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Shame can be both productive and toxic, there’s no doubt about it. It may make us lift our rears and get things done, and sometimes we all need that extra push of “I am gonna show ‘em all.’’ But the truth is, people can get real nosy and may want to get into stuff that has little to do with their business.
So when Redditor u/Dodongicepick posed a question “What is a healthy behavior that people shame others for?” on r/AskReddit, it seems like it really hit a soft spot for many. People are now sharing all the eye-opening stuff that often becomes a target of undeserved criticism and it makes you wonder how on earth this has become the norm. Just let them live!
Below are the most interesting responses, so scroll through and be sure to share what you think of it in the comments section!
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#1
Spending time alone. Seriously, you think me spending a week talking to nobody is the issue? How about the fact that you can't spend 5 minutes alone in fear of accidentally reflecting upon yourself?
RELATED:
#2
Taking medication for depression. I have been in situations where I have sat and listened to people talking about how they would NEVER take medications. I have had depression since I was 8. 41 years of struggles and it is offensive and it hurts when people do that. F**k all of you for judging.
Lovin' Life 2 years ago (edited)
THIS!!!!! You wouldn't deprive one of their medications for diabetes or cancer, so why is it so talk down about taking mental illness medications. It an illness! Take care of yourself and forget about what others think. I wouldn't be here without my meds.
#3
Choosing not to have kids if you don't feel like you'd be a good/happy parent or be able to support them (emotionally, mentally, financially, socially).
Like I don't think I really want kids because I don't think it would be good for me/I wouldn't be super happy as a mom.
I'm on my way to full financial stability but I won't even consider it until I'm there. My mom keeps pushing me to have a kid even though I still drive an 08 piece of shit, rent, and have $60k student loans. Like, I'm not there, my kid is gonna have to go without like I did and I personally don't want to actively try to have a kid so they can go without.
If I did change my mind, I would want to make sure they had a really fulfilling life. My mom had me because she wanted a kid. She got knocked up by a dude that didn't want me so I grew up without a dad. She was a poor, alcoholic. I grew up shit and hated most of my childhood. I don't want to be selfish like her and inflict that on a kid "just because I wanted a kid".
Firstname Lastname 2 years ago
I un-upvoted this once, just so I could upvote it twice. Being able to acknowledge that you are not financially and emotionally willing to have a child is one of the smartest decisions you can make as an adult.
To find out more about why exactly some people tend to be more judgmental than others, we reached out to Dr. Lise Deguire, clinical psychologist and author of a multiple award-winning book “Flashback Girl: Lessons on Resilience From a Burn Survivor.”
“In my clinical experience, the people who are most judgmental towards others are secretly the most harshly judgmental towards themselves. Inside, these people are highly self-critical. It is no wonder, then, that they treat others the same way they treat themselves, critically and harshly. Frequently, when these people learn to be more loving and accepting towards themselves, they also become more tolerant and sympathetic towards others,” Dr. Lise explained.
#4
Doing things that are normally thought of as social activities by yourself. Like eating at a restaurant, or going to a concert, play, or movie.
Lovin' Life 2 years ago
I am happy to do any of these things alone. I enjoy the downtime. It gives me time to enjoy me!!!
#6
Being a fat person at the gym. They gotta start somewhere.
The clinical psychologist explained that people's judgment and criticism of us feels terrible, sometimes even devastating. “When this happens, the first thing to do is to notice your own pain and distress and to treat yourself kindly. It hurts, plain and simple. Having compassion for your pain will help you bear it.”
“Once you have recovered from the hurt of being judged, it is good to remember that anyone judging you that harshly is probably in a lot of pain themselves,” Lise said and added that awareness may help you to move beyond the hurt of the moment.
#7
Talking to yourself.
it's a good way to problem solve or even just vent about something.
#9
Estranging from toxic parents.
Firstname Lastname 2 years ago
Most people that I meet that finds out I don't talk to my toxic mother feels entitled to know how exactly she is toxic so that they can either a) be sympathetic and understanding or b) shame me for not wanting to squash it all down "because she gave birth to me." Be person A. Let's stop pretending that it's unhealthy to hate someone on the basis of blood relation.
#11
Not taking business calls after work hours, everyone should take Portugal’s example and pass some sort of law against it.
MyOpinionHasBeenServed 2 years ago
I don't pay attention to anything until I'm on the clock. Idc if I'm on my 15 unpaid break. Get back to me when I'm on the clock again. I had a supervisor try to berate me for shooing her away while I was on an unpaid and on a personal call. I wasn't having it.
#14
Not forcing your kids to hug others. My distant relatives can be so butt hurt when my kid doesn’t want to hug them, but I’m not going to force my kid to hug someone.
Lovin' Life 2 years ago
As the mother of an autistic child, I can relate to this one. I would rather them be butt hurt than for my child to have a total meltdown.
#15
Refusing unreasonable requests. Just saying "no" in general.
