30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online

Being a parent is one of the most ridiculously challenging things there is in our existence, and although it is a personal choice, if committed to, it can lead to both physical and mental exhaustion.

Needless to say, every parent wishes only the best for their offspring – however, the little ones enter this world without a manual, meaning that you're just going to have to wing it.

It so happens that most folks, whether they're still expecting or have already welcomed their precious babies, often put an immense amount of pressure on themselves. It's understandable that we all want to do things right, yet sometimes, a simple piece of advice can change your entire perception of parenthood.

“What is the single hardest lesson for a parent to learn about raising kids?” – this online user turned to one of Reddit’s communities dedicated to asking women questions, hoping to find out what hard lessons parents learn when raising children. The post has managed to receive nearly 2K upvotes and 536 worth of comments discussing the difficulties of parenthood.

More info: Reddit

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30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online You have to parent the kid you have, not the one you want.

troismanzanas , joey zanotti Report

Final score:

257points

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BusyLizzy 2 years ago

This, a million times over.

69points

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30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Picking your battles. Does it really matter if your kid wears mismatched socks? Is it really a big deal if they wear a princess dress to go grocery shopping? Those are minor things that absolutely do not make a difference in the long run. Let it go and life is easier for you both.

WasabiChickpea , Olga/ Олька Report

Final score:

221points

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BadCat 2 years ago

Often when parents have issues of such minor things it's really about their insecurities of what society thinks. My mom would tell me I looked homeless wearing 2 different pairs of socks and made this huge reaction about it. As if anyone would have noticed under long pants and runners.

104points

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30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Your kid isn’t giving you a hard time. THEY are having a hard time.

stone_fox_in_mud added:

Absolutely. And so much so for any child with a disability.

[deleted] added:

I wish more people would understand this, when their children are having a tantrum. So maby people write it off as bad behaviour. Where in reality it is your child having an overwhelming amount of emotions and feelings and no clue as to how to deal with them.

A parent would do their child's emotional development a huge favour by trying to understand this.

The book "The Science of Parenting" explains this from a neurological and attachment psychological point of view - with many great sources.

bebegun54321 , Virginia State Parks Report

Final score:

190points

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Jax 2 years ago

We foster 6 kids, 3 of whom are toddlers. When the littlest was just over 2, we had had a long day running errands and it was quickly approaching nap time. He was fussy and cranky and completely inconsolable. He was 2, tired, hangry, and didn't have the words that adults do to explain how he was feeling. Several times we passed an older lady with her 2 daughters and 3 grandkids. Finally it got to be too much so I just sat down on the floor and held him while I rocked and rubbed his back. The older lady was going past the end of the aisle on her scooter and stopped and backed up just to tell me that I was doing a great job. She said it was refreshing to see a young mom not screaming at, ignoring, punishing or threatening punishment, or even trying to bribe the child ito behaving well when a tiny one was melting down. It's sad that this was something that even needed to be said. As adults we need to take a step back and realize that our children are all pieces of our collective future...

162points

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30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online If you still have baggage or trauma that’s not dealt with, you and your kids will suffer for it.

stone_fox_in_mud , David Woo Report

Final score:

179points

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BadCat 2 years ago

Everyone is going through something. Before you react to kids, stop, take a step back and think about where your reaction is coming from.

60points

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30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online You’re there to guide, not control. Even when they are doing it wrong.

queenoreo , Diderot's toe Report

Final score:

176points

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Trisha Howson 2 years ago

Yep let them learn that how they know how to do things growing up you don't let them learn you do it for them. They are gonna grow up not knowing what to do

44points

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That they are individuals and deserve respect. Also, you have to earn their respect. It shouldn’t be freely given just because you gave birth to them or provide them with basic necessities like housing, clothing, or food.

downbutmaybeup31 Report

Final score:

163points

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Danniee Gyrl 2 years ago

THIS!!!! I really dislike hearing a parent HOLD THAT CR@P over their child (clothing, feeding, shelter etc) it is really a disgusting thing. As a PARENT, this is what you are supposed to do!! -- It is really sad that our (US) Gov't has to MAKE some parents go to Parenting Classes or tell them kids can not live in filth. Or that they have to feed AND bath them.

83points

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30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online They are not you - now say it again 10 times. They may or may not like the things you do or did at their age. No amount of yelling, begging, forcing, or conjoling will make them just like you. They absolutely will not have the same life experience and they have a completely different perspective than you. Even if they're your "mini me" they are absolutely their own person. You can even go as far to say that if they're truly a carbon copy of either parent, you've probably done something wrong as a parent.

