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Hey Pandas, Do You Have Any Tips For Coming Out?
I am probably not going to anytime soon but it would be useful to have tips for if I do. Please, share your tips.
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#1
make sure you have a safe place to go if your parents are less than happy. practice what you want to say as well.
Final score:
41points
jolie laide 1 year ago
This is... really tricky. Go with your gut, watch and listen to what you see at home, when it comes to your family. Some families already know and are just waiting to hear it from you. Others might seem supportive outside of your household, but as soon as YOU come out... then it's a different story. One of those, "I have no problem with it but not MY kid!" kinda deals. Those types are almost impossible to suss out before hand. Even before telling friends or extended family, research the law in your area. In some/a lot of places, kicking your kid out of the house is parental abandonment/neglect, so look for LGBTQ+ teen shelters in your area, clubs, groups, anything in your area. If you need to, call the cops. CPS (child protective services), etc. Do your homework. A lot of people won't need this info, but there's still a lot who might. And if you don't need it, you can pass it on to others.
#2
Don't tell your parents if you're not sure they will support you. This suggestion is sad, but it's true. Some parents we're raised to acknowledge LGBTQ people. Tell your friends who are likely more open-minded.
Final score:
31points
Themoonprincess 1 year ago (edited)
My bestfriend came out to me. They can never tell their parents. We live in a very homophobic society. It just hurts to see they struggling everyday hiding their true selves. And I wish you all the best op.
#3
Make sure you tell people you absolutely trust and make sure you have an ally if needed. If your parents aren’t happy about it, keep in a safe place and get backup.
Final score:
18points
#4
Have an idea of how you want to do it, but try not to overthink it- I know how easy it is to get overwhelmed and start getting shaky and talking too fast, so keep it simple :)
Also, make sure you're able to come out safely. As much as I hate telling people they need to stay closeted, don't come out if you think it might put you in legitimate danger.
Good luck!
Final score:
15points
#5
As someone who identifies as bisexual and has a gay son, I just feel like the whole concept of 'coming out' is utterly redundant. No straight person goes to their parents/ friends and tells them that they would like to have relationships with someone of the opposite sex... why should that be any different for someone who is gay? It's no one else's business but your own and if people don't love you for who you are... in your entirety... then they aren't worth your concern.
Final score:
15points
MonsterMum 1 year ago
My thoughts exactly. I was annoyed recently when some said about my son 'when he gets interested in girls....' He might like girls, boys, both or neither. I won't assume anything and all I want is him (and his siblings)to be is happy.
#6
Make sure that you have friends that support you. My parents weren't that happy about me being bi, and my friends helped me get through it.
Final score:
12points
#7
Don't. just proceed like every hetero couple and say, "this is my b/gf".
Final score:
12points
daniel (pineapple he/him) 1 year ago
i would do that althoguh im not actually allowed to date anyone and im definitly not allowed to be talking to people online
#8
Depends on the country you are from.. if its USA, don't come out in a GOP led state..
Final score:
10points
#9
Well I'd start by openly watching gay things in front of the person you want to come out to, and see their reaction if they seem okay with than I'd assume it'd be safe to come out and if you can't do it with words write it out in a letter and hand it to the person I find that easier than speaking sometimes.
Final score:
10points
GhostlySnail (she/her) 1 year ago (edited)
Yeah I knew I was safe because I was watching a show and she expressed sympathy for a gay guy who was disowned
#10
I wrote a letter to the person I wanted to come out to (my parent). This allowed me to put down everything I wanted to say whilst giving them space to process it and to think about things before responding.
Whilst I was confident my parent would be 100% supportive, I wanted to give them the space and time to have their own reaction, whatever that reaction was. It had taken me into my thirties to figure things out and I believed they were allowed some room to think too. They would have had some of their own ideas about how things were and what a future might hold, things that now would not be a reality. They were allowed to have a reaction to that change, irrespective of what they felt for me and their love for me.
Allowing people time to think doesn't mean you don't have confidence in their love but it does mean they can reflect and approach you in turn with the best of their reactions and resolutions.
