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Hey Pandas, Post Your Dark Jokes. There Shall Be No Light (Closed)

So, a while back, there was a post titled "Hey pandas, what's your best dark joke?" I responded with a few. I asked, "If you want more, either comment that you do or like!" A bunch of people liked it, and I got a comment saying "MOOOREEE." Unfortunately, the page is locked. Welp, here are your "MOOOREEE."

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#1

My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

Final score:

12points

bored.hampster 3 years ago

LMFAO

6points

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#2

im not trying to be racist but what do you call a blind German? a not see.

Final score:

9points

Commander Rex 3 years ago

That is perfect. No light on this one

3points

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#3

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Final score:

9points

Aroace tiger 3 years ago

Can confirm. Have tried on a few of my friends. They never thanked me though

8points

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#4

What's the difference between a hooker and 23 dead babies?

There aren't any hookers in my basement.

Final score:

8points

deletemyaccount

bored.hampster 3 years ago

it took my a few minutes to understand that one

3points

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#5

Kid: Mom what's Dark Humor?
The Mom: See that kid with no hands? Tell him to clap.
Kid: But Mom, I'm blind.

Final score:

8points

ThatOneCrazyFanGirl

PuRPleDrAgON1 3 years ago

OMG

6points

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#6

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Final score:

8points

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#7

my grief counselor died the other day.
he was so good at his job, i dont even care.

Final score:

7points

Sista of the moon 3 years ago

Oh_

4points

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#8

a friend asked for a first aid kit but I only had a second aid kit. mysteriously he died a few minutes later.

Final score:

7points

Theron Carpenter

Callista pierce 3 years ago

i dont really get it

1point

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#9

one day i gave a blind kid a gun. then i told him it was a hair dryer

Final score:

7points

Commander Rex 3 years ago

Good... GOOD

3points

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#10

5 year old: I want to die in my sleep like grandpa!
13 year old sister: I want to die screaming like everyone else in the car!

Final score:

6points

mariahcareysleftnip(they/them)

bored.hampster 3 years ago

oh god. umm

3points

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#11

I once had a friend who was dying in my hands, and I couldn’t do anything about it. For some reason, he really wanted me to have his epipen.

Final score:

6points

Monolicle Potato

Theron Carpenter 3 years ago

hehe

2points

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#12

I cried when my dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.

Final score:

6points

bored.hampster 3 years ago

Classic

3points

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#13

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Final score:

5points

Dylan(He/Them) 3 years ago

Haha

3points

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#14

whats long, dark and makes your wife scream when i put it in her mouth: my gun, im holding your wife hostage send me 6000 dollars within the next hour

Final score:

5points

Commander Rex 3 years ago

Shoot her, she’s always stealing my sheets.

4points

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#15

I have a few:
1. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

2. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

3. They say you can feel a shiver if someone is watching you. It's been 9 months, and I can tell you don't have that sense.

4. I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

5. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

6. There's a huge difference between saying "I'm Sorry" and "I apologize". I learned the hard way at my friend's funeral.

Final score:

5points

By Deleted User

SushiPanda 3 years ago

Wow, thanks for making a post as dark as the blood on my knife down in the cellar.

5points

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#16

not really dark but people get mad when i say it. at the Boston Tea Party they really dad say "spill the tea sis"

Final score:

4points

LaKalynn Galloway

#17

Abortion isn't murder it is simply cancelling a pre-order.

Final score:

4points

#18

If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!

Final score:

4points

Commander Rex 3 years ago

Same thing with donating blood, donate a bag, hero, donate 16 gallons, murderer, I mean, a meal is a meal, a drink is a drink.

1point

#19

News: China has railways that go through buildings
Yeah, China, you aren’t special, in America, we have planes go through buildings.

Final score:

3points

AhhhhHHHHHHHHHH

Commander Rex (Submission author) 3 years ago

Hey uh, this post isn’t funny, my uncle died during that, he was the best pilot I knew

5points

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clown.juice_

yo wassup cheese bags

yo wassup cheese bags

Violeta Draseikaitė

My name is Violeta and I am an editor here at Bored Panda. I love reading memes for a living. It’s obviously much more than that, but I appreciate the variety of topics, information, and pics I get to see every day and share with the world! Those funny memes really make my day too. Being born in the ’90s in post-Soviet Lithuania speaks more about me than I’d like to admit. I’m still learning about the world and myself, but I do love my friends, traveling, art, and my cat. My favorite fact to share about myself is that I used to hide meatballs in my friend’s pockets at lunch so I could go play outside. I wish all those meatballs could find their way back to me someday.

My name is Violeta and I am an editor here at Bored Panda. I love reading memes for a living. It’s obviously much more than that, but I appreciate the variety of topics, information, and pics I get to see every day and share with the world! Those funny memes really make my day too. Being born in the ’90s in post-Soviet Lithuania speaks more about me than I’d like to admit. I’m still learning about the world and myself, but I do love my friends, traveling, art, and my cat. My favorite fact to share about myself is that I used to hide meatballs in my friend’s pockets at lunch so I could go play outside. I wish all those meatballs could find their way back to me someday.

What do you think ?

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