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151
“My Boyfriend Won’t Talk To Me And Is Suggesting We Break Up After I Saw His Burn Scars”
Couples break up for many different reasons. The most common reasons for divorce are a lack of commitment, incessant arguing, and infidelity. Sometimes, a partner’s insecurity might also drive a couple to break up, and not the jealousy kind.
This couple faced a crisis because of one partner’s insecurity about his body. Having suffered a fire in childhood, the guy was left with severe burn scars and had issues with people seeing his body. After his boyfriend accidentally walked in on him in the bathroom, he freaked out and immediately called for a breakup. Panicked, the boyfriend turned for help to the internet.
RELATED:
A man walked in on his boyfriend in the shower and saw the burn scars he had from childhood
Image credits: felipepelaquim / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Freaked out, the boyfriend immediately jumped to the conclusion that the guy wanted to break up
Image credits: Polina Tankilevitch / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pablo Merchán Montes / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Andrej Lišakov / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ThrowRAGayRoommates
It’s completely normal and common for burn survivors to have body image issues
For people who haven’t experienced similar trauma, it might be difficult to understand the boyfriend’s behavior. But it’s common for someone with severe burn scars to have grave body image issues.
According to the Model Systems Knowledge Translation Center (MSKTC), around one-third of burn victims worry severely about the way their body looks, works, and feels after they’re first hospitalized.
The most common worries are about people staring, how they may react when they see their scars and anxiety about intimate scenarios. However, burn survivors also struggle with their body image internally. They may experience grief or sadness about the way they look, and, in some cases, their physical abilities before the accident.
When in social situations, many burn victims often freeze up or find it really uncomfortable when they have to explain how they got the scars. Some experts advise having an answer ready so it doesn’t take them by surprise.
It’s up to the person to decide how much they want to share. Saying something like “I was burned when I was younger, but fortunately I am back to doing all the activities I did before” can be enough if they don’t want to elaborate. However, some burn survivors claim that talking about their experiences helps them with emotional healing.
It’s also okay to not want to talk about it. Telling that to people or having sort of a catchphrase, a reminder to be kind, can also help. One possible catchphrase to tell others can be “Remember to be gracious.”
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Experts advise burn survivors to engage in grooming rituals with their partners so they feel more comfortable
Physical intimacy can be one of the biggest challenges for burn survivors. When researchers from the University of West of England spoke with burn survivors about common worries, romantic relationships came up often.
Many worried that burn scars would be unattractive to potential partners. Yet, at the same time, almost all of the respondents found that it’s very rarely an issue for their significant others.
One survivor’s partner thought her burns made her “unique”, another said that the burns made her different from everyone else and “that’s cool”. Other partners suggested that romantic attraction is not just about looks. One partner, Gary, argued that “beauty is so much more than skin deep.”
The experts at MSKTC explain that grooming activities with their partners can help burn survivors feel more confident and comfortable in their bodies. Activities such as styling hair, showering, shaving, and painting nails can improve readjustments to body image.
Also, getting used to a partner having physical contact with the burned skin might help. “Moisturizing or massaging your scars can help both of you to overcome any hesitation or the ‘fear of rejection’,” according to MSKTC.
Getting help from a professional also shouldn’t be taboo. There just are some things we ourselves or our partners cannot fix alone. Leaning on community, mental health professionals, friends, or family members can help in overcoming body issues.
People in the comments guessed that the man might’ve had a bad experience with a previous partner and that’s why he offered to break up
In a later update, the guy detailed how the couple worked it out, but the boyfriend still wasn’t open to individual therapy
Image credits: ThrowRAGayRoommates
Poll Question
How do you feel about the boyfriend's initial reaction of wanting a breakup after accidentally seeing the scars?
Understandable reaction given his insecurities
Overreaction, should have talked it out first
A normal defensive response
He should have trusted his partner more
What do you think ?
Just_for_this 5 days ago (edited)
His scars are represent a hugely traumatic part of his life; physical and emotional pain which include the death of his mother - reinforced by years of bullying, and so much of life he's 'missed out on' because of that. That's a lot of unpicking, that can only be achieved if he works at it but ultimately it comes down to accepting where he is now, trusting those who matter to you, and becoming robust enough to not care about those who don't matter. For me it was my first girlfriend who helped me though but it took about 2-3 years. It sounds like OP could be the one to help him if he's willing - I hope so for both of them.