So, don't feel like you have to do it a certain way. Do it however you feel comfortable and in the way that works for you and the person you are telling.
Final score:
10points
#11
I literally just came out to my mom like 3 minutes ago :D (she gave me a hug) I just told her who I had a crush on, cause idk my sexuality so I couldn’t really be specific. Honestly I just randomly made myself do it, because I knew if I thought about it too much I would back out. But definitely be careful and try to read the situation at least a tiny but first :)
Final score:
8points
#12
Do it on April 1st so that if it's poorly received you can say it's a joke.
Final score:
8points
Jaya 1 year ago
Risky, they might think you're joking because it's april 1st. So there's a risk that they will respond with some unthoughtful comment or joke, but that they would actually have responded very supportively if they knew you weren't joking. It also might make them think that you think that being queer is a funny joke, so they might think that you yourself think negatively about LGBTQI+, or that you are okay with joking about queer people, so that could really backfire. Also, this might make it harder to later come out. So I'm really not sure about this one, to be honest.
#13
Just don't do what I did with my mom. She acted accepting until I came out....she yelled at me and took my phone away and made me break up with my then girlfriend she then prayed the gay away for 3 months. It's safe to say I'm so far in the closet I'm sitting on Christmas! But my advice: have 2 backup plans and DO NOT come out if your afraid they may not support. And happy pride my fellow queers!
Final score:
7points
#14
Make sure that you tell people you know that will understand, and slowly go from there and expand the amount of people that are aware, make sure you don't listen to anyone that tells you they don't want to know you or be close to you anymore as they don't deserve you anyway.
Final score:
6points
#15
Well just tell the person you’re coming out to an identity/orientation you came across recently and ask them how they feel about it. If they have a positive reaction (they are accepting it) it’s safe to come out. If it’s a negative reaction (they turn out to be homophobic/transphobic) don’t come out to that person and try to distance yourself from them as much as possible
Final score:
6points
#16
Absolutely do not come out to anybody unless you are 100% certain that they will accept you. If you are underage especially do not tell your parents unless you either know that they will accept you or that you have a safe place to go and are ok with the legal issues that would arise with leaving home early.
Do your research, take your time. Do nothing you are not certain of, because it could go very very wrong for you very very fast.
Final score:
6points
#17
Don't ever feel like you owe it others to come out. It's your decision. Everything about coming out is your choice... who you tell, how you tell them, when you tell them... it's all your choice. Also, remember there is a community out there that will support you.
Final score:
5points
#18
Tell someone you trust. Be aware that even they may have issues with what you tell them so even if the seem to back off a bit, understand they’re mentally getting used to the new you as well. And even better, they may just not care. It does get easier and easier as you go, and with every person you come out to be sure you don’t forget how strong you are and love that part of you, because coming out can be heavy stuff. also, everyone reacts differently when you come out, people you think will never talk to you again might not care at all, while unfortunately people you think might be cool turn out not to be. Just stay stay true to you.
Final score:
5points
#19
You don’t have to if the people you feel like you need to come out to are unsupportive
Final score:
5points
#20
Don't make such a big deal out of it. If you're telling friends then try to make light of it by saying something like "Lines are straight, but I'm not" Making a joke out of it can help lighten the stress. I, personally, say "You're gayer than I am, and that's saying something" Because it takes their mind off of the coming out portion and more on the 'personal attack', so the knowledge is in their brains but it's not such a 'what do I say' moment.
Final score:
4points
#21
Do not come out unless you are 100 percent positive that they will be accepting and supportive. I made that mistake with my parents and it did not end well.
Final score:
4points
#22
If you tell your friends and they don't want to associate with you any more they were never really your friends in the first place.
