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Being a parent is one of the most ridiculously challenging things there is in our existence, and although it is a personal choice, if committed to, it can lead to both physical and mental exhaustion.
Needless to say, every parent wishes only the best for their offspring – however, the little ones enter this world without a manual, meaning that you're just going to have to wing it.
It so happens that most folks, whether they're still expecting or have already welcomed their precious babies, often put an immense amount of pressure on themselves. It's understandable that we all want to do things right, yet sometimes, a simple piece of advice can change your entire perception of parenthood.
“What is the single hardest lesson for a parent to learn about raising kids?” – this online user turned to one of Reddit’s communities dedicated to asking women questions, hoping to find out what hard lessons parents learn when raising children. The post has managed to receive nearly 2K upvotes and 536 worth of comments discussing the difficulties of parenthood.
More info: Reddit
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#1
You have to parent the kid you have, not the one you want.
RELATED:
#2
Picking your battles. Does it really matter if your kid wears mismatched socks? Is it really a big deal if they wear a princess dress to go grocery shopping? Those are minor things that absolutely do not make a difference in the long run. Let it go and life is easier for you both.
BadCat 2 years ago
Often when parents have issues of such minor things it's really about their insecurities of what society thinks. My mom would tell me I looked homeless wearing 2 different pairs of socks and made this huge reaction about it. As if anyone would have noticed under long pants and runners.
#3
Your kid isn’t giving you a hard time. THEY are having a hard time.
stone_fox_in_mud added:
Absolutely. And so much so for any child with a disability.
[deleted] added:
I wish more people would understand this, when their children are having a tantrum. So maby people write it off as bad behaviour. Where in reality it is your child having an overwhelming amount of emotions and feelings and no clue as to how to deal with them.
A parent would do their child's emotional development a huge favour by trying to understand this.
The book "The Science of Parenting" explains this from a neurological and attachment psychological point of view - with many great sources.
Jax 2 years ago
We foster 6 kids, 3 of whom are toddlers. When the littlest was just over 2, we had had a long day running errands and it was quickly approaching nap time. He was fussy and cranky and completely inconsolable. He was 2, tired, hangry, and didn't have the words that adults do to explain how he was feeling. Several times we passed an older lady with her 2 daughters and 3 grandkids. Finally it got to be too much so I just sat down on the floor and held him while I rocked and rubbed his back. The older lady was going past the end of the aisle on her scooter and stopped and backed up just to tell me that I was doing a great job. She said it was refreshing to see a young mom not screaming at, ignoring, punishing or threatening punishment, or even trying to bribe the child ito behaving well when a tiny one was melting down. It's sad that this was something that even needed to be said. As adults we need to take a step back and realize that our children are all pieces of our collective future...
#4
If you still have baggage or trauma that’s not dealt with, you and your kids will suffer for it.
#5
You’re there to guide, not control. Even when they are doing it wrong.
Trisha Howson 2 years ago
Yep let them learn that how they know how to do things growing up you don't let them learn you do it for them. They are gonna grow up not knowing what to do
#6
That they are individuals and deserve respect. Also, you have to earn their respect. It shouldn’t be freely given just because you gave birth to them or provide them with basic necessities like housing, clothing, or food.
Danniee Gyrl 2 years ago
THIS!!!! I really dislike hearing a parent HOLD THAT CR@P over their child (clothing, feeding, shelter etc) it is really a disgusting thing. As a PARENT, this is what you are supposed to do!! -- It is really sad that our (US) Gov't has to MAKE some parents go to Parenting Classes or tell them kids can not live in filth. Or that they have to feed AND bath them.
#7
They are not you - now say it again 10 times. They may or may not like the things you do or did at their age. No amount of yelling, begging, forcing, or conjoling will make them just like you. They absolutely will not have the same life experience and they have a completely different perspective than you. Even if they're your "mini me" they are absolutely their own person. You can even go as far to say that if they're truly a carbon copy of either parent, you've probably done something wrong as a parent.
