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Dad Asks If He’s The [Jerk] For Leaving His Kid’s B-Day Party Because Cake Had Her Deadname On It

Dad Asks If He’s The [Jerk] For Leaving His Kid’s B-Day Party Because Cake Had Her Deadname On It

Dad Asks If He’s The [Jerk] For Leaving His Kid’s B-Day Party Because Cake Had Her Deadname On It“AITA For Walking Out Of My Daughter’s Birthday Party Because The Cake Had Her Deadname On It?”Trans Teen Offended By B-Day Cake With Deadname On It, Dad Gets Her Out Of There Fast, Aunt FuriousDad And Trans Daughter Ditch Her B-Day Party After Aunt And Grandma Wrote Her Deadname On CakeB-Day Ends Early As Trans Teen's Deadname Ends Up On The Cake And Dad Gets Her Out Of There ASAPDad And Trans Daughter Bail On Her B-Day Party Because Aunt And Grandma Wrote Deadname On CakeGrandma Frosts Deadname On Trans Granddaughter’s B-Day Cake, Offended, Dad Takes Daughter HomeDad Asks If He’s The [Jerk] For Leaving His Kid’s B-Day Party Because Cake Had Her Deadname On ItDad Asks If He’s The [Jerk] For Leaving His Kid’s B-Day Party Because Cake Had Her Deadname On ItDad Asks If He’s The [Jerk] For Leaving His Kid’s B-Day Party Because Cake Had Her Deadname On It
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Any decent parent would agree that protecting your children from harm is your first priority. From when they’re still in the womb until they’re hopefully taking care of you, that instinct is hard-wired in the case of at least one parent, if not both.

For one man, he made the swift decision to rescue his trans daughter after she came face to face with a birthday cake that had her birth name on it. After making the choice to flee the party together, the dad is now wondering if that was a jerk move. 

More info: Reddit

Good parents put their kids first, as this dad did when his trans daughter was insulted

Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)

The dad and his daughter were attending her 17th birthday party, which was being thrown at his grandma’s house

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Image credits:Polina Tankilevitch / Pexels (not the actual photo)

The party was going great until the cake came out, which bore the trans teen’s birth name in bright frosting

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Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk / Pexels (not the actual photo)

The teen immediately burst into tears, urging her dad to gather their things and make a hasty exit to the safety of home

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Image credits: HopefulChocolatepie

The man’s sister then texted him that she thought his daughter was unstable and ungrateful, prompting him to wonder if leaving the party had been a jerk move

OP begins his story by telling the community that he is a single dad to his 17-year-old trans daughter, Alexis. He shares that, since Alexis came out two years ago, it’s been a pretty big adjustment, especially for the older folks in the family, such as his 90-year-old grandmother who suffers from mild dementia. 

The dad goes on to explain that Alexis recently had her seventeenth birthday. While she had planned a day out with her friends, her aunt (who lives with the grandmother and is her primary caregiver) suggested they have a family birthday party at grandma’s house too – an idea Alexis was thrilled with. 

According to OP, the celebration was great, until it was time for the cake, which had “Happy Birthday, [Deadname]!” frosted on it. As soon as she caught sight of it, Alexis burst into tears, prompting OP to gather their things and make a beeline for home. 

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While he was comforting his daughter, OP says his phone was blowing up with texts from his sister, which he put on mute. When he finally opened the texts, OP says the messages devolved from concern into outright anger. 

Apparently, the aunt accused Alexis of being unstable and ungrateful. 

OP says that, while most of his relatives are on his side, he’s getting the silent treatment from his sister and grandmother. He’s since turned to Reddit to ask if leaving the party was a jerk move. 

While it’s understandable that OP would do whatever it took to protect his daughter, did the grandmother even know what deadnaming is? And, as the grandmother’s primary caregiver, could the aunt not have headed the whole situation off at the pass, rather than expect her 17-year-old trans niece to just suck it up?

Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)

If you have a trans person in your life, you’re probably already familiar with the term, but for those who don’t know, just what is “deadnaming” and why is it so harmful?

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The National Center for Transgender Equality’s 2015 U.S. Trans Survey concluded that 46% of trans people surveyed had been verbally harassed and 9% had been physically assaulted just for identifying as transgender. 

In their article for Healthline, KC Clements writes that deadnaming occurs when someone, intentionally or not, refers to a transgender (trans) person by the name they used before they transitioned. It’s best described as referring to someone by their “birth name” or their “given name.” 

A trans person can experience deadnaming anywhere in their life, from the workplace to the classroom and even personal relationships. According to Wikipedia, “Deadnaming may be unintentional, or a deliberate attempt to deny, mock, or invalidate a person’s gender identity.” 

In her article for VeryWellMind, Ariane Resnick writes that studies have revealed that the act of changing one’s name, along with their gender marker, improves mental health. In particular, the act of “gender affirmation was significantly associated with lower reports of depression, anxiety, somatization, global psychiatric distress, and upsetting responses to gender-based mistreatment.”

Taking all this into consideration, it’s no wonder that OP’s daughter was devastated, especially since she came out a whole two years ago. That’s plenty of time for the family to have adjusted to a position of support for her decision.

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What would you have done if you’d found yourself in OP’s shoes? Do you think he and his daughter overreacted, or were they justified in getting out of there? Let us know your opinion in the comments!