Final score:
4points
#23
first, make sure you have a safe environment. if you don't, find one if possible. next, (my friend did this with her mom, but her dad isn't supportive and they are divorced but anyways)
make a rainbow cookie that says a message or just your sexuality/pronouns. then,give it to the person you want to come out to
Final score:
4points
#24
Scout out the possible bigots first, if you're straight cis appearing. Meaning comment on someone real or fictional who's like you and see if they go bad about "lifestyle choices" (I still think questioning them about lifestyle choice of eye colors helps them realize). Otherwise they probably already know and will want to hear that you trust them. This advice is from a queer who was obviously not fitting into the mold and my parents probably knew before I did. Still I was really stressed about telling them any of my "not straight" parts and they were basically assuming I knew they knew.
Final score:
4points
Jaqi Hegland 1 year ago
Got together with high-school friends several years later and had one say she'd recently discovered she was a lesbian. When things were breaking up and she'd gone, we were like, "She only just realized? Should we have given her a hint maybe?"
#25
Don't bother ... either your friends/family have already figured it out and they're cool with it OR they are so stupid that they haven't figured it out. Don't waste your energy on "coming out." Use your energy just to be you.
Final score:
4points
#26
Act naturally and be totally honest. Also practice, practice, practice.
Final score:
3points
#27
If your family seems queerphobic, you should start quietly supporting pride and mentioning small things, if they don't react badly bring up/make up a queer friend/ friend coming out as queer and if they keep not reacting badly, tell them. If at any point they seem negative or threatening about this, don't come out. It's hard to be in the closet, but sometimes you need to be safe. If they're accepting, skip the first step and bring it up by mentioning a queer friend and then later come out. Good luck!
Final score:
3points
daniel (pineapple he/him) 1 year ago
im pretty sure their not queerphobic and i already have three pride flags in plain sight and my dad has noticed one but idk my mom but that sounds like very very goood idea
#28
ALWAYS. HAVE.A.BACKUP.PLAN!!!!! if your parents kick you out already have a place to go and a bag ready
Final score:
3points
#29
I wish I could say it's a cut and dry thing but it sadly isn't, but I do have some things I personally used and such.
One is know who is supportive in your life, just so you know who is the best person to go to first and who will likely support you if things go poorly.
Two, this is the hardest one in my opinion, understand that it might change things and that you maybe can't come out to some people for your own safety and just quality of life.
Three, do it on your own terms, if you can, avoid saying it in the heat of the moment or rushing it. Try and find a time for there to be room for discussion so that you can openly express yourself and help the others in your life know about it from you, not the interwebs. (But also room for an escape plan incase things sadly don't go to plan.)
Anyways, I hope this helps someone in some way. And please know that my ways won't work for everyone but I do hope everyone does find some peace and joy through embracing themselves. Have a good Pride month fellow little Panda's!
Final score:
3points
#30
Don't let your parents go through your text messages. That's how mine found out. (I didn't let them per se, but they went through them and found a bunch of s**t they aren't supposed to know)
Final score:
3points
daniel (pineapple he/him) 1 year ago
good news i dont talk about being gay on text for that exact reason
#31
Just don't. Trust me. But if you must, you should make a joke out of it.
Final score:
3points
#32
Make sure that it is safe to come out to the people you come out to. If it could put you in danger, be it mentally or physically, then you shouldn't. No one has to know and the most important thing is to be safe.
Final score:
3points
#33
Sure, just come out, who cares what others think or say. You are not a threat to anyone.
Final score:
2points
daniel (pineapple he/him) 1 year ago
well secretly your wrong as i shall spread the gay agenda mwaahhahahahaha /s
#34
Start with someone who you know won't have an issue with it. My best friend was the first person I came out to and then she came with me to tell my parents and rest of the family and friends. Made me feel safer in case anyone had a bad reaction. Thankfully they were all great, apart from my dad, who I'm estranged from anyways.
Final score:
2points
#35
Only share with who you absolutely know that will support you
Final score:
2points
#36
I don’t know if anyone already said this but you should start with your friends, give it a bit maybe a week/month (I waited longer than I should have) then tell any sibling, going for youngest to oldest, then tell your parents alongside your siblings.
