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My bf and I have been together for over a year. I love him, but I am struggling with knowing whether I see a long-term future for us. I have always seen myself being alone. As much as I have thought about weddings and having kids and being married, I never really, honestly, saw that happening.

I gave the relationship a shot because I really liked him and he's the closest I've ever been to wanting to be with someone. I am very free-spirited and independent and he's always afraid I'll just get bored and move on. That's not going to happen, but he's not wrong that I have the constant itch to move in life and cut old ties.

How do I know if I should stay? How do I know what is my fear of commitment and what is just me being honest with myself? How do I know if I really just like him, or if I actually like us together?

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#1

Think about your life before you met him, and about how it would be if you broke up with him. Were you happier before meeting him, and do you think you will be happier in the future if you break up? If yes, there's your answer. If no, again, there's your answer.

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Papa
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#2

If its been over a year and you aren't sure then it is a no go. You be you and move on. Give your soon to be ex boyfriend the chance to find someone that wants to have life with him.

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Vermonta
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#3

If you're asking the question, the only reason you haven't left is fear of change.

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Heffalump
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The 0roburos
The 0roburos
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1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You are young and have some time. there is no rush.. you never marry the first one.. its just about getting perspective at this point. Life is not a movie, actions have extreme consequences and if you stay and not "see what else the world has to offer you" you will come to resent him.. the well spring of your love will become tainted and that is not what you are looking for, Trust me.. go "get some dirt under your nails" .

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#4

Forty yo here. I read in the comments you are in your early 20's, and I certainly don't know you or your boyfriend, but here is my piece of advice. I can only talk from experience. In my view, you don't "find" a couple. Relationships are built, overtime, with patience, love, understanding and *common goals and interests*. This last bit is very important. Best partners are the ones that help each other to grow.
If you can't see each other in the future building something together, or see the potential for it, if you like him, even if you love him, but do not share *anything* in common, move on. End things maturely, but end them.
But, if you *do* see a potential, you still have time! You both are very young. I assume either barely out of college or starting a job. It is only natural to want something new, so do it: Travel alone for a year. Visit other places. Move city. Or, if not practical, try signing up to a class or course you want (pottery, writing, art, etc.). Try new experiences and meet new place. Keep your relation for now, but be open to new things.
Life will take you apart or join you anyway in the end. People change. Question is whether or not you want to change together. Good luck!

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Luis Hernandez Dauajare
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Papa
Papa
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1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you don't mind, I would like to expand on your first paragraph. Life is not a Hallmark movie. Having a good relationship takes a lot of hard work, from both people. It doesn't just happen automatically.

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#5

are you happier when you're together or apart?

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les
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#6

Hard to answer this one.. it reminds me of a friends who was married and had a kid but enjoyed travelling alone in summer. He met another woman, he divorced and married the other woman. He told me since he knows her, he doesnt want to travel alone anymore but likes to do it together with her.

Good luck and i genuinly hope you find An answer

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SnackbarKaat
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#7

Gotta ask ... how old are you both ?

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#8

Okay. One of the comments say that you should contemplate whether or not you feel happier with him or by yourself. I agree but would like to add that you should also consider if you would regret leaving him at a point in time. If this is so, consider if you would benefit more without him while leaving feelings completely out of it. Best of luck!

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#9

... take all advise you see, consider whatever sounds soundly reasoned, and then make up a rough sketch of your mind. What's pro, what's con about the relationship? What's worth how much, of all those, what's ignorable, what's important? Then, talk to him. See how well you match. Decide. But, that's up to you, ultimately. ... guide them to water, you can, but drinking, they gotta themselves.

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DC
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#10

Not enough information to work with. Need to know your age, your hobbies and whether you share any, your views on sεx, views on money, views on politics, views on kids, whether you like your "future inlaws", etc.

If you do not have at least one hobby in common; if you disagree on how to manage money (save vs spend vs plan long distance); whether you both are into boring vs BDSM vs whatever types of sεx, whether you are both left wing or right wing, whether you both want kids at some stage, etc.

If you are in fact "free spirited" and not ready for commitment, then just stay in it for a year and see how it goes.

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#11

Give in to your itch, move in life. If he wants to come with you: brilliant.

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Bartlet for World Domination
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#12

Someone ones told me, life is a journey across the sea of time. Do you want to make this journey alone, or do you want a co-pilot to help steer the plane to safe harbours? If so, is this person someone you can see as being this co-pilot, or would you rather suffer 'training up' another, then another and yet another one? Is it good to have him/her around, especially through storms and turbulence, but also especially on those long, boring stretches?
But try to look into yourself. Why do you see yourself mostly as being alone? Is it insecurity, fear of being rejected, are there many family-structure changes in your history? Does difficulty of settling down to do with ADHD-like challenges? How is your BF in that regard, could he be interested in travel/ regular shifting life-goals, new experiences. Do you like/love, but at the same time have to conform yourself all the time to his way of living, or does his way of living actually help you settle/ give you a balance/anchor to bloom even more?

