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Divorce and blending a family come with a whole slew of awkwardness. It’s a messy and sometimes misunderstood dynamic to those not living it. Some people are kind, some are awful, and some are intrusive — both purposely and obliviously. I’m a big girl and can handle it. I’ve been enduring it for years. What I won’t stand for, however, is when someone makes my kids feel like sh*t about any part of this dynamic. People, both ones we know and ones we don’t, try to qualify my kids’ relationship, and it happens more than you can imagine.
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You see, after my divorce, I remarried and added another little girl to our crew. While I share custody of my older daughter with my first husband — her dad — my girls are close and adore each other as if they were together every day. My firstborn could not be more gracious, maternal, and loving. Their eight-year age gap left me with questions and concerns, but that was my own insecurities and neuroses. They are the best kind of sisters. The older one is the protector and the little one is her shadow.
They are madly in love and I’m equally in love with them and their relationship. However, there are people out there who feel it’s necessary to remind my older child that this baby is her “half-sister.” While that term might be scientifically accurate, it couldn’t be more of a misrepresentation of their bond. It feels dismissive.
Every time the words “half-sister” roll off someone’s tongue as casually as if they’re placing their morning coffee order, my older daughter gets upset. She asks me why people keep saying that and what it means for them, and she looks for cues on how she’s supposed to feel about her sister. It’s upsetting, infuriating, and frankly, mean. Why does anyone have to rain on her parade and point out something so meaningless that only makes her question their connection?
We don’t use the term “half-sister” because these girls are not half anything. They’re whole sisters who love each other with their whole hearts. They play, bicker, and show affection like sisters.
Sure, they don’t have the same father, but that has zero bearing on their bond. That fact was also out of their control. They took to the role of sisters so naturally and lovingly, so why can’t everyone else be accepting and follow suit?
My girls are sisters. Period. They don’t need people constantly pointing out the intricacies of their genetic makeup. Mothers like me work hard every day to facilitate healthy, strong relationships within their families. So when others try to undermine that, they’re belittling the circumstances under which my kids came into this world. So please, think twice before you say something about someone else’s dynamic, because at the end of the day, we’re a regular family — just like you.
Editor’s note: Rachel Sobel runs a blog called Whine & Cheez, and you can visit it at whineandcheezits.com, Facebook or Instagram
What do you think ?
djinnjeannie 5 years ago
Some people who aren’t blood related or are related at a non sibling level have stronger bonds than many siblings but don’t get defensive if people refer to them as friends or cousins or whatever. This sounds more like projection of insecurity of the parents more than anything else. Half siblings infers nothing about the closeness of the relationship
Anna Phoenix 5 years ago
I would share your opinion, but my brother (step brother) does not take it well since he was little. He does know that we have different mothers etc. We are 15 years apart and never lived together, but when somebody calls me his step sister, he used to get upset. Now he explains first and gets upset if they insist on repeating it. He thinks it is up to us whether we want to say "step" or not. He sais (even takes the time to explain to teachers etc.) that we are very close and he does not want them to say it. I have never asked him to do that, but I do respect his wish. I think that if the children understand the structure of their family, there is no need for anyone to push the "step" on them if it makes them uncomfortable...
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Cassie 5 years ago
Being half-sisters means they have different fathers. That's all it means. If you tell your daughters anything different - that it's in any way disparaging - it isn't other people who are damaging your daughters' relationship.
Anna Phoenix 5 years ago
Some children don't take it well when people say it. My little brother really hates it. Our family is complicated and his mom used to hate me (block my number in his phone, delete emails, sabotage meetings). He used to cry and refuse to let go of me, scared we would not meet again a few years ago. Just the memory still breaks my heart. Now when he is a bit older, if somebody (teacher, friend etc.) calls me his step/half sister, it brings back the past separation. He politely asks them not to repeat it because he does not like it, and if they insist he gets upset. All I want to say is that sure, technically it is just a fact, but for some, it can be hurtful. I think if the child is told the truth by their family when they can understand it, there is no point for other people to push the term on them. As my brother sais, if you know it, it should be your choice what you call your sibling in a normal conversation.
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Daniel (ShadowDrakken) 5 years ago
Dear Snowflake, I'm sorry you're offended by reality. It's a shame YOU think there's something wrong with half-siblings. I love my half-siblings, probably get along with them BETTER than they get along with each other as full siblings. half-sibling is NOT in any way a bad word, it's a technical and meaningful description. I don't call my sisters "half-sisters" day to day, but that's what they are and it's not like it's a topic that comes up often in the first place.
djinnjeannie 5 years ago
Some people who aren’t blood related or are related at a non sibling level have stronger bonds than many siblings but don’t get defensive if people refer to them as friends or cousins or whatever. This sounds more like projection of insecurity of the parents more than anything else. Half siblings infers nothing about the closeness of the relationship
Anna Phoenix 5 years ago
I would share your opinion, but my brother (step brother) does not take it well since he was little. He does know that we have different mothers etc. We are 15 years apart and never lived together, but when somebody calls me his step sister, he used to get upset. Now he explains first and gets upset if they insist on repeating it. He thinks it is up to us whether we want to say "step" or not. He sais (even takes the time to explain to teachers etc.) that we are very close and he does not want them to say it. I have never asked him to do that, but I do respect his wish. I think that if the children understand the structure of their family, there is no need for anyone to push the "step" on them if it makes them uncomfortable...
Load More Replies... Cassie 5 years ago
Being half-sisters means they have different fathers. That's all it means. If you tell your daughters anything different - that it's in any way disparaging - it isn't other people who are damaging your daughters' relationship.
Anna Phoenix 5 years ago
Some children don't take it well when people say it. My little brother really hates it. Our family is complicated and his mom used to hate me (block my number in his phone, delete emails, sabotage meetings). He used to cry and refuse to let go of me, scared we would not meet again a few years ago. Just the memory still breaks my heart. Now when he is a bit older, if somebody (teacher, friend etc.) calls me his step/half sister, it brings back the past separation. He politely asks them not to repeat it because he does not like it, and if they insist he gets upset. All I want to say is that sure, technically it is just a fact, but for some, it can be hurtful. I think if the child is told the truth by their family when they can understand it, there is no point for other people to push the term on them. As my brother sais, if you know it, it should be your choice what you call your sibling in a normal conversation.
Load More Replies... Daniel (ShadowDrakken) 5 years ago
Dear Snowflake, I'm sorry you're offended by reality. It's a shame YOU think there's something wrong with half-siblings. I love my half-siblings, probably get along with them BETTER than they get along with each other as full siblings. half-sibling is NOT in any way a bad word, it's a technical and meaningful description. I don't call my sisters "half-sisters" day to day, but that's what they are and it's not like it's a topic that comes up often in the first place.
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