Hey Pandas, I’d Like Some Advice As The Father Of A Non-Binary Kid (Closed)

First sorry, this is so long. A bit of background. About 2 years ago my middle child told us they were non-binary. I will admit that at first, my wife and I felt like they were too young to even understand what that meant. But after a few weeks of discussion, we came to understand that they knew precisely what they were telling us, and we were the idiots who failed to get it.

Anyways, this year, they have decided to come out to the school. And so the school opted to add their non-binary status to their existing IEP. All this basically means is that the guidance counselor needs to make herself available to talk to my kid if they need an adult.

They have already experienced quite a bit of bullying since coming out, but we discussed this with the school, and to the district's credit, they are serious about squashing this nonsense. I won't say this is no longer a concern, but I am confident that the school and administration are serious about making my kid feel safe. Even so, they really fight to go to school, and there are some early signs of depression and anxiety. This part is difficult for me, as I struggled with both of these issues my whole life (I'm in my 40s).

I guess my question is this. What do you wish your parents understood? What do you wish you could tell them if they weren't your parents? And what can I do to make their lives just a bit better?

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You sound like an amazing parent. I'd recommend getting them access right a therapist if you can afford it, just so they have someone to talk to. Beyond that, I think you're doing all that you can. Good luck to both you and your kid

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5points

crowspectre (he/they)

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RafCo (he/him/ele) 1 year ago

They have a whole medical team believe me. Along with their psychologist, we work with a neurologist, developmental pediatrician, occupational therapist and a socio-emotional counselor. They have really severe ADHD, and with that comes gross and fine motor function delays, executive functional delays, and difficulty maintaining relationships due to their highly reactive nature. We've had a therapist for years now. And she is just phenomenal. She is really the person that set us straight about our child, that this wasn't some phase that they were going through, but that this is who they are, and we were the problem here. Luckily, I have very good insurance, and a very good job, or we would definitely not be able to afford all of that help.

4points

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first let me applaud you for taking the time to help your kid. it would be amazing to have a parent like you. i wish my parents understood that it's not a phase and i'm not being brainwashed. be sure to involve your child in this as much as possible, there are obviously some things that you and your wife will need to do alone, but it helps to get the person you're trying to help involved. just ask them what they need, and let them know you're there. that's the best thing you can do. again, it's so awesome that you're helping your child like this :)

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freakingbee (she/they)

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RafCo (he/him/ele) 1 year ago

My concern is that there will always be things that kids don't want to talk to their parents about. I know that they will think we don't understand, and frankly we probably won't understand. But if there are things that I can be aware of without them having to tell us, it would be helpful. And I'm sure there are things unique to non-binary kids, which is why I'm here. I'm sorry you don't get the help you deserve from your own parents. I think we all want the absolute best for our kids. If we all had our choice, all our kids would live without any friction at all in their lives. Being "different" creates friction. Not saying that's right, it shouldn't but it does. Add to that, some parents have a difficult time understanding that their children are not mere extensions of themselves. They have their own inner lives. I hope things get better for you. Thank you for your advice, I wish I had some to offer you as well.

2points

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try to support them any way you can, not just the LGBTQ part of them but all of it and make sure to use their pronouns too! also educate yourself about nonbinary and all of lgbtq! the last thing if they were female buy them a binder (if they want one) or something they want to help them transition to nonbinary (less masculine or feminine clothes or whatever they prefer!)

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Everest the bookworm

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Grudge-holding Treefrog 1 year ago

I wish my mom would let me get a binder. She says that it is her job to make me feel comfortable in my body, but all she does is tell me stuff like “men can have man boobs and there are a lot of nonbinary people with boobs.” Sorry for the small rant

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Please just ask your child those questions! Those questions show how understanding and loving you are as a parent. I have two children and I ask my older one those questions sometimes and we had extremely good and open conversations.
You talked weeks to them to understand them better, that's just beautiful and you give your best. That is what matters...you are also just human and open communication is the best way. They need to trust you very much and you as a parent can say to your child: I want to support you the best way (FOR YOU), what do you need?

Also I would suggest you to look for parent groups or search for educational profiles from non binary persons on Instagram or Facebook etc
... you could ask your child which profiles they think are good, or look together.
I wish you all the best and you do a very great job!!!

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2points

Annapam

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RafCo (he/him/ele) 1 year ago

Thank you for your message. My wife has been looking into local parenting groups. It's interesting though, that all of these groups seem to lump non-binary and trans together. I would assume that there are very different struggles. But it's a good place to start. We also found a book club for trans and non-binary kids that they're interested in joining at our local library.

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I don't have children, but I'm the daughter of a non binary parent. All my childhood, I knew my father was female, that's what they told me anyway. When I was in my early twenties, they came out as non binary and honestly, it threw me a bit. I understood, at least I thought about being transgendered, but this was new. Just keep what you're doing, and love your child for who the are, which seems like you're doing. Accept them and support them. I'm not sure how to handle the other stuff, but just be there and be supportive and you'll raise a confident strong person.

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2points

Bonesko

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RafCo (he/him/ele) 1 year ago

I'd be interested in a conversation with you someday. I'd be very fascinated to know what that was like for you as a kid, and what it meant as an adult for your dad to come out.

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If they come home and tell you a story about something that happened at school or otherwise, PLEASE don't turn that situation into a life lesson. Yes, you need to teach your kids about life, but if they seem frustrated or sad or just extremely emotional in any way, just let them vent. They will figure things out on their own. :)

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Smxllpotxto

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RafCo (he/him/ele) 1 year ago

Thank you, that would be my first instinct. But that's fair. I cannot solve all of their problems.

0points

First, you're doing great. Second, try to bring up the signs you're seeing with them, and see if they need anything with dealing with depression and anxiety, whether it's that they just need someone to listen, or professional help, make sure they're getting the support they need.

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mysterious(he/they, maybe?)

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RafCo (he/him/ele) 1 year ago

That is good advice. I will talk to them. And maybe share my own story. Thank you

0points

Ok so I have no real advice and I've read all ur comments here and I'd just like to say ur an amazing parent and I thank u and wish there were more parents as accepting as u

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Aroace tiger (she/they/he)

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Get them some books with nonbinary main characters. Watch movies with nonbinary characters with them. Representation matters. Maybe some pride events. Still treat them normal though. Make sure they know you accept them and care.

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Bookworm(she/her)

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