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#13

I spent my 20s moving from country to country and continent to continent, so I understand the drive to keep moving. I still feel it, although I have children now, which makes that complicated (kids don't travel well). I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, I don't even know you. But whatever you decide, I hope that you can be mature enough to have an honest conversation with this man. He is also a person, who has his own desires and goals. It would be tragic for him to make plans for his future with you, while you're making plans to leave. If you want to go, then go. But don't string somebody along, and make them believe in a certain future that you have no intention of creating. And if you have this conversation, who knows, maybe you'll find that his wanderlust is as great as yours, and you'll have a travel companion. I will also just add that many parts of the world are not safe for people traveling alone, and that is doubly true for a woman traveling alone. Sometimes having a companion isn't the worst thing in the world.

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BeesEelsAndPups
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Child of the King
Child of the King
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1 month ago

This comment has been deleted.

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#14

Sounds like you're in love with being in love. All those things will come in time but your partner is there every day. Relationships are tricky so anytime you have to talk yourself into loving somebody then you're in the wrong place.

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Jimmy Pea
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#15

If you like him, maybe even love him, then have a conversation that begins with, "I'm a free-spirit and wouldn't mind you coming along for the ride, but you gotta be up for turning on a dime, going at a moments notice, total spontaneity." or something along those lines. Make sure he knows you're not bored of him, but of circumstances, and if he's willing to come along, Great!

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Wednesday
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#16

OK, I don't have a perfect answer for you, but I can't help but ask--what is it you really WANT for your future? You mention "not seeing" marriage and kids--does that mean you don't want those things, or you just assumed you wouldn't have them. You ask if you "should" stay, but do you want to stay? It sounds like you may need to spend some time considering what you want for yourself, and then talk with BF about how your relationship may or may not fit into that. Take it from a gal who was divorced by 24 (yup, divorced before my brain had even finished developing, ha), it is better to figure out what you want, what you're willing to compromise, and what is truly non-negotiable before you get in over your head.

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#17

I'm almost 70 but during those early years when my friends, relatives and I started dating and eventually finding that special someone, a few of them had fear of commitment or thought they might find someone better or had avoided relationships all together.
Fast forward to today and most of them found love and are content with that special someone. The ones that are still "unattached" appear to be spouting the same excuses that they had dragged out 50 years ago. The only difference now is that their tone is now one of desperation and loneliness.
Finding love can happen at any age but life is so much better when you can share it with someone who loves you.
I'm not suggesting that you settle for anyone to avoid loneliness in your old age but life always hits you with surprises on your journey.
For myself, I've found a test for true love could be an agreed upon week of separation. No calls, texts or in-person visits. Give each other a break. If your week without your boyfriend included longing and constantly thinking about him, then there's a pretty good chance that you're really in love and he's probably the one for you. If that week of separation felt like liberation and you hardly gave him a second thought, then you know the answer. Good luck to you.

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#18

I can't tell someone how to run their relationships. You need to decide for yourself if you want to stay in the relationship. You have more pressing questions to ask than "Should I stay?" That much I can say for certain. If you and your BF have a mis-match in values and/or expectations, the sane thing to do is have a friendly and loving discussion about it. Seems appropriate after a year.

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Susan Stead
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#19

OP, you sound a lot like the life trajectory I took. I think your prose answered your own question. What I would recommend is that as you make this change, build very strong friendships. But also beware that as they get married and are occupied by all that involves, you will need to keep evolving your friendships. Also, relatives with kids can help give you that dose of fun with kids, and you get to return them.

The freedom of not having children is amazing. Some may find this distasteful, but it will save you a lot of money. The other item I might add, is that there is sometimes a hostility against women who choose to not have children. Unfortunately, we are seeing this play out in good ole' American politics right now.

Do what you feel is right for yourself and nobody else.

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JK
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Lil Miss Hobbit
Lil Miss Hobbit
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1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree on some of your points. I think being childfree has a lot of benefits, but so does having kids! If I am not in a solid marriage I probably wouldn't have children, but I also love kids so maybe someday.

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#20

You already know. The answer is no.

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Only Me
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#21

I would suggest you sit down and talk with him. Be honest with how you feel because honesty is important as well as being willing to talk about things like that.

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Child of the King
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#22

There's no right time, there's no "one person" for any of us. If you leave, he can find someone else. You can find someone else. No one's future is written in stone.

Only you can know if moving on is right for you. It doesn't have anything to do with him. If you want to stay you'll stay, if not you'll go. It's about what you want most. Figure that out, and you'll know what you should do.

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#23

Talk to him. Maybe get a therapist involved. You seem to genuinely care for him, but you definitely need to figure it out or you’re just going to hurt yourself and him. Good luck xx

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#24

be with him until you find a reason not to

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Smol Frog
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#25

F**k You, F**k Him, F**k Everyone. Literally, not derogatory. Sex is life. If the sex he gives you is great then, great. Keep up the good fuckwork. If you're bored or not totally fulfilled, invite someone else. Invite several someone's. Build yourself a Harem. Build yourself a TEAM. Team work makes the Dream Work. Have someone for adventure, Have someone for debauchery, Have someone for incredible finance management, Have someone for adventure, Have someone for chill time, Have all who meets your goals with you and helps you exceed them goals.

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Chris Koba (Kobaface)
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Lil Miss Hobbit
Lil Miss Hobbit
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1 month ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ew, why would you say this??? I am here for a relationship, not just to selfishly have all my sexual wants fulfilled.

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#26

Life is too short to date a******s. If you know by now, you know he is not right. You do. Goes for men dating women as well. They are never going to change for you , and you aren't going to change for them.

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