#8
Don't punish them for having feelings and then expecting them to manage those feelings *perfectly* when you can't even curb your anger disappointment at your kid having a hard time. Sorry they can't get their tantrum together in 5 seconds. Maybe figure out why they are emotional and help them fix it.
#9
You are not their friend (you are their parent), you will mess up but love and kisses are very important at every age
Danniee Gyrl 2 years ago (edited)
I informed my son, we are not friends...yet we can be friendly with one another. He is now almost 22, and we ARE friends now. I have done my parenting of him (still being a parent but not that 0-18 parent) He is AWESOME
#11
That you aren't raising kids. They are already are kids. You are raising adults, hopefully competent adults. Competent adults who know how to be an adult.
Jax 2 years ago
We try to tell our kiddos to be better tomorrow than they are today. Not just with behavior and attitude, but with everything...just be a better human. There will always be mistakes, and arguments, we as the adult, need to be sure to handle those things well so our children will learn how to handle them well.
#12
Every single thing you do teaches them something. Signed, my kid’s first word was ‘s**t’
Danniee Gyrl 2 years ago
My kid first word was "Sh*t" as well (at 1 yo). We were in the grocery store. It was a busy time as well...😆😁
#13
Parents need to do their part when their child is struggling in school. We can only do so much in 8 hours. If parents want results faster then they need to commit.
#14
That the best thing to do is to prepare the child for the path and not the path for the child.
Arlo (they/he) 2 years ago (edited)
This is actually very smart why does it have no comments (edit: now it has comments, just not when I posted :D)
#15
Kids tell lies. They do. It’s part of their emotional and intellectual development. Don’t make it a big deal. Respond appropriately to the untruthful ness. Discuss it. Don’t take it personally.
#16
Hardest pill for me to swallow so far is that they are going to grow up. My kids are 8 and 12 now and I am already SO sad about them growing up and moving out etc. I do focus on the time we've got now, but when those thoughts pop into my head I get SUPER sad. We haven't reached the teen years yet though so check back in the next few years.
WORST part of parenting: figuring out what the f**k to make for dinner EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I hate it so much. But if I don't feed them, they'll die, so that's lame.
#17
Teach them independence. Let them fall and scrap their knees. Let them fail. You are preparing for the real world. There will be mean people so you need to know that it’s important to be confident.
#18
My mom said, “That they are not a miniature version of yourself. As individuals they will need to do some things their own way, even if it’s not YOUR way.”
My mom has always allowed my siblings and myself to be authentically ourselves. She’s amazing.
#19
Kids are tiny humans. It's easy to slip into seeing them as little machines into which you're supposed to input life lessons and get out good behavior. But even as kids, they are whole humans--they have bad days where they're grumpy and will be short with you, and there are foods they will never like no matter how many times you put it on their plate, and they'll pick the sports or hobbies they're into regardless of what you were into. If they're having a bad day, don't explain to them why they shouldn't be having a bad day; don't invalidate how they feel about things; treat them with the kindness and understanding and encouragement you give to your friends. I'm not saying "be your kid's best friend"--you need to be their parent and help them build the life skills and emotional intelligence necessary for a happy life, but do it in a way that treats them like the whole, individual humans they are.
Alana Voeks 2 years ago (edited)
Remember, they're closer to animalhood than you are. They do things to get the best results. Would you start screaming at your puppy for peeing in the house if they aren't fully potty trained? No, you show them where they wet, tell them.no, and put them in time out. Same with kids. Kids need to understand that actions have consequences, and sometimes what feels good in the now can be very detrimental in the later.
#20
At some point, around age 12 or 13, it will seem like they genuinely hate you and they will be incredibly unpleasant to deal with. It passes, but it is rough when you are in the middle of it. You have to weather it with patience and grace (and consequences when warranted) because it is only a stage.
BadCat 2 years ago
Parents make it so much more difficult than it has to be. You're teen isn't going to be going to interviews at conservative, professional companies so let them dye their hair, cut how they want, dress how they want. Let them express themselves, figure out who they and who they want to be. It's all part of the growing up process.