#16
Being single. I had this horrible experience where I wanted to be single for a bit and also just wasn't meeting anyone I was really interested in. I was perfectly fine with not having a boyfriend but my friends hounded me about it constantly. Always asking me why I was single, telling me I was too picky, would show up to hangouts with men and ask me why I didn't go for it. Me saying I was fine with being single was never a good enough answer. So I started to feel self-conscious about being single, felt like I was under a microscope so if I did meet someone I felt uncomfortable having my friends cheering me on. I was young so I didn't know how to handle it so I just kind of dealt with it but it sucked. Let your single friends be single unless they are asking for your help, advice, and opinions.
Red rockin lobster 2 years ago
In my experience, it is very good to be single in some period of life. I used that time to learn how to be alone, to learn about myself, concentrate on so many different things that were fulfilling and building me as the person I became today. I'm so greatful that I don't have to depend on anyone, I feel stable and my relationship of 8 years is much healthier, I think thanks to my "alone" period.
#17
Grieving. People tell you to get over it because they're uncomfortable.
#18
Choosing not to be religious at all, lacking the same religious intensity, or believing in a religion that the other person doesn't believe in.
MyOpinionHasBeenServed 2 years ago
I don't get why people care so much what other people's faiths are. It's nothing to everyone else.
#19
I got laughed at by my brother and his wife during Thanksgiving when I said I was starting to diet. Like, I get it. I'm a fat guy. Unfortunately, I can exercise, but that's only half the battle. It actually really hurt my motivation, ngl.
#20
Asking questions.
Katie Lutesinger 2 years ago
I always upvote people here when they ask a question. They're trying to become informed, and that's a good thing.
#21
Being wrong. It's healthy to express opinions and ideas. When we shame people for being wrong, we tend to stop new conversations from happening. In this way, we lose opportunities to understand where others are coming from and squander opportunities to change minds. Further, we push all the wrong-headed people into groups where they can go nuts following their wrongness to its logical conclusion. Just stop humiliating people for holding opinions and having bad ideas. And remember everybody does.
#23
Politely and respectfully expressing negativity. Bottling negative emotions just for the sake of “being positive” really eats you up over time.
#24
Being slow to respond. I would rather respond correctly than quickly. Same for confidence level. If I am unsure it means I want to double-check. It seems more irresponsible to speak off the cuff. But I think the reality is that the fast talkers are rewarded more, even if they are wrong.
Eirik Johnsbråten 2 years ago
I have stopped answering messages immediately out of principle. I don't want to live in a world where I have to be available at all times.
#25
Calling in for a mental health day. There’s no good option. You call out and make yourself look unreliable or you go to work unstable and make yourself look unstable.
Lovin' Life 2 years ago
Thank goodness I am fortunate enough to have mental health days that I can take when needed. Everyone could benefit from these days. Should be mandatory.
#26
Walking away from an argument or tense situation. There’s no way I can have a proper and productive discussion if I’m wound up! I’d rather take a quick walk or have time to myself before I tackle the issue. A clear head is more important than figuring out a conflict quickly.
#27
Human sexuality. All through high school my mom was all “stay away from boys! They only want one thing and they’ll say anything to get it! Don’t be one of those foolish girls who gets tricked and knocked up and has her life ruined!”
No parties. No dating. No makeup. I wasn’t even allowed to TALK about guys being cute without her side-eyeing me.
Then I go to college and halfway through freshman year she’s like “why don’t you have a bf? Get out there! Meet someone! Why aren’t you more social? And PUT SOME MAKEUP ON!”
She meant well but…it was very confusing.
To this day I’m shy around guys I like because of that woman.
Martha Meyer 2 years ago
Why can't you swim, after I refused to let you take swimming lessons for your entire childhood?!
#28
My family doesn't think I should cook or clean and that my wife should do it all as it was in their dysfunctional marriages.
Viviane 2 years ago
One of my colleagues immigrated from a place with rigid and traditional gender roles. She makes her kids (all boys) help around the house. It's partly out of principle, but it's also practical. She has a career and her sons will have an easier time meeting and retaining partners if they do their share.
#29
Wearing a mask.
Amanda Reicha 2 years ago
I just don't get that. Masks don't steal freedom. Other cultures from different areas of the world have been wearing masks for health reasons long before this.
#31
Getting up from your desk for 5min and taking a breather, only acceptable if you smoke it seems, not actually for just getting fresh air. I get why so many people smoke cigarettes.
#32
Breastfeeding a baby in public
Donkey boi 2 years ago (edited)
I think that anyone complaining about breastfeeding, in ANY environment, should be charged with child abuse as they are technically trying to deprive an infant from feeding.
#33
Taking a healthy amount of time to take care of yourself, rest, or recoup.
Otter 2 years ago
Some people just can't afford to take that healthy amount of time to care for themselves, because they need to work 2-3 jobs if they want to live indoors, and other people deliberately put themselves into positions where they can't do so - because they want the rewards that come from a high-paying job. I'm very sympathetic to the former.