BeesEelsAndPups 4 days ago
It's more than that. As a person with survivor's guilt, I can tell you it's about shame of being the one that lived. And I don't have to wear my shame on my skin. I can hide it deep down inside. This guy will forever feel that looking at his scars is looking at his ultimate failure
Load More Replies...
Thanos'Fingers 4 days ago
Or he could get therapy to not feel like a electrical house fire was the fault of his child self? Your take seems extreme, or just a bit sad..
BeesEelsAndPups 4 days ago
Yep. But therapy isn't a magic bullet. I've been in therapy for years. There's knowing something to be true logically, and feeling the guilt in your bones. Therapy does help, but it's like stitching a wound closed that's been open for years. Not all wounds heal, some are too deep
Emilu 5 days ago
The options in the poll here don't do it for me. I kinda want to hit all four and then add an extra comment. Of course BF was defensive, but he's been treated poorly before and people can be cruel. Yes, you should trust your partner, but he's done that before and it hasn't worked, so it's understandable he'd be wary to do it again. I'm glad OP and his BF came to a conclusion that worked for them, because nobody deserves to be shunned for how they look.
Jaya 5 days ago (edited)
He wasn't angry, just in an absolute state of panic. He's had horrible responses from people seeing his scars when he was young, which makes him feel like someone else seeing your scars is the most dangerous thing ever, that's how trauma works. And he was probably 100% convinced that OP is gonna break up with him now, so he's just trying to do it himself before OP can do it. I really hope they'll be able to work through it and be happy together, and that he will one day be open to some specific therapy to heal his emotional wounds, because he really deserves to feel less scared.
Neopet22 2 days ago
Op sounds like a great partner but isn't he scared bf would see this? I know he said it was a throwaway account but he provided a lot of details about their conversation which I feel like if he sees this post,he will know it's about him. I hope he won't feel upset if that happens
Mark Childers 4 days ago
I'm so glad this story had a positive ending. I hope the guy gets used to being in his own skin soon. That's a lot of work and a lot of anxiety.
Laura Noemi Diaz 4 days ago
He needs to go to therapy. At some point in the relationship, he's going to get sick or go to the hospital and need help from his boyfriend. What he's aiming for isn't sustainable long-term.
Tabitha 4 days ago (edited)
My father’s legs were burned (enough to scar, but not to disable) in an accident when he was a toddler. He never said anything about being bullied for it as a child. The skin on his legs did look different than normal, but he never made any bones about it, and wore shorts and bathing suits without caring what anyone thought—-and since he was a good-looking guy when he was younger, he also had no problems getting dates, including spending time at the beach. In fact, I have several pictures of him and my mother at the beach before they were married, and he absolutely did not cover his scarred legs. I don’t even think he even thought about them wing scarred all the at much. I guess what I’m saying is his scars were part of who he was. They weren’t anything to be ashamed about, because they indicated that he is 100% a survivor, and not a victim. OP’s boyfriend is acting like a victim when he should be a survivor. I believe some counseling might help him overcome his PTSD about the fire and the expectation of ridicule and bullying when someone sees his scars—-including someone like OP, who cares about him and has never said or done anything cruel about them.
Renegade 4 days ago
I think OP's situation is a bit different than your dad's in that he lost his mom and he went from "normal" to scarred in a few minutes. Your dad probably doesn't even really remember not looking the way he does because he was so young when it happened. It probably hits different. I'm glad your dad doesn't care as that's much healthier mentally.
FreeTheUnicorn 5 days ago (edited)
He's not ready for a relationship. His comfort with himself needs to be moving in the right direction at least. If he's fighting to stay where he is, he's not considering the impact on the relationship and isn't ready to be in a relationship. The process is slow and difficult, so it's that there is progress not that the amount that matters, but if he can't commit to it, don't date.
Libstak 5 days ago
Because many millions of people know good grammar and can write well.
Load More Replies...
Thanos'Fingers 4 days ago
I had a conversation with ChatGPT today that was genuinely frightening. It's becoming too smart too quickly. In 4 more years it will be writing articles like this and shipping them back to the past in its proprietary time machine, just watch. Skynet's name is G P T
Just_for_this 5 days ago (edited)
His scars are represent a hugely traumatic part of his life; physical and emotional pain which include the death of his mother - reinforced by years of bullying, and so much of life he's 'missed out on' because of that. That's a lot of unpicking, that can only be achieved if he works at it but ultimately it comes down to accepting where he is now, trusting those who matter to you, and becoming robust enough to not care about those who don't matter. For me it was my first girlfriend who helped me though but it took about 2-3 years. It sounds like OP could be the one to help him if he's willing - I hope so for both of them.
