I have noticed that a lot of my codependent behaviors stem from the ab*se I've endured as a child. I seek validation from outside sources instead of from inside myself. I am not good at setting boundaries and often allow others to cross mine. When I do set boundaries, they are a bit extreme or unrealistic. I am almost determined to do whatever it takes to not be alone with my thoughts. I even find that I sometimes engage in the toxicity of others in order to avoid any toxicity of my own.

What makes a behavior toxic isn't just whether or not it harms someone or yourself, but whether or not it harms your ability to thrive or whether or not the behavior somehow goes against your own core values. That being said, I do believe my codependent behaviors are toxic.

Seeking validation from others, allowing people to cross my boundaries, setting unrealistic standards, avoiding my own demons, and feeding into the fires that burn me are all toxic in the sense that I cannot thrive if I am stunting my own ability to become independent and problem-solve on my own. As mentioned in my previous post, being alone or feeling somehow abandoned makes me feel like I'm made to deal with the complexities of life on my own. Being alone is very frightening for me and I suppose that I'm afraid of the anxiety that comes with the unknown - relying on someone else takes away that fear.

My Personal Goals as a Codependent:

- Learn how to find validation within myself.

- Learn to set more realistic, reasonable boundaries.

- Take time to intentionally be alone with my thoughts.

- Do not encourage toxicity with toxcitity.

I think the best way to go about these goals for now is to simply bring them up with my therapist and see if we can't come up with some tools or exercises to encourage a healthy change. Brainstorming on my own, I can attest that I'll need to give myself more positive affirmations and I'll need to write out my thoughts a bit more. My overall desire to journal and blog is just now starting to resurface, so I think now is a great opportunity to spend time with my thoughts and really decide on what kind of boundaries I need to set and what kind are just too unrealistic by applying common sense and wise-mind. Lastly, I need to just not feed the fire. I need to understand that not everyone can be helped, not everyone has the same mindset as me, and not everyone knows when enough is enough. I know better, so I ought not fuel out-of-control fires.