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I realize that the more I face this question in my Shadow Work, the more I find myself coming to the same conclusion and it never hurts any less; I base my self worth off of what others can take from me: money, government benefits, s*x, servitude, or merely something to keep around to harm. I grew up being taught and fully believing that my worth is nothing if I have nothing.

Since I was a young girl, starting at the age of three, my father was very s*xually ab*sive. As soon as I was old enough to understand what it meant to follow orders, my father had me tr*fficked around among his friends for a small fee. Ever since then and the extensive training, I have always believed that I was not worth anything if I had nothing to give.

To this day, at thirty one years, I am convinced that in order to have worth, I need to be backed up by something - I need to have an income, I need to have an expendable resource that can be taken from me or used... in order to have worth, I need to benefit others. A trait that I've developed from this trauma is a fear of poverty and homelessness and anxiety when it comes to numbers. I've got dyscalculia anyway, so dealing with numbers is already stressful. I realize that I have a lot of un-learning to do. Pavlovian conditioning, the way I experienced it is very harsh and cruel and one thing I must remember is that I am not worthless, as a human being and living, breathing soul, I am priceless.

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I'm so sorry for what you've been through, I admire your courage to talk about it and this very important subject. I base self worth as if we were meant to die we would've. We spent 9 months in our mother's stomach and we survived, and we're here today.

No human is worthless, as we are all guaranteed life, even though sometimes it isn't exactly the way we want it to be. I don't base self worth on income, personality, looks or anything like that. I believe that all humans are born with worth and are a precious key to this world.

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Jessica Snow
Jessica Snow
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That is something I'm working on understanding and believing! I know all life is precious, even my own, and even yours! Thank you for your kind words as well, that means a great, great deal!

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