FlourFlavored , Franklin Park Library Report

Final score:

148points

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BadCat 2 years ago

It's taken my mom decades to figure out that I'm not her shadow puppet.

53points

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30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Don't punish them for having feelings and then expecting them to manage those feelings *perfectly* when you can't even curb your anger disappointment at your kid having a hard time. Sorry they can't get their tantrum together in 5 seconds. Maybe figure out why they are emotional and help them fix it.

TenaciousToffee , Rishabh Mathur Report

Final score:

141points

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BadCat 2 years ago

This is my mom to a T.

38points

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30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online You are not their friend (you are their parent), you will mess up but love and kisses are very important at every age

No-Seaworthiness4874 , HS You Report

Final score:

126points

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Danniee Gyrl 2 years ago (edited)

I informed my son, we are not friends...yet we can be friendly with one another. He is now almost 22, and we ARE friends now. I have done my parenting of him (still being a parent but not that 0-18 parent) He is AWESOME

57points

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#10

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online They (the kids) need to make mistakes.

Treatie915 , Mario A. P. Report

Final score:

123points

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BadCat 2 years ago

Take chances. Get messy. Make mistakes.

50points

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#11

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online That you aren't raising kids. They are already are kids. You are raising adults, hopefully competent adults. Competent adults who know how to be an adult.

rosemarysage , Karen Clarke Ng Report

Final score:

121points

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Jax 2 years ago

We try to tell our kiddos to be better tomorrow than they are today. Not just with behavior and attitude, but with everything...just be a better human. There will always be mistakes, and arguments, we as the adult, need to be sure to handle those things well so our children will learn how to handle them well.

28points

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#12

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Every single thing you do teaches them something. Signed, my kid’s first word was ‘s**t’

MamaBella , Nenad Stojkovic Report

Final score:

118points

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Danniee Gyrl 2 years ago

My kid first word was "Sh*t" as well (at 1 yo). We were in the grocery store. It was a busy time as well...😆😁

46points

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#13

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Parents need to do their part when their child is struggling in school. We can only do so much in 8 hours. If parents want results faster then they need to commit.

The_Special_Teacher , m_takahashi Report

Final score:

116points

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BadCat 2 years ago

Pay attention to patterns and figure out why your child is struggling. It could be it's not because they're being lazy.

44points

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#14

That the best thing to do is to prepare the child for the path and not the path for the child.

Dianachick Report

Final score:

109points

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Arlo (they/he) 2 years ago (edited)

This is actually very smart why does it have no comments (edit: now it has comments, just not when I posted :D)

38points

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#15

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Kids tell lies. They do. It’s part of their emotional and intellectual development. Don’t make it a big deal. Respond appropriately to the untruthful ness. Discuss it. Don’t take it personally.

teachingzeus , Marco Zanferrari Report

Final score:

105points

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BadCat 2 years ago

This is a fine line. Kids will lie usually for a reason. Other times it's not so much a lie but a made up story they're telling. It's important to teach kids to tell the truth while respecting other people's privacy.

55points

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#16

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Hardest pill for me to swallow so far is that they are going to grow up. My kids are 8 and 12 now and I am already SO sad about them growing up and moving out etc. I do focus on the time we've got now, but when those thoughts pop into my head I get SUPER sad. We haven't reached the teen years yet though so check back in the next few years.

WORST part of parenting: figuring out what the f**k to make for dinner EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I hate it so much. But if I don't feed them, they'll die, so that's lame.

hookedonfonicks , Brian Turner Report

Final score:

104points

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BadCat 2 years ago

LOL When I didn't know what to make for dinner, I just made something simple. Eating is important but not every dinner has to be this 3-4 dish, fancy buffet.

49points

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#17

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Teach them independence. Let them fall and scrap their knees. Let them fail. You are preparing for the real world. There will be mean people so you need to know that it’s important to be confident.

Lwilks0510 , Franklin Park Library Report

Final score:

99points

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Marianne 2 years ago

I'm a new mother and I am constantly worried how to decide if they will only scrap their knee or if they will die. Am I alone with this?

33points

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#18

My mom said, “That they are not a miniature version of yourself. As individuals they will need to do some things their own way, even if it’s not YOUR way.”

My mom has always allowed my siblings and myself to be authentically ourselves. She’s amazing.

Civil-Conclusion-726 Report

Final score:

85points

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BadCat 2 years ago

Lucky

25points

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#19

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Kids are tiny humans. It's easy to slip into seeing them as little machines into which you're supposed to input life lessons and get out good behavior. But even as kids, they are whole humans--they have bad days where they're grumpy and will be short with you, and there are foods they will never like no matter how many times you put it on their plate, and they'll pick the sports or hobbies they're into regardless of what you were into. If they're having a bad day, don't explain to them why they shouldn't be having a bad day; don't invalidate how they feel about things; treat them with the kindness and understanding and encouragement you give to your friends. I'm not saying "be your kid's best friend"--you need to be their parent and help them build the life skills and emotional intelligence necessary for a happy life, but do it in a way that treats them like the whole, individual humans they are.

