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So, my university dorm mate and I had a bit of a conflict that has left me feeling pretty confused about whether my way of thinking is right or not.
For some context, she and I have vastly different lifestyles and outlooks on life—and when I say vastly, I really mean a very, very big difference. She's a "go with the flow," emotion-based, and impulsive sort of person, while I'm pretty much the opposite. I like rules and structure in my life, I don't enjoy deviating from my schedule, and I find it very difficult to get along with people who are air-headed or impulsive. In addition, I'm a few years younger than my roommate because we finished high school at different ages (although we're in the same year of university right now).
The conflict arose when my roommate accidentally overheard me complaining to my mom about some of the small things she did when we had gone out earlier that day. I was venting about how, honestly, I felt like I was taking care of a child during certain parts of the trip because she was clueless about how to use the public transport system and, in general, didn't think things through when doing stuff. Understandably, she felt hurt, and I apologized to her afterward when she told me she had overheard me. I acknowledge that I was being a bit harsh, but at the time, I mainly felt frustrated that I, the younger one of the two of us, had to be the one leading most of the trip.
She then said something that left me really confused—she told me that she had accepted me for who I was (preferring structure, and following schedules), but she felt like I hadn't accepted her for who she was (enjoying spontaneity). But here's what I honestly think: I don't have to accept her for who she is. Throughout the time we've lived together, I've never tried to change her or her way of living because it's none of my concern. She has every right to live the way she wants—it's her life, and it's up to her what she does with it. But I used to think that I didn’t have to act like, "Yes, I fully support you in your decisions," because if she were to ask my opinion, I would probably disagree with most of the things she says or does. She can live her life the way she wants, and I don't have to accept or support that.
But after she said that she didn’t feel accepted by me, I wasn’t so sure what to think anymore. Honestly, what advice would you all give me? Do you think I was justified in thinking this way? I just genuinely don't have anyone I can ask about this, so I turned to this site hoping for at least a few answers.
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#1
You are two different people who do things differently, and there's nothing wrong with that. But when she said "I accept you, but I don't feel accepted by you", I don't think she meant that she wants you to think the way she does things is awesome and agree with everything she says or does. It sounds like she feels like you might be critical and judging her actions, and maybe that you dislike her. My boyfriend and I are similar to you and your roommate in that I'm a bit impulsive while he's more cautious. While sometimes, we can annoy each other of course, we understand why we act like that and accept it. He knows that I make decisions quickly because sometimes you have to seize an opportunity, or adapt to handle an unexpected crisis. He needs to analyze things thoroughly to manage risks that aren't always immediately apparent. I would take some time to get to know each other better, if for nothing else than to state your issues you two have rooming together and come up with some compromises so you can coexist. But who knows, maybe you'll both learn to appreciate the others approach to life and learn from each other. Good luck!
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PunchinelloTX 2 weeks ago
You’re not required to accept or understand anyone. Yet, there’s a part of the human experience called “compassion” which you seem to be lacking. Compassion goes along with its friends generosity and empathy. These three work together. If you want friends of your own, or even to just live peacefully with someone with whom you’re forced to exist due to circumstance, you need to find a way to incorporate compassion, generosity and empathy into your life. They need NOT rule you or erase your own values, but you’ll find growing up around other people easier and more rewarding if you do. Otherwise, it’s a slow march toward middle age increasingly angry, frustrated, isolated, hurtful, and, frankly, disliked. But, hey— stick to your ideals with tirelessly unbending resolve and see how that works out for you.
PunchinelloTX 2 weeks ago
You’re not required to accept or understand anyone. Yet, there’s a part of the human experience called “compassion” which you seem to be lacking. Compassion goes along with its friends generosity and empathy. These three work together. If you want friends of your own, or even to just live peacefully with someone with whom you’re forced to exist due to circumstance, you need to find a way to incorporate compassion, generosity and empathy into your life. They need NOT rule you or erase your own values, but you’ll find growing up around other people easier and more rewarding if you do. Otherwise, it’s a slow march toward middle age increasingly angry, frustrated, isolated, hurtful, and, frankly, disliked. But, hey— stick to your ideals with tirelessly unbending resolve and see how that works out for you.
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