Final score:
2points
Weird Panda (Submission author) 1 year ago
Oh also I have literally no idea how this helped but to my brother I just whispered “I’m gay” really fast which lead to a conversation, it was dumb tho
#37
I came out to my parents about a year ago however I often chicken out about telling people important stuff. What I did that prevented me for chicken it out was I left and no on my mom's desk before I went to school.
Final score:
2points
#38
It can help to build a support network around you first. For instance, going to LGBTQI+ spaces and making some friends there, or join a LGBTQI+ support group. That way, when you come out to your family/friends, you already have some people in your life who accept you, which will make it so much easier to deal with any potential negative responses. Being around other LGBTQI+ people, might also help you lessen your internalized homophobia, and it is much easier to deal with negative responses, if you feel confident or less ashamed about your sexuality/gender identity. Your friends and family might respond very positively, don't assume they're necessarily gonna respond negatively, just take some preparations in case they do.
Final score:
2points
#39
Don't do it in Florida.
Otherwise, make sure your best friend and chief support your age is going to be available, just in case it does not go well with your family.
Final score:
2points
#40
always stay true to yourself and what you believe in. also get a therapist if you can.
Final score:
2points
#41
Final score:
2points
daniel (pineapple he/him) 1 year ago
this is the best advice ever(im hoping it shows as nothing for everyone else for my joke to work)
#42
Two things.
First: coming out may be scary, difficult and troublesome. This doesn't mean you shouldn't be who you are.
Also...
The person you come out to might be surprised from the news and look disappointed. I know of many parents who did this mistake, they just weren't able to behave differently, being caught off guard or unable to manage their emotions. Only to regret it later. So, if they look unhappy, try and give them time. Btw, one of these people used to be my mother.
Final score:
2points
#43
Go for it! If they have a poor reaction, they are dumb and better get used to it! (no offense) if they have a good one, then I'm sure you'll be fine! Might be awkward but they'll get used to it.
Final score:
2points
#44
There is no right or wrong answer. It depends very much upon context. I came out to friends at uni first and they were of a generation where they couldn’t care less, so it was cool. I’m very lucky that family accepted me and colleagues equally think nothing of it. But if your background is such that you will face prejudice and hatred… leave. There are people and places in the world who will love and embrace you.
Final score:
2points
#45
I'm a bit of a patient person, so I am going to wait. I also need to confirm and see if I understand this fully. And also half hoping that when I’m older, maybe it'll be easier. Definitely will wait until I'm an adult, and mature, because I don't want them to count it as childish or rash. If I do everything they ask of me now, go my own way, and choose something they don't like, they don't have to feel it was their fault.
Final score:
2points
#46
Make sure you come out when you're ready. Also (though this may be specific to me) try to avoid situations where you may have to blurt out that you're [insert your label(s) here] to your mom in the middle of a huge argument when she's going through your phone for completely unrelated reasons and would probably find out very soon if you don't tell her. I was definitely not ready for that one. I don really hve any good advice because I haven't come out to anyone else irl yet, but I'm planning on just getting some cool pride pins for my bag and not actually saying anything to anyone unless they ask.
Final score:
2points
#47
yeah, in this climate in the U.S. don't do it (Currently scared and gay and married 7 years)
Final score:
1point
#48
My dad I know is Transphobic and and doesn’t support any sexuality’s besides for the LGB part of the LGBTQIA+. I’m am Bi, and have not come out yet so maybe this isn’t the best suggestion. Tell somebody who you absolutely trust and ask them if you can go to their house if you feel in danger when coming out to the person/people you want to. Which you well when/if you come out
Final score:
1point
#49
You should have A bag packed and ready to go. Best of luck!
Final score:
1point
#50
I don’t have tips, but do you have a McRib?
Final score:
0points
#51
DON'T.
Final score:
0points
#52
IF YOU WANT A GIGANTIC THING (my friend did this) DROP A FLAG ON YOUR PARENTS HEAD, YELL “IM -whatever you come out as-, WOO” and wait for your parents reaction.