#34
As a man, using sunblock. I can't even tell you how many times I've been heckled on the golf course for putting sunblock on my face before being out in the sun for the next 4-5 hours.
Katie Lutesinger 2 years ago
Next time that happens, tell them you hope they enjoy having their noses amputated in a few years.
#35
Talking to a therapist regularly. It’s a purchase of time to help work through complex emotional issues in order to have more bandwidth in other areas. Good for all regardless of mental state.
ShriSha Kamboj 2 years ago
therapy is NOT about someone being MAD......it's to help u be good from basically anything
#36
Not getting into fights with your significant other.
Had a friend that tried to convince me that it was unhealthy for my wife and I not to get into fights. I tried to explain that when we disagreed with each other about something we talked it through and trusted each other enough to listen and be receptive to the other person. She just rolled her eyes and said that it would happen eventually because to her what we were doing was just bottling things up. I couldn't convince her that the reason she got into fights was that she and her husband bottled things up until they exploded and that's why she got into fights.
Donkey boi 2 years ago
I argue with my wife all the time. She has social anxiety so won't argue with people. So, after a stressful day, I'll roleplay as a colleague so she can can have and argument and vent a little. We never actually argue about anything in our lives because we understand each other.
#37
Being polite and non-confrontation. There are people who see this as a sign of weakness and will take advantage/abuse those who aren't assholes.
WilvanderHeijden 2 years ago
You can be polite and non-confrontational and still keep the assholes under control. Just because you refuse to fight the pig, doesn't mean that the pig won.
#38
Minding your business. Some perceive it as you not liking them.
kristina law 2 years ago
Keeping to myself and out of other peoples' drama/ business has been one of the healthiest changes I have done for myself in recent years.
#40
Not shaving pubic hair. What most people don’t know is that pubic hair can protect you by keeping harmful bacteria out of ya genitalia.
What do you think ?
Liz 2 years ago (edited)
Wanting a normal life when you're chronically ill or disabled. You wouldn't believe how much you're constantly being shamed for just wanting to do normal stuff that everyone around you is doing.
Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
And how much shame you get for not being able to do it! .... Ten years past a spinal-pelvic injury, I still can't be "normal" or out of pain every day. I just want to .... Then I'm shamed when I say, "I can't, that's beyond my body's capacity". Ugh! Hugs to you, @Liz.
Load More Replies...
Stephanie Keith 2 years ago
The older I get the more I see, you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. People have forgotten how to play in the sand box with others. It's extremely heartbreaking how our own kind tear each other apart and never once stop to think about how their words and behavior will affect others. I know there are still people who know how to treat others with decency. Unfortunately, the majority overpowers any good going on. Constantly fighting for better seems futile at this point. There's just not enough wisdom, compassionate, understanding, and kindness in enough humans. It's only getting worse and I truly feel scared about what's to come.
Nikki Sevven 2 years ago
I agree with you, Stephanie. For those of us with empathy, it's heartbreaking seeing what's going on around the world. The lack of humanity is frightening.
Load More Replies... Liz 2 years ago
Choosing to not express my opinion on stuff I know nothing about. You get accused of being weak or scared when you do this. I'd rather just listen to someone who does know about the subject or do some research first.
ZAPanda 2 years ago
That is really an amazing humility, most people suffer from massive dunning-kruger. It's embarrassing to listen to some garbage people spout. "Just try these essential oils for your covid"...
Load More Replies... Liz 2 years ago (edited)
Wanting a normal life when you're chronically ill or disabled. You wouldn't believe how much you're constantly being shamed for just wanting to do normal stuff that everyone around you is doing.
Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
And how much shame you get for not being able to do it! .... Ten years past a spinal-pelvic injury, I still can't be "normal" or out of pain every day. I just want to .... Then I'm shamed when I say, "I can't, that's beyond my body's capacity". Ugh! Hugs to you, @Liz.
Load More Replies... Stephanie Keith 2 years ago
The older I get the more I see, you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. People have forgotten how to play in the sand box with others. It's extremely heartbreaking how our own kind tear each other apart and never once stop to think about how their words and behavior will affect others. I know there are still people who know how to treat others with decency. Unfortunately, the majority overpowers any good going on. Constantly fighting for better seems futile at this point. There's just not enough wisdom, compassionate, understanding, and kindness in enough humans. It's only getting worse and I truly feel scared about what's to come.
Nikki Sevven 2 years ago
I agree with you, Stephanie. For those of us with empathy, it's heartbreaking seeing what's going on around the world. The lack of humanity is frightening.
Load More Replies... Liz 2 years ago
Choosing to not express my opinion on stuff I know nothing about. You get accused of being weak or scared when you do this. I'd rather just listen to someone who does know about the subject or do some research first.
ZAPanda 2 years ago
That is really an amazing humility, most people suffer from massive dunning-kruger. It's embarrassing to listen to some garbage people spout. "Just try these essential oils for your covid"...
Load More Replies...
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