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Any tips on how to be a better ally?

#1

Don't assume people's gender or sexuality.
If you don't know someone's pronouns, use they/them until you do. Ask if they have a partner instead of boyfriend or girlfriend. Say folks instead of ladies and gentlemen, and other stuff like that. Assuming stuff about people can be harmful, painful, and even just plain annoying.

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#2

Personally, I'd say don't make a big deal out of everything. If someone mentions their spouse/gf/bf, why would it matter to you if the person is of the opposing gender or not. Don't make things awkward by going, "omg, you're gay, that's cool! Totally support!!" After all, whom I live with, in my own home, doesn't affect you in the least. If I'm sad about having broken up, it doesn't affect you if the person I lost was male or female.

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Max Pasterski
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes, this is kinda annoying when people point that out. I already know.

#3

Hmm. I would just support them wholeheartedly. When getting hassled or verbally assaulted, stand by their side, even if the hassler is someone you know and love.

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#4

Don't stay quiet; being an ally doesn't just consist of respecting people's pronouns and their sexuality. Speak up against verbal or physical violence towards the LGBTQ+ community if you actually care. Even if it's not directed at you. Like how white people would stand up against racism for example. Or people who haven't been abused stand up against abuse. It's basic human empathy. If you were down in the dumps, you'd want someone to help you up. Don't sit back and stay neutral, and befriend bigots and the next day be nice to your gay friends. That's not how it works. You can't play both sides, and you can't sit on the sidelines.

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Istax
Community Member
2 years ago (edited)

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so... we're not allowed to befriend people who we disagree with? I'm gender-critical (means I don't believe in all this "transgender" stuff, the ideology that you can change your sex, etc.) and I have friends who are transgender and non-binary. we like to discuss identity politics, gender, all the controversy. and they're still my friends, just because we disagree doesn't mean we have to hate each other... you know it's ok to not be an extreme absolutist?! surrounding yourself with people that have exactly the same opinions as you is basically an echo chamber, it's healthy to receive constructive criticism and for your view to be challenged.

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#5

A grumpy perspective from an older gay guy. Those who prefer alternative pronouns are generally a little easier to identify as they don’t tend to conform with stereotypes, which is fine. “Gender bending” as it was referred to years ago, for better or worse. I get it - you don’t fit societal norms. So the proper thing to do is ask politely and respect their choice.

But for many, this new generation of asking about pronouns is a ludicrous irritant. The notion that there are 50+ genders out there is just beyond farce. Utter drivel. From a medical perspective, it can be downright irresponsible. I don’t care what you “wanna be”. But if you were born with ovaries or testicles, better damn well let me know ahead of a medical intervention, lest we accidentally cause harm. And as for your sexual preferences, totally your own business.

And straight colleagues who have to have their pronouns in an email signature drives me insane. It’s like people with different pronouns are suddenly in the vast majority. No… you have boobs or use a urinal. Sometimes even both. I’m gonna put my neck on the line and take a wild guess. 99/100 times, I’ll be on the money.

We are putting waaay too much emphasis upon this. It’s now creating a divide by categorising people like species. Best compliment for an LGBTQ+ person is not to give a damn, because it’s no more interesting than the colour of their eyes. Treat others as you wish to be treated and if you make an error, they’ll correct you, so just apologise and move on.

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Ozacoter
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is an over compensation jn my opinion. They mean well but they are becoming as dogmatic and categorical as the conservatives. Before we had box A and box B and you could not leave them. We started getting rid of the boxes but suddenly it went backwards. Now there are more boxes than A and B but we are back in the old stereotypes of what a man and a woman are. Its very sad.

Ozacoter
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have been misgendered all my life because I am not stereotypically feminine. And you know what I learned? That it did not matter (unless people made it to be rude and sexist) because it does not matter if i am a man or a woman, I am myself. So while I am a woman i do not mind if people make a mistake and say "he" because of sexism. Same with homophobia. Many people tought that I must be lesbian. I never corrected them because i see nothing wrong with being lesbian, even tought I am not (probably bi but thats a dofferent conversation). Sexist people in the past really needed to know if i was a woman bevause they needed to know how to treat men (since they treat women differently). Nowadays supposedly liberal people do the same and need to know your pronouns so they know how tobtreat you. To what stereotype force you.

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K- THULU
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Got rid of that down vote for you, you don't deserve to be criticized for stating your view.....

I don't like avocado
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No idea why pronouns p**s people off. There's nonbinary people who will misgendered otherwise. And even then why does it matter? It doesn't. It's just an email and let the person know you're a man or woman. "The notion that there are 50+ genders out there is just beyond farce. Utter drivel. " I highly disagree. It's extremely difficult for a cisgender individual to understand gender dysphoria. The way people experience gender is different, even for you. You may be the same gender as your sex but regardless of that you're a man in a whole other way than say a man who walks through life with a different attitude. And I'm not exactly sure what your stance is on the transgender community, but I'm assuming it's neutral. "Treat others as you wish to be treated and if you make an error, they’ll correct you, so just apologise and move on." Both of your statements contradict each other in big way. So I really can't tell.

