Hey Pandas, Share Your Best Jokes! (Closed)

No joke is too dark, dirty, offensive, funny, childish, smart, or stupid for this post.

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Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the other ... Damnit!

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Final score:

9points

Nathaniel (He/Him) Cis Het.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.

Why is 10 traumatised? Because 10 in the middle of 9/11.

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Final score:

5points

Nathaniel (He/Him) Cis Het.

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KittyGaming 1 year ago

Bro yesterday was 9/11, wrong timing

-1point

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Most of the jokes here are about 9 11 and racism and dark and other bad stuff. Here's a palate cleanser.

I asked a subway worker to make me a tuna sandwich. He took the tongs, waved them around, and said "abracadabra you are a tuna sandwich"

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Final score:

5points

_-DungeonKeeper-_

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Helen Keller walks into a bar.
Then a table, then a chair.

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Final score:

3points

Squidward’s Nose

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Der Kommissar 1 year ago

How did Helen Keller burn her ear? she anwered the iron

0points

No joke too dirty?
*What do you call a man who has sex eith rabbits? Elmer F**k.
*A man walks into a whorehouse and asks for a woman. The madame of the house tells him that since it is a busy night all the girls are busy, unless he wanted a 90 year old woman. He reluctantly agrees and takes the old woman into a room. They start going at it until the man stops. "You're not wet yet" he tells her. "Just a moment, sonny" she replied and she walked into the bathroom. She gets back into bed 2 minutes later and they continue. Afterward, the man asks the old hooker, "How did you get so wet so fast?" "Simple, sonny" she replies. "I picked my scabs."

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Final score:

3points

MedusaWasBeautiful

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My Biology teacher: "You guys were so bad at posting your project videos on the Canvas page! I had to shrink so many of them, you should have seen how big some of them were!"

Me to my friend: "That's what she said!"

My friend: *pretends to stab me with his pencil*

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Final score:

3points

Tiramisu

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You see a pet shop but us monsters see a delicatessen.

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Final score:

3points

James Ward

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What do you call a girl you've dated once before? Chick-ago

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Final score:

3points

iamjusthereforthecruise

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What do you call a girl you've once dated? Chick-ago

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Final score:

3points

iamjusthereforthecruise

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Abnus 1 year ago (edited)

Duplicate. Some people might downvote this post.

1point

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#10

What do you call a man carrying a shotgun? 'Sir'

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Final score:

3points

Abnus

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Flaming Koala From Harvard 1 year ago

True

1point

#11

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great -great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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Final score:

3points

Abnus

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#12

During my check-up I asked the Doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and
healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

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Final score:

3points

Abnus

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#13

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon."

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Final score:

3points

Abnus

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#14

I went to this haunted house for exploration. It was near the forest so the local guide warned me that I might find some animals there. Sure enough, there was a panda. When I offered it some food, I was taken aback because it suddenly started talking. Turned out that it was a ghost panda and it only ate bam-booooo!

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Final score:

3points

Abnus

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#15

A Horse Walks into a Bar... He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, Y, and z, and × and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."

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Final score:

3points

Abnus

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#16

Last one: A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.
The poster reads:
"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."
The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.
30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.
"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.
20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.
He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."
The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.
"There's no way you're bilingual."
The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

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Final score:

3points

Abnus

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#17

How is a religion like a p#nis?
It’s fine to have one, it’s fine not to have one. The problems start when you start shoving it down children’s throats.

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Final score:

2points

Squidward’s Nose

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FLAMING KOALA 1 year ago

Ayo

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#18

What do Batman and dentures have in common?
They both come out at night.

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Final score:

2points

Squidward’s Nose

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#19

What’s the difference between Batman and a shoplifter? Batman can go into a store without Robin.

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Final score:

2points

Squidward’s Nose

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#20

How do you surprise a blind guy?
You leave the plunger in the toilet.

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Final score:

2points

Squidward’s Nose

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#21

Don’t be offended by this one, purely meant for comedy. If you get offended easily, DO NOT READ IT. You’ve been warned! Heheh! What do you call a gay person on fire?
LGBBQ.