#21
You’re gonna feel like you’re failing constantly...you’re not, not in the slightest, but you’ll feel like it
cadena kuhn 2 years ago
For yrs my family had me convinced I was a bad mother. Then a few months ago my niece told me that all the cousins were jealous of my daughter as she was the only one who's parents truly loved and respected her and always put her 1st. That was the 1st time I truly thought I might b doing this right
#22
I am not less of a mother on bad days.
Alana Voeks 2 years ago
Toxic positivity is everywhere. You DO NOT need to love your child at first sight. You DO NOT need to feel happy about cleaning up any sort of mess they make. And you ARE NOT a bad mom for having bad days. Just, for the love of christ, remember to apologize.
#23
The world is dangerous and unfortunately we cannot follow their every step. They grow up, they leave the house and bad things do happen
Veronica Richard 2 years ago
I would add "we shouldn't follow every step". They need to learn resilience, and solving all their problems is not the way they learn it.
#24
Consistency
#25
More than the single hardest lesson, but these are the top for me:
* You're going to constantly second guess decisions, and feel guilty for things on a regular basis.
* Support, encouragement and trust are as important as love
* Letting them fail is epically hard; showing them how to come back from failure is vital
* If you split with your partner, remember that your kid(s) still need and want them in their life (barring abuse, etc.)
* You're raising them to be adults- teach them how to manage their own lives, and don't try to live their life for them
* When you like them the least is when they need love the most
* Communicate with them the way you want to be communicated with- kids are people, and they model your behaviors
Mary E Perry 2 years ago
Separate out inherent personhood from their specific behaviors. I think it's a good idea when your objecting to what they are doing to say, I love you but I don't love this behavior. This is what I expect differently.
#26
You get to choose how to love your kids, how to teach your kids, and how you’re going to f**k up with your kids.
Choose wisely as all are inevitable.
Danniee Gyrl 2 years ago
Each step of parenting/loving/teaching my kid, I KNOW that I made mistakes. I did apologize to him for things I said or did. After I disciplined him, I ALWAYS told him I LOVE YOU. I made sure his mental/emotional state of self was good by asking him direct questions. I spent time with him. I am honest with him on every level. I am not perfect yet I made sure not to f*ck his life up ...😅
#27
They will have a difference of opinion, and disagree with you.
#28
Their kids might not have anything in common with them or turn out differently than expected. I see a lot of parents who are surprised when they struggle to connect with their child or something hard pops up. So many small things can be huge stressors to kids and become gigantic, time consuming concerns for parents.
the awesome Piplup 2 years ago (edited)
That is my dream room! My fave animal is the Platypus! And that is in this room
#29
Even your best, most thoughtful intentions can go wrong.
Ambry Petersen 2 years ago
That's part of mortality, just about everything you do has the power to go wrong. Try to learn from mistakes as you go.
#30
Your purpose is not to pass down your own rules about life, but to put life itself in context for them.
(I'm not a parent tho, but I was surprised when someone said that that's how they parent their child and I thought it made sense)
What do you think ?
Pizzagirl 91 2 years ago
Participation trophies have their use, though. My niece (9) had a school sports day, and only one girl and one boy of all the children participating could get a prize - all the hundreds of children who didn't win didn't get anything for their efforts. My niece didn't even want to take part, since she knew there were girls who were better than her, why should she even try? (she doesn't usually give up easily, but she is a realist!) I agree that people get praise to easily nowadays, but we should take care that it doesn't go into the other extreme, either. Children need encouragement.
Load More Replies...
Celia McReynolds Tinsley 2 years ago
There were two rules I never backed down on when my boys were growing up. First, never force your kids to eat or even try food if they don't want to. I always put it on their plate, told them what it was when asked, and left it at that. They are both willing to try absolutely anything once. I was forced to try new foods and forced to eat food that mom knew I hated; now I am an extremely picky eater and almost always refuse to taste anything new. Second, I shared my beliefs and feelings with my boys and answered any questions they had but i never forced anything on them by demanding they believe just like me or they will be punished. I encouraged them to search for what felt real to them let them know even if we were on opposite ends of something I would always respect their beliefs and feelings. I don't understand parents who cram their beliefs down their children's throats and make the children feel like they aren't allowed to have their own thoughts on anything.
