teach religion?
Me: how?
Dad: feed'm s**t

To know faith in Latin is "fidem scire" pronounced FEE-dim SHEER-eh.

Here's one I tell my kids. There were two cats having a boat race. One cat was named One Two Three, the other cat was Un Deux Trois. Which cat won the race? One Two Three did, unfortunately the Un Deux Trois cat sank.

Final score:

-1point

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#65

Here’s something my dad used to say when I put the word ‘succeed’ in a sentence:
Dad: “What succeeds?”
Me: “I don’t know”
Dad: “A budgie with no teeth”

Final score:

-1point

#66

what’s green and has wheels?
grass. i lied about the wheels

Final score:

-1point

DustTea (she/her)

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Emotional Support Velociraptor

I'm just a happy velociraptor who likes hugs and food. If you ever need encouragement or someone to talk to, I'll be right there! My name is Lightning, and I can usually be found in funny posts or those involving cats. Love you guys!

I'm just a happy velociraptor who likes hugs and food. If you ever need encouragement or someone to talk to, I'll be right there! My name is Lightning, and I can usually be found in funny posts or those involving cats. Love you guys!

Ieva Midveryte

Hello Pandas! My name is Ieva, though it's often mistaken for the word 'Leva,' and in Lithuanian, it means 'loser' (insert the pain emoji). While I don't take offense if you accidentally call me a loser, I thought I'd share something interesting with you, which I also do professionally at work.Anywayyy, my favorite part here is introducing you to creative people who deserve just as much recognition as famous celebrities. Besides that, I also enjoy memes and funny, lighthearted posts, and occasionally, I find myself drawn to a bit of internet drama.

Hello Pandas! My name is Ieva, though it's often mistaken for the word 'Leva,' and in Lithuanian, it means 'loser' (insert the pain emoji). While I don't take offense if you accidentally call me a loser, I thought I'd share something interesting with you, which I also do professionally at work.Anywayyy, my favorite part here is introducing you to creative people who deserve just as much recognition as famous celebrities. Besides that, I also enjoy memes and funny, lighthearted posts, and occasionally, I find myself drawn to a bit of internet drama.

What do you think ?

Speedgoat 1 year ago

As a dad, I can confirm that this is quality content.

5points

fadedandjaded 1 year ago

some of my favorites are part of Cyanide and Happiness' "Jim Saga" (the last two aren't canon though, so don't worry) https://cyanideandhappiness.fandom.com/wiki/Jim_Saga

0points

Speedgoat 1 year ago

As a dad, I can confirm that this is quality content.

5points

fadedandjaded 1 year ago

some of my favorites are part of Cyanide and Happiness' "Jim Saga" (the last two aren't canon though, so don't worry) https://cyanideandhappiness.fandom.com/wiki/Jim_Saga

0points

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