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Hey Pandas, AITA For Wanting To Tell My Friend That She Causes Her Own Drama? (Closed)
I (23F) have a friend (26F) who I feel like needlessly causes drama in her own life.
She constantly complains about things that are making her depression worse, to the point where it is an everyday occurrence and I feel like a lot of what she complains about is stuff that she does to herself.
For example, she complains that she and her fiance have no money to pay their bills and have to reach out to her mom for help. Meanwhile, they went to the casino not too long before that and lost $300.
She is also complaining about how "awful" her apartment is and how she wants to move into an RV and park it at an RV park here in town to save money. She is so committed to this idea that she sold her car (she works from home and her finance has a car), is selling all of her furniture, and plans on breaking her lease (which comes out to be around $2000). The problem is...she doesn't even have the RV.
Poor planning aside, I told her I thought they were rushing into this decision and that I don't think it is a good idea. They came to this life-altering decision within a week. She knows this, but my husband and I have looked into doing something similar for over a year prior to her coming to this decision. We did extensive research and found that the matinee costs, the required miles that the thing has to drive in order to function properly, the build quality (these aren't houses, they break all the time), and the rates of the RV parks made this a not viable option.
I expressed these concerns to her about an RV and she just basically dismissed me without even hearing what I had to say even though she knew how much I have looked into this. I even told her that it would be more viable to get a trailer since they already had a big SUV that could pull it and that they don't have the required miles to function properly or as much patience costs.
Not to mention, during this whole process of selling all of her stuff, she got scammed out of $3000.
I have been trying really hard to be a supportive friend to her and she use to never be this way. She would complain, but it was only every once in a while. Which is fine, everyone deserves to vent sometimes. The problem is that this is now an everyday occurrence and I feel like she just drags me down with the constant negativity. I am not sure what to do besides tell her that she does this to herself. However, I know if I do that then I will lose her as a friend because she will think that it is an awful thing to say. I am a bridesmaid at her wedding. I just want what is best for her honestly, but she needs to have a wake-up call in my opinion. I am not even sure if I want to be her bridesmaid anymore or even talk to her because that is how negative she is now. AITA for thinking this way?
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#1
Havn't you warn her? Havn't you expose the facts to her? Now let her be, let her learn from the " school of hard knocs " it teaches even the most oblivious person, as for you losing a friend... Right now She's whats called an " emotional vampire " and they will drain you of your sanity and will to live ( believe me I KNOW ), and i would definitly tell her She is the One shooting herself in the foot.
Final score:
3points
Trisha Howson 2 years ago
Yes yes yes. You have let people learn on there own. And they will drain you emotionally. Until you have no idea what to say to them. Until you are blue in the face.
#2
I had a toxic friendship with a similar personality. He was always loud and obnoxious and way into drama. You should tell her. You're NTA
Final score:
2points
#3
No. Not if you’ve tried to reach your friend and have pointed out multiple things and times he/she could have done differently and showed successful alternatives. Pandas love to confuse advice on helping people refuse to be victims with victim blaming though - so be prepared for some flak…
Final score:
2points
#4
The most loving thing you can do for her IS to point it out, lovingly and gently. Maybe take her to get coffee and then go to a park or something, and start gently. Ahead of time, let her know there is something you want to talk to her about, so she isn’t blindsided. Once there, tell her you really care about her and maybe talk about some good times you’ve had together. Always keep your voice calm even if she gets upset, and prepare your heart for the possibility of her saying things she shouldn’t (and may regret later). It could be that hearing everything laid out for her to see will surprise her; even if she gets angry at first she may come around once she realizes your care for her by bringing it all up in the first place. I hope it goes well for you! And if she explodes and is hurtful to you, and later comes to apologize, be gracious and forgive. ♥️
Final score:
2points
Erica 2 years ago
Thank you for the response! I think I might do that. Like I said, I don't really want to loose her as a friend, but its hard because I feel drained by the negativety. It hss been a very conflicting situation that has bothered me. I think what you said sounds nice and a good way to tell her without (hopefully) upsetting her!
#5
After her not listening to you after she telling you all her problems and her not taking any of your advice. Tell her stop tell you about her problems because she will soon start telling you about her rv problems and extra. To be honest it sounds like she needs to get her life together. And start thinking more clearly. I currently have someone like this and we stop talking to her souch and extra because, point blank we don't know what to tell you. And it aways sound like she wants us to feel sorry for them extra or throw money at them. We are having a hard time too. We where just smarter on how we went about things because you really have to think about what your doing. You have think about the plus and negatives before you do stuff and they didn't. You can't help people that do that. You can't help people that spend there money on stupid stuff all the time then complain they have no money.
Final score:
1point
Erica 2 years ago
I appreciate that answer. I understand what you are saying. I know I can't make her see these things and that she would have to come to the realization on her own. I am just hoping that maybe she would be able to see the lighter side of things instead of just being so negative all the time. I don't know if she wants attention from me, but maybe. Who knows right? I try to be sensitive and give people the benefit of the doubt, but you very well may be right as well. I won't give into that and I never have lol
#6
Sort of, you already said your piece/advice. You have to make the choice do you want this person in your life? Seems they are causing you more stress than being a friend. Yes we on the outside see things but if they cannot not much more you can do. Plus it is their life not yours. The bigger question, can you live with yourself just being friends right now no matter what this person does without anymore "advice"?
Final score:
1point
Erica 2 years ago
I honestly don't know. If she continues down this path, probably not. I get your point that there isn't anything I can really do for her other than advice she isn't listening to. So I guess there is only my choice in what I can do for myself. It was just hard for me to like see her doing things that sren't good and her not realizing it or listening you know? Thank you for the answer, I appreciate your insight.
#7
no disrespect, but i feel like you're trying to cause drama for this question. you know the answer, but you want people to comment. people are going to disagree and you've succeeded in causing drama.
Final score:
0points
Erica 2 years ago
Lol I wanted an opinion on how to handle a situation I was conflicted about and didn't know the right answer to. I didn't know if I was being too much or she was. Disagreements are not drama. I don't care if someone says I shouldn't tell her that. Its called an opinion which I openly asked for. How could I possibly get mad at someone for disagreeing with me when I literally asked for their opinion? What you said just was completely irrelevant and unhelpful.
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