Readers in the comments speculated that it might not have been the grandma’s fault, but rather that of the aunt who didn’t correct the mistake, and concluded that the dad was not being a jerk

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Ivan Ayliffe

Ivan Ayliffe

Writer, BoredPanda staff

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After twenty years in advertising, I've decided to try my hand at journalism. I'm lucky enough to be based in Cape Town, South Africa and use every opportunity I get to explore everything it has to offer, both indoors and out. When I'm not reading, writing, or listening to podcasts, I spend my time swimming in the ocean, running mountain trails, and skydiving. While I haven't travelled as much as I'd like, I did live in !ndia, which was an incredible experience. I love live music, whether it's in a massive stadium or an intimate club setting.

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Ivan Ayliffe

Ivan Ayliffe

Writer, BoredPanda staff

After twenty years in advertising, I've decided to try my hand at journalism. I'm lucky enough to be based in Cape Town, South Africa and use every opportunity I get to explore everything it has to offer, both indoors and out. When I'm not reading, writing, or listening to podcasts, I spend my time swimming in the ocean, running mountain trails, and skydiving. While I haven't travelled as much as I'd like, I did live in !ndia, which was an incredible experience. I love live music, whether it's in a massive stadium or an intimate club setting.

Rūta Zumbrickaitė

Rūta Zumbrickaitė

Author, BoredPanda staff

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Hi! Nice to meet you~ I'm very passionate about animals, especially cats, photography, small DIY projects, music and so much more! Could say I am the TV show The Office connoisseur since I have seen it at least a dozen times~

Read less »

Rūta Zumbrickaitė

Rūta Zumbrickaitė

Author, BoredPanda staff

Hi! Nice to meet you~ I'm very passionate about animals, especially cats, photography, small DIY projects, music and so much more! Could say I am the TV show The Office connoisseur since I have seen it at least a dozen times~

What do you think ?
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Kris
Community Member
6 days ago

This comment has been deleted.

Freddy M. (He/Him)
Community Member
6 days ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Honestly this may be the straw that breaks the camel's back for me in terms of leaving this site. Increased ads, the over-zealous censoring, and now pay-wall dark mode and being told about premium everytime I close the ad at the top of the screen

Load More Replies...
Amelia Jade
Community Member
6 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My daughter is trans and she's always taken being deadnamed (hasn't happened in years) or being misgendered in stride. She assumes it is never malicious. And it usually isn't. My grandma was in her 80s when my daughter came out and she slipped now and then but always immediately apologized. It was an honest mistake. I suspect that was the case here too, on the grandma's part. She has mild dementia, and even without that it's easier for an older person to slip up. However, the sister never looked at the cake even once before it was presented? That part is suspicious. There would have been plenty of time to notice the slip up and fix it. Or, depending on how bad the dementia is, I'd imagine the sister would have helped with the process. Also-I know my grandma could have baked a cake no problem in her later years, but she wouldn't have been able to decorate it. Maybe this grandma was capable. But I still suspect this was done with purpose at least on the part of the sister. But why?

Tyke
Community Member
5 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Came here to say similar. Why didn't the sister do something when she saw the cake. Why didn't she remind Grandma. Why didn't she give her brother and niece the heads up that this was going to happen. There were tons of opportunities to make this less hurtful to the actual birthday girl.

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Full of Giggles
Community Member
5 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This hit close to home. Except, my grandmother doesn’t have dementia. She’s just a beeotch. She’s recently taken to calling my 13 year old trans daughter by her dead name or a homophobic slur that starts with an “f.” We went no contact with Grandma the first time she used the word but it hasn’t stopped her from using it when speaking to my mom.

Skogsrået
Community Member
5 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah, grandma can get bent. People shouldn't be allowed to get away with shît like this just cause they are family and old, fûck that.

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Kris
Community Member
6 days ago

This comment has been deleted.

Freddy M. (He/Him)
Community Member
6 days ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Honestly this may be the straw that breaks the camel's back for me in terms of leaving this site. Increased ads, the over-zealous censoring, and now pay-wall dark mode and being told about premium everytime I close the ad at the top of the screen

Load More Replies...
Amelia Jade
Community Member
6 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My daughter is trans and she's always taken being deadnamed (hasn't happened in years) or being misgendered in stride. She assumes it is never malicious. And it usually isn't. My grandma was in her 80s when my daughter came out and she slipped now and then but always immediately apologized. It was an honest mistake. I suspect that was the case here too, on the grandma's part. She has mild dementia, and even without that it's easier for an older person to slip up. However, the sister never looked at the cake even once before it was presented? That part is suspicious. There would have been plenty of time to notice the slip up and fix it. Or, depending on how bad the dementia is, I'd imagine the sister would have helped with the process. Also-I know my grandma could have baked a cake no problem in her later years, but she wouldn't have been able to decorate it. Maybe this grandma was capable. But I still suspect this was done with purpose at least on the part of the sister. But why?

Tyke
Community Member
5 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Came here to say similar. Why didn't the sister do something when she saw the cake. Why didn't she remind Grandma. Why didn't she give her brother and niece the heads up that this was going to happen. There were tons of opportunities to make this less hurtful to the actual birthday girl.

Load More Replies...
Full of Giggles
Community Member
5 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This hit close to home. Except, my grandmother doesn’t have dementia. She’s just a beeotch. She’s recently taken to calling my 13 year old trans daughter by her dead name or a homophobic slur that starts with an “f.” We went no contact with Grandma the first time she used the word but it hasn’t stopped her from using it when speaking to my mom.

Skogsrået
Community Member
5 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah, grandma can get bent. People shouldn't be allowed to get away with shît like this just cause they are family and old, fûck that.

Load More Replies...
Load More Comments
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