Ginger_ish , Honza Soukup Report

Final score:

80points

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Alana Voeks 2 years ago (edited)

Remember, they're closer to animalhood than you are. They do things to get the best results. Would you start screaming at your puppy for peeing in the house if they aren't fully potty trained? No, you show them where they wet, tell them.no, and put them in time out. Same with kids. Kids need to understand that actions have consequences, and sometimes what feels good in the now can be very detrimental in the later.

9points

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#20

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online At some point, around age 12 or 13, it will seem like they genuinely hate you and they will be incredibly unpleasant to deal with. It passes, but it is rough when you are in the middle of it. You have to weather it with patience and grace (and consequences when warranted) because it is only a stage.

FionaTheFierce , Bryan Viers Report

Final score:

77points

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BadCat 2 years ago

Parents make it so much more difficult than it has to be. You're teen isn't going to be going to interviews at conservative, professional companies so let them dye their hair, cut how they want, dress how they want. Let them express themselves, figure out who they and who they want to be. It's all part of the growing up process.

56points

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#21

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online You’re gonna feel like you’re failing constantly...you’re not, not in the slightest, but you’ll feel like it

heaven2731 , Garrette Report

Final score:

76points

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cadena kuhn 2 years ago

For yrs my family had me convinced I was a bad mother. Then a few months ago my niece told me that all the cousins were jealous of my daughter as she was the only one who's parents truly loved and respected her and always put her 1st. That was the 1st time I truly thought I might b doing this right

55points

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#22

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online I am not less of a mother on bad days.

-DontPanic42- , MIKI Yoshihito Report

Final score:

62points

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Alana Voeks 2 years ago

Toxic positivity is everywhere. You DO NOT need to love your child at first sight. You DO NOT need to feel happy about cleaning up any sort of mess they make. And you ARE NOT a bad mom for having bad days. Just, for the love of christ, remember to apologize.

3points

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#23

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online The world is dangerous and unfortunately we cannot follow their every step. They grow up, they leave the house and bad things do happen

curious_mondi97 , John Walker Report

Final score:

61points

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Veronica Richard 2 years ago

I would add "we shouldn't follow every step". They need to learn resilience, and solving all their problems is not the way they learn it.

27points

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#24

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Consistency

purely_logic , Malcolm Murdoch Report

Final score:

59points

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Robin DJW 2 years ago

But not to the point of rigidity.

21points

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#25

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online More than the single hardest lesson, but these are the top for me:

* You're going to constantly second guess decisions, and feel guilty for things on a regular basis.
* Support, encouragement and trust are as important as love
* Letting them fail is epically hard; showing them how to come back from failure is vital
* If you split with your partner, remember that your kid(s) still need and want them in their life (barring abuse, etc.)
* You're raising them to be adults- teach them how to manage their own lives, and don't try to live their life for them
* When you like them the least is when they need love the most
* Communicate with them the way you want to be communicated with- kids are people, and they model your behaviors

phaedra_rising , Chad Kittel Report

Final score:

57points

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Mary E Perry 2 years ago

Separate out inherent personhood from their specific behaviors. I think it's a good idea when your objecting to what they are doing to say, I love you but I don't love this behavior. This is what I expect differently.

14points

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#26

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online You get to choose how to love your kids, how to teach your kids, and how you’re going to f**k up with your kids.

Choose wisely as all are inevitable.

Psyechic , chiaki hayashi Report

Final score:

55points

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Danniee Gyrl 2 years ago

Each step of parenting/loving/teaching my kid, I KNOW that I made mistakes. I did apologize to him for things I said or did. After I disciplined him, I ALWAYS told him I LOVE YOU. I made sure his mental/emotional state of self was good by asking him direct questions. I spent time with him. I am honest with him on every level. I am not perfect yet I made sure not to f*ck his life up ...😅

18points

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#27

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online They will have a difference of opinion, and disagree with you.

_celticbuttercup_ , Lee Coursey Report

Final score:

51points

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TURTLE 2 years ago

Amd what does the picture have to do with this😂🤣😂🤣

18points

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#28

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Their kids might not have anything in common with them or turn out differently than expected. I see a lot of parents who are surprised when they struggle to connect with their child or something hard pops up. So many small things can be huge stressors to kids and become gigantic, time consuming concerns for parents.

anon , Larry Koester Report

Final score:

43points

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the awesome Piplup 2 years ago (edited)

That is my dream room! My fave animal is the Platypus! And that is in this room

10points

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#29

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Even your best, most thoughtful intentions can go wrong.