Final score:
0points
#54
Repost from a different list because i literally just wrote this there before seeing this lol.
Some parents take it well and that is amazing. Some don't take it well but do come around and honestly... good for them for growing... however, many will not take it well and will not get over it. Movies need to stop showing the happy ending as frequently because even in this day and age that is not always the case (yes I realize that would have held more weight in 2015). It may not matter that your mum watched Will and Grace and the L Word-- it's very different to face it head on. I used to be very involved in the lgbtq+ clubs in high school and uni and when i would hold office hours or booth hours I would get many many horror stories about coming out. Never assume your parent will be okay, understand that there is a good chance that they have, since you were tiny, imagined how happy your life would be-- whether that involved walking you down an aisle or being a grandparent to bio babies etc... adjustment is almost always required even if they take it well.... but... for some... they will never adjust. Some will not understand that you are your own person, you have a better handle on who you are than they do. It's okay for your family not to accept you if it means you are being true to yourself-- you can choose your own family. Not every parent will be like Jay Pritchett and eventually become reasonably evolved and come around. While unfortunate, at the end of the day it is their loss.
So, here's a general PSA about coming out.
1. Make sure you have clothes at a friend's place, some parents may kick you out, make sure you have somewhere safe you can go and be supported.
2. Do not come out with your partner there if at all possible, alot of hate may be misdirected at your partner and quite frankly, even if your parents come around it may really affect their relationship going forward. Instead have a friend nearby, some sort of neutral party who can help ease tensions. Even if, in the moment, your family seems to take it well, still have other measures in place should the vibe turn once your friend leaves.
3. Though many things said can be hurtful understand that it comes from a place of love and is the mind working through something quite large. There may be many loaded questions , obviously wrong statements, many unfair arguments made, logical fallacies, etc... Silence will be your friend... a level, calm voice will be your friend. Do not attack every outlandish thing they say, instead let them have their moment and then address the actual concerns buried in there. Try to frame things according to how you feel/ have felt personally (not bringing up specific partner(s) or friends) as well as how you could imagine they would feel. In this way you aren't taking the bait and you keep the level of discourse above mudslinging. Essentially you don't give them more ammunition and you ensure, should this be the last time you speak to each other-- you didn't say something that you could regret.
4. This varies but, especially if you are young, do not go straight from your parents to your partner. Have a long term solution that isn't family to partner. Maybe that means tha you spend a month on your friend's couch before you get yourself set up with an apartment. Because, frequently, you went from your parents to your partner,-- you are now isolated, no support system outside of your partner, if the relationship is not as healthy as it once seemed you're now in a very precarious position and it can be very abusive. If the relationship doesn't work then for some, their identity and stability was reliant on their partner, they can't go back home and that lack of stability can be very detrimental to their mental health.
5. Never ever let a partner dictate when you come out. If they do or try to, end that relationship immediately. If they don't want to date someone who isn't out then don't let the door hit them on the way out. Respect boundaries.
Final score:
0points
#55
Tell them. If they are mad drag them down to hell with you, you disgusting homosexual.
Final score:
0points
Icedragocat 1 year ago
Hmm… im pansexual tho… how many types of genders are there? Is it homosexual to be attracted to a non binary person? I need to know because this ——————— found it appropriate to say that you are ‘disgusting’ for being homosexual. You’re not, be yourself and if your family will not support it, don’t come out. Dont break the bonds of your family over this. Find others to support you and remember that there will be a community here at BP for you.
What do you think ?
BittyBerry 1 year ago
I'm sorry that this is the world we live in. Anyway, happy pride month, pandas! I LOVE AND ACCEPT YOU ALL!
freakingbee (they/them) 1 year ago
commenting for him cause the account needs to be approved, he says yea
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BittyBerry 1 year ago
I'm sorry that this is the world we live in. Anyway, happy pride month, pandas! I LOVE AND ACCEPT YOU ALL!
freakingbee (they/them) 1 year ago
commenting for him cause the account needs to be approved, he says yea
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