Felix Graham 2 years ago (edited)
I often think people don't understand the privilege inherent in that position. I grew up in abject poverty. If we didn't grow it, we didn't eat it. There was no option but what was in front of us. We could eat or we could be hungry. My mom did force some things that just made my stomach upset, but I wasn't eating it because I disliked it, I was refusing to eat it because it made me ill. In retrospect, I also know my mom had a lot of poverty and food trauma in her own life, which explained many of her decisions. But nevertheless, the privilege of being picky is just that for many kids - a privilege.
Load More Replies...
oddly_informed_raven 2 years ago
sometimes, your kid will be neurodivergent. don't make fun of them for their safe food, or only having online friends, or stimming, or thinking about things in a way you don't understand. speaking as the ND child
Arlo (they/he) 2 years ago
And also don’t tell them that they’re stubborn and fatalistic and too resistant to change when t h e y ‘ r e j u s t s a y i n g t h a t t h e t c a n ‘ t c o n t r o l w h e n t h e y f i d g e t. And don’t be rude about their rituals/things they do. The order I do the dishes in does not hurt you. But my brain feels like my feelings are tearing themselves apart when you make me go out of my way to do it differently. Speaking as a probably ND child
Load More Replies...
Pterodactyl in Disguise 2 years ago
I saw a lot of don’t try to be there best friend, be a parent first, but it is important to work on a good relationship, so as they get older you can laugh and act like bffs together
BadCat 2 years ago
When they're older and you develop that really close bond with your kids, as long as it's healthy, you can really have a great relationship with them, have long chats, play games, hang out. But essentially you're still a parent first.
Load More Replies...
BatPhace 2 years ago
How about, every kid is different. You cannot necessarily parent your oldest (super introverted, right brain dominant, self occupying and chill) like your youngest (super extroverted, analytical, athletic, needed entertaining) because they're COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE. Figuring out what works for each kid and you helps
Selma Ferris 2 years ago
So true . . . no two children are the same. A parent does a disservice to their offspring when they have such expectations. Placing labels on a child due to a trait they possess or a perceived personality flaw (i.e. smart, shy, a clown) will cause issues. Using the same technique to motivate, reward, or "hold to consequence" on different children is a dysfunctional way to raise an adult-in-training.
Load More Replies...
DrLivingstonipresume 2 years ago
Your child is not your confidant. They are not there to let you vent, to listen when you have a bad day, month, year, life etc. And if you are a single mother, a father is NOT a "bonus." Also, if you are a single mother of a son, that son is in NO WAY a replacement for the husband, spouse, or partner you do not have. Let them date and get married and have a life entirely separate from you. Hear this: your daughter-in-law/ son-in-law is not your competition!! If you disagree, be prepared for a sad lonely life.
MimSorensson 1 year ago
I am once again reminded of how bizarrely lucky I am when it comes to parents. I always know it at the back of my head, but when reading things like this it comes to the front. Thank you again, mom and dad.
Colin Russell-Conway 2 years ago
Parenting is a journey too. You're on your own one of self discovery and kids find a way of bringing things to light you never though of. Give yourself time to process this and find time to be yourself, not a mother or a father but your own independent self.
Shawn Laframboise 2 years ago
If it's not life threatening or morally threatening let them do it.
Pizzagirl 91 2 years ago
Participation trophies have their use, though. My niece (9) had a school sports day, and only one girl and one boy of all the children participating could get a prize - all the hundreds of children who didn't win didn't get anything for their efforts. My niece didn't even want to take part, since she knew there were girls who were better than her, why should she even try? (she doesn't usually give up easily, but she is a realist!) I agree that people get praise to easily nowadays, but we should take care that it doesn't go into the other extreme, either. Children need encouragement.