I don't like avocado
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But I will say this, older or not, the only reason you can even express your sexuality so openly is because of a black transgender woman who lead the stonewall riots. So it's repulsive to see transphobic gay people, especially when gay individuals themselves have gone through the prejudice they're putting transgender people through. That includes those 50+ genders as well. You won't ever be able to fully understand, and I think it's important for you to acknowledge that and not judge people whom experience life so drastically different to you.

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Phoebe Stein
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dude, you are getting too worked up about this. They are just pronouns, chill.

Istax
Community Member
2 years ago

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I couldn't agree more! the people saying "oh I identify as a genderfae non-binary pansexual xenogender demigirl with xe/zirs/vis neopronouns" stuff is utterly pathetic, blatantly made-up and downright stupid. there are transsexuals - people who feel immense discomfort with their body and feel the urge to look like the opposite sex; it's a mental disorder, and most transsexuals understand they'll never be real women (or men, but it's mostly women) and accept that, they just prefer to look like a woman, even though their chromosomes say otherwise. there are two sexes: male and female. gender is a myth - there is no magical mental complex that determines whether you're a girl or a boy or "other". battle me in the comments if you will.

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#6

Don't speak over the voices of queer people and tell us what is or isn't valid, and make sure you listen to us on what we want, not just what you think we want. Also, you're an ally, not an actual member of the community, so you can attend pride events and protests, but just remember that it isn't for you.

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Nicole
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree with listening and accepting what you need. I'm confused by then stating that pride parades are not for us as well? Seems conflicting to your opening statement. I may be misunderstanding this?

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#7

as a family with homosexual males and females, bisexuals and transgender, this question makes no sense. here's an approach 'Hello'. now if you're talking about approaching to discuss our ask questions about their sexuality, just ask. if they don't want to answer, they won't.

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#8

be friendly, dont question who they are, be open to talk abt their life style, dont introducee us as your "queer friend", and just be kind :)

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#9

Inform yourself on different sexualities/pronouns/flags read news about things that are happening, and don’t be weird about somebody in the LGBTQIAA+ community. Ex. “Wait you’re pan? I totally support and love that!! But, um can you not change in the girls locker rooms - it’s weird.”

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#10

If someone trusts you and comes out to you, especially if you are a parent and that person is your kid, never say “Well it might be a phase” or s**t related to that. It makes the relationship between you and them awkward, they won’t trust you anymore. NEVER pass it off as a phase or way of getting attention, unless they come out as dream-gender or something. Also never pressure someone to come out to others if you know their sexuality or gender identity.

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Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I know I made this post a while ago I just wanted to clarify I meant dream-gender as in the dream Stan stuff.

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#11

Always ask for gender and name and stuff like that. And if you don't know, use They/Them. And if you don't understand their sexuality or gender/pronouns, just ask!

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TKA
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hi my name is T. I am a female. I was born with a vagina. I am married to my husband who was born with and still has a penis. ?? I really hope this comment is talking about in the dating world because I’m not going to give out all that info if I was asked my name and I would never ask that much info when meeting someone new. I don’t see what the big deal is unless you are trying to get attention. I’m different too. I don’t make everyone acknowledge it and make it part of who I am. “Oh hey, there is T, that socially awkward introvert that likes to stay home all time” I’m just me. I don’t need to bring attention to myself.

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#12

Learn to recognize who's really part of the community and who isn't. You'll have pedos trying to get in on it, super straights, terfs, predators, ect. Then there's people who don't use real neopronouns and make up something absolutely ridiculous and pretend as if it's perfectly reasonable. I'm not talking about xe/xem or anything else like that. I'm talking about daddy/daddyself. Tiddy/tiddyself, frog/frogself, deku/dekuself. The list goes on. And they even expect children to use those pronouns too. Those people are looking for attention, or want to be included in a community they're not part of because they need to feel like they're oppressed, we've all met those kinds of people. Similar to people who make up bs about transitioning to a new race. They're also looking for attention, and are only harming the community. Don't support the wrong people, and don't confuse those people for real members of the LGBTQIA+. This may seem harsh, but it needs to be said.

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#13

Just be a good friend, don't ask for a gbf as that's gross. Maybe ask for pronouns if you are unsure but make sure to be respectful most of all.

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#14

Don’t assume pronouns. Use they/them until you know how to address them. Don’t expect us to worship you for doing the bare minimum, advocate for our rights.

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#15

I think one of the biggest things is first impressions when trying to figure out if someone is supportive. Try wearing a pronoun pin, a pride pin, a rainbow backpack, ect.

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