1. “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”
2. “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!”
3. “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.”
4. “Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.”
5. “Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.”

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Dustin Conran

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Don't put your lips on it

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Vermonta

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I'd love to live in an idiot-free neighborhood, even if I were the only one around ••• You disgust me in a positive way ••• If the space between your ears were a priestly office, it would be vacant ••• Only when a mosquito lands on your testicles, you will learn to resolve conflicts without violence

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martymcmatrix

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I'd love to live in an idiot-free neighborhood, even if I were the only one around ••• You disgust me in a positive way ••• If the space between your ears were a priestly office, it would be vacant ••• Only when a mosquito lands on your testicles, you will learn to resolve conflicts without violence

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martymcmatrix

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I was grumpy one day and my sister said, "Girl, you are like a stick and everyone else look'n like a piñata."

It stuck with me because it was such a funny way of saying "Chill out and stop taking your stress out on us."

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Lil Miss Hobbit

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My young son one day asked me to explain what happens during an eclipse. I said , "no son".

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Geoff Pearce

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Not exactly a one-liner, but, I occasionally will seem suddenly excited, point at a random spot on the floor and yell “Look! Fish tracks!” Everyone always looks. 50% find it hilarious and 50% are extremely confused. I just go back to whatever I had been doing previously

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