Load More Replies... Celia McReynolds Tinsley 2 years ago
There were two rules I never backed down on when my boys were growing up. First, never force your kids to eat or even try food if they don't want to. I always put it on their plate, told them what it was when asked, and left it at that. They are both willing to try absolutely anything once. I was forced to try new foods and forced to eat food that mom knew I hated; now I am an extremely picky eater and almost always refuse to taste anything new. Second, I shared my beliefs and feelings with my boys and answered any questions they had but i never forced anything on them by demanding they believe just like me or they will be punished. I encouraged them to search for what felt real to them let them know even if we were on opposite ends of something I would always respect their beliefs and feelings. I don't understand parents who cram their beliefs down their children's throats and make the children feel like they aren't allowed to have their own thoughts on anything.
Felix Graham 2 years ago (edited)
I often think people don't understand the privilege inherent in that position. I grew up in abject poverty. If we didn't grow it, we didn't eat it. There was no option but what was in front of us. We could eat or we could be hungry. My mom did force some things that just made my stomach upset, but I wasn't eating it because I disliked it, I was refusing to eat it because it made me ill. In retrospect, I also know my mom had a lot of poverty and food trauma in her own life, which explained many of her decisions. But nevertheless, the privilege of being picky is just that for many kids - a privilege.
Load More Replies... oddly_informed_raven 2 years ago
sometimes, your kid will be neurodivergent. don't make fun of them for their safe food, or only having online friends, or stimming, or thinking about things in a way you don't understand. speaking as the ND child
Arlo (they/he) 2 years ago
And also don’t tell them that they’re stubborn and fatalistic and too resistant to change when t h e y ‘ r e j u s t s a y i n g t h a t t h e t c a n ‘ t c o n t r o l w h e n t h e y f i d g e t. And don’t be rude about their rituals/things they do. The order I do the dishes in does not hurt you. But my brain feels like my feelings are tearing themselves apart when you make me go out of my way to do it differently. Speaking as a probably ND child
Load More Replies... Pterodactyl in Disguise 2 years ago
I saw a lot of don’t try to be there best friend, be a parent first, but it is important to work on a good relationship, so as they get older you can laugh and act like bffs together
BadCat 2 years ago
When they're older and you develop that really close bond with your kids, as long as it's healthy, you can really have a great relationship with them, have long chats, play games, hang out. But essentially you're still a parent first.
Load More Replies... BatPhace 2 years ago
How about, every kid is different. You cannot necessarily parent your oldest (super introverted, right brain dominant, self occupying and chill) like your youngest (super extroverted, analytical, athletic, needed entertaining) because they're COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE. Figuring out what works for each kid and you helps
Selma Ferris 2 years ago
So true . . . no two children are the same. A parent does a disservice to their offspring when they have such expectations. Placing labels on a child due to a trait they possess or a perceived personality flaw (i.e. smart, shy, a clown) will cause issues. Using the same technique to motivate, reward, or "hold to consequence" on different children is a dysfunctional way to raise an adult-in-training.
Load More Replies... DrLivingstonipresume 2 years ago
Your child is not your confidant. They are not there to let you vent, to listen when you have a bad day, month, year, life etc. And if you are a single mother, a father is NOT a "bonus." Also, if you are a single mother of a son, that son is in NO WAY a replacement for the husband, spouse, or partner you do not have. Let them date and get married and have a life entirely separate from you. Hear this: your daughter-in-law/ son-in-law is not your competition!! If you disagree, be prepared for a sad lonely life.
MimSorensson 1 year ago
I am once again reminded of how bizarrely lucky I am when it comes to parents. I always know it at the back of my head, but when reading things like this it comes to the front. Thank you again, mom and dad.
Colin Russell-Conway 2 years ago
Parenting is a journey too. You're on your own one of self discovery and kids find a way of bringing things to light you never though of. Give yourself time to process this and find time to be yourself, not a mother or a father but your own independent self.
Shawn Laframboise 2 years ago
If it's not life threatening or morally threatening let them do it.
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