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60 Groucho Marx Quotes That Will Crack You Up

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Hailed as one of the funniest comedians in American history, Groucho Marx quotes give a glimpse into the mind of this master. Living from 1890 till 1977, Groucho Marx came into this world, made us laugh, and left a legacy in the form of quotes and jokes. Some of these quotes by Groucho Marx can also act as life lessons. After all, comedy and life have much more in common than it seems.

Groucho Marx and his brothers are the masters of classic jokes that made people laugh in the 20th century. Groucho himself might be the master of the wittiest one-liners to have ever graced the screens. Of course, once famous Groucho Marx one-liners and quotes have somewhat deteriorated over the years. Yet the meaning behind the string of funny words is still as impactful as ever.

Good thought-provoking quotes are usually found in the funniest jokes in the world. And the master of many of them is the man himself. Call them jokes or thought-provoking sayings, but we have compiled the best quotes from Groucho Marx. If there is a quote from him that you liked, upvote it. On the other hand, if you have something to share about this brilliant comedian, do so in the comments below.

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#1

quote about learning from the mistakes of others “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.” - Groucho Marx

19points

Nicole Weymann 1 year ago

THAT is certainly more valid than "you have to try everything at least once"

3points

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#2

not wonderful evening quote “I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.” - Groucho Marx

18points

Manda Hart 1 year ago

Done that!

0points

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#3

quote about that only you can make you day happy or unhappy "I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." - Groucho Marx

16points

Sleestak 1 year ago

Must try to remember this on Monday

1point

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#4

quote about not much respect “I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.” - Groucho Marx

16points

Sleestak 1 year ago

Saving this one for a painy day.

1point

#5

refusing a membership in a familiar club quote "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." - Groucho Marx

15points

Malfar 1 year ago

And it being so funny or wise why?

1point

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#6

laughing at yourself quote “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” -Groucho Marx

15points

MrG 1 year ago

Third degree burn.

0points

#7

hate everyone equally quote “I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.” - Groucho Marx

14points

Mike Fitzpatrick 1 year ago

I used this line once. I didn't know that Groucho first used it.

1point

#8

quote about not a wonderful time “I have had a wonderful time but this wasn't it.” - Groucho Marx

14points

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#9

quote about principles "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." - Groucho Marx

13points

Sleestak 1 year ago

I've heard a number of these before, but I'm busting a gut this time!

1point

#10

the secret of life quote "The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made." - Groucho Marx

13points

Mike Fitzpatrick 1 year ago

I feel like this is the mantra for many used car sales people. 😂

3points

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#11

funny Groucho Marx quote "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know." - Groucho Marx

13points

#12

quote about behaviour of a best friend in prison “When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.” - Groucho Marx

13points

Michelle C 1 year ago

I did not know he originated this quote and I see it on Facebook all the time. I always laugh when I see it!

0points

#13

quot about humor “Humor is reason gone mad.” - Groucho Marx

13points

#14

dislike for a person quote “I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." - Groucho Marx

13points

#15

quote about reality “I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.” - Groucho Marx

13points

Sleestak 1 year ago

Priorities

2points

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#16

quote about a black cat crossing the path “If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” - Groucho Marx

13points

#17

funny quote about dogs and books "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

12points

#18

choosing for money your own form of misery quote “While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.” - Groucho Marx

12points

TheGoodBoi 1 year ago

I believe it helps tremendously. Unless you're famous and always have people flocking to you and taking pictures of you in your own home. That's probably the depressing part. But yes, imo it would bring me lots of happiness...

1point

#19

quote about a whim “Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.” - Groucho Marx

12points

Sleestak 1 year ago

Cutting to the chase

1point

#20

funny quote-entering into a conversation “Before I speak, I have something important to say.” - Groucho Marx

12points

Sleestak 1 year ago

That'll quiet the room with a "wait, huh?"

1point

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#21

the secret of in love quote “She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.” - Groucho Marx

12points

#22

education of book and television quote “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” - Groucho Marx

11points

Frank Newton 1 year ago

This.

0points

#23

quote about the cracked “Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.” - Groucho Marx

11points

Sleestak 1 year ago

Maybe my first tattoo?

1point

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#24

intend to live forever quote “I intend to live forever, or die trying.” - Groucho Marx

10points

#25

disagreement quote “Whatever it is, I'm against it.” - Groucho Marx

10points

Hugh Cookson 1 year ago

Ah, the Daily Mail .....

2points

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#26

quote about the way from nothing to a state of extreme poverty “Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.” - Groucho Marx

10points

Mojo Flizash 1 year ago

Wow. Profoundly current

0points

#27

quote about time “Time wounds all heels.” - Groucho Marx

10points

#28

funny quote before telling the story not the first time “If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.” - Groucho Marx

10points

#29

Groucho Marx quote “I must admit, I was born at an early age. ” - Groucho Marx

10points

Mike Fitzpatrick 1 year ago

Sounds a lot like something Steve Martin would toss out.