BeesEelsAndPups 4 days ago
It's more than that. As a person with survivor's guilt, I can tell you it's about shame of being the one that lived. And I don't have to wear my shame on my skin. I can hide it deep down inside. This guy will forever feel that looking at his scars is looking at his ultimate failure
Load More Replies... Thanos'Fingers 4 days ago
Or he could get therapy to not feel like a electrical house fire was the fault of his child self? Your take seems extreme, or just a bit sad..
BeesEelsAndPups 4 days ago
Yep. But therapy isn't a magic bullet. I've been in therapy for years. There's knowing something to be true logically, and feeling the guilt in your bones. Therapy does help, but it's like stitching a wound closed that's been open for years. Not all wounds heal, some are too deep
Emilu 5 days ago
The options in the poll here don't do it for me. I kinda want to hit all four and then add an extra comment. Of course BF was defensive, but he's been treated poorly before and people can be cruel. Yes, you should trust your partner, but he's done that before and it hasn't worked, so it's understandable he'd be wary to do it again. I'm glad OP and his BF came to a conclusion that worked for them, because nobody deserves to be shunned for how they look.
Jaya 5 days ago (edited)
He wasn't angry, just in an absolute state of panic. He's had horrible responses from people seeing his scars when he was young, which makes him feel like someone else seeing your scars is the most dangerous thing ever, that's how trauma works. And he was probably 100% convinced that OP is gonna break up with him now, so he's just trying to do it himself before OP can do it. I really hope they'll be able to work through it and be happy together, and that he will one day be open to some specific therapy to heal his emotional wounds, because he really deserves to feel less scared.
Neopet22 2 days ago
Op sounds like a great partner but isn't he scared bf would see this? I know he said it was a throwaway account but he provided a lot of details about their conversation which I feel like if he sees this post,he will know it's about him. I hope he won't feel upset if that happens
Mark Childers 4 days ago
I'm so glad this story had a positive ending. I hope the guy gets used to being in his own skin soon. That's a lot of work and a lot of anxiety.
Laura Noemi Diaz 4 days ago
He needs to go to therapy. At some point in the relationship, he's going to get sick or go to the hospital and need help from his boyfriend. What he's aiming for isn't sustainable long-term.
Tabitha 4 days ago (edited)
My father’s legs were burned (enough to scar, but not to disable) in an accident when he was a toddler. He never said anything about being bullied for it as a child. The skin on his legs did look different than normal, but he never made any bones about it, and wore shorts and bathing suits without caring what anyone thought—-and since he was a good-looking guy when he was younger, he also had no problems getting dates, including spending time at the beach. In fact, I have several pictures of him and my mother at the beach before they were married, and he absolutely did not cover his scarred legs. I don’t even think he even thought about them wing scarred all the at much. I guess what I’m saying is his scars were part of who he was. They weren’t anything to be ashamed about, because they indicated that he is 100% a survivor, and not a victim. OP’s boyfriend is acting like a victim when he should be a survivor. I believe some counseling might help him overcome his PTSD about the fire and the expectation of ridicule and bullying when someone sees his scars—-including someone like OP, who cares about him and has never said or done anything cruel about them.
Renegade 4 days ago
I think OP's situation is a bit different than your dad's in that he lost his mom and he went from "normal" to scarred in a few minutes. Your dad probably doesn't even really remember not looking the way he does because he was so young when it happened. It probably hits different. I'm glad your dad doesn't care as that's much healthier mentally.
FreeTheUnicorn 5 days ago (edited)
He's not ready for a relationship. His comfort with himself needs to be moving in the right direction at least. If he's fighting to stay where he is, he's not considering the impact on the relationship and isn't ready to be in a relationship. The process is slow and difficult, so it's that there is progress not that the amount that matters, but if he can't commit to it, don't date.
Libstak 5 days ago
Because many millions of people know good grammar and can write well.
Load More Replies... Thanos'Fingers 4 days ago
I had a conversation with ChatGPT today that was genuinely frightening. It's becoming too smart too quickly. In 4 more years it will be writing articles like this and shipping them back to the past in its proprietary time machine, just watch. Skynet's name is G P T
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