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151
“My Boyfriend Won’t Talk To Me And Is Suggesting We Break Up After I Saw His Burn Scars”
Couples break up for many different reasons. The most common reasons for divorce are a lack of commitment, incessant arguing, and infidelity. Sometimes, a partner’s insecurity might also drive a couple to break up, and not the jealousy kind.
This couple faced a crisis because of one partner’s insecurity about his body. Having suffered a fire in childhood, the guy was left with severe burn scars and had issues with people seeing his body. After his boyfriend accidentally walked in on him in the bathroom, he freaked out and immediately called for a breakup. Panicked, the boyfriend turned for help to the internet.
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A man walked in on his boyfriend in the shower and saw the burn scars he had from childhood
Image credits: felipepelaquim / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Freaked out, the boyfriend immediately jumped to the conclusion that the guy wanted to break up
Image credits: Polina Tankilevitch / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pablo Merchán Montes / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Andrej Lišakov / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ThrowRAGayRoommates
It’s completely normal and common for burn survivors to have body image issues
For people who haven’t experienced similar trauma, it might be difficult to understand the boyfriend’s behavior. But it’s common for someone with severe burn scars to have grave body image issues.
According to the Model Systems Knowledge Translation Center (MSKTC), around one-third of burn victims worry severely about the way their body looks, works, and feels after they’re first hospitalized.
The most common worries are about people staring, how they may react when they see their scars and anxiety about intimate scenarios. However, burn survivors also struggle with their body image internally. They may experience grief or sadness about the way they look, and, in some cases, their physical abilities before the accident.
When in social situations, many burn victims often freeze up or find it really uncomfortable when they have to explain how they got the scars. Some experts advise having an answer ready so it doesn’t take them by surprise.
It’s up to the person to decide how much they want to share. Saying something like “I was burned when I was younger, but fortunately I am back to doing all the activities I did before” can be enough if they don’t want to elaborate. However, some burn survivors claim that talking about their experiences helps them with emotional healing.
It’s also okay to not want to talk about it. Telling that to people or having sort of a catchphrase, a reminder to be kind, can also help. One possible catchphrase to tell others can be “Remember to be gracious.”
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Experts advise burn survivors to engage in grooming rituals with their partners so they feel more comfortable
Physical intimacy can be one of the biggest challenges for burn survivors. When researchers from the University of West of England spoke with burn survivors about common worries, romantic relationships came up often.
Many worried that burn scars would be unattractive to potential partners. Yet, at the same time, almost all of the respondents found that it’s very rarely an issue for their significant others.
One survivor’s partner thought her burns made her “unique”, another said that the burns made her different from everyone else and “that’s cool”. Other partners suggested that romantic attraction is not just about looks. One partner, Gary, argued that “beauty is so much more than skin deep.”
The experts at MSKTC explain that grooming activities with their partners can help burn survivors feel more confident and comfortable in their bodies. Activities such as styling hair, showering, shaving, and painting nails can improve readjustments to body image.
Also, getting used to a partner having physical contact with the burned skin might help. “Moisturizing or massaging your scars can help both of you to overcome any hesitation or the ‘fear of rejection’,” according to MSKTC.
Getting help from a professional also shouldn’t be taboo. There just are some things we ourselves or our partners cannot fix alone. Leaning on community, mental health professionals, friends, or family members can help in overcoming body issues.
People in the comments guessed that the man might’ve had a bad experience with a previous partner and that’s why he offered to break up
In a later update, the guy detailed how the couple worked it out, but the boyfriend still wasn’t open to individual therapy
Image credits: ThrowRAGayRoommates
Poll Question
How do you feel about the boyfriend's initial reaction of wanting a breakup after accidentally seeing the scars?
Understandable reaction given his insecurities
Overreaction, should have talked it out first
A normal defensive response
He should have trusted his partner more
What do you think ?
Just_for_this 3 days ago (edited)
His scars are represent a hugely traumatic part of his life; physical and emotional pain which include the death of his mother - reinforced by years of bullying, and so much of life he's 'missed out on' because of that. That's a lot of unpicking, that can only be achieved if he works at it but ultimately it comes down to accepting where he is now, trusting those who matter to you, and becoming robust enough to not care about those who don't matter. For me it was my first girlfriend who helped me though but it took about 2-3 years. It sounds like OP could be the one to help him if he's willing - I hope so for both of them.
BeesEelsAndPups 3 days ago
It's more than that. As a person with survivor's guilt, I can tell you it's about shame of being the one that lived. And I don't have to wear my shame on my skin. I can hide it deep down inside. This guy will forever feel that looking at his scars is looking at his ultimate failure
Load More Replies...
Emilu 3 days ago
The options in the poll here don't do it for me. I kinda want to hit all four and then add an extra comment. Of course BF was defensive, but he's been treated poorly before and people can be cruel. Yes, you should trust your partner, but he's done that before and it hasn't worked, so it's understandable he'd be wary to do it again. I'm glad OP and his BF came to a conclusion that worked for them, because nobody deserves to be shunned for how they look.
Just_for_this 3 days ago (edited)
His scars are represent a hugely traumatic part of his life; physical and emotional pain which include the death of his mother - reinforced by years of bullying, and so much of life he's 'missed out on' because of that. That's a lot of unpicking, that can only be achieved if he works at it but ultimately it comes down to accepting where he is now, trusting those who matter to you, and becoming robust enough to not care about those who don't matter. For me it was my first girlfriend who helped me though but it took about 2-3 years. It sounds like OP could be the one to help him if he's willing - I hope so for both of them.
BeesEelsAndPups 3 days ago
It's more than that. As a person with survivor's guilt, I can tell you it's about shame of being the one that lived. And I don't have to wear my shame on my skin. I can hide it deep down inside. This guy will forever feel that looking at his scars is looking at his ultimate failure
Load More Replies... Emilu 3 days ago
The options in the poll here don't do it for me. I kinda want to hit all four and then add an extra comment. Of course BF was defensive, but he's been treated poorly before and people can be cruel. Yes, you should trust your partner, but he's done that before and it hasn't worked, so it's understandable he'd be wary to do it again. I'm glad OP and his BF came to a conclusion that worked for them, because nobody deserves to be shunned for how they look.
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