0points

#30

funny quote about smoking “Do you mind if I don't smoke?” - Groucho Marx

10points

Michelle C 1 year ago

❤️

0points

#31

women control man's fate quote “Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.” - Groucho Marx

10points

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#32

self-inflicted education quote “I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.” - Groucho Marx

10points

#33

quote about having fun “If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.” - Groucho Marx

9points

Frank Newton 1 year ago

Been living by this rule my whole life.😎

0points

#34

funny quote about cleverness “A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” - Groucho Marx

9points

#35

quote about age “Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.” - Groucho Marx

9points

#36

quote about despair laugh “The only real laughter comes from despair.” - Groucho Marx

9points

Omiyaru 1 year ago

sad but true...

0points

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#37

funny quote about a hospital bed “A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.” - Groucho Marx

9points

Sleestak 1 year ago

Prophetic

2points

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#38

quote about laughing and crying “Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.” - Groucho Marx

9points

#39

funny believe in something quote “Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.” - Groucho Marx

9points

Seedy Vine 1 year ago

W. C. Fields stole that one

1point

#40

quote about marriage "Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?" - Groucho Marx

8points

#41

Groucho Marx quote “From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” - Groucho Marx

8points

#42

funny quote about marriage and romance “Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.” - Groucho Marx

8points

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#43

funny quote about leadership abilities of men “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men - the other 999 follow women.” - Groucho Marx

8points

#44

Groucho Marx quote “Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.” - Groucho Marx

8points

#45

funny toast-quote about wives and girlfriends “Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!” - Groucho Marx

8points

#46

60 Groucho Marx Quotes That Will Crack You Up “We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.” - Groucho Marx

8points

#47

funny quote about mother's love “My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.”
- Groucho Marx

8points

Michelle C 1 year ago

💔

0points

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#48

the chief cause of divorce quote “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” - Groucho Marx

8points

#49

quote about man's age "A man's only as old as the woman he feels." - Groucho Marx

7points

Sleestak 1 year ago

Dang.

1point

#50

quote about women “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” - Groucho Marx

7points

#51

quote about have a little fun “Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.” - Groucho Marx

7points

#52

when your father is a plastic surgeon quote “She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.” - Groucho Marx

7points

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#53

quote about a likely story is not always true "A likely story — and probably true." - Groucho Marx

7points

#54

a dosage of favourite things quote "I like pancakes, but I haven't got a closet full of them." - Groucho Marx

7points

#55

quote about the way to find out an honest man “There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook.” - Groucho Marx

7points

#56

quote about attitude of Hollywood brides to bouquets and grooms “Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.” - Groucho Marx

7points

#57

Groucho Marx quote “I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.” - Groucho Marx

6points

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#58

quote about love and money “Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.” - Groucho Marx

6points

Sleestak 1 year ago

Wordsmith

1point

#59

quote about successful man "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." - Groucho Marx

5points

#60

leave all hope behind quote “Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.” - Groucho Marx

5points

Natallia Pisarenka

I work as a visual editor at Bored Panda, where my main responsibilities include searching for or creating illustrations related to gardening and home design posts, as well as working with meme content. The meme content not only enhances my creativity but also helps to improve my work mood. As a first step towards my dream of having a beautiful house with a gorgeous garden, I have started growing greenery in pots on my balcony. In my free time, I enjoy hanging out with my friends and playing board games. Spending time with my three-year-old corgi named Halfy is the best way to lift my mood and bring positivity to my day. I truly believe I can spread more positive vibes on social media.

I work as a visual editor at Bored Panda, where my main responsibilities include searching for or creating illustrations related to gardening and home design posts, as well as working with meme content. The meme content not only enhances my creativity but also helps to improve my work mood. As a first step towards my dream of having a beautiful house with a gorgeous garden, I have started growing greenery in pots on my balcony. In my free time, I enjoy hanging out with my friends and playing board games. Spending time with my three-year-old corgi named Halfy is the best way to lift my mood and bring positivity to my day. I truly believe I can spread more positive vibes on social media.

Džiugas Ožekauskas

Heyo. I’m Džiugas, a writer for Bored Panda’s Home & Design section. You can guess from my name that I’m a happy person. At least, I try to be happy and full of joy. I’m always down to analyze old and new movies and suggest decor ideas to add some pizazz to your home.

Heyo. I’m Džiugas, a writer for Bored Panda’s Home & Design section. You can guess from my name that I’m a happy person. At least, I try to be happy and full of joy. I’m always down to analyze old and new movies and suggest decor ideas to add some pizazz to your home.

What do you think ?

Der Kommissar 1 year ago

Groucho was Jewish, so he was not allowed to join a private golf club in L.A. that was restricted. He told the board of the club that his daughter was half-Jewish and asked if she could go into the pool up to her waist.

3points

Apatheist Account2 1 year ago

Why do they a) have both pictures and text and b) need to state that they're by Groucho Marx when the entire thread is limited to that? Get a grip, please!

0points

Tucker Cahooter 1 year ago

It makes the website accessible to people using software like Jaws, since the image hover text does not contain the quote

1point

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Der Kommissar 1 year ago

Groucho was Jewish, so he was not allowed to join a private golf club in L.A. that was restricted. He told the board of the club that his daughter was half-Jewish and asked if she could go into the pool up to her waist.

3points

Apatheist Account2 1 year ago

Why do they a) have both pictures and text and b) need to state that they're by Groucho Marx when the entire thread is limited to that? Get a grip, please!

0points

Tucker Cahooter 1 year ago

It makes the website accessible to people using software like Jaws, since the image hover text does not contain the quote

1point

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