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Final score:

2points

Squidward’s Nose

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Isa's left eye 1 year ago

I really hate it when bigots make an actually good joke but I just choked on my water

3points

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#22

What does 36+16 equal to?
A prison sentence.

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Final score:

2points

Squidward’s Nose

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Isa's left eye 1 year ago

This comment has been deleted.

2points

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#23

What do you call man with a seagull nest on his head?

Cliff

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Final score:

2points

Duvet Woman

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#24

Why do adults never understand school shooting jokes?
Guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.

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Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

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#25

What was going through the heads of the 9/11 victims on the 42nd floor?
The 43rd floor.

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Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

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FLAMING KOALA 1 year ago

What is up with the 9 11 jokes? The surviors probably have trauma from this and you're just playing into their trauma! I don't need to do the joem I did on all the other 9 11 posts, but again, it hurts. It is only funny if there are no painful memories tied to it and if you had a bad memory tied to it that u got over I'm happy for u but please tone it down a little bit.

2points

#26

What is the difference between Mcdonald’s and 9/11?
Mcdonald’s has a drive-through and the Twin towers have a fly-through.

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Final score:

1point

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FLAMING KOALA 1 year ago

Bro what's up with the 9 11 jokes my grandma almost died and so many people were lost leave sep 11 2001 alone

3points

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#27

What do you call a white person set on fire?
A firecracker.

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Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

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See Also on Bored Panda

Woman Put A Water Fountain With A Camera In Her Yard, Here Are 24 Photos Of Regular Visitors (New Pics)

“Ma’am I Live Here”: Woman Refuses To Back Out Of Driveway, Learns A Lesson The Hard Way

#28

What’s the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?
Two hands on your shoulders.

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Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

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#29

What do men have in their pants that’s only 3 inches long, but can fully satisfy a woman?
Their credit card.

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Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

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FLAMING KOALA 1 year ago

I thought it was- you know what nvm little kids use this

2points

#30

I’ve actually heard this one a few times before! What’s the difference between Usain bolt and Hitler?
Usain bolt can finish a race.

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Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

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Isa's left eye 1 year ago

Can we agree to disagree abt the major things and the BP war and just be friends anyways cause I love your sense of humour

3points

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#31

A woman is checking out at the grocery store.
She puts bananas, coffee, soy milk, oatmeal, and hairspray on the conveyor belt. The cashier smiles at her and says, “I can tell you’re single.”
“Oh, ha, how did you know?” the woman asks, blushing.
“Because you’re f*****g ugly.”

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Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

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FLAMING KOALA 1 year ago

I accidentally loled and am hoping no one heard

1point

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#32

What did Cinderella do when she arrived at the ball?
She gagged!

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Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

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#33

Why do orphans play GTA?
To be wanted.

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Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

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#34

What did the helicopter say to the mountain?
“Kobe.”

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Final score:

1point

Squidward’s Nose

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#35

Some more rancid jokes:
*What's worse than eating 56 oysters out of your grandmother's c**t? Finding out there were only 55 oysters.

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Final score:

1point

MedusaWasBeautiful

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#36

A paraplegic walks into a bar.
Wait, no , he doesn't

A bull was cold so he went into the barn and slipped into a warm jersey.

Bartender; " We don't serve time travelers. "
A time traveller walks into a bar.

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Final score:

0points

Der Kommissar

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Woman Moves Out Of Parents' Home After They Asked Her To Give Her Space To Brother, They Freak Out

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#37

What is something you can’t say in a superhero movie?
“Is it a bird, is it a plane, well whatever it is, it’s heading straight for the world trade center.”

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Final score:

-1point

Squidward’s Nose

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FLAMING KOALA 1 year ago

Ouch dude that hit me right here *points to world trade center*

1point

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#38

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini.
The bartender thinks this is a bit strange, then realizes he is actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he just had. But his wife just ignores him.
The man turns and begins to sob as he realizes his marriage is in shambles.

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Final score:

-1point

Squidward’s Nose

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