Hey Pandas, I Love My Mom But Is She Overstepping Boundaries? (Closed)

AITA??? My mom decided that it's okay to come over everyday single day on her lunch break because she has a house key. The problem is she never asked me. I get off early on Wednesdays and off on Fridays. Most of the time I like being alone. Also she talks constantly. She would talk to a wall if she was alone and she probably does. One time I checked the cameras while I was at work and she was talking to my dog about her day at work and what she was making for dinner. Also my dog is on a strict diet for his allergies and she gives him tons of treats and cheese and I've asked her to stop so many times but she does it anyway. It makes me angry beyond belief. I'm a VERY quiet person and don't like talking and when I'm doing stuff around the house she yells to me from the other side of the house and expects me to yell back and answer her. The other issue I have is that when she comes over she tells me to clean something every time …The dishes or do my laundry and she asks why I haven't done it yet. It's an invasion of mine and my husband's privacy because he's home early on Fridays too and he just wants to decompress when he comes home. A few times she has said “Oh I'm sorry to bother you guys I forgot your husband gets home early.” It's been that way for a year now. Also when she isn't talking and asking questions she is humming. It's not even a song. It's just an out of tune hum. I've asked her a few times to stop but she doesn't realize she's doing it. If I'm eating or watching TV or looking at my phone she sits next to me and stares. I love my mom but AITA for not wanting her to come here everyday?

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NTA she is clearly overstepping boundaries. If she won’t leave and you have asked her too multiple times either change the locks or take away the key.

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Dylan Marmaud

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*Displayname*=idk 2 years ago

Xhange the locks, she will be able to make a copy of the key.

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NTA. Change your locks, she is obviously making you uncomfy and its not ok. I would flip out if i were in your shoes

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Has sold soul for corn chip

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NTA. But have you considered that she may be lonely? Make arrangements with her to come over for a visit on one of the days you finish early and talk to her, ask her about her day/week and just put your phone down for that time. Whilst she’s there explain to her in detail why you don’t want her feeding your dog, she may not realise the issues it’ll cause. Ultimately though, we only get one mum and she’ll not be around to bother you forever. Cherish her and the time you spend together.

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Julie Lowe

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Alaina Jones 2 years ago

Favorite answer so far! Always take into consideration her feelings, but don’t ignore your own either.

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NTA. She is definitely overstepping boundaries, especially when she flat out ignores you when you've asked her to not do something, and when she tells you to clean. Change the locks and set boundaries. Tell her she needs to call before heading over to visit, to make sure you're home and not busy.

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Christina T

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NTA. I could say that she is lonely and misses you. But feeding the dog food that you told her not to? Big A move. You need to talk to her and if she keeps doing it change the locks.

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Pisco

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NTA. Your mum definitely needs to have some boundaries set for her. That said though, I wonder if she's feeling lonely or having a tough time. I think it's probably worth sitting down with her and finding out why she feels the need to drop in on you so often, as I'm assuming it wasn't always this way. Good luck!

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The_Nicest_Misanthrope

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LOL I'm sorry but I have to laugh. You're mom is overstepping into your boundaries for sure. She seems similar to my mom (grandiose narcissist, full of herself, yakky). Is yours a cosigner on your lease, that is if you rent? If not then there's no need for her to have a key to your home.
Have you tried having a heart to heart with her?

She

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LagoonaBlueColleen

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LagoonaBlueColleen (Submission author) 2 years ago

I don't know why 'she' was added. I think maybe I was gonna go on to say something else and then decided that was enough.

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Why do you think she behaves this way? Is she lonely or worried about you for some reason or the other?

Sit her for an intervention type session with your husband, both of you showing a solidified, kind but firm stance. Yes, it is important that you and your husband do it together as a unified front.

Write and read her a letter stating that you both love her but that she does not need to worry about you both and be constantly in your home. Tell her you know she cares and it is thankful you have her in your lives. You will appreciate her coming in to join you for dinner every (name a day), but to please use her time otherwise to enjoy herself. She already did more enough raising you and now it is her time to enjoy herself.

Of course she likely will react badly and hate you both for it - at least initially- but you have told her as lovingly as you can and so you should have no guilt.

Then you will have to change your locks to show how serious you are. Get a combination lock for one of your doors in the event there is an emergency and you do need her or someone else’s help to get into the house, of course changing the code immediately afterwards.

Good luck. This is a tough one and NTA.

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Danna Domini

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It is your place I think you should change your locks if she won't listen that way when you are home she can be there. She is your mother though. Mother's and father will aways be this way. You live in there house for so long they just think it normal. I would just talk to her again remind her if you have to change lock as a last thing

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Fluffy mommy panda

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#10

Your mom sounds lonely. Does she have someone to spend time with? Your dad/2nd mom or a bf/gf? (I dont assume sexual preferences for anyone.)

I know how difficult a mom & daughter relationship can be as I went thru some tough times with my mom. I kept thinking about our relationship from my point of view; she was overbearing, over opinionated, always cleaning my house when she came over, etc...

I found a letter my fraternal great grandmother had wrote to my fraternal gram (my dad's gram & mom) about my mom when my dad & her started dating. It was beautiful. I felt like I was learning about a whole other person inside my mom.

It made me realize; Moms are humans too. With thier human faults, learning how to cope in different situations, and they remember that time they spent with us and how much they love us, without trying to overstep in certain ways, but it comes out in other ways. It can be hard for a mom to let go of an adult child.

Your NTA for feeling the way you do, you're an adult, married and in your own home. But i dont think your moms is TA either. I think she needs to talk to someone, maybe find a friend to spend time with, or, try to find herself as a woman again, after all these years. Not just as a mom.

It'll be hard to have a convo like that with her bc youre still her kid. Maybe try to write her a letter telling her how you feel without blaming her for your feelings.
(Remember, not accusatory statements like "You do this..." Use I statements like "I feel this when..." But don't make it all about you either. Im sure you love her. Tell her.)

I could keep writing as this situation is not cut & dry so I'll end with this: I would encourage you to see her as a human, with all her faults before a relationship gets ruined. It'll take time for her to do the same as you two arent really communicating effectively. But with a little effort you can have the healthy relationship with her that you want.

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Liz Miner

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Mintii Bunnii 2 years ago (edited)

THIS RESPONSE 🙌 YOU NAILED IT! this post should be higher up!!!

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#11

NTA. She is overstepping your boundaries, but maybe she just wants to spend time with you/is lonely. Maybe if you made plans to go to dinner/do an activity with her, she might let up. If not, I’d recommend changing your locks/adding another lock.

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The Panarchist (They/He)

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#12

Julie Lowe is right.
First have a sit down tell her everything that she does and then politely tell her how it all affects you.
Give it about a week to settle in. If she continues to intrude, and feed your dog , and get into your business take her key or change the locks.
Don't forget to hang out with her. She is trying to bond. I hear it through you. even if you don't. She is your mother, she loves you. She just wants to keep you close to her.

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Yeet_girl360

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