WishfulHibernian6891 , Bureau of Land Management Report

Final score:

42points

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Ambry Petersen 2 years ago

That's part of mortality, just about everything you do has the power to go wrong. Try to learn from mistakes as you go.

6points

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#30

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Your purpose is not to pass down your own rules about life, but to put life itself in context for them.

(I'm not a parent tho, but I was surprised when someone said that that's how they parent their child and I thought it made sense)

strange_socks_ , 柳雩 Report

Final score:

40points

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BadCat 2 years ago

This needs more context.

20points

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#31

Teaching them to think critically from reputable sources to form their own opinions - they are autonomous beings and free thinkers. *Accept and respect the fact that they will have different opinions.*

legocitiez Report

Final score:

14points

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#32

They are not obligated to love you just because you brought them into this world; they are not obligated to care for you when you get older just because you fed and clothed them for any length of time. Parents often have children just to have someone to reciprocate the love they have their children, and that often causes parents a ton of pain and resentment towards their children when they do not understand that.

That’s not to say they won’t ever love you or care for you; it just should not be assumed that they *owe* you that affection.

Children (kids and adult children) have boundaries, too, and showing that you recognizes me respect that from an early age will help them form healthy, well-adjusted relationships.

“I noticed that you seem to feel/do <*insert emotion/action*> when <*insert instance of issue occurs*>. Can you please explain it to me?,” is a good way to clarify what is going on in the situation before we let ourselves get too frustrated about their behavior or assume they’re just unruly creatures who act out.

And they totally do sometimes.

Children’s brains are not fully formed yet (still developing even as almost-adults) so it’s the parents’ responsibility to set the tone and figure out what causes the unacceptable behavior and the appropriate solution/discipline.

Resisting the urge to react immediately to negative news or ideas you don’t agree with will probably be the single hardest thing you do as a parent, even into their adult years. Some parents literally never learn to do that.

No parent will ever be perfect at that, but it really helps to build your relationship with them as well as their relationships with *everyone else*.

Exhausted_Lady Report

Final score:

12points

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BadCat 2 years ago

Kids also don't owe you payback for all the money you've spent on them. Some cultures do this.

7points

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#33

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Your children are not *yours*

They are under your guidance until they come of age and then they are grow up and have their own life...some parents seem to treat their children like literal property...like "I own you"

your job is not to be their BFF girlfriend or be their drinking/sports Buddy
...you're their parent..
you job is to guide them and lead by example and equip them mentally and morally for this life so they will grow up and be good people.

oh and most important...
Young kids *NEED* something difficult to overcome growing up...They need to be challenged...They need their own personal dragon to slay of their own power and will...

So many parents protect their children from EVERYTHING and their children grow up weak, and fearful and underdeveloped... Struggle and adversity builds strong character...None of the greats got to where they were without embracing suffering...Teach your children to lean into the suffering they experience in life ...be it a difficult class or subject they cannot pass or a bully or social drama at school. Obviously not too much, but enough for them to understand that life comes and goes in seasons of good times and bad times and you need to be able to learn how to push back, overcome and grow from adversity.

veritechfighter286 , Presidio of MontereyFollow Report

Final score:

10points

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Mary Jeffries 2 years ago

My kids are mine and I am theirs. Not in an ownership way but I like to say it.

0points

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#34

Your kids have different DNA to you and to each other. They draw it off all their ancestors on both sides. So they aren’t you in this fundamental way. The sooner you realise this the better you will feel...

Annual-Neat6038 Report

Final score:

10points

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BadCat 2 years ago

Yup. And don't shame them with "Why are you being like that? Don't be like your father/mother."

4points

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#35

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online They will get hurt and sometimes you have to let it happen. I hate it

not_doing_that , Richard Elzey Report

Final score:

9points

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Mary Jeffries 2 years ago

My kids leaned early on to gauge safety because I only intervened if I thought they’d get really hurt. A few bumps and bruises helps them grow. They are very able little people with confidence.

0points

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#36

30 Brutal Lessons For More Effective Parenting, As Shared By Moms Online Sometimes their train of thought/things they say/ actions are impossible to understand. They need decipline. You're they're parent first, then their best friend. They copy you. Good habits, bad habits.

anon , Neale Bryan Report

Final score:

9points

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#37

The biggest thing I have learned as a parent is that our kids mirror back to us the parts of ourselves we didn’t realize existed, or the parts of ourselves we don’t like. It’s terrifying and ego busting and rage inducing, but its also the most important work I’ve ever done on myself. As I’m raising these humans to be good people, I am learning how to accept, love or outgrow parts of myself so I can grow as a person along the way. It’s a trip, to say the least ;)

bodhisaurusrex Report

Final score:

9points

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Danniee Gyrl 2 years ago

my kid said something one day (smart mouth reply to me)... ----- I looked at him and was like WTAF, who raised YOU.---- He looked at me and said YOU. ---- ME: Pinkachu Face....🤣🤣😅😅😅--- I know I have a smart mouth (I'm working on it), and I talk back to people, esp when they "TRY" to try me. (I do not take any type of cr@p from anyone)...---My son is the same way way in some aspects of life

3points

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#38

Your kids don’t owe you anything. Having kids is a selfish decision.

maaaaaaaaassssssks Report

Final score:

9points

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BadCat 2 years ago

You mean a selfless decision. Because for it to be a selfish decision would mean expecting something for having kids.

-2points

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#39

Not a parent, but don't expect/try to have a child that is a carbon copy of you. Interests, talents, views, beliefs, values, personalities are never guaranteed to match yours, and that's okay. Because they are different should not trigger disappointment

girl_im_deepressed Report

Final score:

9points

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#40

It’s your job to let them experience disappointment.

CaptainCrunchPoodle Report

Final score:

8points

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#41

Kids are really manipulative.

whatsthedealcake Report

Final score:

5points

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Danniee Gyrl 2 years ago

YES!!! The little sneaky sneaks....but like I told my kid. I was your age once...come up with better material

4points

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#42

they grow up.

anon Report

Final score:

5points

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#43

My boss (father of 2 kids under 5) told me he lost sleep.over those 2 american guys in Italy who just got sentenced to life in prison. He said it made him realize his kids could do stuff that effects him in the future...and he said this to me and a coworker and we were like, "Well, yeah..." so yeah, think about what your kid could be like as an adult.

drgirlfriend69 Report

Final score:

4points

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#44

Let them fail. You cannot help them succeed at everything.

gamerladyM Report

Final score:

4points

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What do you think ?

Can we please get rid of participation trophies?!?

15points

Pizzagirl 91 2 years ago

Participation trophies have their use, though. My niece (9) had a school sports day, and only one girl and one boy of all the children participating could get a prize - all the hundreds of children who didn't win didn't get anything for their efforts. My niece didn't even want to take part, since she knew there were girls who were better than her, why should she even try? (she doesn't usually give up easily, but she is a realist!) I agree that people get praise to easily nowadays, but we should take care that it doesn't go into the other extreme, either. Children need encouragement.

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Celia McReynolds Tinsley 2 years ago

There were two rules I never backed down on when my boys were growing up. First, never force your kids to eat or even try food if they don't want to. I always put it on their plate, told them what it was when asked, and left it at that. They are both willing to try absolutely anything once. I was forced to try new foods and forced to eat food that mom knew I hated; now I am an extremely picky eater and almost always refuse to taste anything new. Second, I shared my beliefs and feelings with my boys and answered any questions they had but i never forced anything on them by demanding they believe just like me or they will be punished. I encouraged them to search for what felt real to them let them know even if we were on opposite ends of something I would always respect their beliefs and feelings. I don't understand parents who cram their beliefs down their children's throats and make the children feel like they aren't allowed to have their own thoughts on anything.

Felix Graham 2 years ago (edited)

I often think people don't understand the privilege inherent in that position. I grew up in abject poverty. If we didn't grow it, we didn't eat it. There was no option but what was in front of us. We could eat or we could be hungry. My mom did force some things that just made my stomach upset, but I wasn't eating it because I disliked it, I was refusing to eat it because it made me ill. In retrospect, I also know my mom had a lot of poverty and food trauma in her own life, which explained many of her decisions. But nevertheless, the privilege of being picky is just that for many kids - a privilege.

2points

oddly_informed_raven 2 years ago

sometimes, your kid will be neurodivergent. don't make fun of them for their safe food, or only having online friends, or stimming, or thinking about things in a way you don't understand. speaking as the ND child

Arlo (they/he) 2 years ago

And also don’t tell them that they’re stubborn and fatalistic and too resistant to change when t h e y ‘ r e j u s t s a y i n g t h a t t h e t c a n ‘ t c o n t r o l w h e n t h e y f i d g e t. And don’t be rude about their rituals/things they do. The order I do the dishes in does not hurt you. But my brain feels like my feelings are tearing themselves apart when you make me go out of my way to do it differently. Speaking as a probably ND child

1point

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